<--tw; suicidal language, mentions of self-harm. stay safe lovelies xo -->
alec:
the voices.
they're getting so loud and close.
they want me.
they want me to come to them.
they're very tempting.
i'm so fucked. i love magnus, i really do. in fact, i want to be with him forever.
but my idea of forever is different.
i don't want to die, myself. i personally don't want to die; i want to live to see everyone i love get happy, i want to marry magnus, i want to do so much more. but my brain is telling me no. my brain is telling me that i have to die, that i'm a worthless piece of shit that had so fucking many chances to kill himself yet never did it. i know it isn't true. i know the silent words spoken to me are not true. but my brain believes them.
magnus will be heartbroken if i do this. he might even do it himself; because i know his own history, and about the thing with his manipulative and abusive ex. he thinks i love him, and he's right. i do.
but my suicide wouldn't tell him i love him. it would tell him he wasn't enough. that he didn't love me enough to keep me alive. that he was a piece of shit for letting it happen. and i do not want magnus to die.
so why do i want myself to die?
i suppose i could go back to therapy, but i'm beyond help now.
far beyond.
the good thing is (well it's not great in a way) that magnus found them.
the things.
you know.
i mean i suppose he knew anyway considering the fact there's barely a spare space on either of my forearms anymore. but yeah. at least i can't do it now.
magnus and i had our one year anniversary a few days ago. it was nice. and romantic.
also my eighteenth. that was,,interesting. i'm not going into details but, yknow, yeah.
hey, it's worth a try. i don't really care if i live or die.
<--yoyoyo it's sarah and i just wanted to say that i have two chapters left :(( i'll probably do an epilogue tho so don't worry!! i also have already written a chapter of a NEW fic to publish when this one ends! but yhhh,,tysm for all the love on this,, i wonder can we hit 1K by the end of the month? we mightttt ahhhh
ly all sm xosarah-->