I have just checked in the hotel room I had reserved for William and I. I'm so happy we get to spend time together. I have never felt like we understood each other as much as we do now. We spent the whole day yesterday shopping together in London. We had a single purpose, to find him an engagement ring for Cynthia. It has been more complicated than I would have thought. We have been to two jewellery stores before he found the one. It was instant the second he saw the ring he bought. He fell madly in love with its simplicity.
I was also very surprised to see that my brother had such a big budget for a ring. He must have been saving for weeks. And yet, he tells me his decision was spontaneous when he learned that he had been sacked. I never really thought about it that thoroughly, until now in the hotel room, laid on the bed to rest from our journey before dinner.
"I had no idea you had such a big budget for rings..." I let out, sliding my hand under the white pillows displayed on the bed to lay my head more comfortably.
"It wasn't for rings per se. But seeing Simon not having a budget and spending all of his money left and right for years made me want to save in case anything went wrong and I had to cover his half of the rent."
"Did it happen often?"
"Maybe two or three times, but he always paid me back. Through the years, I have saved my money in case anything happened. And see? It's paid off. I have no job, but I have finally realised what I truly wanted in life."
"Was it immediate or did it take time before you've made peace with this whole situation?"
"Simon and I got suspended for a week and I realised that I didn't mind it at all. I spent the whole week with Cynthia and realised that I could see a lifetime like that with her. Simon on the other was losing his shit. He wanted to go back to work. He was crazy worried that we'd get sacked. So I took the blame for us both and here we are."
"How did Simon react to not working with you anymore?"
"Not as bad as me spending the week with Cynthia." He responds and laughs. "The poor lad felt so betrayed that I'd spent my time off with her and not with him."
"He'll have to get used to it if you get engaged."
"I can say he won't be pleased at all."
"Is he always such a baby?"
"Oh yeah! He needs a bit of a reality check." William laughs and sighs. "At least, for now, he has Ronnie to keep him company at the flat until the case with Steeve is solved."
He's right. Since the thing with Steeve happened, none of us really trust to be at her flat. I wanted her to come with us to Edinburgh, but Simon suggested the idea to live with him for a week, the time that William and I come back. He was ecstatic about the idea, and I think she liked the attention. At least, they are both happy with the situation.
"I think that's exactly what is happening. When you'll move out and marry Cynthia, he'll see that you have your life figured out and not him. I hope living with Ronnie for a week will make him want to settle."
"He just needs to grow up."
"I'm sure he will. The fruit didn't fall that far from the tree!?" I joke and see my brother smile as he takes the pillow on which he was resting his head to throw it at me. I take mine and throw it back at him. He catches it and brings it back under his chin.
"I think everything happens for a reason whether we see it or not. I see every obstacle as an opportunity. I think we must, or else we'll always find ourselves disappointed." He sighs, giving me one last glance but he rolls on his back and looks at the ceiling.
I look at him a second more and mirror him. I roll on my back and look at the ceiling. My mind immediately drifts to what he has just said and it makes me think about Marcel. I haven't talked to him in two days.
Everything happens for a reason.
It sounds like something I have said to Marcel once. I think I said to him that we were destined to find each other, to learn from each other. I think it's true. I feel so sad that we always have to fight, but it seems to be the only way he understands my concerns about Kate. I thought he understood. I thought he truly had chosen me like he said when he followed me home after that dramatic night at the dungeon.
In a spring of spontaneity, I take my phone out of my pocket. I see a text from Ash. It doesn't surprise me, we chat everyday since he's left London. I'll respond to him later.
I don't really think it through, but I click on Marcel's name and write what I'm feeling at the moment, still very inspired by what my brother has just told me. "I love you, Marcel." I first send, but I feel a slight need to justify myself to amend things between us. "I just want you to be there for me like I so want to be there for you. No matter what happens, you and I are a team. Always. -xx-"
I am not expecting a response. One thing I am sure of at this moment is that I have written to him not because I feel dependant of him, but because I miss him. Our relationship feels so different from anything I have ever known in my life before. Our love isn't like the one I have shared with Steeve, or the one I have witnessed from my parents, or even from William and Cynthia's. We are both passionate people that are intense in our emotions. We are intense in our work, in our love, in our commitment and in our arguments. The great thing about Marcel is that he overthinks everything. He analyses everything. I know whatever I say to him, he will think about it thoroughly. He has a gorgeous mind and an even more wonderful soul. Sadly for him, it has been corrupted by a wicked "witch" as Eddy calls her. It annoys me so profoundly to know his very tender and scarred soul has been used the way it has. I feel so sorry for him, and yet, if he is to fight me again on that matter, it only proves that our love isn't strong enough. I don't want to leave him, I love him so dearly, but I won't risk my life, my career, or my sanity for a man I have known for three months now.
I leave the conversation with Marcel and click on the one I have with Ash. He is so kind. I smile immediately at what he said.
Ash: Tell me when you're here. I want to know you've had a safe travel.
Me: I'm in Glasgow for the night to see you. I have my brother with me. You think you can get us a pair of tickets?
Ash: Don't you want to come backstage?
Me: I've seen you from backstage. I've never been in the crowd. I want to feel the energy, I want to dance. I want to scream your lyrics!
Ash: Alright then. You'll have to accompany me to the after-party though.
Me: I see no problem with that, as long as my brother can come with me.
Ash: There's a black door on the side of the building. Enter that way. The password with security is Superman. They'll let you through. I'll tell you where to sit.
Me: That's awesome, Ash! Thank you! I'll make sure to buy another tee and a hoodie to support you.
Ash: Or you can buy me a pint later. ☺️ See you in two hours.
-
It seems like the artists get a special section for their friends at each venue they go. Ash has given me two seats in that reserved section. It's fairly close to the stage. I made sure to buy myself a new tee with a hoodie. William also bought a tee. I have never been that excited for an event in my life. The crowd is full of people our age. The energy is buzzing and the band is supposed to come on stage in a couple of minutes. Knowing them, I have seen a bit of their routine before getting on stage. So, I know Caleb is finishing his beer. Ash is probably brushing his teeth. Mike is playing with his guitar to calm his anxiety. And Lucas is probably jumping up and down, stretching a bit.
I am on the edge of my seat, taking in the crowd, feeling lucky that I have enough space to dance. Fans are sitting a few seats away from us, but we're close enough to share the same energy.
The second I hear the first strike of a chord, I rush up and scream. My brother laughs at my enthusiasm and I punch him playfully. I give the band my attention as they walk on stage. The lights are fading in slowly to brighten the crowd and turn off suddenly. They flash and light the band as the song begins.
I have been listening to their album on repeat since the last time I saw them in concert. I know all the lyrics and I am not ashamed to scream them at the top of my lungs. I jump up and down to the songs and dance the night away.
At one of my favourite songs, I look at Ash like I have done for most of the show and I see him pointing at us with his drumstick, a large smile on his lips. He pours so much of himself in the drums, he is absolutely beautiful to see. To have seen him from up close so many times, I know he is sweating like crazy. It was a weird aphrodisiac for me everytime he came off stage. I always felt so drawn to him, but purely on a physical level. But so many times, Marcel was there to ruin the moment. I never got to enjoy a whole show. I'm happy I get to do it. I love music, and even more rock music. Their show has an amazing energy.
Now, it's the part of the show where they sing their sentimental songs. My heart tightens in my chest. I feel the need to cry when I see all the cellphone lights in the venue. I join in and decide to film a bit of it to send to my friends. I record a thirty seconds video of Lucas singing with the most beautiful voice the most heartfelt lyrics. I send it to Sophie, to Ronnie, to Simon and, finally, I send it to Marcel. I want him to know that I think of him when I hear these lyrics.
I focus back on the show as Lucas sits now at the piano. It's only him, the piano and the crowd. I shiver from head to toe and take in this moment, realising how lucky I am to know these guys. The band joins in with their instruments by the second verse. The energy changes and I shiver yet again. I really let the music guide my body and dance for the rest of the show. The boys leave regretfully to let the stage to Eddy.
After twenty minutes to change the stage, Eddy comes on with a different energy. His songs are very romantic and it makes me miss Marcel a lot. I would really like to enjoy this moment with him.
I take another video, but this time I only send it to Marcel, with a little caption saying "wish you were here with me...".
The show ends and Will and I go back to the hotel to get changed before the after party. Since I don't really know the dress code, I decide to wear my little black dress with heels. Will really doesn't bother with the dress code as much as me.
When I'm ready, I get a text from Ash to tell us where to. We take a taxi to the club. I get a bit frightened when I first get into the basement building. I've never been to that kind of place. This is far from a club. It has a very underground punk-rock vibe. The music is crashing the speakers, lights are flashing left and right and there are people everywhere. This isn't really my scene at all. I feel so thankful to have my brother with me.
It takes a few moments before I find Ash in a more secluded part of the "club". They have what seems like their little private area, but we are still amongst the crowd. Not only it took some time for me to get changed, but it also took a long time to get to the club and then to find him. I can clearly see how intoxicated he is the moment he sees me. Lucas is farther and doesn't seem to stop moving and talking. I have never seen him so acting so nervously, meaning he looks everywhere as he talks and he constantly moves being very gesticulative. I don't see Mike anywhere, but Caleb seems to have his hands full with two ladies by his side kissing him.
I look back at Ash, a beer in hand, his locks damp with sweat. It makes me wonder how long they've been here. Ash seems pissed already. He walks directly to me, but a glance to my brother makes him steady himself a bit for the last cognitive cells he still has left intact tonight.
"I'm so glad you could make it!" He greets us and immediately comes to hug me.
His body is sweaty and sticky, he smells a mix of pheromones and tequila that both attracts me and worries me. He's clearly had a lot to drink. He leans his head to mine and I hear him smell my hair as he moans.
"I've missed you." He whispers loudly to my ear, enough so that I can smell his drunken breath without having to try.
His comment makes me smile, but those are drunken words. It also makes me roll my eyes.
"I'm sure you've had other women to help you change your mind since we last saw each other. Caleb certainly likes his rise to stardom." I point him with a nod his way. My brother looks but I see him getting a bit awkward.
I'll admit it as well, it's really not my kind of place. If Ash wasn't hanging his arm around my neck and walking me around as he does, I would feel greatly out of place. Then, I suddenly realise what is playing and look my brother's way.
"Isn't that a remix of The Struts?" I let out with a smile, knowing how William loves this band.
"It is. Their new album is massive!" William smiles back at me, until I see it change into a playful smirk. "Would you care for a dance?"
William doesn't wait for me to answer, he tugs on my hand, leading me towards the crowd of people and away from Ash. Once he's found his spot, he lets go of my hand and starts jumping up and down nodding his head to the beat. I've never really seen him let go that much, it makes me laugh, but I ultimately mirror him. I embrace completely our weirdness to be a primadonna with him tonight. I find myself inhabiting Freddie Mercury the time of the song. I dance as if nobody is watching except my big brother. I'm so happy we get to bond like that.
"Who knew you had that in you!?" He shouts to me over the music with the most amused smirk on his face.
"I've changed a lot!" I lean in for him to hear me better and respond loudly.
"I can see that."
"Better get used to it."
"It suits you."
I don't respond to him, I only smile as wide as I can and continue jumping to the rhythm with the crowd. The song finishes too quickly, but William and I stay in the crowd to dance for a few more songs until Ash joins us.
"I was wondering where you'd been." He says as he leans very closely to my ear so that I can hear him. "I looked around and you were gone!"
He is reeking alcohol and can barely stand, he has to hold onto me to stay straight. I look back at William and give him a look. I don't know if I'm worried about him or disappointed or... I don't know! I have never seen Ash like that. Does he always drink so excessively? Or is it just circumstantial?
I reach for his drink and steal it from him.
"I think you have drunk enough tonight. Let me have your drink." I tell him and take a sip of the silver liquid which makes me grin of disgust. "Oh man! That's strong!"
"I'm so happy you're here..." He whispers to my ear, longing there too long.
From so close, I see him lick his lips. I find myself looking at them, but as soon as I find his eyes again, seeing how red and intoxicated they are. I part from him, but he sneaks his arm around my waist.
"Yeah, but don't be too happy." I tell him to warn him to not get his hopes up if he wants to get physical, because we won't.
Somehow he finds my comment hilarious, because he starts to laugh ridiculously, exactly like a child giggles. It's something that charms me a bit. I don't think I ever heard him laugh before.
"You're funny!" He leans in and continues laughing as he collapses on me, but covering it as a hug.
I look behind me at William. He worries, but I mouth him that it's OK. He leaves us to get himself a drink to give us some privacy with a hard look my way, warning me to not fuck up with Ash. William has seen me with Ash, but he is now well aware of Marcel. He was there when Mace confessed to everyone he was in love with me.
"I'm not, you're just drunk." I let out and try to straighten him in front of me. As soon as he has his face in front of mine, I run a hand through his locks to free his eyes of his hair falling down. "Now, I get to see you better."
He now half stands on his own, his eyes very present with me for the first time. He seems to gain composure. He doesn't break eye contact as I see him bite his lip. I look down to see his plump lip being captive between his teeth. He leans in, so I look up into his eyes. I get frightened for a second, maybe a little excited as well, but I ultimately turn my head to be sure he won't kiss me. And he doesn't. Thank God! He puts his lips to my ear.
"I still have your panties." He breathes in my ear, leaning his head against mine. "I can't get you out of my mind, Grace." He adds as if it was such a torture, it sucks a breath inside of me. He said that with such erotism that it reminds me how I used to desire him months ago.
"Ash..." I try to warn him, but I fall short. It takes a long moment for me to just say it. "We can't."
"I want you. Here. Tonight."
"Ash..."
"You look so pretty. I just... want to lift that dress and make you come. Mmhhh... yeah!" He says to me in a deep sex craved voice. It's raspy and sexy and deep. He takes a deep breath and continues. "I've thought about how I was going to have you next... I've settled on tasting you, all of you."
Although his confession is extremely erotic and it excites me – I won't deny it – I have to turn him down. I part from him and lift his chin to make him look at me. His eyes are glossy and his pupils are heavily dilated.
"The only thing you'll have from me tonight is a dance. OK?" I warn him and keep his eyes in mine until he nods. I then take his hand and pull him towards the crowd we were already in.
I thought I would be safe from his desire and charm if we were to only dance together, but in no time, he comes behind me. He has his hands on either side of my hips and slowly, I feel him starting to grind against me.
I won't lie to myself. I could have stopped him long ago from hitting on me, but I am so not used to the attention and to feel so desired that I ravel in this moment. It won't do any harm because I don't love him. He reminds me of a good time and a period of change in my life I am very grateful for.
A song ends and another begins as time fly, but with each new song, the closer Ash gets. I can fully feel his penis through his pants now as he slowly hide his head to the crook of my neck. What started so innocent, quickly derailed and became very steamy. It's when he starts biting the sensible skin of my neck that I decide to part and stop his flirting game.
I take his hand and lead him out of the crowd.
"I've been waiting all night for you to take me somewhere I could fuck you..." He lets out loudly, but thanks to the music, nobody hears him.
I stop walking and let go of his hand to face him. I'm not really in a cooperating mood now. He doesn't seem to understand!
"I'm not and you won't!"
"Why?"
"It's not that I don't feel the feelings you do, it's just that I don't feel ready for somebody new. You are touring Europe and maybe the world someday. You're from Australia, Ash. You know it was only meant to be fun between us." I only tell him to make him realise without saying that I am with Marcel and that it will only be him.
"But you're here now... We can have fun tonight." He insists and tries to take my hand, but I take it away.
"Why do you want me? Ash! You can have literally any woman you want here tonight." I let out a bit jealous and trying as much as I can to prove my point.
"I know.." He says and it makes me chuckle, but only because of his lack of humbleness right now. "But you remind me of Mum..."
"Mum!?" I repeat to him loudly, pointing out his Oedipus complex. He doesn't seem to realise what he's just said until a few seconds have passed.
"Home! I meant home!" He finally corrects himself, but I think his mistake might have been unconsciously what he truly meant. I remind him of his mum! It makes me laugh so much. Of course!
"Grace!" I hear William call out for me. I take Ash's hand in mine to make him follow me so that he doesn't just collapse in the middle of strangers like he did on me earlier. I meet my brother where we first saw Ash when we got in.
"What is it?!" I let out as I get to his side, Lucas holding a tissue to his nose.
"I found him by the bar, a bleeding nose, drinking shots non stop because he said that he felt thirsty." William looks at Lucas with a judgmental eye, making me wonder if I should understand something in what he's just said.
"Is he OK?"
"I'm doing fine, Grace! He's just psycho! He doesn't want to let go of my arm." Lucas responds with arrogance.
"He's on cocaine." He lets out again, as if I should have known or maybe he feels ashamed that I would hang out with them because of their drug use. William looks at Ash by my side and then down at me. "Him too."