Pitch-black cloud mountains obscured the night-blue sky. The tips of the tall fir trees were silhouetted dark against the sky, weighing slightly in the wind. Domen stared blankly into the distance. He pulled on his jacket to protect himself from the cold that had already taken possession of him. With his last jump of this tournament all tension had dropped off him. Now he felt exhausted. Tired. Alone.
The masses raged behind him. In front of him, Piotr Zyla pushed himself into the air, opening his skis to a perfect V. It boomed dully in his ears. Every single glance followed the Pole. Enthusiastic cheers followed, as he flew over the green line and thus took the lead. The tension on the hill and in the stadium rose with every second. The tournament would be decided within the next few minutes and there was absolutely nothing that would have less interested Domen now.
All he could think about was, that it was over. He should be relieved that at the last moment he had realized what a big mistake he was about to make. What Daniel had almost done to him. But he wasn't. He still felt trapped. Pressed. Confused, he was still looking for answers.
"Late again, Butterprincess?"
Grinning, Daniel stared at him from the far corner of the windowless elevator into which Domen had jumped at the last moment. He had been so lost in thought that he hadn't seen the Norwegian when he was rushing through the closing doors.
"Actually, I'm early," Domen replied uncertainly and turned his back on Daniel. Stared at the silvery surface of the elevator in front of him to distract himself. His breathing was much too loud and excited in the silence. Like his heartbeat. He felt Daniel's presence with every fiber of his body. The Norwegian could have touched him as well. The tingling sensation that ran down his spine would have been the same. And he wanted that, as much as he didn't want it.
A quiet rustling behind Domen brought him back from his thoughts. The blurred reflection of the elevator told Domen that Daniel was now standing directly behind him. Domen closed his eyes. Waited, for what would happen, unable to move even a centimeter, when Daniel's warm breath tickled his ear and sent more small shivers through his body.
"Trophy room at the other end of the hallway. Right across the toilets. In five minutes? "He whispered in his ear. Domen turned around in surprise and looked, speechless, in the overjoyed eyes of the Norwegian. "What? "The Norwegian whispered amused. "You're not the only one who is on wrong ways now and then," the elevator doors opened with a pling. Daniel stepped out into the corridor without looking back, leaving Domen behind in confusion.
He had expected a lot, but not that. Not after the volleyball fiasco and another meeting with Peter. Nevertheless, Daniel had just stood in front of him. Solved and somehow happy. Daniel had found a way to keep going. While he still didn't know how to handle it. He only knew that he wanted to spend more time with Daniel. And that scared him more than he was willing to admit.
Domen was so lost in thought that he almost missed stepping out of the elevator. Only the doors closing in front of his eyes brought him back to reality. He stumbled out into the hall, right in front of an oversized picture of Stefan Kraft. Triumphantly, he held up the golden eagle.
Domen looked around stealthily as he put his skis against the wall. Daniel had gone to the lounge like everything was normal. And before he could think further, Domen followed the passage in the opposite direction and without hesitating disappeared behind the door opposite the men's room.
Cautiously, Domen groped for the light switch in the darkness. Sniffily, he looked around the dimly lit room. On each free wall were shelves in which subjects numerous trophies had been issued. Signs of past fame, that no one paid attention to any longer. Probably not even the cleaning lady. The faded yellow-brown wallpaper had been decorated with pennants, dishes, and old black and white photos at every vacant place. This strange arrangement was completed by a small round table with four old wooden chairs. The room radiated something forbidden. It reminisced Domen about the back room of a mafia boss, in which cries of pain could fade away inconclusively.
The door handle behind him was pushed down and Daniel quietly entered the room. "You should urgently work on the interior design of your wrong ways, Slowcoach," Domen remarked, letting his gaze wander demonstratively around the room to distract himself from his nervousness.
"Not everyone can have his own Narnia, Butterprincess," Daniel laughed in amusement as Domen watched with eyes widening, how the Norwegian slowly came closer, stopped in front of him and took his breath away. His brain was fogged, and his guilty conscience was silenced.
Daniel gently put his hands around his face, pulling Domen towards him. Gently, he lay his lips on his. Gave him an innocent kiss, which Domen would have liked to have deepened, if Daniel hadn't begun to follow the contours of his face with his finger. They had often stood in front of each other. Had kissed and touched each other, but never it had felt so familiar, so scary intimate, that it paralysed him.
Daniel put his hand to the cheek of the Slovenian. Daniel's eyes had followed his hand as if he wanted to remember every centimeter of his face, but now the bright forest clearing pierced him to the core. Searching for answers to questions that Daniel hadn't asked. "Everything okay?"
"Actually, I would have to ask you that. After all, this is my fault, "interrupted Domen restlessly their eye contact. He could hardly stand it anymore. Feeling overwhelmed, though Daniel said nothing but demanded everything.
"Do we really want to discuss it again?" Daniel whispered amused and pulled Domen closer to him again. "I'm fine, honestly. For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again. "
That explained a lot, but not everything. "What happened?" -
"You", the Norwegian pressed another short kiss on the tip of his nose.
"Daniel, I'm serious," he shoved his hand against Daniels chest and noticed how his cheeks began to burn. Recalled, that Daniel had never asked for more he was willing to give.
"Me too. And now it's your turn, "Daniel demanded, looking at him waiting and Domen knew that the blonde wouldn't let up until he had his answer.
"I haven't hired a contract killer," Domen replied evasively. "Satisfied?"
"Your anti-aggression coach deserves an award," Daniel replied dryly, shaking his head at the stubbornness of the Slovenian. However, he couldn't prevent his mouth twitching amused upwards, briefly.
"Why that? I had all the work, "snorted Domen indignantly.
"Poor Butterprincess," mocked Daniel amused and compassionate stroked his cheek. "You look really tired. The crown also hangs awry. "
"Haha," Domen slapped Daniel's hand away and would have liked to put on a grimmer face, instead, he had to laugh. And suddenly it was so easy to be with Daniel.
"Nana, do we have relapses after all?" Daniel chuckled and grabbed Domens hand before he got serious again. "Are you sure?"
"Dead sure. And with a bit of luck, Peter might also shift his attention to Cene, in the near future. You know, figuring out if Silje is befitting his social status, "said Domen, deliberately diverting the conversation in another direction. Pushed his guilty conscience aside.
"I don't know if that really works, Domen," Daniel tried again. "I-"
"No! Don't look for the coffin just because you see flowers. Where has your newly discovered optimism gone? "Domen wanted to know. "I mean, do you really want to make it that easy for me?"
"What?" -
"To win. I already told you that this, "he plucked at Daniel's yellow jersey before he grabbed it and pulled Daniel down to him, his voice just a little whisper," looks much better if I wear it. "
He didn't want to talk about Peter or how torn he felt. Desperately he pressed himself against Daniel's body, let himself be embraced by his warmth, enjoying the feeling of cotton candy in his head.
"We have to go back," Daniel finally pulled away from him, breathing heavily, glaring at the door.
Restless, Domen looked at her still intertwined hands. Feeling Daniel's grip became tighter, while he was staring at the door. As if playing with the idea of going through that door with him. Holding hands.
"Yes, we should go" Domen hastily withdrew Daniel his hand and earned a surprised look. What was wrong with him? Daniel would never do that. The Norwegian knew as well as he, that it would mean the end. Reassured, he watched Daniel eavesdrop briefly at the door before opening it. Domen cursed Peter for still poking around in his brain. Which was completely unnecessary.
Grimly, he looked at all the trophies and medals scattered all over. He would show it to Peter. He would prove everybody.
And he had really sworn that to himself. He had wanted to prove to Peter that Daniel wasn't bad influence. He had wanted to show him that he wasn't weak. That he could compete with the best. To convince Peter to shut up. He had fought his way through. Through the sheer endless minutes in the lounge at the top of the hill. Constantly aware of Peter's eyes. This almost unbearable tension between them. As if he could have change anything about it.
He had tried to somehow bring these two parts together without getting completely lost. Daniel and him together on one side and his normal life on the other. Only for Daniel. Daniel had made him try. Because of him he almost lost himself. Had almost forgotten who he had been before spending time with him.
Surprised, Domen looked up as someone slapped his shoulder. Looked in the friendly grinning face of the Pole. Gave him his hand mechanically. Packing his things, moving like a ghost through the crowd. All jumpers, carers, even the ski technicians had gathered in the exit area. Hardly any of them spoke. They all stared up, waiting for Daniel.
How they would look at Daniel, if they would knew it? Domen stopped in his tracks as he spotted Peter some meters in front of him. His brother had his lips pressed tightly together. The arms crossed in front of his body.
"Domen."
Seeking, Domen turned around and saw Peter, who made his way through the chaos a way to him. Daniel had hurried away after his jump. It wasn't the jump Daniel had needed, but nothing was lost yet. Not for him either. He had a good starting position. One he hadn't had for weeks. And it felt good. Familiar. It gave him back a piece of his security. It took Peter one of his arguments away.
"What do you want?" Domen grunted darkly.
"Can we talk?" -
"How so? Did you forget to show me the success statistics of exorcisms? "Domen replied bitterly. He hoped, that Peter would disappear again.
"No! I ... uh ... ", Peter glanced restlessly through the opaque crowd of service people, coaches, jumpers, VIP guests. From each corner they were curiously watched. Peter tried to start speaking several times before finally grabbing Domen by the arm and dragging him into the material container.
With a queasy feeling, Domen watched how Peter closed the door. The tall shelves on the walls looked threatening in the gloom. Even the faint light couldn't make it through the small narrow window at the back of the container. The thick walls dampened the announcer and the sounds of the audience. It was like being in the middle of a hurricane's eye. And Domen had to recall Daniel's words to stay calm: Peter's problem. Not his.
"I mean, I just want to understand it. I- Did you really think twice? "-
"Think twice?! Peter, I haven't considered anything! ", Domen threw his hands in the air helplessly. As if he had ever kissed Daniel, if only he had thought twice. "We spent time together and then everything was different."
"Different. Aha, "Peter replied and his tone was everything Domen needed to know what Peter was thinking. His brother didn't want to understand anything. He had already decided the verdict. "And how do you imagine, should it continue now? I mean, what are you going to do now? "
"What are you doing with Mina?" Domen countered, folding his arms across his chest.
"Domen, stop that now! That is completely different. Mina is a woman. We will marry someday. Have children. Just normal things. But you and ... him ... you let yourself get involved in something that just isn't good for you. His whole world isn't good for you, "Peter solemnly put his hands on his shoulder.
"Cene seems to disagree with that. He likes Daniel," Domen blurted out. It was the only thing in his mind, with which he could contradict Peter. But he knew himself, that it was a weak and stupid argument. Angrily, he shook Peter's hands off again. Contrary to Peters words. He shouldn't care. But he does. It wasn't all the same to him, even if he always liked to believe that.
He had spent so much time in the gym, hoping that Peter would eventually consider him as equal. That at one day he wouldn't push him aside with a smile. Normal things. Butterprincess, I'm normal. We are. He had never been normal in Peter's eyes. Never right.
"You know as well as I do that Cene sees the world more flowered than it is. Otherwise he would probably know what it means to be an athlete, "Peter wiped away his objection too easily. And even worse, Peter really made him feel he had no idea what he was getting into.
"What should that mean?" -
"I knew it. You have no idea, "exclaimed Peter complacently. "Damn, Domen! Think about it! Do you think you'll ever find another sponsor that allows you all the luxury? A company car? New suits every four weeks? Shoes? Phones? You have signed a contract because you represent a certain image in public. Because you should address specific target groups. Familys. Young people. Normal people next door. How do you think they would react when they find out? "
"No one will find out!", Domen contradicted and was annoyed that he sounded like a toddler that claimed not to be tired yet.
"Really?" Peter mockingly raised an eyebrow. "But what if? Let us just imagine it. What if we are competing in Russia? Turkey? Kazakhstan? Do you know what they do to people like him? Domen, please think about it once in your life! I don't want you any harm! I am your brother. I'm worried about you, because you are important to me. Don't you realize that?"
"Are you going to tell someone?" Domen asked incoherently, trying to hide the unsteady tremor in his voice.
"Domen. Do you really want to risk everything you've worked hard for for years? What if you wake up next week and realize that you made a mistake? I know you don't want to hear that at the moment, but you're young. The hormones are going crazy. Love and desire can easily be confused. I just don't want you to stand in front of the shambles of your life. Now you can change it. Just forget it. Him. Meet some nice girls your age. "
He didn't want girls of his age. That was exactly the problem. He had clicked through Instagram. Through the whole mass of girls in this world in his age. In his desperation he had been looking for someone who could elicit more from him than a weary smile. But there simply wasn't any. No matter how hard he tried.
Peter snorted contemptuously when Domen didn't respond. "I won't say anything. That is it what you wanted to hear, right? As long as your little secret has no negative impact on others, at least. I don't see why I should punish the team for your inclinations. "
"The team?" -
"Do you really think, that will pass without a trace at all, if someone finds out? Come on, Domen, you can't really be that naive. They will sping on every one of us. They will ask what went wrong with us. During the education of Mum and Dad. They will ask how we could allow that. Why no one has managed to keep the hormones of a seventeen-year-old teenager under control. They'll ask me that, "Peter explained darkly, and suddenly Domen hit the realization like a blow.
"You aren't at all concerned with me, are you? Or my future. This is all about you. Am I right? About you and your stupid immaculate image, that you love! ", Domen grew louder with each word.
"Don't be ridiculous," Peter demanded, casting a stealthy glance at the door.
"No!", Hissed Domen upset, this time, however, much quieter. "You're the one who is making a fool of yourself. If you can't handle it, that's your problem. Not mine. Honestly, if one of us has any damage here, then it's you! "
"Did he teach you that?" -
"No, just imagine: that's what I came to on my own," snorted Domen bitterly. "It took me long enough."
"What has become of you? I don't recognize you anymore. Don't you realize what he's doing to you?" Peter looked at him imploringly almost pleadingly. As if Domen were the one who must come to his senses again.
"HE," Domen pointed out, "did nothing. Unlike you, he accepts me the way I am. "
Peter scoffed contemptuously. "Is he doing that? Are you really sure? "His brother demanded, his face more and more like an ugly mask. "So, it was your idea to do something with him? Completely without his support? And what do you think, how long he will be satisfight the way it goes now? You aren't gay? . You have already followed him that far ... What do you think, how long it will take to convince you otherwise? Until he gets you so far that you can't go back? "
"I'm not listening to that shit anymore," Domen stormed to the door. "Daniel would never do that!"
The bad part was that he was firmly convinced of it. Without thinking, he simply left Peter and didn't doubt of Daniel for a second. Domen clenched his hands into fists. The noise of the mass swelled to an unprecedented extent, while the flags in the around the stadium suddenly hung limp down. As if even the wind took a break to watch Daniel jump. Against better knowledge, he turned around. Turned his face to the hill. It was over and he still couldn't get loose of him.
"No! What do you mean, maybe that's what I needed '? "Domen stood tensed in front of Daniel. He wasn't stupid. Daniel avoided his gaze, looking instead at one of the yellowed images of a football team. The Norwegian behaved strange. He had dismissed it earlier, but now ...
"Domen, please. After the competition- "
"No! Why did you need Peter? "Domen insisted stubbornly. Daniel hadn't indulged, too, since he had seen the Slovenian storming out of the container. He hadn't allowed him to downplay it.
"Because it has become clear to me that I don't want to go on like this, Domen" the Norwegian said quietly, almost raising his arms apologetically. "."
"You ... you want to have your coming out ?!", Domen stared in horror at Daniel. "No! No, forget it! You were the one who said it was Peter's problem and not yours, "he reminded the Norwegian. "Shit, Daniel! Just think about it: you're about to win the tournament! Everyone will talk about you. What you have done. You are at the destination of your dreams. Are you really going to mess this up for that?! Nobody has to care. That's your thing. Nobody needs to know."
"Domen... San has been haunting me for years because I let him. And now Peter ... It takes my breath away, "Daniel took Domens hand, which he immediately withdrew from him.
"No! That wasn't stipulated like that. You said it's a fight. You said it will become easier. It just needs time. I know, Peter can drive you crazy, but you really should not let yourself be carried away to such ill-considered shit. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about, "Domen folded his arms protectively in front of his body. Daniel was about to make a mistake. A huge mistake.
"I know, you can't imagine that at the moment-" Daniel tried to calm down Domen, but the Slovenian didn't let him speak.
"And how did you imagine this? What, please, do you believe how it will work? Like in these Disney movies? At the end with glittering rain? Wake up, Daniel! That won't happen! Never. Have you already forgotten Peter? Or San? ", Domen tried desperately to open the eyes of the Norwegian. This world just wasn't ready to accept Daniel the way he was.
"But what about Cene? Anders? ", Daniel contradicted and Domen would like to have grabbed him by the shoulders and shaken. "Tom? Or Andreas? "
"Tom and ... Tom and Andreas?" Domen whispered. He barely got it over his lips. Every syllable hit him hard, while a single thought raised: Daniel had betrayed him, and Peter had seen it coming.
"Domen, I ..." Daniel began hesitantly, giving him another blow.
"You have- you already told them about us?! About me? "Domen exclaimed in panic, his voice was unnaturally high.
"Of course not! I told them about me. But not a single word about you! ", Daniel defended himself and had the nerve to sound injured. Obviously, Daniel didn't get it. Nobody understood him.
"And you think the others are stupid? That they can't distinguish a ski jumping hill from a slide? What do you believe, will they think, when they see us together?! I mean, did you only think of me once? While you told them?" Domen hissed, unable to think clearly.
"If I- Domen, I'm not doing anything else for ages," Daniel burst out angrily, building himself up in front of Domen. "Since I saw you for the first time, I can't get you out of my head. All I wanted to do was living my life. But no! You had to reappear all the time. Over and over again, you showed up, literally pushed yourself into my life. And nothing was able to stop you. And it was hell, Domen! My personal hell in the middle of the sky, because you brought San back."
Stubbornly, Domen forced himself to look into the Norwegian's eyes, which were pinning him down. Daniel had cornered him. Held him captive between his arms, supporting himself against the wall. His hands clenched in fists. "Because you ran away. You ignored me. And then you came back and kissed me. I am thinking of you the whole time! This is all because of you! Shit, Domen, I love you. Are you even aware of that?"
"But I'm not gay!", Domen screamed and pushed the Norwegian away with all his strength, before he panic-stricken ran out of the room.
It was over. They had never had a real relationship, nevertheless it was over. And he should have felt relieved. Instead, he felt empty. They had had no relationship. In some countries, they weren't even legal. So, it wasn't like they could have had a future. He had managed without Daniel before, he would be able to cope without Daniel in future, too. He could return to before. He should feel relieved, instead he was empty and full at the same time. Full of memories. Empty because they didn't mean anything anymore.
Clinical, he stared at the big screen in front of him. He fixed his gaze at the hill. Daniel pushed away from the beam. Picked up more and more pace and ripped Domen into the abyss. Whirled everything up again.
"Put the claws away, princess!" - "Stop calling me that!" - "Stop behaving like one." - The constant encounters and taunts. - "Not bad, for a Butterprincess." - "Not bad, for a Slowcoach." - Jay and the Christmasman. - " Don't get upset, Butterprincess. Remember your mantra that you practiced."-" You aren't allowed to kill Norwegians."-" So, what's up? "- The stupid garbage bag. - "Are you against gays?" - Daniel's secret. " To put it in your words, Butterprincess: I don't need anyone, who is holding hands with me." - " You should be lucky, to have people around you, who are worring about you" - Touché, but seriously: I'm fine, Domen. "-" Stop it, Domen! "- He had pestered Daniel for so long. On New Year's Eve. " What could be so gigantic extent that it shouldn't come out from the forest in any case?" - " And okay, maybe I'm not as selfless as I'm pretending right now. Have you ever thought about the fact, that I could need a friend, too?"-" Okay. "-" Okay? What do you mean?"-"Let's become friends, Butterprincess. "- He had stolen that stupid letter, because it had driven him crazy, to not knowing, what was wrong with Daniel. " You understand?! No, you don't understand anything! Not the least, otherwise you would have leave it!"-" You can't just look so resigned and do nothing! Stop hiding and start living!"- "Open that damn door!" - " Come on, Daniel. Stake everything on one card once in a lifetime."-" It's you, Butterprincess." Until Daniel just overran him like an avalanche. "What the hell is this supposed to do?" - "You should yell at me, Daniel. I can't believe that- I'm so mad at myself! You wouldn't believe that. And you ... you understand?!" And he couldn't continue like nothing happened. As if everything was as always. „I am not gay. It- I feel honored, but I like girls." Although he had tried so hard. "Just do us both a favor and just admit that I was right after all. We can't just pretend that yesterday didn't happen. You aren't able to do that."-"Since we left, you keep me at distance. Give me the feeling that you can hardly stand it! Watch me, waiting for some reaction... I don't know... Either I'm going to do something wrong or made things worse. How should I behave normally?" He hadn't understood it himself. "Why are you doing this?" - "To help you." - "Tell me, is that actually intentional? This whole hot and cold game! This whole hot and cold game. Do you think I'm so hopelessly lost in you that I don't notice you flirting with Silje in front of my eyes?"-"Crap, I asked you, didn't I? Multiple times! If everything is okay. Why do you lie, if nothing is okay? I can't read thoughts! Like the most other normal people by the way! That's not my fault!" Until Cene came. "You've already realized that you're totally in love with Daniel, right? Or? Domen?" And suddenly Daniel had been the one who hadn't let up. "And I don't want you to change yourself. Or turn back time. Never, Butterprincess. Just ... don't lie to me. Not at that kind of thing."-"Do you even know what you're saying? It's everything, but not okay, Slowcoach. I'm not gay. But I can't stop thinking of that kiss either. Because it does matter to me. Because you matter to me. I'm not gay, Daniel. I can't be. But you aren't all the same to me either." Daniel had plunged his world into chaos. "Butterprincess, I am normal. We are."-" Still, you didn't have a coming out."- And had present him with a fait accompli, without thinking of the consequences. - "Because it has become clear to me that I don't want to go on like this, Domen. I don't want to hide anymore."-"You want to have your coming out?!"-"But what about Cene? Anders? Tom? Or Andreas?"- "Tom and ... Tom and Andreas?! You have- you already told them about us?! About me?" And he promised him everything, not knowing if Domen even wanted it. "I am thinking of you the whole time! This is all because of you! Shit, Domen, I love you. Are you even aware of that?"
Daniel approached the jump-off. Catapulted himself into the air with everything he had. Ready to either win or lose everything.
"But someday ... you just can't go on like this any longer. You can't fight against yourself without plunging you into your own evil. It kills you." –
Even Peter appeared in front of his inner eye. "Gosh, you're so selfish!" – "You have no plan for the future. I'm sure he has one."
Afraid, he watched Daniel. He started to sway when he flew over the first part of the hill.
"I don't want to hide anymore. I can't." - Kept more and more tipping to the right.
Domen froze. His breath stopped His heart skipped a beat. The few seconds, Daniel lost the control of his jump, became an unbearable eternity for Domen.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++
So, this was it. The last Domen chapter. One is left.