The moment your eyes locked, you were thrown off. It felt like pure electricity was rushing through your veins. His steely gray eyes were intense and you knew that it wasn't gravity that kept you grounded. You didn't exactly know what you had just signed up for, but you were in. All in.
Right after Hogwarts, Dumbledore had recruited you and here you were. Your ex-professor, Remus as he had told you to call him, had brought you to a strange place along with your ex-headmaster. He had too insisted on calling him Albus. It felt strange. One moment you were a student and the other... well, what were you exactly?
You had been told everything you needed to know. You knew Harry and you were very well aware that he was a trouble-magnet. You realized that the trouble that lay ahead was greater than anything you had faced. Voldemort was on the rise. And he had chosen his target. He wanted Harry dead. Throughout the years, you had bonded with the boy and you considered him family- the little brother you always wanted- and the feeling was mutual.
When Dumbledore had asked to see you in his office the very last day of your last year, the first person you had seen sitting there was Harry. And then you noticed Remus and someone else. Someone you could easily identify as an Azkaban escapee. You didn't react immediately when you learned what really happened but when you did... oh boy, even Dumbledore was staring a bit taken aback and...well, rather amused. You had scowled Harry for his reckless behavior, even after he repeatedly assured you that he was alright and you pulled him into a bone-crushing hug.
After that, you had been informed about the Order and you had been asked whether you would like to join or not. Protecting Harry was your mission since your own parents never protected you.
That was the first time you saw him. You had merely glanced at him since you were too overwhelmed by everything that had happened but that was more than enough to give your heart a strange squeeze.
A few days after the end of the year you had been brought to the Order's Headquarters. An old and dark house, really. You had one job. Well, two. You were there to keep its resident company-yes, you were babysitting- and at some point, you would be a double agent. That scared you more than anything. But for now, you were stuck here. Not that you minded that much since oh, well...
There was a meeting and you should be listening but you didn't seem able to focus. You caught few words... Harry, Voldemort, mission, agent, your name was mention too. Ever so often, your eyes would wander towards him. It was something about his... aura. You couldn't exactly pinpoint it but it was there.
Or maybe it was something about his eyes. They were brutally honest but soft at the same time. You knew what he had been through. You couldn't possibly imagine what must have felt like... Twelve years locked away and treated like a criminal when he was completely innocent? No. You had absolutely no idea.
The only thing you knew was your poor excuse of a family. You were a pureblood. And you weren't a Slytherin, unlike your parents' wishes. You were friends with Charlie and the Weasley twins and your best friend was a muggle-born. Something that made your parents disgusted. You never shared their pureblood-mania. Once you were able to think for yourself, you knew that they were the real monsters. Death Eaters and too proud about that very fact. You ran away when you were fourteen. Your best friend's parents took you in and loved you as their own. But your parents never really left you alone, even after they disowned you. You knew that they and his minions and were spreading death. Behind every attack, you always pictured them. They were hunting your dream turning them into nightmares leaving you restless. Even if you had felt the crutiatus curse too many times, you could understand that Azkaban was way worse. And for that, he had earned your respect since the moment you learned the truth.
You caught him looking at you and even when you looked back he didn't remove his gaze. On the contrary, he sent a small smile.
Wonderful. This would be interesting.
It had been quite a while since you first settled in. You had fallen into a pleasant routine and you had made a silent deal with Sirius. You didn't bother him and he kind of ignored you. It felt awful and you felt useless but it was his wish. It wasn't that he was ignoring just you. He was ignoring pretty much everybody. Even his best friend and his cousin.
You had met Nymphadora Tonks a few weeks ago. She was very clumsy but she was fun and kind and well, the only other female you had the pleasure to talk to.
When she had told you about her relationship with Remus, she afterwards informed you that she expected you to give her a strange look and maybe even judge her, while the only thing you did was smile brightly and support her wholeheartedly. How could you judge her? It wasn't like you were pretty much crushing on the owner of the house, now, was it?
It was very late or very early; it depends on how you looked at it. You couldn't sleep, again. You had always suffered from insomnia but lately, it had gotten worse. You wouldn't sleep for days and you would be exhausted all day long.
You had found yourself outside the house-well, on top of it. You were on the roof, sitting there, trying not to fall to your death. The sky was breathtaking; you could see the stars, the constellations, and the stardust. You could see an entire world out there. "What are you looking at?" a soft voice asked you from...well, right beside you. You almost jumped in surprise but immediately got your butt down again, remembering the fact that you were on a roof. You didn't dare to look at him. Instead, you kept your eyes on the sky.
"The stars" you whispered gently and went silent. He wasn't looking at the sky and you could feel the weight of his gaze. Somehow you managed to hide the growing blush.
He was an attractive man, there was no use denying that. His face held beauty but not the kind of beauty that could be easily handled. He seemed like art and art isn't supposed to be just beautiful. And exactly like art, he made you feel. Because that's the true purpose of it; to move you in some way.
Tonks had told you about his reputation when he was attending Hogwarts. You would have stayed away from someone like that. However, the man sitting next to you wasn't like the boy she had described. He had changed. He was shaped by very difficult circumstances but he was someone else. Someone who caught not only your eye.
"Why the stars?" he asked at you, genuinely intrigued by your demeanor. You were fascinating to him, even though you had no idea and he wasn't about to let you know.
"Why the stars?" you repeated his question and finally looked at him. You smiled warmly and dreamily. He was confused yet, amused.
"They look down at us, people on earth and watch us. They see everything, they are above all of us, living and dead, they know everything. Yet they are at a safe distance. I envy that" you admitted. Your smile had dropped but your eyes never left his. His enchanting gray eyes. He was slightly taken aback. You were honest and kind when he had pushed you away. He felt guilty. You sent him a shy smile and looked back up.
He was still looking at you; he was lost somewhere between your eyes and your lips.
"You are a pureblood, aren't you?" he asked you a bit later. You furrowed your eyebrows. What did it matter?
"I don't think of it as a privilege" you passionately told him, your eyes meeting his again. This time your gaze wasn't soft; it burnt with a kind of fire that he hadn't witnessed you possessed. He was low-key proud of your answer. It showed a fierce part of you and he found himself taking an instant liking to it. He smirked.
Oh, so that was the infamous smirk of Sirius Black. You had to admit that it was infamous for a very good reason. It was irresistible.
"I can see that" he informed you as he let his eye roam your body. You noticed that his tone was rather light. You arched an eyebrow in question. You knew that you can look quite intimidating if you wanted to.
"What happened?" he asked you, his voice small. His face told you that he had been through the same family drama. You just shrugged and returned your gaze to the beautiful sky.
"I ran away and got myself disowned. Nothing out of the ordinary" you said casually but he could read between the lines. You were hurt. Well, who wouldn't be?
He became quiet. Even though you thought that the sky was breathtaking, he didn't. He found something else mesmerizing; or rather, someone else.
"Harry has told me a lot about you" he spoke gently. You blinked a few times to get your mind back to earth. You smiled at him and shook your head.
"That boy is a trouble magnet" you chuckled and he laughed along. He had a wonderful, rich and melodic laugh. He should laugh more often. It suited him. His eyes shone a bit more brightly, his whole face lit up.
"He thinks of you as family" he told you sincerely. Your smile only grew bigger.
"It's mutual, really" you shyly admitted and tried to avert your eyes. No luck there.
His face became stoic for a second. Like he was fighting a battle inside his mind.
"I'm sorry for being an ass and ignoring you" he apologized. His eyes were, again, brutally honest and his voice steady. You felt the remorse vibrating through his aura. You just shook your head and smiled.
You didn't know this yet, but your little crush wasn't so little anymore. Something about him made you feel... different.
It was Christmas Eve. Months had passed since that night on the roof. You had talked many times after that. Mostly late at night. You talked about everything and nothing. Sometimes you didn't even talk. You just sat there, in front of the fire place or under the stars or in the kitchen as you made two cups of tea, in silence. And that was okay because sometimes all you needed was just that.
You had grown fond of him. You had learned many things about him and his past. He had asked you all the questions you expected him to ask you but he had asked you others as well, like your favorite color and flower. If you liked gold or silver, in which he expected you to say gold, but in all honesty, you hated the yellow color of gold. So, when you had answered silver he was pleasantly surprised.
Things like that. Small gestures like that time you felt awful and he brought you hot cocoa, thinking back to the times his friends used to do the same for him. Or when you never seemed to mind him waking you in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep. It felt almost natural after a while.
It would be the first Christmas you spent away from Hogwarts and you felt homesick for a place that you could never attend again. Unfortunately, you couldn't study there twice.
You had been tossing and turning on your bed for more than two hours until you decided to give up. You put on a warm and huge off shoulder jumper and a pair of black leggings and made your way to the kitchen, as soundlessly as possible. You didn't want to wake up Sirius or Remus and Tonks who had come last night and intended to stay for a couple of days. You really didn't want to wake up Walburga or Kreacher either.
Molly was visiting with Arthur and their two sons, Bill and Charlie. It would be the first time that this house would resemble a home. And you had an idea. Since you couldn't go back to Hogwarts, why not bring Hogwarts here?
You had already started. You had collected all the ingredients you needed for the recipes and you were ready to get down and dirty with the flour when you heard a low cough like someone was trying to make their presence known. You glanced up and your eyes met his. He had a smile plastered on his face. You blushed but smiled, apologizing for the mess you had made. You returned to your previous job and tried to focus on the recipe but you could feel his gaze and it made you a bit clumsy.
"What on earth are you doing? It's two in the morning" he told you but he wasn't reprimanding you.
"I couldn't sleep" you answered as you proceeded reading the directions. He laughed.
"So you decided to bake?" he mocked you playfully. You let down the book and looked him in the eyes, with your hands on your waist.
"What are you doing up?" you questioned him back and smirked when his cheeks went slightly pink.
"I couldn't sleep" he murmured. You rolled your eyes and smiled.
"Well, why don't you help me then?" you simply asked him. It wasn't that you couldn't do it by yourself. You liked his company and- yeah, fine. You liked him.
He didn't even think before answering a big and excited yes. It was your turn to laugh as he came closer and stood next to you, ready to do anything you asked him to.
He had his hair in a man-bun and Merlin, he was sexy. He was wearing a simple black shirt and pair of jeans. Simple yet sexy.
You gave him the book and prompted him to read the directions out loud.
"Sift flour, baking powder, and salt together and then set aside. In a large bowl, cream together the margarine and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in the vanilla. Gradually blend in the sifted ingredients until fully absorbed. Cover dough, and chill for 2 hours" he read. You did as you were told but it wasn't easy doing all those things at once. You wouldn't ask him to help you. So, when you saw him looking at you, pouting, you were befuddled.
"What is it?" you asked quietly as he let down the book and grabbed the butter and the sugar and put them into a bowl. You didn't see that one coming.
"Alright, alright. You can bake, I got it" you playfully put your hands up in the air in surrender.
You worked for a bit in a comfortable silence. It felt nice. Really nice. And somehow, he seemed to enjoy himself. He never believed that baking soft cookies with a nineteen-year-old girl would make him feel alive and... happy.
Once the recipe was done and you had let the dough to chill, you sat down and struggled to think what could you possibly cook. You knew that Molly was an excellent cooker and that she would bring a lot of food along but you wanted to... do something and impress him. Yes, you wanted to impress him. Yes, you had a huge crush on him. Yes, he was twice your age. Yes, he had a bad reputation. You were aware of that. Of all that. But you still wanted him. He wasn't the man people thought he was. He was kind and caring and loving and-stop it.
He sat next to you, studying you closely. The way your eyes seemed to wander, your red cheeks and your pink and full lips. He took every little line and shape in, engraving your face to his mind.
"I used to love Hogwarts' pumpkin pie" he softly told you. You smiled widely at the statement. You loved it too.
You two started again. He was helping you and you were helping him in ways you couldn't imagine.
After three hours, you were exhausted and so was he. You cleaned up everything and made sure that the desserts and the drinks were properly baked. Your eyelids were heavy. You hadn't just cooked. You had talked the night away, laughed your problems away and sort of bonded. You liked that.
You were sitting on the couch of the only cozy and clean living room, by the fireplace. It was the smallest living room and that's why you enjoyed spending time here.
You hadn't even realized it but your head was on his shoulder, his one arm wrapped around your waist while his other hand was resting on your knee as he pulled you closer. You were both too tired to care about pretext. His scent was intoxicating you. Smoke and sandalwood mixed with cinnamon and pine... and something else you couldn't pinpoint.
Your hands rested over his and slowly you fell asleep.
He wanted to stay awake, looking at you forever. He really thought you were some kind of an angel. He didn't know what was it that made him deserve it but he was glad. At first, it was very difficult for him to accept that he could feel something like that after all that time he had spent in Azkaban, especially for someone so much younger. He soon figured out that you weren't exactly your age. You were acting and thinking so very differently than him when he was in your age. He was losing his mind and that was why he decided to ignore you.
After that night, the starry night as he liked to call it, he found himself talking to Remus and trying to understand his feelings. If Remus and Tonks could make it, why not you two?
He had no idea if you could ever see him like that. Probably not. He was too old and too damaged for you. You would be so much better with someone your age, Charlie maybe. But he couldn't help it. He was jealous of the mere idea of someone else near you. He hadn't felt like he was allowed to have a life after what had happened, but here you were, baking in the middle of the night, making him realize that he wanted that life. And it was the first time that his house felt like home because it wasn't the house- it was you.
He was staring at you, curled up, your head on his shoulder and his hand on your delicate waist. He wanted more. And, unknown to him, you did too.
You didn't exactly know when things changed. When simple gestures began to mean so much more; when accidental touches made you shiver; when he would hold on to you a bit tighter; when you became his first thought in the morning and his last before he fell asleep; when you started spending every awake second together or sometimes, even the sleeping ones. Maybe that was the turning point. The night you two spent together, curled up on your bed because neither of you could sleep. The morning found you entangled with each other- your face was buried to his chest, his hands were wrapped around you. Whenever and whatever it was, you were grateful. You had realized that you weren't just crushing on him when Dumbledore asked you if you would prefer to stay there and drop the whole 'double agent' thing. You hadn't agreed to anything so fast in your life. Because, the truth was, you were kind of in love with him. Yes, you were aware of the 'problems' and the huge possibility that he wouldn't be interested in you. Still, you could never change what the heart wants. When the heart demands, the mind succumbs.
That was two months ago.
And here you were now, staring at the ceiling of your room without actually seeing. The only light that was illuminating your room was the faint moonlight. You felt like you would implode. You needed to stop thinking about him every second of every day- and night.
You had tried many times to make a list of all the things you didn't like about him and why someone else would be a better choice. And it was always the same. He had plenty of things you didn't particularly like while the other guy-whomever- had only one. He wasn't Sirius.
You had it bad. You couldn't stop thinking about him. The way his eyes wandered whenever he was thinking- what would you pay to hear his thoughts. The way they twinkled with mischief or happiness, the way they would flicker with pain or sadness. The way his lips would form that genuine smile you loved. You loved his smile, Merlin, you...loved him. And it took you almost a year to figure it out. You had been captivated by him since day one, but this, this was different. You weren't just captivated. You were entirely his. And he didn't even know.
You heard the door open. You knew who was it. Who else would come to your room in the middle of the night? Even with Remus and Dora in the house, he was the only one to annoy you whenever he wanted. Not that you minded...well, right now you did. You felt yourself wanting to tell him everything. And you knew that once you opened your mouth, there was no turning back.
"Are you awake?" he softly asked you. His voice was husky and it sent shivers down your spine. If his voice made you feel like that... Who knew how he would make you feel?
"Yeah" you whispered, your voice thick from sleep-or the lack of it. He closed the door behind him and laid next to you. You were both facing the ceiling. Your breath became heavy. You felt his body radiating heat, you could hear his heart beating, you could hear your heart beating. You slowly turned, so you were on your side, facing him. Your mind was screaming at you to stop whatever you were about to do. Your heart was skipping beats and your pulse had accelerated way too fast.
He felt your breath falling hot on his neck, making him quiver. He felt your body next to his. Why were you so young? Why couldn't you be a bit older? He knew that it was probably a stupid idea and he would most likely regret it because you would avoid him for the rest of the time you would live there but he couldn't stop himself. He turned and he came face to face with you. Your breath hitched.
What on earth were you doing? How would you look at him after tonight?
"What are you looking at?" you asked him warmly, your voice low. He smiled gently and his fingers played with a loose strand of your hair way too close to your face. You froze and at the same time, melted.
"The stars" he answered in the same tone. You had to close your eyes for a second in order to contain yourself. When you opened them again, his gray eyes were staring at you. There was a different feeling about that gaze. It wasn't soft-no, it was intense and... what was that?
"The stars?" you repeated like an idiot. He wasn't looking at the stars, he was looking at-Oh. Your eyes widened for about a second and your breath became erratic. His hand left your hair and cupped your face. Okay, okay, don't pass out. Don't pass out, you kept repeating inside your head.
Fuck it.
You grabbed the collar of his shirt, pulled his closer and crashed your lips together. Fireworks? Oh, no. Not fireworks. An atomic bomb? Yes, that would be more accurate. He wrapped his arms around you, bringing you as close as humanly possible. Your hands were on his neck, getting lost in his hair.
His lips were soft and gentle but hungry and eager. He didn't need to ask for permission for you to open your mouth, letting him in. His kiss tasted like sin and honey. Merlin, he was intoxicating. You felt dizzy when his tongue fought yours for dominance. You gladly surrendered.
His hands roamed your nearly naked body and they burnt your skin. You pulled away reluctantly. You sort of needed air. You opened your eyes, only to find his already fixed on you.
"I know this is the most selfish thing I've ever done because you deserve someone better, younger and whole but I can't-"
Your lips cut him off. You didn't want someone better, younger and whole. You wanted him. You wanted everything he was. You didn't love him because he was perfect, you actually loved his imperfections.They were your delight. You loved his rough edges and you decided to show him how he made you feel. You had all night to prove to him, who was the person that you wanted.