I always heard of the stages of grief, but I'd never experienced them first hand until Cathleen passed away.
Of course, I was heartbroken when Cathleen passed away, but my grief couldn't compare to Ryder's grief.
The first night was hard, we didn't make it home until six in the morning because we had to talk to funeral directors and hospital personnel. It was hard to get Ryder to sleep, he couldn't stop crying or saying that he couldn't believe she was gone.
My heart hurt for Ryder and I didn't know how to help him, but I tried my best. I went to the meetings with the funeral director, to pick out a casket, and with providing meals.
Two days after her death, Ryder's extended family began coming into town. I learned that his Mom had five sisters, which meant Ryder had fourteen first cousins on his Mom's side alone.
The first time, I'd seen Ryder smile in those forty-eight hours is when we met two of his cousins' kids. I think they were a good way to get Ryder's mind off of things even if it was temporary.
But after denial came anger.
I opened the door to the bathroom to see Ryder crying on the floor. His hair was wet, his towel was around his waist, but his fist was bleeding and the mirror was broken.
"Oh, Ry." I mumbled as I threw my crutches to the side
I sat down on the cold marble floor, grabbed an old beach towel, and scooted myself next to Ryder. I wrapped his hand in the towel and his head fell on my shoulder.
"I never got to say goodbye!" He sobbed, "I fucking hate myself for it, I should have known that she wasn't okay. I hate her for not telling me that she wasn't okay!"
I hushed him, "Ryder, you do not hate her. You hate the cancer that took her away from you."
"Just when I started to believe in a God, my Mother is gone." Ryder began, "Where is God? Why didn't he protect me, why didn't he protect her?"
Ryder never ever talked about his spiritual life. I always thought it was because he wasn't brought up like that but Ryder did believe in something. But I'd read up on grief and the anger stage was something to be let out, not kept in.
"I'm sick of people bringing in food and laughing and smiling like everything is okay. Nothing is okay!" He yelled, "I hate myself for being like this. I feel sick, angry, and upset. I don't even know why you're still here."
I stroked his hair, "You've been through a lot, Ryder. Your ex-manager abused you, you were forced to break up with me, you found out your Mom had cancer, you had shit held over your head, I could have died in a car accident, and your Mom died, Ryder. You've been taking hits back to back, you have a reason to feel like this."
Ryder sat up and turned towards me.
I used the hand that wasn't holding the bloody rag to wipe his tears.
"I'm still here because I'm in love with you. I would go to hell and back for you, Ry and I know you would do the same for me" I began, "I'm never leaving you, you're my best friend. I'd do anything to give you some happiness."
He was silent and just stared at me.
I wish I could protect you from anything.
"Do you think less of me right now?" Ryder wondered
I shook my head, "Not at all, wouldn't you let me know if you were thinking less of me? You would and I would do the same."
"Get in bed, I'll pop some popcorn, we'll watch a movie, and go find a new bathroom mirror in the morning." I began, "Let's wrap your hand first."
Ryder nodded as I got the first aid kit.
I put Neosporin on his hand and wrapped it in gauze. He helped me get back on my crutches before I headed downstairs.
Well, he met me downstairs so he could carry the popcorn back up the stairs. Watching the movie got his mind off of things for a while and it was nice to see him looked relaxed while he was asleep.
I prayed he had better days ahead.
But the next three days was anything but easy.
I went to Charlotte for sixteen hours to get my cast replaced with a boot when I came back to Georgia my family was with me for the funeral.
The funeral was a funeral. There were many tears, some laughs, and more tears.
It was everything Cathleen would want.
It was nonreligious and instead of reading scripture, poems were read. All of her immediate family remembers read something they wrote about her and it was touching. I knew he hated the laughing and the smiling at his house after, but it was something I wanted him to do again.
After anger came bargaining.
He was constantly thinking of ways he could make his Mom come back or things he could have done differently so she would still be here.
And I hated that he was constantly blaming himself for his Mom's death when there nothing he could have done differently to prevent it.
I stayed in Georgia with Ryder while he and his family healed.
Maybe it was a good thing my car accident happened. I got to be here with him and not have to worry about work.
The compensation from the wreck helped too.
But no compensation from the wreck could help with the wave of depression Ryder was going through.
I did as much as I could to take stress off of his load.
Even if it was doing his laundry, cooking, or cleaning up the house.
Then Valentine's Day came along.
I made Ryder heart-shaped pancakes, eggs, and fruit. I brought it up to him in bed and the look on his face was priceless.
"Baby." He swooned, "You're so fucking cute."
"Happy Valentine's Day, my love." I said as I placed the tray in bed
Then for the first time in a while, I saw a smile on Ryder's face.
"I can't believe this." Ryder beamed, "And to think you ditched me last Valentine's Day."
I grinned as I sat in bed next to him, "Don't act like we were a thing."
"I gave you a dozen long stem, red roses." He reminded me as he began to eat
Then I heard the doorbell ring.
I looked at him, "It's nine in the morning, who is that?"
"Go see." Ryder winked
I gave him a look before I walked downstairs. I opened the front door to see a florist holding a vase.
"Miss. Johnson?" She questioned me
I nodded, "That's me."
"Here's a special delivery for you, happy Valentine's Day." The lady smiled as she handed me the vase and teddy bear
I took the vase and teddy bear, closed the door, and ran back upstairs.
"Ryder James!" I beamed, "Two dozen roses?"
He nodded, "I thought I do two dozens instead of one this year, I'll always include a bear."
I placed the vase and the teddy bear on our nightstand, "Thank you."
"What do you wanna do today?" I asked him
"I'm gonna go grocery shopping like a big boy to get out of the house. You should come with me and I'll cook you a Valentine's Day Dinner." He answered me
I laid my head on his arm, "Sounds perfect, happy first official Valentine's Day."
Ryder kissed my forehead, "I love you so much. More than you'll ever freakin' know."
Our first official Valentine's Day was just as I imagined it to be. I was happy that Ryder was showering, shaving, and even going to multiple stores with me.
We went into target and had a ball in the home section and picked out a movie for tonight. We decided to go get a couple's massage and then finally going grocery shopping.
Ry and I cleaned the house together then Ryder ordered me to stay upstairs while he got downstairs ready for tonight. Even though we weren't going anywhere, he still wanted to get dressed up.
I wore a red wrap, mini dress. There was a deep V that showed off my boobs perfectly. I curled my hair, did my makeup, and put on nice jewelry. It felt nice to get dressed up for a good reason, even if I couldn't wear heels.
Ryder came to get me wearing a white button down dress shirt, navy dress pants, and dress shoes.
"You are so beautiful." He complimented me as he scooped me up
"I'm perfectly capable of walking down the stairs now." I reminded him with a smile
Ryder walked down the stairs with me in his arms, "I know, but I love having you in my arms."
When he put me down, he led me to the dining room that he did an amazing job decorating. It was dimly lit, a nice table cloth, instrumental music in the back, and there were white peonies in the middle of the table.
He knew all of my favorite flowers.
Ryder cooked us steak, asparagus, and mash potatoes. The boy was good in the kitchen and I couldn't even lie.
Valentine's Day was our first good-good day in a while.
We smiled, we laughed, and we ate a nice home cooked meal.
Ryder sang me My Funny Valentine while we danced in the living room. Everything he did that night reminded me why I loved him.
I loved the way he loved me, the way he cooked, the way he smiled, his corny ass jokes, his angelic voice, and his performance in bed.
On the 16th, we drove to Charlotte to watch my brothers formally commit to a college. I knew Ryder was still going through a rough time and I was thankful that he made this trip for my brothers and me.
"What led you two to choose Clemson?" Ryder asked Jack and Finn
"Because through you, we learned that family is important. We'd rather be two hours away than seven." Jack answered
Finn nodded, "And the family legacy."
Just don't drop out like us.
We went back to Georgia for a few days before our trip to California.
There was this moment that Ryder and I sat in his living room, watching old school movies that he began to open up.
He put his notebook and pencil down on the coffee table, "Holland."
I looked over at him from the recliner, "Yeah?"
"I'm ready." He announced
I gave him a confused frown, "For what?"
"To accept that she is gone." He answered me
I stood up and sat down on his lap, "What's going on?"
"It's just, I was thinking back to when I was younger and the fact that I didn't have a good relationship with my Mom." Ryder informed me
I was learning something new about him every day, I swear. I would have never guessed that Cathleen and Ryder weren't close at one point.
"I bought this place at seventeen because our relationship was so tense. I guess I resented her for pushing me into fame so young, don't get me wrong, I loved Peach Jam but I hated not having a normal childhood." Ryder started, "I was on Disney and in movies on and off from eight to fourteen, Peach Jam formed when I was sixteen. I never got to be normal and she was such a stage Mom for the longest."
"When did you get a good relationship with her?" I asked him
"Twenty." He confessed, "Yeah, but I'm happy it was sooner than later. I still wasted so many years holding a grudge."
"Maybe so, but you didn't when she needed you the most." I reminded him as he stroked my cheek, "That's what's important."
"I know." He nodded, "It just bothers me."
I looked him in the eye, "Growing up as Grier's little sister sucked, I hated my whole family for it. I had a beautiful sister, brothers who were football Gods, and then there was Holland. I never figured out my way until my barely freshman year of college."
"You had dance." Ry bought up, "And you won Miss. St. Agnes."
"Yeah, but compared to my siblings that's nothing." I shrugged, "Also, my Mom and sister won that before me."
Ryder played with a strand of my hair as I continued to talk to him
"I felt so left out for the longest." I admitted, "I don't think anyone ever noticed."
"Until you were the one less lonely girl, huh?" Ryder smirked
I rolled my eyes jokingly, "Yes of course!"
"I think that you've always been amazing and you're never just Grier's little sister. You're Holland fucking Johnson." Ryder said to me
"You're beautiful, so talented, and you have an amazing personality. You're a dream and I love you." He continued before he kissed my cheek
My boy knew how to hype me up and make me feel like a queen.
"Thank you for being there for me the past almost three weeks." Ryder thanked me as he pulled away
"I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else." I spoke before I melted into him
We continued to tell each other embarrassing childhood stories and it brought us closer than we already were - if that was even possible.
When he got to Los Angeles, I was reminded of how much I missed the beach.
Ryder was getting back into writing songs and one day, when I came home from working on my future plans, there was a CD.
"Ryder!" I called out
He walked in from the balcony, holding a smoothie.
"I went to the studio today. I recorded some songs that I've written in the past month or year." He started, "Let's take a ride to Malibu in the convertible and listen."
I gave him a smile, "Okay, yeah, let's do it."
There were four songs, but my favorite one was the one titled Couldn't Tell.
Now I couldn't tell
But she's keeping me well
All of my secrets releasing is pieces of me alone
Honestly destined to fail
But you were all on my mind
'Til we made what we are
'Til we kissed in the car
Vulnerable as hell
Not stalling, crawl in
Girl, you knew me well
As we walked by the beach, the past month confirmed everything that I felt about Ryder was real.
This was not temporary.
I loved-loved him.
This is where I was supposed to be.
_________
Song Playlist (spotify username - maceymae472, playlist: HSJ): https://open.spotify.com/user/maceymae472/playlist/2aaMRVcgoLZIyylR38lAUD?si=Cd-NVCSfSqec7UPEcR8Ndw