Lisa sat quietly on the couch. Her headache was getting better and her body wasn't as weak as before. The clouds in her brain slowly faded away. She could think much clearer. She turned the TV on with low voice. The night was still young but Jennie was nowhere near sight. She might be at her room or somewhere. Lisa felt relieved somehow. She wasn't confident to face her for the first time since she was fully sober.
"Hey, you're awake?" The sudden greet startled Jennie. "I'm sorry! Was I too loud?"
"No, no. It's fine, you're fine." She said, "I'm good now." Lisa stuttered.
"Okay," Jennie stood there - no less awkward from Lisa. "Do you want something to eat?" she offered.
"No, I'm good," she nodded. "Thanks."
"Can I sit here?"
"Suit yourself," Lisa replied without looking at her.
"Lisa, can we talk?" Jennie asked cautiously.
"About?"
"You."
"What about me?" She switched one channel to another. Internally fret about whatever Jennie wanted to talk about.
"Where were you?" She started with gentle tone.
Lisa exhaled her breath slowly. "I was from the bar," she said. Every cell in her body commanded her to stop, to walk away from Jennie right that second because it won't do her any good if she speak further.
"Is everything okay?"
Lisa remained silent.
"You said you try to do happy things, you keep on saying sorry. I don't - I don't understand."
Lisa tilted her head at the latter for a moment.
"What else did I say?"
"Incoherent words. You're having a bad dream."
Lisa was beyond mentally exhausted. She didn't really remember much what happened, though she was kind of glad because of it. She wanted Jennie to stay, she wanted Jennie to understand without telling the entire horrible story about her. But she can't.
Lisa sighed.
"You're right, Nini. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you." Lisa stated wearily. "I'll tell mom and dad and your parents, you don't have to put up with me any longer."
"What do you mean?" Jennie disliked the sound of it.
"I'm not good for you, Nini" Lisa sighed heavily. "Just forget it okay? Well remain friends if you want."
"I can decide for myself what's good and what's not for me." Her tone increased by words.
"I'm a mess, Jennie! Don't you see it?!" Lisa provoked. "My life is a mess, I screw everything up! Why are you putting so much effort for this to work? I'm not the person you'd want to spend your life with!" She shouted.
Jennie winced watching the frustrated Lisa she never saw before.
"I was diagnosed with PTSD way back then. You practically sit with a crazy person right now! Why don't you just go!?"
Seeing Jennie's reaction, Lisa held herself back. She tamed away and blew out some air to calm down. Her breath was raging and her head was about to explode. Her chest constricted so tight and it was painful. Nevertheless, she didn't want to scare Jennie. If they were going to end it up right now, at least she did in the right way.
"There's a thousand people out there who want to be with you, who can treat you better than I do. So go, go get that great life, I can't take that away from you - just..." she gulped. "Don't let me take that away from you," Lisa faced Jennie, her tone softened. "You're all that I can't have, Nini." She spoke broken-heartedly.
"Explain to me, Lisa. Make me understand why I should go."
*****
*Flashback*
"Shall we?"
She didn't even know why she's here - again - in this big lovely space. Her head messed up so bad and it won't stop buzzing. She had not slept in days. Every time she closed her eyes, her heart beat a little bit faster and it made her uneasy. She had tried to take some medicine to help her sleep at night-it worked-but she'd feel worse the morning after. Something in her brain refuse to corporate and determine to change her to a zombie or something.
"You can start from anywhere."
Where? She had no idea. Even though this psychiatrist was not foreign for her, it was still weird to be the one being questioned to. Doctor Choi - her psychiatrist- was merely two years older than her. She knew him pretty well Why can't he just clear her up?
"How are you?"
"..."
"Anything you want to tell me?"
"..."
"What's occupied your head the most?"
"This." She answered lowly. "Being in this room pressured me."
"I will clear you"
"When?" She looked up. "When will you clear me? I've been coming back here for a month, twice a week. You don't make me feel any better - well, your drugs do. But this?" She shook her head. "This thing you called psychotherapy had done nothing but stressed me out. Why don't you give us both a favor and get this over with? Give me more drugs and clear me already."
"You know that's not how it's going to work, Lisa. You can't depend on drugs forever. Your psy-"
"I'm tired of this bullshit." She abruptly stood up. "Why should I talk to you?! You're nothing to me! You know nothing about me! I need to cut and fix! That will help me through this mess!"
"I'm your doctor, Lisa." He calmly replied. "I want to help you."
"Your psychiatry grade is far below mine." Lisa mocked him. She felt the familiar beat rushed through her body. She started shaking in anger.
Something inside her head rang loudly. Her face turned red. The urge to hurt this guy before her was extremely hard to avoid.
"Take a seat, Lisa." Doctor Choi didn't move a muscle.
"I'm done here." She grabbed her lab coat angrily.
"Lisa, we still have twenty minutes left."
"I'm done with you." She stormed out the room before Doctor Choi can say anything.
Her temper became hard to control. At time like this, she had to stay away from people. The only thing that could help her was a punch bag. She visited gym frequently since she got back from the war. If it wasn't for the security that asked her to leave, she wouldn't. Her apartment scared her. If she could help it, she didn't want logo home. Her parents and friends offered their place but she had enough of lecture. Besides, she couldn't bear the feeling of annoyance every time they gave her that certain sad look. She didn't like people pitying her.
Fora month, she had held back her frustration. For a month, she played this game. But this had to end. No one understood her better than herself. She knew what she needed.
"Doctor Park?"
The called old doctor looked up from his reading. He lowered his glasses then closed his thick textbook. Lalisa Manoban was his golden student. He recognized gifted hands in her from the first time she walked into this very hospital years ago. He treasured her. She was his successor- he was sure of it.
Months ago, Lisa Manoban sat across him in his once and asked for his approval to join army medical team with Doctor Jungkook. He agreed, of course. He had served the army when he was young. As a surgeon, she had to get used to time, pressure and stress. He thought, what a better way to team than go down to the field? Her time on serving would be added to the hours of training, too. She'd kill two birds with one stone.
As a teacher and a colleague, he never wished something bad would happen to her. Needless to say, he was shocked to death when the chief of surgery notified him about the abduction. After weeks without news, he gave upon hope. He moved on with his life and tried to find someone to replace him later. It wasn't easy, though. He had not seen anyone as good as Lalisa. He swore to himself, if Lisa came back in any condition, he'd take her without a doubt. He'd help to fix her again.
"Yes, Doctor Manoban?"
"C- can you, please, ask the board to clear me?" Lisa was upset, he could tell.
"Lalisa-"
"That guy didn't help at all." Lisa ran her hand through her shoulder length hair. "I feel worse every time! see him."
"This is procedure, Lisa. I'm afraid I-"
"This is expropriation of my intellectual rights!" Lisa shouted. "They shut me out from my element- from what I do best. They don't even let me near any patient. They don't let me learn anything." She was sweating a lot. She was desperate and hopeless. No one was willing to help her "Please, Doctor Park?"
Doctor Park sighed deeply He was a man of his word. If only he had not said that promise before, he wouldn't get into a big trouble.
*****
"What happen then?" Jennie shortened their distance.
She was relieved Lisa managed to calm down. Became no mater how strong her external appearance, she was a bit afraid inside.
"He permitted me to give a hand at the ER. No surgery yet, you know, baby steps. He only discussed it with the chief. Their argumentation was pretty heat but he won. The board didn't have any idea. My fellow residents also kept silent about it. One day-" Lisa frowned then shook her head. "No, it was day one -I uh stepped into the ER feeling more alive than I've ever been. As usual, ER was packed. This man, he broke his arm by motorcycle accident - his fault, by the way and he complained about the pain. His bone broke to pieces and the wound was open. We've done the initial treatment for him. For the love of god, the pain will not go away perfectly anytime soon. I was helping other patients. He was screaming, swearing, trashing the bed and I..." Lisa swallowed the lump in her throat forcefully as she held back her sadness. "Suddenly my anger rose up and I - I didn't know what happen - how did it happen. The next thing I knew I got pulled out, people shouting, and Doctor Park got a prohibition from the board."
Jennie moved closer then held Lisa's hand. The latter flinched at the warmth. The feeling was odd but strangely comforting. Jennie squeezed it softly, asking her to speak more.
"I beat him." Lisa looked down in shame. "I put Dr. Park's career in danger. I should've known better. I was unstable, I had potential to do harm."
Lisa choked back her tears.
"I was lucky they didn't revoke my license." Lisa looked up to her with devastated eyes.
"I quit, Jennie. I can't do this. It is for your own good."
Lisa was vulnerable and small. It was a figure Jennie never imagined before. Her annoying and arrogant behavior turned out to be a mask to hide her true self-to hide her sadness and pain.
"Why don't you try with me? Give us a shot?" Jennie said with a soft and gentle voice.
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Why should I, Lisa?"
"Did you even hear what I said?"
"You were diagnosed with PTSD, so what? Why am I supposed to be afraid of you?"
"I'm not worth it, Jen. You don't want to waste your time with me." Her smile was full of hurt.
"Who says? The judge is me, right? It's my choice and I want to try it with you."
"I'm no good for you, Nini." She chuckled bitterly.
"How good is good?" Lisa stared questionably at her. "You don't get to define good when you don't know good. You don't know good if you don't try to be good. All you have to do is say yes. And try, with me."
*****
The beeping beneath her pillow was too loud for her liking. She squinted her eyes to see who was texting her at this ungodly hour.
[Seulgi 7.09 a.m.]
Will you come to work today? Or should I inform your secretary you're still running on a cold?
Cold? What cold? She didn't catch a cold. Lisa was still in severe drowsiness state to process whatever Seulgi meant. She locked her phone as she tried to sleep again before a soft knock disturbed her.
"Lisa? Are you awake yet?"
"Yeah," the yawned betrayed her answer. "I mean, I am now. Why? What's up?" She yawned again.
"You okay?"
"Yeah," she rubbed her eyes. "None nightmare whatsoever."
Jennie knew she didn't get nightmare. She did talk incoherently in her sleep but it wasn't something harmful. She checked on Lisa every now and then last night. She slept on the couch just in case Lisa needed her for anything.
"I was just wondering if you want to stay home today or go to work?" Jennie pushed the door wider.
"Why is everybody asking no this? What day is it today?"
"Tuesday." She replied.
"Oh." She stretched her arms. "Wait, so I didn't go to work yesterday?!" She was fully awake when the realization hit her.
"Um, yes? But your friend said they'd inform the department that you're down with a cold so you need to rest." Jennie explained.
"Huh?"
"They're here at the night you were... you know."
"They're here?"
"Yeah," Jennie leaned by the door frame. "I saw guilt in their eyes. Jisoo kept on saying it was her fault with low voice but I can't help but hear it. Did something happen?" She asked.
"Lets just say I wont talk to her for the time being. I don't want to talk about it. Just let it go, okay?"
Jennie perceived that Lisa was in too much pressure already. It wasn't wise to push her limit right now, it'd only drive her away. "Okay, go take a shower. I'll prepare our breakfast."
Jennie pulled the doorknob to make her way out.
"Nini?"
"Hmm?"
"Lets just go outside, have breakfast at diner or coffee shop or something. I need fresh air."
"How about picnic at the park?" The lawyer offered.
"Good idea. I'm going to shower now."
"Sure, I'll prepare our meal!" Jennie closed the door behind her.
Lisa sighed as she heard the soft click.
"Why do you care so much, Lisa?"
Lisa shook her head, picked up her phone as she typed 'Cold' to the shorty and sent it.
*****
"Hey, are you ready?" Lisa walked in as Jennie closed the lunchbox.
"One problem, we don't have a picnic basket," Jennie huffed. "And I just realize it just now. Great. I mean, I've already prepared all the things we need."
"Picnic basket? Don't worry, I have one." Lisa said as she disappeared with noise making Jennie wondered what was she doing.
"Tada!" Lisa elevated the blue box, grinning proudly. "Lets put them in!"
Jennie looked at Lisa weirdly for split second before burst out laughing.
"Lisal That's your laundry basket!" She kept laughing her heart out.
"It's still a basket nonetheless." Lisa glared at her. She crossed her arms, frowning disapprovingly at the latter.
"But - but hahaha!" Jennie couldn't control her laughing. Lisa was so adorable when she pouted like that.
"Look, we need a box- basket, picnic basket whatever. It has the same function with my laundry basket. We can put the food here, it even has more space if you want to put something else. Book maybe? Laptop? I don't know. I'm telling you it is functional." She finished her rambling solemnly pointed the blue big box.
"Okay, okay," Jennie chuckled. "But you take it to the spot. I ain't gonna lift that around." She pointed her finger at Lisa.
"Whatever." Lisa mumbled.