Granted I wasn't talking to him before what happened last night...but now, everything was different, we connected on another level and to be honest I loved it...every minute.
I know we needed to talk about it but I didn't want to, I wanted to stay in this blissful moment where I didn't want this to end.
I knew once we opened our mouths about it — it would...so I didn't say anything.
"Alice we need to talk about what happened last night."
But of course he would say something.
"I think we should just forget it happened."
I really didn't want to forget that it was the most amazing night I have ever had, he was a sweet guy, but when I needed him to be a freak he was, he is the whole package...the muscle, the brain, the sex god, the most sensitive but hard man I've ever seen.
Maybe I should say something, maybe I should tell him how I feel, maybe I should talk about the things I want from him....otherwise another woman will snatch him right up...perfect example that blonde bimbo.
Yea, I'm going to say something.
"Alex, you in know what you're right, we should talk about what happened and I do want to talk."
As I sat down on the bed preparing myself for this talk mentally and emotionally.
"Okay — okay...good. Let's talk then. "
That's when he sat down next to me and fidgeted with his hands, I could tell he was waiting for me to go first and also that he was nervous about what I was going to say so I started to talk.
"I know that things have happened between us...more bad than good but I do know that last night I don't just want to forget about it and that it was the most amazing thing ever — like ever. I know that I have strong feelings for you, which is why I was jealous about that girl you slept with — which is why if we do this you have to promise me that will never happen again because you really hurt me and I can't keep getting hurt. Can you promise?"
"I can't promise that...I can't promise I won't hurt you, but I can promise that I will always be here for you, I will always love and take care of you and never leave. I can promise that you mean more to me than you'll ever know."
It took me a minute to take it in that he couldn't promise me he wouldn't hurt me again...but I realized that even though he couldn't that I still wanted to be with him — I wanted to be his lungs that he needed to breathe. So with that being said I said this.
"So were going to do this...we're officially together —as boyfriend and girlfriend.?"
And his answer sounded so effortless and smooth as if not a care in the world.
" Yes. Yes we are Alice."
6 weeks Later...
"Alex! Stop!"
We were in the middle of a tickling fest which he started by the way...these past few weeks have been amazing and I honestly would have never thought we would be this in sync, I am having my doubts though because I know we won't always be this happy, I'm waiting for this huge secret or person that will just rip us apart...but it never happens...or I wait for him to lose his cool about something and he doesn't or to get mad at me for eating all the banana's but he doesn't -- he really loves banana's by the way.
Either way he's still a sweet guy...much calmer than I expected or imagined and he's so patient...like one night I told him I wasn't in the mood to have sex and the entire night he didn't bother me about it or ask questions — matter of fact he didn't ask the following days either he just waited until I was ready...which is very surprising...he's a guy, guys don't like to wait they think women are always in the mood to have sex but we're not we have feelings that don't involve sex, things that sex can't subside.
I just am so — I don't know what the word is but it's like when he walks in the room I see him in a different light, I get butterflies and when I am having sex with him it's not angry sex — it's passionate but hungry.
As if we're searching each other for something that's only found by searching each other. If that makes any sense...
"Nope, say you're sorry for eating my last banana!...say it, say you're sorry!"
"Okay, okay fine I'm sorry."
I say giggling in the process...he has this moment where he stops and just looks at me...where he's just staring.
"What's that look for?..."
"Nothing, just so happy that you're my girlfriend...I've never been this happy."
"Aww, you're so corny, but I love it."
"And I love you Alice."
"I love you too Alex."
Wait, whoa I just said I love Alex, what in the hell...do I love Alex?
I knew I really liked him but I didn't know I loved him...is this going to change everything ?
—
I mean this isn't the first time he's said he loved me, he's said it before but this was before we were dating — but it's also my first time saying I love him.
My first time saying I love him!
I love him -- I love him! -- I love Alex!
"Hey, where did you go babe?"
"No where, just happy, I'm really happy, I'm so happy."
"Me too."
"Hey what movie are we watching tonight?"
"Um let's watch, 'It's love' I want to see it again."
"Okay, I'll make the popcorn and the drinks. You just put the movie in and relax, okay?"
"Okay..."
3 Days later...
...It had been 2 weeks and 3 days and I was supposed to have my period two weeks and 3 days ago. I would say it's stress but I have nothing to worry about, Alex takes good care of me, he gets me everything I need so why would I need to worry.
If it is not stress that is causing it then we only know one other option after that, right, exactly... I'm pregnant.
I'm pregnant!...I'm pregnant!...
What am I going to do, what am I going to do?!!! What if Alex isn't ready for a baby?... What If I'm not ready for a baby?... OMG how am I going to tell him?!!! How do I even begin to tell him. I was really freaking out here, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was going to suffocate, my lungs were closing in on me... OMG I can't breathe!
Just as this is happening I hear the keys unlocking the door as he walked in with a handful of groceries he dropped the bag once he saw what was happening.
"Breathe Alice, just breathe, take relaxing breaths, slow your intake on oxygen... Breathe really slowly."
Me following his advice but it's not working -- it's not working!!!
"Alice look at me, stay calm okay, you have to breathe...take it slow...think about something very happy...think about that would make you smile — get that image, picture it in your head. Okay?"
"Okay."
I say in heaved breaths, slowing my breathing down, the feeling begins to very slowly subside.
"Got it?... You okay baby?"
Still breathing slowly, the pain and loss of breath is leaving, I'm able to say without heaving and losing my breath quickly.
"Yes I'm okay babe...just an good ole panic attack... It's good you got here when you did, you really do have perfect timing. Thanks baby so much."
I say as I grab is neck bringing is great level to mine and touch his lips softly with mine. We stay in that moment for a few minutes before he ask...
"What brought on the panic attack, if that's okay to ask...I want to know what made you scared, what flipped you out?"
He said as he went back to get the groceries he dropped and begin to bring them into the kitchen as I followed him I thought to myself 'I don't think you want to know why I had a panic attack' — helping him organize the stuff to put in the refrigerator.
"Babe?... Did you hear me?"
"No I'm sorry."
"I said, 'Are you going to tell me why you had a panic attack?'... Or am I going to have to pry it out of you?"
"No, you won't have to pry it, but I don't think you are ready to know yet."
I said this knowing what question was coming after it.
"What do you mean you don't think I'm ready to hear the reason you had a panic attack, if you had a panic attack that means it was very important, so of course I want to know... So tell me."
"Okay well fine you asked for it -- I'm pregnant... There I said it I'm pregnant!"
I'm this moment I wish I could have just stalled because I wasn't sure how he would react.
In fact this is why I had a panic attack this is why I was scared.
This moment right here.
So much for bliss.