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Dedicated to @footprints- for the help with this chapter. Means a lot :) x
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The lights snapped on in Joe’s, and I let out a scream so loud I’m pretty sure I punctured the ozone layer. I fell back into the wall and clapped a hand over my heart, which was now bursting wildly in my chest.
I looked around, and spotted the faces of all of my friends standing around. Some were standing behind the pool table and hiding under tables and chairs, and Callie was even poking her head out from behind the jukebox, a wild grin on her face.
Tessa stood by the wall, a hand clapped over her mouth as she stifled giggles. Jamie was standing behind the bar, bottles lining the available wooden surface, and Chance leaned close by, grinning at me with a heart-stopping smile.
Even Seth stood amongst them, grinning so wide I was certain his face would split in two. How he had gotten there, I’d never know.
There were more people that I was close friends with standing around laughing, and as I canvassed the friendly scene, I felt tears welling in my eyes; partly from shock and partly from being flattered. “Oh, my God, Ava, did you plan all this?”
She shrugged. “Chance came up with the idea to do this for you. Jamie helped by renting out the bar and I just got everyone to show up.”
I turned to her and engulfed her in a huge hug. “Ava… thank you.”
She smiled. “Happy birthday, Candi. You deserve it.” She kissed me on the cheek, and suddenly people surrounded me.
“Happy birthday, Candice!” Rose cheered, one arm looped around Ava’s waist and the other around mine.
“How long has this been planned? Did you know last night?” I asked her, thinking back to our conversation in the stairwell when she had been on her way up to meet Ava.
She grinned and nodded enthusiastically. “Apparently Chance thought it up over the Christmas break. Last night Ava and I called everybody to get them together.”
I was so touched by the fact they’d spent their welcome-home date phoning my friends to get them here that I clutched them in a bear hug so tight I’m pretty sure I cut off their circulation. Rose laughed, and I stepped back. “Thank you guys for everything,” I said sincerely. “But now… we drink.”
I made my way to the bar and sat on one of the unoccupied barstools. Jamie was standing there like the dutiful bartender he was, and he grinned at me. “What can I get you, birthday girl?”
I winked at him and called over the loud music blaring out of the jukebox, “Surprise me.”
He spun around and started concocting a drink. From what I could see in his whirlwind of actions, he was using ice cubes, a squirt of lemon, some vodka and a few other ingredients to make something fancy. It was fancier than you’d probably expect at a bar like Joe’s, but Jamie was quiet the alcohol connoisseur, and loved concocting all different types of alcohols together to make the perfect drinks. We’d had a few cringe-worthy brews in our times, but sometimes we got the genius one that made the other fails worth it.
When he handed it to me, it was a pretty pale pink color. “I call this one the One-Legged Pink Flamingo. It’s sweet, pretty and slightly uncoordinated, just like you.”
I snorted. “Ever the charmer. But trust me, by the end of the night, I’ll probably have the coordination of a one-legged pink flamingo.”
“Well, what do you think?”
I took a sip of the drink, and my eyes widened. “Holy crap, Jamie, that’s amazing!”
The drink he’d given me was kind of fruity and tropical, with just a hint of a malty chocolate. Really, it was definitely one of his better ones. But that wasn’t hard, considering the last one I’d tried was a mixture between beer, champagne, vodka and lime juice. I’d thrown up for three hours afterwards.
He grinned. “Why, thank you. And, as a birthday gift to you, I’ll even let you name it. So when I get famous for my amazing alcoholic hybrids, you’ll know that your name is famous, too. So, what would you like to call it?”
I thought about it for a second, and drowned the rest of the glass. It was sweet and fruity and absolutely delicious, and it needed a name that fit the criteria. “Hmm…” I said, tapping my chin thoughtfully. “How about ‘Candi Dreams’? After me?”
He let out a whistle. “I like it. Clever and truthful. Done.”
I stood up and dusted off my dress. “Well, I should go make the rounds and thank everyone for coming. But Jamie, thank you for booking out the bar for me tonight. You really didn’t have to do that.”
He glanced down bashfully, his cheeks stained red. “Of course I did, Candi. It’s your birthday. And I wanted to make it special.”
I leaned over the counter and placed a gentle kiss on his cheek, which was already warm, but also pleasantly clean-shaven. “Thank you,” I whispered, before pulling back. “And when I get back, there better be a delicious hybrid waiting for me on that bar.” I winked and spun around, before walking into the crowd.
After a vodka shot race with Callie and Ava—which I won, of course—a dart game with Tessa and her boyfriend, and a brief snooker tournament with a few of my friends from my cooking and design classes, I finally made it to Chance, who was standing in the corner with a glass of bourbon.
“Hey, you,” I said, sidling upto him.
He looked up at me, and immediately his lips quirked up into a heart-stopping smile. “Hey,” he greeted, surprised. “How you doing, birthday girl?”
I shrugged. “Pleasantly tipsy.”
“I saw your dart game earlier. Impressive. You seem to be a Jill of all trades—drinking, darts and waitressing. A triple threat.”
I laughed. “Well, thank God you didn’t see my awesome snooker game, then. You might have a slightly different opinion on me.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “I take it the game didn’t go so well?”
“Something Jordan neglected to tell me in all of our time together is that he plays pool in professional tournaments,” I said, grimacing. “In short, I got the ass-kicking of a lifetime. He had an advantage, but still. Not pretty, my friend. Not pretty at all.”
He laughed, and took a long pull of the bourbon, which seemed to have been mixed with cola and doused with ice cubes. When he pulled back, he looked at me. “I hope you don’t mind me planning this surprise party. I just thought an open bar, your friends and a night out would be good for your twenty-first.”
“Don’t apologize,” I told him. “This is incredible. I can’t thank you enough for organizing this shindig.”
“I just wanted you to have a nice birthday.”
“What about you, huh?” I asked, nudging him in the ribs with my elbow. “What did you do for your twenty-first?”
He cleared his throat and pulled his eyes away. “Uh, that was the day of Zoëy’s funeral.”
Immediately I deflated, my thoughts coming to a halt. “Oh,” I croaked out, cutting my eyes from him and staring across the room, where Jamie was talking casually with a girl from my cooking class, Racheal. Ava was talking quietly with Rose, who was giggling at something she said, and I couldn’t spot Seth anywhere, despite the fact I’d caught him in the crowd earlier.
“Wow,” Chance said, shaking his head and taking a sip of the bourbon. “That was a fast way to ruin the mood. I’m sorry. You didn’t want to know that. If it makes you feel any better, I got absolutely hammered that night on mixed spirits.”
“Hey, Candice, there you are,” a deep voice said, and I turned to see Seth standing nearby, leaning against a pool table with his arms crossed over his chest. He wore a brown shirt and a leather jacket, with inky blue jeans and boots.
“Seth,” I said, immediately breaking into a grin at his sudden appearance. “Hey.” I reached over and drew him in for a tight hug, before realizing I’d totally excluded Chance in the process. I cleared my throat. “Chance, this is my friend, Seth. Seth, this is Chance.”
Seth reached over and shook his hand. “Hey, how you doing?”
“Good, I’m good,” Chance said slowly, shaking his hand timidly. I shuffled awkwardly. Standing right beside me were the two boys I’d come closest to embarking on a relationship with, and the tension in the air was palpable. Seth seemed totally oblivious, but I could tell Chance was uncomfortable.
Just then a new song came over the jukebox, and I turned to Seth with a huge grin. “Hey, you wanna dance with me?”
Seth frowned. “You hate dancing.”
That was true, but I decided for just one night I could let that go and have a little fun. “I’ve rekindled my love for dancing. Come on.”
Seth glanced around shiftily, like I was a different person and he had no idea how I’d gotten here. “We’re in a bar.”
I shrugged. “So? There’s no one in there that I don’t want seeing my embarrassment. Please?”
He shrugged and set down his beer bottle, before taking me out onto the wood floor. People immediately cleared out, and we both stepped onto it. It wasn’t a slow song that required partner dancing, but I didn’t want to dance alone and look like a fool. Instead I grabbed his hand and let him spin me around.
I wasn’t a good dancer, but in high school one of my good friends, Ella Fordman, had attempted to teach me how to dance, so I knew a little bit. We both shimmied around, and I giggled as I realized we were both a little awkward when it came to dancing. But soon a few others joined us like an impromptu dance mob, and we were all spinning around and dancing with each other. My fear went away, and I enjoyed the music, dancing with Seth on the floor. Jamie still stood by the bar, polishing glasses as he watched us with a smile, and Chance looked on as well, sipping from his bourbon and surveying us.
We began to do a sort of fifties jig together, all twirling and jiving, when I was suddenly bumped into by Tessa, who was—surprise, surprise—making out with her boyfriend. I tipped into Seth and all but fell into his arms. I firmly planted my hands on his chest as I was knocked into him, and his arms immediately cinched around my waist, keeping me from falling over.
“Whoa,” he said, laughing as the crowd entangled us.
I grinned. “Sorry,” I said breathlessly.
He was still smiling at me, the sort of mischievous smile I’d come to know well. It was all teeth and eye crinkles, and it showed off the adorable dimples in his tanned cheeks. Up close, you could tell he’d aged a few years since high school, and he looked more refined and mature. Handsome.
He stared into my eyes, and as his head ducked lower, I hardly had a second to process anything before his lips were crashing against mine.
His lips were soft and warm; feather-light and carefree. Before I could even voice a complaint his hands were on my waist and drawing me closer. Surprised, I was frozen for a second, unsure of what to do or say. All I knew was the pounding music and his lips on mine, and literally nothing else.
Candice, what are you doing? the rational side of me came to attention, and I realized exactly what was happening now.
I was kissing Seth Forsythe. As in, high-school crush, dream-worthy Seth. The Seth I’d all but grown up with; the boy I’d fantasized about in trig classes when I was bored and had nothing better to think of.
But it didn’t feel right. Sure, the timing seemed okay. I was tipsy, the music was perfect, and the mood was light and perfect. And it was Seth! The one boy I’d dreamed about kissing for years!
But it just didn’t feel like it should. Maybe it was because I knew Chance was somewhere in the room; susceptible of seeing me at any second. And that’s what finally made me do what I did next.
I planted my hands on his shoulders and pushed him back. “Wait, Seth,” I whispered, turning my head away and staring at the ground. Thankfully, no one had seen us do anything; all caught up in their own dramas. I couldn’t even see Jamie or Chance anymore—thankfully.
“Sorry,” Seth said, his voice low. “But I couldn’t resist. I’ve wanted to do that for years. You look beautiful tonight, and I just…”
I cleared my throat, my mood suddenly dimming. “I have to go.”
I stepped back, and saw shame flash in his warm brown eyes. It wasn’t fair! I’d just told Chance I wasn’t ready for anything, and I’d meant it. And now I was kissing Seth! What was even happening right now?
“No, Candice,” Seth said regrettably, stepping forward.
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Seth,” I whispered, before turning away and walking off.
I searched through the crowd, but found solace neither at the cards table, nor darts, nor snooker. Not even the bar with Jamie seemed appealing. Finally, I exited the crowds and went outside.
The street was cold and wet, but also desolate; exactly what I’d been after. I leaned against the moist bricks and buried my face in my hands, taking deep breaths. My lips still tingled from Seth’s kiss, and I quickly swiped the back of my wrist along my lips. Though it came back stained slightly with gloss, it cleared up the tingling sensation, and I felt better.
“You know, you’re not supposed to be sad on your birthday,” somebody said from beside me. I jumped and turned to face Jamie, who was leaning against the bricks with his hands shoved deep into his jeans pockets. He was staring at me thoughtfully, the corner of his lips quirked up. “It’s, like, a universal rule.”
I threw a wan smile in his direction and kicked at a crack in the pavement with my boot. “I’m sorry. I know it’s my birthday and you guys went to so much trouble…”
He shrugged. “It’s not your fault. You can’t control your emotions. You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”
Bringing up Seth and the kiss was not something I wanted to do, and I shook my head vigorously. “No. Not really.”
“You want me to walk you home? I can stay with you if you want. Be your fearless protector.”
I laughed. “I can’t leave, Jamie. You guys went to so much trouble, and my friends are there, and everyone’s having a good time…”
“So?” he replied. “It’s not your fault you’re upset, and you can’t help it. Come on, I’ll tell them you got sick. Too many Candi Dreams. Come on. Let me take you home.”
I sighed. “Thanks. That means a lot.”
He smiled. “I’ll be right back.”
He spun around and disappeared into the bar, and I hung back, watching the soft snowflakes fall onto the glistening road. My breaths came out in frosty puffs, but surprisingly I wasn’t cold. Turns out velvet is a good insulant. Huh.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a dark bottle of what looked like whiskey. He took my hand and led me down the street, and I jumped over cracks and walked on barricades as we went, trying to distract myself from the kiss with Seth. Jamie laughed the whole way there until we reached the dorm block, and I led him up to my suite without thought or hesitation.
I unlocked the door and piled in, before dropping my black trench coat and silk scarf on the coatrack.
“You up for a little whiskey?” Jamie asked, following me into the living room. I flopped unceremoniously onto the couch and put my feet on the rustic coffee table. I fluffed out my hair and turned to him.
“Sure.”
“You got shot glasses?”
I pointed to a top cabinet in the kitchenette, and Jamie quickly grabbed two out. He made his way back to me and settled down beside me on the couch, pouring out the drinks. I grabbed mine and downed it straightaway. My throat burned with the coarse drink, but I kept it down. I was a master of drinking hardcore spirits. Impressively so.
“Whoa,” Jamie said, chuckling and taking a small, much tamer sip of his. “Slow down there, Killer.”
“Why?” I replied. “Can’t handle the heat?”
He cocked his head to the side and smirked, his eyes flashing. “I like it hot.”
“Race me, then,” I challenged, refilling both glasses from the thin honey-colored bottle.
“Fine.”
“One… two… three!” I yelled, grabbing my glass and downing it quickly. The liquid burned down my throat like gasoline, but I swallowed it and put the glass down mere milliseconds after Jamie.
He slapped the coffee table and chuckled, letting out a long, loud victory whoop. “Ha! Meet your new champion, Jamie Donoghue!”
“No way!” I cried, shaking my head vigorously. “You cheated.”
“Did not.”
“Did, too.”
“Did not.”
“Did, too.”
“Did not.”
“Rematch,” I declared. “I want a rematch.”
He sighed and poured two glasses. “Hope you’ve got insurance for the amount of alcohol poisoning you’re gonna get.”
I rolled my eyes, and flicked his arm noncommittally. “Shut up and drink.”
He counted down, and I quickly downed the shot. Once again, though, Jamie beat me by a considerable amount. I swore and pushed my glass away, disgruntled. “Damn it. When did you get so good at this?”
“I learned from the best,” he replied, clapping his hands together. “Do you succumb to your loss?”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine, yes, whatever. You win, Jamie. You are the champion. What do you want in return for your win?”
He grinned happily and poured two shots. “You mean I get a little prize for this escapade? Hmm…”
“Choose before I change my mind.”
“I wanna know what’s wrong,” he decided finally, nodding. “Tell me what’s up, Candice.” He nudged me. “Let me in.”
“That is going to require a hell of a lot more alcohol,” I replied.
He held up the brown bottle, which was missing about a quarter now from our drinking race. “Good think I brought back-up, now, isn’t it? Now, come on. Don’t avoid it. What’s going on?”
“Have you ever made a mistake?” I asked, picking up my glass and tracing my finger around the rim of it.
He chuckled. “Have you met me? I’m the king of bad decisions.”
“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “Like, really bad. Like, change-your-whole-life bad.”
He leaned closer, until we were almost pressed together. I took a sip of whiskey and looked away, chewing on my lower lip. “What’s going on, Candice?” Jamie asked in a low voice.
“I made a promise to myself when I was younger that I’d never fall in love. Never interact with a guy. Never give myself to a guy or allow myself the chance to get heartbroken. And it worked for so long.” I downed the rest of my drink as support to continue. “But I don’t know what’s happening. First Chance, and now Seth. And no matter what I do, I can’t stop it. Why is it so hard to be left alone?”
“You wanna be a little more specific?” Jamie asked, setting his glass down and focusing his full, riveted attention on me.
“Seth kissed me tonight,” I admitted finally. The words sounded like poison coming from my lips. “Which is, of course, why I wanted to get out of there. And I just broke up with Chance two days ago. What is happening, Jamie? Why is this happening?”
“I’m sorry, Candi,” Jamie said slowly, picking up my hand and toying with my fingers. I leaned over and grabbed the bottle of whiskey, cutting the pretense and just taking large swigs from the bottle. Screw politeness. “It must be so hard, having people practically throwing themselves at your feet. I can’t imagine how hard your life must be right now…”
I laughed, but it sounded hacking, like it was forced from my body. “I don’t mean it like that. I mean, I know I should be grateful. Not every girl can say she’s got two perfectly amazing guys. But I don’t want it. I guess it’s just another reason I’m a freak.”
“You’re not a freak, Candice,” Jamie said, picking up a lock of my hair and threading it through his fingers. It was almost soothing, like a lullaby. “You’re just… stubborn.”
“Stubborn? How?”
He shrugged. “I think that you’ve been stuck in your ways for so long that you’ve let it rule your whole world; like it’s some universal rule. You’ve never really thought about what the alternative was.”
“Alternative? And what’s my alternative, then, Jamie?”
“Opening yourself up and allowing yourself to be loved,” Jamie replied, as if it were an obvious fact. “What’s so bad about it? Why is it so bad that you let yourself relax for just one second; allow someone to love you for just one moment in time?”
“Because it only ends in heartbreak and tears.”
“What about my parents, then? Still happily married, even after twenty-five years. And they’re as in love as ever.”
“Your parents are a rare exception,” I told him, my words slurring together slightly. Okay, I’ll admit that I was a little bit past tipsy, and very much in the ‘drunk’ area.
“And who says you can’t be the rare exception?”
“I don’t deserve to be loved, Jamie,” I told him, turning away and clenching my jaw to keep from crying. “I’m a narcissist, and I’m negative. I’m stubborn and stupid and I’m a total bitch. I don’t deserve a nice guy. What did I ever do to deserve it?”
“I don’t ever want to hear that again, do you understand me, Candice?” Jamie replied, his voice stern and cold. I flinched. “You are not any of those things. You are strong and kind and sweet and beautiful. You care more than anyone I’ve ever met. You’re strong and smart and capable of doing anything you could ever want. And anyone who tells you differently is wrong, and most likely on a number of drugs. Look at me, Candi.” He hooked a finger under my chin and brought my head around until we were facing each other. “You deserve everything you could ever want. You deserve the world. And you deserve to be loved.”
He leaned forward and kissed me, his lips meeting mine in a strong, passionate hold. One of his hands cupped my face, and the other pushed a lock of my hair behind my ear, gently caressing my head.
To this day, I still don’t know why I kissed him back.
I honestly can’t explain it. Maybe it was the fact I was drunk out of my mind, and therefore had no inhibitions. Whiskey made everything seem like a good idea, but I don’t think my alcohol consumption was solely to blame.
Maybe it was because I’d been caught up in the heat of the moment, and everything seemed so tense and passionate and right. Like it was the perfect time.
But honestly? I think it was because of what Jamie had said to me.
Despite all of my bravado about being a total anti-lover, it felt nice to have someone tell me that I was wanted; that I deserved to be loved, and was capable of being loved by another. I’d pushed away Chance, I’d run from Seth at the closest sight of a relationship, and I was sick of pushing people away from me all of the time. Sick of telling people ‘no’, and resisting love purely based on principle.
Why the hell didn’t I deserve to just let go for one damned second and allow myself to be loved? To have someone kiss me as passionately as Jamie was; to have someone caress my hair and tell me how beautiful I was. To be able to thread my fingers through his dark locks and bring him impossibly closer, until it felt like the world around me was crashing down until there was only the two of us left there, and the fact that I was totally okay with it. That I kind of liked that feeling of euphoria.
Just once I wanted to let myself go completely.
I’d regret it, but in that moment I didn’t care. I’d act now and think about the consequences later. For once in my life, I wanted to let go and not think about what would happen when sobriety rolled back around and I was faced with the cold, harsh reality of my actions.
For once I wanted to be loved.
And after twenty-one years of nothingness, I think I’ve earned that much.
I have no idea what Jamie and I would’ve done on that couch. I didn’t care what we did. It just felt nice to be close to someone, to have someone enjoy being this close to me. There are few things as nice as knowing someone wants you there as much as you want them.
It was a beautiful, blissful moment, building to a dizzying crescendo of I-don’t-even-know-what that seemed like a bittersweet moment that could last forever.
That is until the door burst open and Ava stumbled in with a giggle; Rose hot on her heels.
“Hey, Candice, I heard you weren’t feeling well, so we brought the fun to y—” She broke off suddenly as she saw the compromising position both her brother and me were in.
Her jaw dropped, and the bottle she was holding fell numbly out of her hand and tumbled onto the carpeted floor. It didn’t shatter, but that didn’t matter. That was the least of my worries right now.
Because little did I know something else in that room was shattering even more.
“But it seems Jamie’s already done that for me,” Ava muttered, though she didn’t seem into it. In fact, she seemed grief-stricken, shocked and repulsed all at once. Rose was as still as stone, staring between the three of us questioningly as her mouth opened and closed like a guppy.
“Hey, guys, I’m here,” a sudden, deep voice said, and I swear my stomach dropped in that moment like a terrified little girl on the top of an extremely tedious rollercoaster.
Chance entered through the door, and I saw Ava go into full-on panic mode as she saw how dire the situation was. She spun around and tried desperately to block his way, but he was far too tall to combat her slight figure, and easily spotted what had happened, simply by peeking over her head.
Jamie and I had been in such a shocked stupor that neither of us had moved from our questionable position since Ava and Rose’s unexpected reappearance, and I noticed just how bad the situation looked. Jamie’s shirt was lying on the floor, discarded from who-knows-when—somewhere within our heated kiss. There was a smudge of my lip-gloss on his mouth, and my shirt was askew and hair messy. Don’t even get me started on the state of my velvet dress. At least I knew the meaning of ‘crushed velvet’ now.
“Chance, I—” I began, weaseling my way out of Jamie’s grip and trying to get towards Chance. I almost tripped over Seth’s shirt in the meantime, and navigated past it quickly.
He shook his head slowly, and the look on his face was enough to make my heart break. He looked totally crestfallen, like he didn’t want to believe the sight before him, and I knew there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to make it better. I couldn’t even try.
Without a word, Chance turned and left no room for me to say anything, before he disappeared out the door and away from me.
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I listened to the song to the side a lot while reading this chapter. Check it out --->
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