Pregnant.
You took three months to realize and really believe it was happening.
After all, you and Hvitserk had gone to the North of Norway and as you said, Hvitserk found an amazing reception so as you, since the kingdom you chose were in debt with your work as a shieldmaiden defending their King. Ulgn were loyal to Ragnar before his sons and kept his loyalty oaths, giving you and Hvitserk the proper treatment the third prince of Kattegat deserved in his town.
You established in a medium house with a good view from the camps and not so far from the city. Hvitserk used his money from England to buy you a pair of slaves, some animals, seeds and the furniture of the house and King Ulgn invited him to work by his side organizing raids and helping him as a counselor, receiving a part of the raids' loot. You chose a simple life even the money Hvitserk was gaining was enough for you two to live in a palace.
And now after six months of happiness, you had visited the healers of the city and were sure about your pregnancy.
You came home with teary eyes and a smile. Torin, the slave girl that helped with your home chores, received you worried about your tears but smiled when you told her the good news. You asked Algur, the slave man Hvitserk brought you, to kill one of your lambs and Torin to help you to make a special dinner to receive Hvitserk this night. When he came back you two were finishing to set the table.
"Did I missed something, love?" he said, twisted face in a doubt expression that made you giggle.
Torin smiled at you before living and you pulled the chair for him, smiling sweetly.
"No. It is just a special day," you said "Eat. We made it for you, love"
He raised an eyebrow starting to serve himself and you could laugh at his expression through the entire dinner. Every time he tasted something good, his eyebrow went higher in his face, denouncing to you that he was trying mentally to remember what the fuck he forgot that could make that day so special.
In the end, he sighed, frustrated and defeated.
"I'm sorry," he said looking at you "I can't remember..."
It was impossible not to chuckle.
"There is nothing for you to remember, Hvitserk," you got up with a bright smile, standing beside him while he was turning to look at you straight.
"So what?" he asked confused and then you took his hands, placing it over your lightly swollen belly, observing while his fingers were feeling the rounded form, sliding slowly. His eyes widened and he looked at you.
"Yes," your voice sounded like music into his ears "I'm with your child, Hvitserk Lothbrook".
—
Your eyes were far away on the horizon, looking to where Kattegat was supposed to be now. Your fingers sliding over the high swollen belly you had after seven months of a pregnancy that was strange and different of what you were imagining.
Hvitserk was so distant... Always distracted, sometimes he even wasn't sleeping in your bed and you woke up to find him on the balcony or the couch, clearly sleeping in the place the exhaustion of his thoughts got him. In the beginning, you thought it could be some problem with King Ulgn, but soon the news started to spread around the town and you heard about the war. Ubbe, beside Lagertha and Björn, fighting against Ivar and the remaining men from the Great Heathen Army, supported by Harald and his seek for the crown of Norway. You even heard Halfdan, his younger brother, was fighting for Björn instead of him, which made the war receive a second name since Ubbe's story also had reached the lands beyond the sea... "The War of the Betrayer Brother" or "Brothers' War" was the reason of the shadow over Hvitserk's eyes for sure.
And you were tired of this silence.
"What do you wanna do?"
He was again on the balcony, looking at the same place your eyes were before, probably trying to see any sign of battle around Kattegat, thinking about his brothers.
"Hn? What?" he asked and you kept yourself firm.
"I asked what do you wanna do, Hvitserk?"
He shrugged, chuckling without any real reason in his eyes for it. The beautiful eyes you learned to love for a bright that wasn't there anymore.
"There is nothing I can..."
"You're becoming my shadow now." you sentenced, cutting his voice and causing him to look at you surprised. But you kept your tone. You wouldn't let him hide behind you as he did with Björn, then Ubbe, and Ivar after them. You were living your dream. But it wasn't a dream for him anymore.
"What do you mean? I'm..." he started again and you cut his sentence one more time.
"Please, don't lie about it." your eyes straight on his "You're not happy, Hvitserk. You're not even looking at me or thinking your son is about to come. You can't stop thinking about them and I'm not here to condemn you. I also think this is not right. They shouldn't be fighting each other. They are brothers!"
Finally, the mask in his face cracked and he sighed, showing you how frustrated he was.
"I can't help myself thinking I should be there, doing something about my family, preventing them to kill each other as if we weren't the same blood!" he tightened his fists, his jaw clenched. "But I don't wanna leave you... And our son, I..."
"Then let's go talk with our family, Hvitserk." you touched his hands with yours, feeling the way you could make his tense muscles to relax just by touching them, sliding your fingertips on his jawline, feeling the tension going away while you were speaking "I don't wanna fight and I can't fight anyway, but I've heard there will be a..."
"A meeting between the leaders of the two armies." he completed. "I was also thinking about being in this meeting."
"We can try to be the voice of reason to both sides. We can try to make them stop."You said, softly.
"Yes... We can".
You felt his embrace and your heart relaxed in a decision you still didn't know you would regret forever...
—
All the eyes turned to you and Hvitserk when both of you stopped the horses so near the meeting. With the right orders, the men with the spears opened an entrance for you and Lagertha herself gave the chair for you to sit. it is not like you could say you liked her. But you nod to her respectful attitude.
"What are you doing here, brother?" Ivar asked first.
His eyes looking at your belly and scanning Hvitserk's posture beside you.
"I thought I would find you fighting alongside Ivar, but I can see I'm not the only one who..."
"We aren't here to fight," you said, cutting Ubbe when you felt Hvitserk's expression becoming tense to his words. "Instead of it, we are here to talk and try to put an end to this madness."
"I'm not the one making alliances and fighting my brothers," Björn said, accusingly. And Ivar chuckled, rolling his eyes.
"Indeed. You're here protecting the murderous bitch you call your mother! I just can't understand what an Aslaug's son is doing by your side!" Ivar's potent voice was sounding so charged of anger "How can you forgive her for murdering our mother, Ubbe? Our mother! How can you?"
Ubbe laughed, disgusted.
"You don't even try to understand. Everything is just fighting and killing, vengeance and fire for you, Ivar!"
"Enough!" Hvitserk sounded, attracting everyone's eyes once again. And you got up, trying to talk for them both, Ubbe and Ivar, since you knew Björn wouldn't assume his mother was wrong or give you any attention as always; and the other two members of that conference were disposable for you: Harald could put his ambitions up into his ass and Lagertha could do the same with the crown he murdered your godmother to have. You just wanted your family united, your brothers back!
However, Ivar was surrounded by the most furious berserkers and you knew that... They moved around him with your single movement to get up, as if a pregnant woman could do anything against their leader.
Ignoring them, you tried to continue, to call your brothers to reason once again.
"Can't you two hear yourselves? Accusing each other, fighting each other... You used to carry him on your shoulders, Ubbe!" you reminded, causing Ubbe to swallow dry "It is the same crippled boy we used to pull wherever we went, into that wooden chart Floki made to him, remember?"
The memory was painful for them now. Ivar closed his mouth, crisping his lips and looking away from you while Ubbe raised his eyes looking at him, clearly trying to see his little brother on that leader he learned to fear so bad.
"And Ivar... Brother... That man is the same boy who used to run the entire city after the healers just for seeing your eyes a little bit bluer in the morning" you continued.
"You two are brothers, Ragnar's sons! For the gods' sake, you shouldn't be fighting each other!" you insisted, ignoring Björn on your count since he wouldn't listen to your words anyway.
"She killed my beautiful mother, (Y/N)! In cold blood!" Ivar sentenced, filled with anger "I can't... I can't let her go without proper punishment! I can't let it go as if my mother's death was nothing!"
"There are more things to count that only our vengeance, Ivar! There are innocent lives in that town!" Ubbe insisted.
"Ivar would never think about the collateral damage, Ubbe." Björn spit, acid "He's thinking about himself only!"
"And so are you!" Ivar yelled "Protecting your mother's ass using all those innocent people as a shield for your murderous bitch! You're only trying not to feel what she made me feel! I lost everything and this is your mother's fault!"
Hvitserk was dizzy. He put himself in front of you trying to protect your body and his eyes went into Ubbe's, almost begging him to stop.
And then things fell into slow motion for you.
Ubbe extended his hand towards Ivar, stepping forward in order to reach his brother and make him stop. A single step back of their leader and Ivar's men went forward, to protect him... A loyalty you would have admired if it wasn't the wrong moment to step ahead. Björn felt threatened and pushed Ubbe aside, trying to take him out of the sword lines and so a fight started right where you were.
For the first time, you saw Lagertha's eyes looking around as if it wasn't what she was trying to get. And her hands went to your arm, pulling you to her side, trying to protect you from the battle, since she knew you were a pregnant woman...
Enough for Hvitserk to pull his sword...
A sequence of misunderstandings and wrong steps that ended up with Hvitserk and Lagertha crossing swords and one of her archers ready to cross Hvitserk's body with a precise arrow that you couldn't allow to reach its target...
"No!"
Your scream called everyone's attention and the six pairs of blue eyes on that place turned to you when you pushed Hvitserk to the ground, accidentally putting your own body where he was positioned...
A precise arrow that crossed your body instead of his.
"Stop fighting! Stop fighting!!" Ivar's voice heard itself before anyone could react. His eyes widened in the large stain of blood that was forming in your dress.
Lagertha let go the sword covering her mouth with her hands.
Björn and Ubbe were frozen while Hvitserk dragged himself as fast as he could to support your body, preventing you to fall straight to the ground, holding your trembling body into his hands.
"(Y/N), love... Don't worry... You'll be fine! You will... HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!"
"CHARIOT!" Ivar yelled.
His hands were shaking maybe as much as your own. His eyes stained in tears of pure despair. The men brought Ivar's chariot and Ubbe helped Hvitserk to put you over it and hold your body over the car in movement while Ivar was riding it as fast as he could.
"Hvitserk... My baby... Please, you have to... save my baby" you mumbled. Your heart torn into pieces by the way he was looking at your wounded body, completely devastated.
Ubbe helped him to take you out of the chariot and he took you to the healers' tent at Ivar's camp and so they push him away from you and everything turned into pain and fear.
Your labor started as soon as that arrow crossed your body. The bag was broken, you heard the healers saying. Your son...
You were losing your baby.
Those were the worse hours of your entire life. Among pain and sweat, you gave birth to your son too early. But more than rip your flesh and hurt your heart, that arrow destroyed everything.
There wasn't a cry... There wasn't a single sound on that tent when you finally finished the terrible labor you went through.
Instead of it, the midwife they took from the slaves to help you looked into your eyes with tears falling down hers.
"Oh no... no... Please... No!" you begged, but she sobbed with the little package in her hand, motionless.
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... It hurt him... The arrow..." she tried, but you extended your hands, taking the little package from her hands and pulling him towards your chest, lulling the child as if it was only sleeping.
A heavy and beautiful boy. His traces were so perfect... The little hands, the little face, the nose, his little lips... A perfect child.
But it was lost... He wasn't breathing, or moving, or crying. Or opening the little eyes you would never know if were yours or Hvitserk's. The little child in your hands would never suckle the so abundant milk you had in your breasts. There wouldn't be nights awake, laughs around the house, games, smiles... No.
Only the silence and sobs that took every single woman inside that tent.
That war finally took everything from you and you let go a cry that everyone could say was trying to reach the gods in Asgard. But reached only the three pairs of ears out of that tent.
Hvitserk was walking from side to side since you were taken from him. However, his steps were cut and his eyes widened into Ubbe's and Ivar's when they heard your cry.
With no apologies, he broke into the room to see you, covered in sweat and blood, still wounded, holding the little motionless package against your chest, crying and shaking your body as if you could lull your dead child.
The midwife's tears were everything he needed to understand that scene and his hands went to his head before his knees become too weak to hold his body standing.
Your crying eyes found his. It was over.
Your baby, your dreams, it was all dead.
But instead of tears, you saw anger in his eyes.
"Hvitserk..." Ubbe's voice came and Hvitserk's face frowned.
"Get out"
"Brother..." the older one insisted, coming closer, and you saw Hvitserk get up and grow bigger than you never seen before.
"I SAID GET THE HELL OUT!!" he said, shocking his finger against Ubbe's chest, pushing him outside "NOW!"
His son...
His firstborn son was dead.
And this was all his brothers' fault.