My son.
My firstborn.
Dead.
My precious (Y/N) wounded in flesh and soul, lulling a dead body of what was supposed to be our major happiness.
My life was being destroyed in front of my eyes because of their lust for blood. Their damn war! Their cursed fight that I couldn't handle anymore!
"Hvitserk, calm down, brother"
Those blue eyes that made me safe for so long now were just igniting the fury inside my soul causing my voice to sound loud and clear when I pushed Ubbe out of the tent with all my strength, throwing him on the ground, near Ivar's feet.
"I SAID OUT!"
My throat was burning. Was it what Ivar felt every time he yelled with Sigurd? It wasn't time for questions... I was so tired... My brothers were looking at me with the same surprised expression on their faces, but I wouldn't stop this time. I wouldn't be silent anymore.
My silence cost my son's life. My wife's soul.
"I'm tired of your damn childish behavior! I'm tired of you! Both of you! That's enough for me and don't you dare to open your fucking mouth, Ubbe!" I yelled, pointing my finger towards his face before he could use the breath he took to speak. "I'm sick of your damn speeches! I'm not your damn little brother! I'm not a fucking child anymore! Neither of us is, but you two insist in acting as if we were! You, trying to control everything around you, to bring back a damn past that is already gone! Fuck, Ubbe! Grow the damn up! Your childhood is over! It will never come back! And you..." My eyes turned to Ivar "You crippled piece of shit! I don't fucking care about your damn feelings because every-fucking-body did it for your entire damned life and guess what, Ivar, it didn't change shit about your arrogance! You're just a damn spoiled boy trying to put the world on your feet as our mother were for your entire life! You're not trying to avenge her! You're just trying to tell everyone that nobody can touch what you say it's yours! And I'm fucking tired of your shitty behavior!"
"What?" Ivar said, too shocked to be angry with my words.
"You're not thinking straight, Hvitserk" Ubbe tried, but I just yelled even louder to shut his mouth.
"I SAID YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! I don't wanna hear you, Ubbe! I don't want your damn advice! I don't want your pity, your feelings! I AM thinking straight for the first damn time of my life and wanna know what?" I pulled my sword and Ivar took a step back when I pointed it at him "You two wanna fight, right? So let's do it!"
Ubbe got up faster than I thought he could, putting himself protectively between Ivar and my sword. His hands up, unarmed.
"Hvitserk, stop it..."
"Ah! Look who still sees the crippled bastard as a fucking brother! If you can fucking put yourself in front of a damn sword to protect him so you care about him Ubbe! And you? Uh? Gave up the shitty farms you wanted in the middle of nowhere to fucking fight alongside a murderer for what? Shouldn't you be planting fucking potatoes? What are you fucking doing here Ubbe?"
"Ivar is threatening innocent people and..." he started.
But I wasn't patient...
"BULSHIT!" I yelled again, taking a step ahead, seeing him walking back, protecting Ivar who raised his crutch against my sword, hitting it toward the ground. "Found your balls, little brother?" I asked, ironically, causing him to grunt against me.
"You don't really want to fight any of us, Hvitserk!" Ivar said, "You are just destroyed by pain and acting without thinking!"
I giggled, raising my sword again, pointing his neck with the sharp tip.
"I'm not fucking kidding here, Ivar. I'm tired of you all fighting each other and don't you think Björn and that bitch mother of him will escape me 'cause as soon as I finish here, I'll take a horse to Kattegat. But first, you two. If you want to destroy this fucking family, so let's put an end on it right here! You'll stop this damn battle or I'll fucking challenge you, both of you, to a damn combat and then, the better Ragnar's son can conquer his right to live over the dead body of the other two! You started this shit, Ivar. So the decision is yours!"
Ivar's body changed into tension and he looked from me to a surprised Ubbe.
"Are you serious, Hvitserk? Will you fight me?" Ubbe said, trying to convince me with those damn eyes once again, taking another step back when my sword turned to his neck instead of Ivar's.
"You'll be the first." I said, firmly "If I have to lose my family so it will be done in a single shot! On a single day! I'm tired of losing everyone bit by bit! My son died today, Ubbe! We came here to bring peace, to negotiate with you and Ivar a damn conciliation and now my son is dead! So take a damn decision Ivar, or I'll decide for you! Will you stop this shit and retreat with your damn men or will we fight to death right here and right now to solve this dispute? Now, Ivar!"
He was pressed. I could say he was afraid by the way he was looking at us. The tension between us was growing as a fourth person when Ivar let go of his crutch and yelled back an answer to my question...
"Okay! It's over. I'll take my men back to the camp. Now pull this sword down! Fuck!"
But I kept my blade up with my eyes on Ubbe's.
"You will stop this shit and apologize for not to give Ivar the right value he had!"
Ubbe looked at me without real surprise in his face. He just rose his hand, pushing my blade down and sighing.
"You're right," he started "We are brothers... And I should have trusted you instead of fear your abilities and try to stop you by negotiating peace with the Saxons... It was..." he sighed again, defeated "It was a mistake and I'm sorry, Ivar."
"I still can't understand why you are fighting for Lagertha. Is this all for proving me wrong, Ubbe?" Ivar said, hurt.
"No," Ubbe answered, raising his eyes on Ivar's again. "I was really trying to make you stop because of the people of Kattegat, Ivar. They aren't guilty of our mother's murder and many of them died trying to protect her. I'm playing her game in order to preserve the most of Kattegat I could and trying to make you see what you're doing wrong."
"I don't want any of them. Neither Björn is important to me! I just want Lagertha to take her ass out of my mother's chair!" Ivar yelled and I whistled, calling the attention of them both.
"I will leave now. I'm going to Kattegat to solve it, Ivar. Put a fucking thing in your mind: She was our father true love. Our mother gave him the children that were promised to him by the gods, but his true love was Lagertha and Björn will never allow you to kill his mother. But sooner or later she will die, Ivar. Mother wouldn't want us to fight each other for her! If Lagertha dies old seated in a damn throne away from Kattegat so it will be enough for me since I won't have to find her in Valhalla once again! Now, while you're here with that damn Saxon priest pretending to have a damn best friend and fighting your brothers, the Saxons are probably trying to recover our claim in York and your men are fighting without their leader to make them stronger! For fuck's sake, kill that priest and go back to England for doing something really useful of your time! Kick the damn Saxons' asses and honor our mother's memory by showing everyone that she was right and you worth her efforts on carrying you every-fucking-where instead of killing this crippled ass of yours!"
I put my sword back on the sheath, looking at them both.
"You two wait for me here. (Y/N) might need help. Do something useful and..." My eyes went to the ground "Provide what's necessary for my son's funeral".
I shouldn't be thinking about it... I should be waiting for (Y/N) to deliver at the right time. I should be holding my son in my arms... Not seeing her in blood and pain, lulling our child that way. But I would finish this shit for her. I would create a place where she could live without fear and bear our children without that terrible end.
"I'm sorry, Hvitserk" I heard Ivar's voice, low. His eyes looking at me "She will never forgive me, will she?"
"She's not even blaming you, Ivar. She's probably blaming herself as much as I blame myself for coming with her."
"We'll take care of her for you, brother. But what will you do at Kattegat?" Ubbe asked and I looked at him with firm eyes.
"I trusted you my entire life. I followed your decisions and steps blindly. Now it is your time to do the same".
—
"He said he is here to talk with..."
"Lagertha!" I got into the Hall without waiting for the thrall that received me to introduce me. Without even calling that usurper "queen" or anything like that. I just pushed the thrall aside, standing in front of her, seeing Björn getting up of his chair, raising my hand for him to sit back. "I didn't come for you, brother, and I suggest you not to stand on my way because I'm not Ivar, I'm not here to kill anyone, but I will if you try to stop me".
"How is she?" Lagertha asked, but I just ignored the worried tone in her voice. It was just making me even angrier.
"I've heard you didn't want to kill anyone who was blood-related to my father, is that true?" I asked, looking straight into her eyes.
"Yes, Hvitserk. I don't want to hurt Ragnar's offspring... You're not..." she started and I cut her before she was able to finish.
"You already did. Because of your damn war with my brother, because of your actions against my mother and the way you put my brothers against each other, my wife had our child killed inside her womb for an archer of yours" I said with no mercy of her surprised and teary eyes.
"It wasn't my..."
"Spare me from your excuses. I'm not here for your feelings. I'm here to solve this once and for all. Lagertha, who once was my father's wife, mother of my first brother and my father's first born; I challenge you to a single combat until death for the life of my son you stole from me and for the crown of Kattegat you stole from my mother." Björn got up again but I ignored him and kept speaking with my eyes deeply into hers "You don't have with me the same excuses you had with Ivar. I'm not a crippled, I'm not in any disadvantage against you and also I'm a skilled warrior with good reasons for this challenge, so it gives you two choices: you will fight me and stop hiding behind the people of Kattegat to protect yourself from your crimes, or you'll give me the crown that belongs to my lineage, take your things and your firstborn son who has already rejected the crown of Kattegat and go away. Hedeby is yours. Take the damn lands and never EVER put your feet in my homeland once again or I'll allow my younger brother to blood eagle you as he wants to do. Make your choice, queen" I said, almost mocking the title she was pretending to have.
Björn started to say she didn't have to do it, but it was her time to raise her hand and I could see something was broken into her eyes.
"I will never be able to compensate you for what I took from you and your wife. A son's life has no price. Take it." She said, giving me the crown she was wearing "I gladly refuse the throne of Kattegat in your favor and I accept your terms, Hvitserk Lothbrook"
"Mother!" Björn insisted but once again, she raised her hand to shut him up.
"Your mother stole everything from me. But she never touched the life of my children. I went too far and that's enough. I will not carry any more of Ragnar's blood in my hands."
"A wise decision. You have forty-eight hours to leave the town and you can take with you the shield maidens and warriors that are loyal to your command and don't want to stay."
She nodded, touching Björn's chest when he threatened to take a step forward or say anything against our deal.
"You'll give up this way?"
"I told you, Björn." She said "I don't want your father's blood in my hands. There was already too much of Ragnar's blood spilled and an innocent died without even have the chance to know this world. I owe his son this. My debt is paid. Now pack your things and let's go."
"Warn the people about your decision, queen... It is time for you to go. And you, brother... Consider it as a gift for the chance you gave me in your boats."
"A gift? You should be fighting alongside me!" he yelled and I looked at him, my eyes dark.
"I wasn't even fighting, Björn. I lost my firstborn son in your war. That's enough. You don't want this crown. You want your mother, so take her ass out of here and never come back or I'll have to fulfill my promises and kill both of you! You know I might be younger than you, but I'm a man of word. And If I have to run over you, I will."
"You talk too much for someone who can barely fight by yourself!"
"Björn! That's enough!" Lagertha interfered before I could answer "You can't understand what he is feeling now, but I can! I had my own dead children in my hands! I waited for cries I could never listen and held babies I could never lull! I had sons and daughters I could never see growing up and you don't know what it feels like to lose a child! So shut your mouth, my son! You don't want the gods to hear your words and give you a taste of his pain. There was already pain enough and too much blood spilled. I never wanted this to happen. I wanted my world back, but it is time for me to understand my world has gone with your father and this crown no longer belongs to me. Hvitserk paid a price for this peace and the deal we are making now isn't worthy of the value he lost. He must be younger and you must have taught him a lot about battles, but today it is you who must learn, my son." She said, holding Björn with her hands in his chest before looking at me once again "Go. And tell Ivar Kattegat will be his tomorrow at the dawn."
"No." I sentenced, causing Björn to raise his eyes at me once again "Ivar is not the legit heir of Kattegat's crown so as you are not the rightful queen of this place. Since Björn refused the crown in goodwill, it belongs to Ubbe and it is also time for my brother to stop being a child and take responsibility for his obligations as the older son of Ragnar after Björn. If he refuses, this crown will come to my hands and only then, to Ivar's. I'm tired of wrong things. It is time to make it right."
She nodded and Björn didn't answer this time. I just sighed, leaving the place where I used to play with my brothers, seeing the square we used to run around, the streets where we used to pull Ivar's car... The crown in my hand becoming heavier and heavier with each memory my mind was dragging from the places I was crossing in my way back to the camp.
My heart, as well, heavier and heavier with sadness whispering bitter words in my ears...
My son would never see that hall...
My child would never run around that square or through those streets. Or fish on that lake, or swim, or play with Floki's wooden boats I still had in my old room for him...
I would never take him to hunt with me or teach him how to fight with a wooden sword. He would never feel the sweet caresses of his mother's hands or smell the scent of her hair...
He would never ask me for help with the girls or come home with a companion for us to know.
My son would never get married. Or have his own children in his arms.
Instead of it, my steps took me back to the camp to see the carpenters carving a small boat in the wood of a good smelling tree.
With acid tears covering my face I got back into my brothers' tent. Ubbe and Ivar were talking as if they weren't fighting each other some hours ago... A bitter peace, with a terrible taste to my tongue.
"Brother..." Ubbe said, but all I did was place the crown of our mother in his hands.
"Tell the smiths to make you a crown, since this shit belongs to Margrethe's head."
"I don't..." he started, but I didn't let him continue.
"To hell with what you want! You said you were trying to protect people of Kattegat from Ivar's wrath over your own will to be in peace with your brother or avenge our mother's murder. So you have what is needed for a king and this is your obligation and your legacy, Ubbe, no one else's. Now be a man for the first time in your damn life, tell the blacksmith to make you a damn crown and take our father's place as King of Kattegat because that is your place!"
He sighed.
"You said you wanted to settle down. Here is your chance." I finished turning myself to Ivar "And you... Give the orders and prepare your men to leave."
"Hvitserk..."
"Give the damn orders!" I almost yelled, surprising and shutting him once again "You fought since our father's death for the right and the position you have now. You're the leader of the Great Army as you wished to be. You're the fucking great Ivar the Boneless, famous as our father once was. But you told me you would be more than him so take your ass back into that boat and go be greater than Ragnar as you said you could! There are men outside waiting for the glory you promised them. Now carve your name as their leader on the halls of history and conquer your place in Valhalla, Ivar, or Sigurd will laugh at your face from our father's table until the Ragnarok!"
"I would never give him this pleasure!" He snarled to me, annoyed.
"So go there and prove him wrong. You have your safe base now. Go."
"She is still alive, Hvitserk" he grunted and I looked into his eyes again.
"She is. And you will let Lagertha live. Period."
"She killed our..."
"Fuck off! Enough with it!" I yelled this time, almost growling the words "She killed our mother, but she will live and her price for what she did is the guilt for killing my son!"
He silenced, lowering his head.
"She killed an innocent descendant of our father that she claims to love so hard! She, and she only, is the responsible for my son's death and if I am satisfied with the guilt I saw in her face for my son's murdering so you will swallow your damn pride and stop acting like a spoiled brat! Now go give them the orders to prepare your departure and get the fuck out of this place! And don't you dare to come back without an England King's crown in your head and your name carved on history! Did you hear me?"
He looked away, jaw clenched.
"Did you hear me, Ivar?" I insisted. And he sighed.
"Yes."
"Good." It was my time to sigh "Now... both of you will forgive me."
"Where are you going?" Ubbe asked me when I turned my back on them, intending to leave the tent.
And I looked at them over my shoulder, tears back on my face.
"To my wife's embrace, to cry my son and give him a proper funeral."
They didn't say anything while my steps took me away from that tent.
The peace was restored. The war was over.
But my price for this was too high.
Ubbe had a crown, Ivar had an army, Björn had his mother and I lost everything...
My steps came into the tent slow, almost stumbling... I dragged myself over the bed of furs where my precious (Y/N) was sleeping. Her belly, low and empty, covered in bandages. Her face covered in marks of the tears she cried alone for our beloved son the healers were now preparing for the rites.
I lowered my head, laying it over her lower belly where I was used to putting my ear to hear my son's movements.
And with the silence of his absence, I cried alone the worst pain I have ever felt.