I was grinning from ear to ear. No one knew what I had planned and I wanted it that way. I looked at myself in the mirror, straightening out my collared button down and I adjusted my blue slacks before pushing my blonde hair back behind my ear. Then I turned to the teal box on the sink counter and I was smiling even wider. I heard a small knock on the door before it slowly opened to reveal my little curly haired bundle of joy, Gabriel.
"What are you doing you monster?" I smiled coming closer as he crawled in the bathroom. Chris came running in as I picked him up with frustration written across his face.
"I swear I turned around and he was gone," he said before getting Gabe and looking at me more suspiciously, "You look rather well for someone just going to a graduation."
I quickly picked up the box before he could see it. He was balancing Gabe on his hip as he came closer still examining me as he said, "You smell expensive. Like Dolce and Gabbana."
"Maybe I just want to smell good," I state moving around him. Gabe was still laying on his shoulder, smiling without a reason why as we made it down the hallway to my room.
"I haven't seen you dress up since our graduation," he says letting my son down, "but you chose Marcus's to dress up?"
Chris has always been curious of my relationship with Marcus. He thinks that him and I are just meant to be with each other. Quite honestly...I think that too.
I smiled thinking about how long we have kept our relationship under wraps from everyone. It all started when Chris and Harry had come home for a short time during the summer and Chris wanted to keep Gabe so I could have some adult time. Also, in true Chris fashion, he told Marcus to come to check on me. That night, we finally had some alone time to talk. Then one thing lead to another and we made love.
We made A LOT of love.
It felt amazing to have him back in my arms. I didn't want it to end and I told him that I was ready to try again. I couldn't get over how bright he smiled. All 32 of his teeth were gleaming before he planted a hard kiss on me. We agreed to keep our relationship a secret to prevent everyone from getting into our business. The only living soul that knows we are together is Gabriel and he can barely even talk yet.
Since that night, everything has been blissful. Well, up until a few nights ago when he cried while we were talking in my car. He didn't want to tell me why but after that everything was back to normal. Well, as normal as a secret relationship can get.
It has been close to a year now and I couldn't see me loving nobody but him. I couldn't see myself loving anyone as deeply as I love him. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry but I don't want Chris to start asking more questions so I just smiled towards him.
Gabriel grabbed at my pants leg and I finally saw what Chris had put on him. He was wearing a nice gray vest with a blue-collar shirt underneath and blue jeans with his small feet in gray sneakers. I picked him up turning to Chris with my eyebrow raised. Even though he dressed my son extravagantly, he looked like he was going on a casual stroll with a black shirt and blue jeans.
"What?" He said with his blue eyes darting around him, "Is it something on me?"
"No," I said as Gabe grabbed on my shirt, "How could you dress him like this and you're dressed like that?"
He glared at me before he answered, "I threw something on because your child is uncooperative."
"Aren't most of your clothes in boxes though?" I asked him as I grabbed Gabe's diaper bag, "That would have been an easier excuse."
He rolled his eyes and stomped towards me before taking Gabe away with his diaper bag.
"I'll go put him in the car and you lock the house up," he commanded, "We need to hurry up to beat traffic and I don't want to hear Darrius's mouth if we come in late."
"Oh trust me, we aren't going to be late," I said as we left my room, "This day is too important for Marcus."
It's going to be a very important and life changing moment in his life.
Or should I say moments in his life.
**
The ceremony was great. Marcus had three different scholarship offers and they all paid for four years of school. I was so happy for him but I couldn't be overly excited because I didn't want to reveal our relationship. We had all gotten together to take him out but after a while it became just us. Caleb and Darrius had to go finish packing to move into their apartment and Chris had to finish moving his things out of his room to Harry's. Then Lawrence and Chris's mom went back home to put Gabe to bed.
We were alone and I didn't want to stay in a crowded restaurant. I had other plans for Marcus. We paid for our meals before I took his hand and walked out the restaurant. He took his cap and gown off before we left and put it in the backseat. It was a beautiful dark night to drive around in. The sky was clear and I played some soothing Jhené Aiko over the speakers. Marcus loved these rides we had. He said that his Aunt Ruby use to do these with him, Darrius, and Chris when they had nothing to do. She would also take them to the park at night to watch the stars sometimes. That's exactly where I was taking him.
Once we pulled up to the empty park, I turned off the car. He stepped out the car as I did and I could finally admire him like I wanted to. He looked heavenly with his wild curls blowing in the wind and his dark suit clinging to his body perfectly. I quickly walked over to him and put my arms around his small frame. His hazel eyes stared up at me before I placed my forehead against his. He placed his soft hands on my face and kissed me sweetly. I returned the kiss a little bit more passionately by moving our bodies closer.
"I'm so proud of you," I whispered against his lips, "And I love you so much."
He smiled and I knew it was now or never. We were under the stars and no one was around to be nosy. However, I was nervous. The box was burning a whole in my pocket but I was so afraid to reach for it. I just wanted to hold him forever but I wanted him to be mine forever too.
I pulled back, smiling. He looked curiously at me before saying, "I didn't say stop Mr. Campbell."
I snickered and took his hand in mine. I looked back into his beautiful eyes and said, "You know I think we shouldn't be a secret anymore."
His eyes became wide in alarm before I continued, "Just hear me out okay. I think it's going to be hard to keep our relationship a secret moving forward."
He nodded in understanding and said, "Yeah it is...especially considering what I'm about to tell you."
Now I didn't know that he also had a surprise for me planned. I smiled as he did because he looked excited and I loved seeing him like that. He was smiling so brightly and from the way his hand was sweating, he was nervous. I squeezed it to reassure to him that whatever it was, I was here to listen.
Then with an awkward grin he said, "I'm going to California."
My heart had shattered against the pavement. My smile had quickly transformed to a straight line and his face changed from a smile to a worried expression. I had let go of his hand trying not to lose my cool. I cleared my throat to say, "What?"
He feared saying it again but he did, "I'm going to California. For school. I accepted the UCLA offer."
Getting it clarified only made it worse. I didn't know how to feel for him. I wanted to be happy for him but I just couldn't. He only talked about UCLA once and he never led on to him wanting to go. Plus, he was going on about how where he received his education didn't matter as long he could improve his artwork.
I was confused and blindsided. I pulled back from him and he stood in his black suit worried. I rubbed my hand against my forehead and finally spoke, "So...you're gonna leave?"
"Evan I- "
"After everything...you're gonna leave," I almost shouted but it came out through clenched teeth. I didn't know which emotion would hit me first but I was surprised to see it was anger. I'm not going to lie and say I've never been upset with him but I've never been this mad at him. As he went silent, I knew I got my answer.
Tears of frustration and heartbreak begin to fall. My face was heated as I tried to hold my emotions in because I knew it would scare him.
But I was hurt.
And I was pissed.
"So, what you were just fucking playing with me this entire time Marcus!" I yelled and I could see him physically shake as he said, "No-no Evan!"
"Then what the fuck are we doing then Marcus," I spat out, "Because I would have never thought you would want to go to another state for school. Not after all we have said to each other and done for each other. You mentioned UCLA once and now you're going there?"
I paused to look at his face. He was crying now but I continued, "I'm really trying to be happy and understand but I can't! I fucking can't Marcus!"
"Evan, I know," he cried, "But I have to go."
"WHY?" I shouted, "Why do you have to go there? That is the part I'm not understanding!"
"EVAN!" He yelled to gain my attention, "Just have to okay!"
"Then what about us huh? Did you come up with an answer for that?" I yelled back and he glared. However, he didn't answer as tears ran down his face. Now, I was livid. I clenched and unclenched my fist as my own tears poured down my face. He was blurry now but my rage came through clear as I said, "There isn't going to be an us is there?"
I couldn't see if he was looking at me but I heard him say, "It's for the best."
As he said it, I could hear my heart strings being ripped from my chest and collapse to my stomach. I was trying to find the words but I said the first thing that popped into my head, "Do you even love me?"
"Yes, I love you," he said without hesitation coming up to take my face in his hands. He was crying from what I could tell as he went on, "I just have to do this."
"Could you please just tell me," I cried harder, "whatever it is, let me know."
I was hurting and the fact that he wouldn't tell me his reason was breaking me down. He didn't trust me and that hurt even worse. I wrapped myself around him as he shook his head to say, "Some things are better left not knowing."
What does that mean? I have laid all my cards on the table. I was all in and now, I could see he wasn't. All I could think about was the future I had envisioned for us slip away and he didn't even have the decency to even tell me why?
I gently removed his hands from my face and pushed him back slowly. I was ready and here he was tearing my heart into pieces. I placed my hand inside my pocket, feeling for my keys when the teal box fell out. We watched it fall and I quickly caught it but Marcus still saw it.
As I placed it back in, Marcus grabbed my hand and said, "Were you going to- "
"It doesn't matter now does it?" I cried, "You made your decision already and I just have to live with it, right?"
"Evan please."
"Let's just go. I can't even be around you right now."
With that I walked to my side of the car. It was taking everything in me not to break down. He got in a little after and I literally couldn't look at him as I started the engine. I practically flew out of that parking lot and into the street. I had to wipe my face at every stop sign and light to see.
I decided to give him one last attempt as we stopped in front of his house. I still didn't want to look at him as I grabbed his hand, pulling it up to my lip to kiss it. I held my lips there with my eyes closed and tears streaming down my face. I was about to do something I have never thought I would do.
"Please...don't go," I cried against his hand. I was begging him to stay. I was so mad but at the same time I was still so in love with him. I couldn't just let him leave me. Not after what we have gone through to be together. I had to do whatever it took to make him stay.
I was shaking and I didn't want to open my eyes. My face was completely wet and my brain banged against my skull fiercely. I opened my eyes when I felt his hand on my face. He was crying too and I could tell he didn't want to do this. I persisted, "I'll be better. I swear."
He cried harder and I wiped his face. He kissed my hand before he said, "I love you and Gabe so much. But I have to go and me out of your life would be for the best."
"No, no, no," I sobbed, "You out of my life would be terrible. Please jus-just stay."
I turned my face again and even though I couldn't see it, he pulled away. His shaking hand slowly slipped away from my grip and I had closed my eyes again. He removed his other from my face and the next thing I knew, the car door had closed as he left me.
I was obliterated on the inside. However, I couldn't get myself to cry more. I didn't turn to watch him go in as I drove off. My body was on auto-pilot. If someone were to hit me, I wouldn't have cared at that point. I was in shock but that numbness of pain, quickly turned as I pulled up to Chris's driveway. Once I shut off my engine, I finally had cracked.
I screamed in rage and I cried until my face was on fire. The vein in my head was throbbing as I hit on every single surface in the car. I wanted to break something. Anything, to make me stop hurting like this. I even stopped and stared blankly for what felt like an hour. I cried against the steering wheel and then pushed my seat back enough so I could lay down to cry. My chest was pounding and my heart was twisting so much I thought I would die. I have given my all to this person. I've shared my deepest secrets with him. My son loved him to the point he called him dada. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. We were fine and everything was great. We may have started rocky before but we were trying this time.
I kept thinking about what could have possibly happened over and over again. I still came to the same conclusion.
He wanted something different and I wasn't a part of it.
Every time I would come back to that, I'd cry even harder. I just couldn't believe it. The one person that was destined for me, doesn't want me and I had to live with it.
What do I do now?