There I was again, staring out of the car window and watching the tall trees run by. I was lost in thoughts with my elbow on the door panel and my hand underneath my chin. The night sky was darker than usual without the twinkling stars. The vehicle was increasing its pace as if chatting with the winds. It seemed impossible to picture the road in a still position.
The street lights came to an end and the path turned quiet. Soon the stars appeared whilst shining the brightest.
My gloomy face revealed a smile at the sight. I gazed at the beauty. For once my thoughts came to a rest. I felt normal and amused. From the smallest to the largest diamonds pierced into the black velvet, each one brightened the dullness in my eyes.
My lips stretched into a smile and my eyes glittered. "Aww your smile" those words wandered in my mind. He adored my smile and because of him I got to know how beautiful it was. He was stroking my cheek with his right hand and we both were smiling at each other. The same kind of gleam was in our eyes as I had in mine at the sight of the coruscating ether. We spoke nothing just allowed the silence to fill the space between us. After a while I parted my lips to speak "What if".
"What are you doing?" my younger brother yelled and diverted my attention.
"I asked you to roll down the windows" he yelled again.
I felt something smooth on my fingers. I turned my head to see what it was.
"Aah" I exclaimed.
I realised that instead of grabbing and rolling the lowering handle, I was consistently pulling the door handle. Thankfully the door was locked or else I would have opened it while the car was speeding on a highway.
I giggled nervously and sat properly. I looked over at my dad who was driving and mom in the passenger's seat.
What was I doing? I got so carried away that I almost killed myself. "I should think about something else or maybe try to sleep for a while" I thought to myself.
"What happened? Where is your attention? " my mom asked in a worried tone.
"Nothing" I replied and then murmured to myself "if only you knew".
The three of them laughed it away but I really felt silly. I grabbed my bag and moved my hand around in it searching for my earphones. As soon as I got hold of them, I pulled them out and plugged them into my cellphone. I pressed play and the song which played was one of my favourites. I've been listening to Demi Lovato ever since I walked into the fork in my road of romance.
"I hate you, don't leave me".
I felt a burn in my chest when I heard those lines and slow background music. Her voice had so much pain. It felt as if the song was just made for me.
" 'Cause I love when you kiss me".
I closed my eyes and the images of his pinkish heart shaped lips flashed. The most beautiful ones I had ever seen. How much I wanted to kiss him but my nervousness held me back. Before pecking them, I gazed at their beauty. I felt ashamed of my light pink and thin lips. My cheeks blushed and I touched mine with his but I also moved away quickly. He threw his head back and hummed in dissatisfaction.
"Just hear me out before you run away 'cause I can't take this pain" .
I sang along and pulled myself out of the flashback. It felt wonderful and regretful both at the same time. I sang in a low voice so only I was able to hear. It's not like my voice was horrible, in fact I sang good. I just felt shy doing that out loud. My brother heared me singing at the top of my lungs almost everyday. So, he ain't the one I was uncomfortable practicing my vocals around but my parents. I found it awkward to reveal my capabilities to my parents. Although they should be the first ones to know. I did love them but I didn't share much things with them. I usually held my emotions inside. My friends were the only ones to know about my feelings. My parents were unaware of my life. Well I kept them so.
The song ended and I looked out through the window. We stopped at a restaurant. The place was dark and silent. I pulled the earphones out and shoved them into my bag. There weren't much lights, the only ones visible were around the restaurant and the gas station. It may have appeared spooky but I really liked it. It was away from the city and the commotion.
I got out of the car and continued observing the surroundings. I could hear distant barking of dogs. There were lorries parked around the filling station. The delivery drivers probably stopped there for a break.
My dad pointed at the tables outside which were within the fenced boundaries of the diner. I nodded and headed for it with my brother and mom following. They were having a conversation but I didn't pay much attention. I was just busy with my thoughts and emptiness. I barely listened or spoke to anyone.
Since childhood I was silent and serious. Only around friends I'd let my humorous side take over. But even friends were not with me anymore. "When they love me, they leave me" I sang slowly and stepped inside the fenced area. The tables were all old and identical. They were simple and white yet matching the location perfectly. While I moved my eyes around, my parents gave the order. I saw the waiter standing by the corner of my eye and I turned my face in the opposite direction. I ignored all of the men there. The place was really according to my mood but the presence of the creepy strangers was turning out to be a flaw.
As soon as the waiter was gone I turned to my brother who had a horrid expression. I couldn't help but giggle. He was too scared of dogs and the noises clearly indicated they were somewhere near. "There is one!" I shouted, startling almost everyone. The big dog barked and paced back and forth. Soon, some other joined but they remained within the limits which was a relief to my brother. I couldn't control my laughter but I had to or else he would've find it offensive.
My thoughts again went back to him. The place was peaceful and not very bright. It was far away from civilisation. It would have been perfect for us. I could hold his arm and rest my head on his shoulder. We were made for each other then why did destiny separate us?
The stupid questions started arising in my mind. I found myself in the deep gloomy trench of past. I hate the feeling it gave me. I needed to find some way to get away from that depth.
"Here is your food" the waiter served the dish and informed. I came out of my dreamy world and faced the table.
The food was good and quite suited my appetite. I noticed a cat crawling up the wall. It sat across us and acted all innocent. It obviously wanted some food and it really got me under its spell. I smiled at it. I loved cats and I wish I could keep one. I threw a bone beside at it. It merrily hopped on it and enjoyed eating. There were more cats lurking in the shadows but I didn't have enough left over.
We left our seats and moved to the car. I noticed a restroom across the path. "Mom, I think I need to use the ladies room" I told mom and pointed at the old structure.
"Okay, you go I'll wait by the door" mom agreed and smiled.
I rushed to the washroom and looked for the ladies sign. I stepped in and surprisingly found the toilet clean. I always expected the highway restrooms to be filled with filth. They mostly were but that one was fine, not sparkling clean but clean. I walked in and locked the cabin. After I was done, I rushed out and washed my hands. I took a little long so I hurried back. In the midst of the returning path I realised that I left my bag hanging on the door knob. I gulped and ran back. I searched the cabin and the door knobs but it wasn't there. I fell dead in my tracks. Where did it disappear?
I gave up and walked out. My tab and wallet was in the purse. How could I be so careless? It was all because of him. Ever since he had left me I had grown desperate and aggressive. I was irritated by myself. First, I was accidentally going to kill myself and later, I lost my purse. I moved my feet slowly and threw my head back.
"Ame, what are you doing with yourself?" I thought. But before I could continue scolding myself, I saw a black strap suspended by the abandoned window. I reached out to it and lowered the belt. The fabric felt similar and I widened my eyes in wonder. The thing fell in my arms and when I gazed down at it, I almost shouted with joy. My bag!
Who placed it there? I looked around to see if there was someone but the area appeared evacuated. I hung the bag on my shoulder and ran back to the vehicle.
"What took so long?" dad groaned and furrowed his eyebrows.
"Umm..there was just one stall and a long line" I lied and jerked my shoulders.
There was no way I could tell him the truth. They'd probably sense something suspicious behind my weird behaviour. I didn't't want them to know anything at least not then.
We rode the car travelling the same distance back. I closed my eyes and wore my earphones. I was listening to "Shouldn't come back" by Demi Lovato. I had something else on my mind though.
Who kept the bag there? Whoever did that must be an honest person. They knew that the owner would come back and search for it. In case it took long someone else might take it. So, they kept it safely there.
I couldn't thank them enough. Whoever it was, even if they were one of those creepy men. The cellphone had so much memories in it. Pictures , videos, poems, notes and chats.
I hugged my bag and smiled.
"Maybe you shouldn't come back" the lyric played.
"Tired of being so sad, I'm tired of getting so mad " I sang along and took my thoughts back to where they used to be.
All the way back the memories flashed and my head filled with the echoes of his voice. I saw the road on which we rode. He was on the front seat and I was on the back. We secretly held hands and his thumb softly brushed against mine. I blushed at the thought and pictured our fingers entwined. It was wonderful and lovely.
The car screeched to a stop. I peeped out the windshield and recognised the area. We were home. I hoped out of the ride and rushed to the main door.
I changed and went to bed. I felt cold and wished I had those arms to comfort me. I rubbed my shoulders and buried myself in the sheets. I reminisced the time when he hugged me. If only I knew it was our last hug I would've lasted it forever.
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. But the lingering thoughts didn't let me. Did he even miss me? Did he even think about me once throughout the day?
How was it so easy for him to leave me? How could he leave someone who loved him more than anything? How could he hurt me?
My chest burnt and I breathed heavily. My eyes were turning watery but before my tears could flow I blinked them away. Whenever I got emotional my nose stuffed. I hated that feeling. So I just pulled my blanket over my head and shifted my thoughts to the bag.
Who kept it there? Whoever did it was presently my hero. I smiled and whispered "thank you".
Before I could realise, I fell asleep.
I did think about him before going to sleep but my last thought was about someone else. I don't know who but someone other than him. Maybe it was time for me to finally move on. I was about to take my first step. I hope the motivation didn't vanish like it did mostly.
I wished someone out there loved me for real.