Dean sat there in stunned silence, as he cradled Sam's shaking form in his arms. He couldn't believe it, his big lump of a brother who'd always been able to make it through anything thrown at him, was sat here shaking in Dean's arms crying his eyes out. He was broken. He was finally broken, and Dean had no idea how to fix him.
They sat like that for a good few hours before Dean finally felt Sam's breathing level out and just hoped for his sake he was too exhausted to have any more nightmares tonight. Dean slowly detached himself from Sam and went to pick up his phone as it had started vibrating. He didn't want to disturb Sam, so took his phone outside and sat down right outside the motel room door, it was Bobby.
"Dean, you called 20 times, what on earth's the matter boy?"
"Well I don't know if you could really say the problem is on earth Bobby." He knew his attempt at humor was weak, but he couldn't bare to be serious when he decided to tell Bobby about what Sam had said, that made it feel all too real to Dean.
"What in the devil are you taking about boy? Is it something to do with Sam?"
Dean didn't even know how to begin telling all this to Bobby.
"Look boy, if you'd rather come and talk to me in person that's fine, but I can't be making any cross country trips with this dud leg of mine."
Dean knew he'd have to tell Bobby about this, but Sam wasn't in any state to be travelling all over the place, that left two possibilities, go in secret, or just leave Sam behind.
"Okay Bobby, I'll be right over, I just need to sort out a few things first."
Dean hung up the phone and started heading back to the room, he hated himself for even thinking of leaving Sam like this, but sometimes it just had to be done. He crept around the room, collecting only the necessities, so being careful not to wake Sam in the process, and left Sam and note on the table letting him know he'd be back in a few days, Bobby said he needed his help urgently and didn't want to wake him. He also thought of adding a little extra on the bottom letting Sam know that he was safe now, and Lucifer would never be able to touch him again, but wanted to talk to Sam about that in person so left it off the note.
He left the next 3 days pay for the room at the motel desk so that Sammy wouldn't have to worry about that as well as himself, and Dean left the motel in his impala almost immediately regretting his decision.
Sam woke up to an oddly silent room, he saw that Dean wasn't in there but simply presumed he'd gone out to buy food or beer or pie. The thing that struck Sam as most odd at that moment, was the fact he had had a completely undisturbed sleep for the first time in a very long while. He should have been more aware of the situation, but as he was actually feeling good at that moment in time, he simply nestled back under the covers to await Dean's return.
It was only after Dean didn't come back for hours, and it got to 3am that Sam started to worry. He got up and started looking around the room for clues when he saw that Deans duffle had gone along with half the the weapons. Sam was getting panicked now when he saw the note sitting on the table with his name on;
Sammy,
Had to go over to Bobby's for a few days, he needed help on a hunt, don't worry about me, I'll be back soon.
Dean
Sam stared at the piece of paper in his hands before feeling this swell of anger grow inside him at the thought that Dean had left him when he needed him the most. In a flurry of rage, Sam ripped up the piece of paper and started ripping over any furniture that he could get his hands on, even managing to upturn Deans bed. Sam was screaming as he was doing so, and before long he felt the first tears start to run down his cheeks, as he slumped against the opposite wall and let the tears fall free as sobs racked his body as he began wailing Deans name over and over.
Sam didn't know how long he'd been sat there crying before he finally realized how pathetic he must look, a 29 year old man crying about not having his big brother by his side, no wonder Dean had run off to Bobby's at his first chance, Sam was a mess.
Sam hated himself for letting it get to him so much, but he just couldn't help it, before he even thought about what he was doing he was up walking over to the remainder of the hunting gear Dean had left. He was only looking for one thing in particular, so tossed all the other bits across the room for someone to pick up later. Then he found it, the little knife Sam always kept around his ankles, he kept it the sharpest of all his knives as it was only ever needed to get out of the toughest situations, but not today, today it was going to be used for Sam's uses only. He carried the knife to the bathroom, and stared at his reflection in the mirror to see how much of a mess he looked. His eyes were bloodshot from crying so much, his face was all red and streaky, and his breaths were still coming in short ragged spurts making him look like a mad man.
You're a fuck up Sam
Everything you do, you fail and ruin
Even Dean's left you now
He couldn't stand knowing he has a fuck up as a brother
Sam pressed the knife down against his skin as he allowed to tears to fall freely from his eyes again, no one was here to stop him because no one cared about Sam anymore, everyone had left. Sam slowly dragged the blade along his skin, hissing through his teeth at the fresh pain that was beckoning him, demanding to be felt. Sam didn't care though, he finally felt peace when he saw the blood drip from his wrists onto the floor and into the sink, it made him feel more alive than he had in months. He continued slicing slowly through his arms until he began to feel light headed, so had to sit on the bathroom floor.
Then came the hysterical laughter.
Sam thought of how stupid he must look right now, like a big over grown baby crying on the floor of a motel bathroom covered in his own sweat and blood. How mad at him would Dean be if he saw him right now, he'd think he was even more disgusting than he already did. In Sam's delusional state, he found this absolutely hilarious and continued laughing to himself as he slowly lost consciousness.
Dean arrived at Bobby's early the next morning, and couldn't wait more than a few minutes to spill everything Sam had told him. Bobby simply sat and listened to all the gory details before finally taking a deep breath and sighing, Dean couldn't help but feel angry at Bobby, he was meant to be able to fix all the messes Sam and Dean got in to, so why couldn't he fix this one too.
"Bobby, say something man, I need your advice here!" Dean hadn't meant for it to come out so desperate, but when Bobby looked into his eyes and saw the eyes of a hopeless man, he couldn't help but share in Deans pain.
"Look Dean, I know you came here expecting me to fix everything for you, but maybe the only way to fix this is to actually talk to Sam about it, rather than running away from him. I mean, hell, that boys been through more than I've seen any hunter go through these past few years, but he's always made it through the tough times because you've been right at his side. So the only piece of advice I can really give you, is to stop trying to run away from your problems, and get your sorry little ass back to your brother to actually do something about this." Dean looked up into Bobby's eyes as he spoke, his tone was soft, yet firm, and Dean knew as soon as he'd said it that he was right. He shouldn't have left Sam straight away, he probably feels completely betrayed by Dean.
"Aw shit man, I really screwed up this time didn't I. Well I'll give him a call to check on him, and I'll let him know I'll try and be home tonight rather than tomorrow morning."
Dean was becoming increasingly worried about Sam, and it was slowly dawning on him, just how stupid he could have been thinking it was a good idea at all to leave Sam alone, immediately after he'd just fessed up his biggest secret. He moved into the next room and took out his phone and started dialing Sam's number. It went through to voice mail after ringing out. Dean tried again and again and Sam finally picked up on the 7th time, he sounded awful.
"Sammy? Hey it's Dean, how are you?"
"Dean, uh...Dean. What do you want?"
Drunk. He was either drunk, or had just woken up.
"Hey Sammy, yeah it's me, just calling to check in and let you know I'll be home tonight instead of tomorrow okay?"
"Okay." and the phone went dead. Dean was quite taken aback by Sam's bluntness, but merely shook it off as a grudge for leaving him alone, so went and said goodbye to Bobby and headed off on his way back to the motel.
Sam threw the phone against the wall as soon as he'd hung up on Dean, he couldn't believe Dean would hate him that much he would actually pretend to care.
The incessant ringing on Sam's phone was what had woken Sam up from his state of unconsciousness, it seems as though his cuts had stopped bleeding at some point during the night as his arms were all sticky with blood when he woke up. Sam judged the amount of blood he had lost by how weak he was when he stood up to try and answer the phone, so, in short, a lot.
As Sam started the clean up his wounds, he realized he couldn't let Dean see him like this, it would only make him more disgusted in him. That is, if he was actually coming back to the motel, who would want to see someone who'd been raped. Sam felt dirty even thinking the word.
He made the decision then and there that he'd have to leave. He would take whatever things he had with him in the motel room and he'd leave. Sam couldn't quite believe that only 3 days ago had life seemed so perfect to him, he was finally getting along with Dean, and they were back to having their brotherly bonding sessions, but then Sam had to go and open his big fat mouth, and tell Dean all of the gruesome details about his time as Lucifer's toy.
That was it, that was Sam's decision, and no matter how much it truly pained him to have to say goodbye to his brother without even seeing him, he had to do it. He couldn't wait around to see the hatred that was undoubtedly filling Dean's eyes and heart even at the mere thought of Sam.
So Sam set to work. He didn't bother clearing up the mess he'd made the previous night, he just collected everything he needed and shoved it into his duffle. Clothes, guns, knives, explosives, anything he could find in the room. Including his little ankle knife he'd used so much last night. He still didn't really understand why he'd taken the knife to his skin in the first place, but all he knew now was that it had given him clarity, a different perspective on the whole situation, and in the long term, Sam thought that might be a really useful tool to have.
Next came the letter, it hadn't occurred to Sam just how hard it would really be to say goodbye to Dean this way.
Dean, the boy he'd followed and looked up to since the age of four. Dean, the guy who's raised him into the man he'd become today. Dean, his brother who he'd never get to share one last hug with. Dean, his best friend in the whole world.
Dean,
I don't really know where to start with this, I honestly thought it would be easier.
I'll start at the beginning, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not being the brother you'd always hoped I'd become,
I'm sorry for always failing you, and making everything worse when I try and help,
I'm sorry for consistently screwing things up between Dad and us,
I'm sorry for mum's death, I know deep down, it was always my fault she died, no matter what we found out,
I'm sorry for always being a burden on you and not being able to take care of myself.
But Dean, you can smile now, and be happy, because I won't be around to be a burden anymore, I won't be around to fuck things up for you. You'll be able to go out to the bars at night and not feel guilty because I'm back at home,
You'll be able to live your life exactly the way you choose without having to worry about me getting caught in the crossfire.
I only ask a few things in return Dean,
Please, please, don't look for me, just be free and be your own person for once in your life, hell, everyone knows you deserve it.
Please, be careful. I want you to live your life to the fullest, and if you die before me in a stupid hunt or something, I swear I'll bring you right back to life and switch places with you.
And Dean, you won't have to "watch out for Sammy" anymore.
Goodbye Dean.
Sammy
Sam didn't know why he was signing it off from Sammy, but somehow that just felt right.
Sam looked behind him at the room Dean would be returning to tonight, and gave it once last check for weapons before he left and closed the door behind him for good.
"Goodbye Dean."