Renleigh Kensington
Some may describe me as hot headed, which is actually pretty accurate. This one time, I read an article about hot headed people and I personally felt attacked after I got to the end. It mentioned a bunch of stuff that I related to on another level. It felt like they wrote the article based on me, when in reality, they probably have no idea I exist.
It was still clear in my mind – the things mentioned. Strong characters or personalities. Passionate, deeply loving and caring on the inside. Also, very sensitive. True feelings covered up by anger. Spontaneous, energetic and leader of the crowd. Unable to deal with their anger. Likely to become explosive in arguments especially if it is something they clearly care about. Independent, bossy and goal-oriented. Generally loyal and secretly desire true love/companionship.
Those were all things I found to be true about myself therefore 'hot headed' no longer felt like an insult but a compliment instead.
I still did lash out when things didn't go my way – like when someone did something, regardless of what they had been told.
Like Styles.
He didn't need to go and talk to Jack but he did, anyway. This caused a bit of a scene and attracted attention, my father's in particular and since he wasn't the biggest fan of him from the start, I had my theories of how he'd try to change my other dad's view on him.
We ended up leaving the party.
It didn't feel right to stay and, in all honesty, I was slightly scared. That was a hard one to swallow – admitting it to myself – but it had to be done. Sitting with it in the middle of my throat was not an option, especially when Styles and I had a few things to cover.
We got an uber back home – the drive was silent other than the couple of times when Styles tried to explain himself but I just gave him a death stare and he shut his trap – then I went straight for a shower. I needed a burning hot shower after those few minutes of feeling his touch on me.
It lingered on my skin and I needed to get rid of him. The touch of his hand was on my waist after he brushed his fingers over my arse. He gripped my side to show he still had power over me. I didn't move when his scent hit my nose and he knew I knew he was there. He knew he still had something over me and he used it to make me feel like shit and make him feel powerful.
There were tears in the corners of my eyes. They burned as they begged to just roll down my cheeks. They begged to be set free. They wanted out and the best of me. But I fought them. I fought them back as hard as I could because there was no way in hell, I would have given him the satisfaction of making me cry.
He already violated me, my dignity, in public – which obviously wasn't the first time – and I didn't want to give him more power over me. It bothered me that I even let him touch me again. It really did make me feel weak, useless and embarrassed of just how- how stupid I was.
How could I let him touch me again?
Even if it was only for a few moments before he happily accepted my uncle's welcoming hug. It seemed so small – his action – so unworthy of mentioning or feeling hurt over. But that was the thing. It felt that way when actually, it was so wrong. But I was made to feel like it wasn't. Like it was OK and- and it caused my head to question myself. When I shouldn't have.
I knew it was wrong – it felt wrong – therefore I shouldn't have let others make me think it was innocent. Or just friendly gestures.
Loud knocking caused me to get out of my head. I jumped a little at the sudden sound, it was unexpected and for a second, I thought someone broke into my house.
"Are you OK in there?" I placed my hands on my chest and closed my eyes as I exhaled deeply. It was only Styles. I should've known. It was a miracle I heard him through the loud thudding of the water – which did turn my skin red, even if it didn't feel as warm – so I turned it off to answer him.
"Yes," I shouted and sniffled a little. "Dammit," I mumbled when the realisation hit me – I did give into him and I let my tears fall.
I wrapped myself up in a towel – my hair too because it got wet in the process of showering so I thought I might as well wash it – then stepped out onto the mat on the floor. The bathroom was steaming from the temperature of the water I showered with, I couldn't see my reflection in the mirror but maybe I didn't even want to.
After I unlocked the door and opened it, it revealed Styles. He leaned against the wall opposite to the bathroom, his arms behind him. He was in his jeans now and his black shirt, the sleeves rolled up as the top buttons were still undone. His hair looked messy, like he ran his fingers through his curls an unnecessary amount of times to get it in place, maybe out of frustration.
"Gosh, you look red," he commented and I caught his lips twitch before the urge to smile completely vanished from his face. It was like he suddenly felt worried and confused. "Are you sure you're OK?"
"Yeah," I nodded. "Are you?"
"I- sure," he replied. "It's just... you're mad at me, aren't you?"
"Do you want me to be?" my question seemed to throw him off, he didn't know how to reply. He opened his mouth then closed it right after. He kept his eyes on mine, even though I was only in a towel and he could've easily let his gaze roam up and down me.
"No but I would understand if you were."
"Hm," I hummed before I broke the eye contact and walked back to my room.
"Renleigh, we should- can we talk about... what happened?"
"What part do you want to talk about?" I chuckled. "The part where I told you to keep your nose out of my business or the part where you completely ignored me and went right ahead and talked to Jack?"
"So, you are mad," he mumbled. I scoffed and shook my head. "Listen. I know you didn't want me to but it would have bugged me to no ends if I had let him go that easily."
"Well, I hope you'll sleep better tonight," I smiled at him as I turned around. He was right behind me. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get dressed."
Since he did not move, I decided to make my way back to the bathroom. Of course, he followed me and kept his mouth moving.
"You can be mad all you want, but it was the right thing to do, OK? I was not about to let him get away with touching you in front of everyone, with absolutely no shame! And that was only today. All that you've told me – although never anything specific, my mind was able to come up with some pretty disturbing images – angered me even more than initially. Seeing his face... him being around you, with no fear or shame... god, Renleigh, I wanted to rip him to shreds!"
"Do you want me to thank you?" I asked before I shut the door in his face. I heard him groan from the other side of it as I dried myself and put my towel on the side of the bath.
"No. I want you to see it from my point of view."
"Well, I don't want to see it from your point of view. Or mine. I want to forget it, OK?" I asked, heated that we were still on about this. In my mind, this fight was wrapped and pushed to the side in under five minutes. Yet here we were, still going on about it as if it was going to change anything. "It's quite hard, though, when someone keeps bringing it up."
"You always want to forget everything, Kensington!"
"Well, I'm sorry if I don't want to remember things like that!" I shouted back. This was such a petty argument. With a door separating us.
"This is why you're on the edge all the time! This is why your brain stops functioning after a while and this is why you get so stressed it damages your health!"
"Ah, here we go," I said condescendingly and sighed heavily. "Go on. Tell me allll about how I fuck up my own health. Please. I so want to know how my own behaviour affects me. I'm all ears, Dr Styles."
"Well, you clearly need someone to keep you in check because you forgot to hire someone for that!" he bit back and sounded fed up. "The way you bottle these things up and keep them away – they will all come back and bite you in the arse. That is, if they haven't already."
"I'm sure you know all about it," I suddenly opened the door and he almost fell on me. He leaned against the door with his left arm up and rested on the side. "God, you should have just come in if you wanted to be so close to me."
"Shut up, Kensington," he rolled his eyes as he gave me a funny tone. It was almost like he felt attacked. "I'm trying to help you and you're being a difficult little..."
"Little what?" I laughed when he stopped because didn't know what to say. Or more so if he should have. "Bitch?" I asked with my eyebrow raised. His jaw visibly tightened at that and it made me smirk. "Go 'ed, say it."
"Yes, exactly like a little bitch!" he said sternly. "It pisses me off when I want to help you and you never let me. You are so... so... hot headed. God, I cannot even deal with you sometimes! I don't know how to deal with you sometimes."
"Newsflash, fucker. No one asked or told you to deal with me!" I told him. "You decided to rock up to my building, all drunk and- and tell me all these things... and basically make me come up with this whole contract shit!"
"Hold the fuck up," he laughed in disbelief. "I didn't make you do anything. It was your bright idea to have me enter a fucking contract just so I can take you out on dates!"
"Yeah, well, I didn't hold a gun to your temple and make you sign it, did I?"
"Not physically, no," he scoffed. "But had I not signed the damn contract, I would not be here because you would have never agreed to go out with me!"
"I wonder why," I scoffed and he gave me a rather offended facial expression. "Oh, don't give me that face!"
"You're not exactly making it possible not to."
"God, you are so annoying."
"That's rich coming from you," he bickered. "You know, your brother was so right."
"Ah, was he, now?" I laughed at him. The fact that he brought up Brandon, the fact that they suddenly became buddies, was just amusing to me. If those two decided to gang up on me, well, that would have made me feel certain things, for sure.
"Yes, he actually was," he folded his arms. "You wanna know why?"
"Not really but you will tell me anyway," I chuckled smugly.
"He said you never appreciate anyone doing anything nice for you and I didn't want to accept that at first, but now, it's as clear as the sky to me!"
"Do you want me to kiss your feet for being a decent man or something?" I sneered. "God, of course, you would agree with my brother."
"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked me angrily.
"Hold your horses, pretty," the last word seemingly pissed him off and it made me smirk. I loved winning against men. There was something so great about seeing them feel defeated by women.
"God, you are so frustrating!"
"Try goddess," I sighed dramatically and waited for his response. I had doubts he had anything coming for me.
Well, unless it was him. I guess that would have been nice. Then again, that already happened not too long ago.
"You literally make me go crazy, you know that, right?" he questioned as we got back to my bedroom. "I do everything – literally everything – I can to make sure you're OK, to make sure you're still happy, no matter what happens. I really do try my best," he laughed in disbelief. "You know me... you have me. Wrapped around all of your fingers, literally, because you stretch me as far as you can. But still, it's like... it's like you don't want it or need it or accept it! It's so frustrating because if I don't do something – bother you at work or call you or take you out – then I don't get to have you in my life! You never show me you want me or need me or anything of that sort and it makes me feel like shit sometimes. I think... sometimes, I think you think I'm annoying or clingy and your behaviour – the way you treat me and act when we're together – is so confusing. You say all these things to me about you wanting to feel needed and wanted and I feel those for you and I try to show that to you to the best of my ability yet I don't feel like it is enough. I have no clue... like, absolutely zero, as to what else to do."
"Well..." I interrupted but he didn't wait for me to say anything else.
"There is only so much I can give you, Renleigh. I-I... there's nothing material I could get to show you I want and need you because you have money, you have everything. You know how I feel about you- you know I care about you more than words can explain... I-I don't know... will asking you to marry me show you how much I love you?"
Then, as if a lightning struck, he snapped his head towards my direction, his eyes wide as they stared into mine. The words he said, came out of nowhere and no one expected them. Not even Styles himself.
Those three little words hit me a little harder than they should have because I wasn't used to hearing them. I wasn't used to those words actually maintaining any real emotion behind them. In that moment, however, they seemed to appear in a snap of a finger and from someone who I least expected it from.
"Well, this is awkward," I said as I bit down on my bottom lip.
Way to make it worse, bitch.
"No. This is frustrating," he scoffed. "This was not how I should have said what I just did. And how do you know I even mean it? Do I mean it? Do I... I'm just angry. I don't know what's going on. I mean, I do. I am angry. I'm livid, actually," he laughed to lighten the situation. "I am absolutely mad that you cannot see just how much I want to make you happy and keep you safe. In my mind, I didn't do anything wrong – I didn't do enough – when I spoke to that man today. He had been harrassing you for absolutely ages and no one does anything about it! It makes me so furious because you had to deal with that and- and no one believed or believes you and they just keep inviting him around when you're there and I cannot begin to imagine how tough that must be for you," he only stopped to take a breath and I found it hard to actually process what he had been saying. Yet, at the same time, it was all crystal clear.
I mean, my mind had to understand it all, right? Why else would I have had tears in my eyes?
"I could barely stomach it when you told me and then we fought right after and this guilt... it's been with me for so long. I-I wanted to make it all right... I thought if I talked to this man, if I set him right, it would- it would be good or make you feel better – me. I guess, in the end, I wanted it for myself just as much as I wanted it for you," he admitted. I raised my eyebrow as I remained silent. "I don't like the thought of you getting hurt and feeling violated and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. You even asked me not to do anything but I still did and I feel like fucking shit because I went against you on that but it was important."
"Why?" I questioned.
"To show you I care. To show you that you deserve better. To show you I believe you. Renleigh, there is so much I want – for you. For us. I want there to be an us. I really, truly do. I just- I'm not sure what else to do... I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laid all this on you."
"Yeah, well, it's a bit too late, isn't it?" I asked sarcastically. He furrowed his eyebrows at my tone and choice of words.
"There you go again," he shook his head.
"Excuse me?"
"With the attitude."
"What attitude, exactly?" I crossed my arms.
"This one! The one you're so graciously gifting me with!" he said sternly. "I just poured my fucking heart out and all you can say is how awkward it is and how late I am. Do you have any idea how fucking hurtful you can be?"
"Well, I have never been my own victim but from what I have heard, I am quite the heartbreaker."
Styles scoffed and looked at me with his angry eyes. "I could run around the world twice for you and you would tell me to do it another two times because I wasn't fast enough."
"Well... you have mentioned something about a marathon and if you wish to win that race, you have to be prepared," I smiled cockily. "I am only doing you a favour."
"Yeah, I am not so sure about that."
"It was all in the terms and conditions that you failed to read since you were pretty quick to tick the box and get it over and done with," I reminded him of what he signed up for.
"Sometimes, I wish you'd just shut the fuck up."
"Aw, too bad, isn't it?" I chuckled. "How does it feel to know that not even you can make me shut up?"
"Darling, no one can shut you up," he said with a condescending tone. I looked at him with surprised eyes as he kept the angry attitude. "Oh, wait! I do know one person. I'm just not sure why you keep letting him control you like this!"
It took me a second to understand him. It didn't click right away. But when it did, all I wanted to do was jump on him and mess up his pretty face.
"How fucking dare you bring him into this?" I asked. "You know how- what happened and- and you just-,"
"Ahh," he laughed. "See? He can shut you up. No wonder no one knows about what happened and how he's able to get away with everything."
"You need to shut up before you say anything else," I warned him with my heart thudding. Suddenly, all of what he said earlier just vanished. All about how much he cared and wanted to keep me happy and make sure I was OK.
"It's not like you will, is it?" he hit where it hurt the most and that was exactly why I never told anyone anything. He just used what happened against me and it fucking stung.
"No," I looked at him with tears in my eyes. "No, it's not. Because just like you, everyone will throw it back in my fucking face and laugh about it then tell me to get back to London and mind my own business."
"Maybe you should. Since that's the only thing you care about, right?"
"Fuck you, Styles," as those words left my mouth, I felt a tear slip down my cheek and I never hated myself more. I wiped it away woth the back of my hand as I added, "I can't believe I trusted you..."
"Well, good thing that this contract is coming to an end, isn't it?"
"Oh, yes, it is," I sniffled and laughed a little. "You can sleep downstairs or wherever the fuck you find a place to lay your head. My lawyer will be in contact with yours soon enough."
"What for?" he laughed. "So, you can get a restraining order against me or something?"
"Not exactly," I said. "I'm gonna need to keep you quiet about what I told you and this is the only way I know you won't run your cheap mouth," I smiled at him smugly. "Now, I'm sure you know where the door is."
• • •
a.n.
ah i love when they fight properly 😌 this was so good and needed you know if not for them then for me x x no actually it was needed for them too cos this was like a turning point idk i guess it makes more sense to me cos i know what happens after this
also the next chapter dot dot dot please brace for impact . u are not ready .
thank u for all the love on this book i hope she's keeping you lot entertained 💆🏻♀️ xoxo