It had now gone surprisingly dark outside as I stood at the huge open double doors and looked out.
The spotlights that shone up everything, were now fully on and their brightness caused me to frown away from them. I gathered my gown closer towards my body and scanned the scene before me.
Luckily there seemed to be no one about, although I could actually hear far off voices of people shouting.
But I paid little attention to them, I was far more interested in the long line of trailers just down from where I was now standing and was trying to pick out which one was in fact Alan's.
I knew that his was the closest one to the studio, so that he wouldn't have too far to walk, but it was hard to tell if there was an actual light on inside, such was the severity of these damned spotlights shining right down into my eyes!
I leant forward, so as of not to actually go outside and screwed them up. It was then and only then that I noticed it had now begun to actually rain and rain quite hard too.
Oh great!
Well I couldn't go out there now anyway, even if I had wanted to!
Not still dressed like this!
No, I would just have to go back inside to the dressing room, get changed quickly before coming back out.
But could I really risk the chance of not seeing Alan if I did all of that? Even if I ran all the way back and got changed super quick! As Ruben said to me before, Alan doesn't usually hang around.
I gave a sigh to myself. It felt right that I should see him tonight though and it was imperative that I do actually speak with him before the premiere! I had to explain to him that what had happened on the film set this evening was nothing at all to do with him and I had realised something very important now.
That I had actually fallen deeply in love with him.
My stomach twisted from my own thoughts but I also had gained a very sudden feeling of complete euphoria.
I just had to tell him.
Now......... before the premiere. I might not have another chance to explain my feelings towards him before then and I knew that when I did, things between us would be a whole lot better. I was convinced of that.
Maybe Alan had been holding back all this time because he wasn't sure about my own feelings for him!
Well, I was about to make them truly known.
I had to do it for my own sanity if nothing else.
He had to know.
I shivered again and looked up, just in time to notice the tall, large frame of Alan Rickman himself, just off in the distance, closing the door to one of the trailers.
My heart skipped a sudden beat on seeing him and I lerched forward, the exposed skin on my feet making contact with the cold, wet, muddy grass beneath me.
I looked down.
Yuk!
Mud was now squelching up over my bare feet and in between my toes.
How disgusting!
But seeing Alan leaving his trailer like this I felt a strange sudden, desperate and immediate urge to go right over there and see him. The desire to speak with him was just so overwhelming and any common sense I actually possessed had totally disappeared as I now found myself beginning to run towards him.
" Alan! ". I yelled, as I squelched barefoot, in the mud and the wet to reach him. "Wait!"
I was now, stepping over all sorts of cables and pipes that lay strewn upon the ground, with all the elegance of an elephant in ballet shoes, as I was slipping and sliding all over the place. My gown was already soaking wet through from the rain and my hair was stuck to my head and back as I could now feel all the makeup running down my face.
But still I kept going.
"Alan!". I yelled again, trying to keep my balance on the wet surface.
He then suddenly turned around.
The expression on his face was one of complete disbelief as he watched me approach and who could blame him. I must have looked like something out of a fifties horror movie as I came lumbering towards him from out of the darkness, wearing nothing but a soaking wet, peach coloured, baby doll nightie and up to my ankles in brown, squelchy mud!
I slid to a stop just in front of him and it was then that I suddenly realised, he was not in fact alone.
My heart lerched when I now saw the very beautiful face of Silva Hodgson peering at me from beneath the cover of a plastic, see through umbrella.
"Gwen, what on earth are you doing?". Alan asked with a concerned frown upon his very weary looking face.
I turned my attention away from Silva and looked at him standing before me, as I endeavoured to catch my breath. I hadn't actually run very far but my breathlessness was mainly due from actually seeing him.
He looked tired though, almost drawn and as if in need of a good night's rest. I kind of felt sorry for him and wondered whether or not I should be burdening him with all of what was going on inside my mind.
But I knew that I had to speak to him, even if it was only to give my explanation of events that had caused my terrible outburst.
"I've...... I've..... Come to speak with you". I panted.
Alan shook his head in dismay.
"You'll catch your death of cold out here. I implore you to go back inside before you do". He said seriously and rather slowly.
"But.... But I have to explain something to you". I wailed, "About what happened earlier".
Alan stared hard at me for a moment and our eyes, for the briefest of moments, connected in the most wonderful of ways.
The rain was now beating down very heavily onto the both of us, and I noticed that his fair, greying hair was beginning to stick down flat against his head as he pulled the collar of his rather expensive looking, grey checked coat, up around his neck.
I, myself was absolutely soaking wet through and shivered involuntarily, mainly from the cold but also from my nerves. But I wasn't about to opt out, even with Silva standing there also, underneath her umbrella and looking as elegant as ever, despite the mud and the rain.
I didn't really want to pay her very much attention though, for I had to speak with Alan. I had to tell him that it wasn't him I was lashing out at earlier and to also let him know, once and for all how I actually felt about him.
So I took in a shaky breath.
"I....... I...... must tell you......something ". I now found myself actually shouting above the noise from the rain, " Something I've been wanting to tell you for ages now and of course to apologise for my conduct earlier on as well".
A loud clap of thunder very suddenly erupted above the noise from the rain, which made me nervously jump somewhat. I also noticed Alan momentarily look upwards as the rain continued to beat down heavily onto the both of us, as well as onto the metal of the trailers making it all sound annoyingly rather noisy.
But I didn't want anything to distract me from my quest to at last tell him about how I felt, not even a thunderstorm.
"Please". I said, now trying to get his attention away from this appalling weather and back onto me again.
"I really have to explain........... Everything".
"Must you?". He sighed, in a somewhat bored sounding tone as he turned now to look at me again.
He also looked rather pained that I should want to speak with him out here, at this precise moment in this quite appalling weather.
"Will it possibly be able to wait until........".
He eyed up my state of undress most curiously and took in a big breath.
"Well...... When its not absolutely pissing down with rain and you are more suitably attired".
I blinked back the raindrops that were now falling into my eyes and brushed the soaking wet hair that had clamped itself down onto my face, with an equally soaking wet hand, then took in a breath.
"No". I said firmly, "It can't wait. I have to tell you now or else........".
I took the biggest gulp ever, followed by an even bigger breath.
"I may not ever be able to say it". I said.
Without warning yet another clap of thunder broke out from the night sky, ripping through the noise from the rain hitting metal roofs as if some way in competition with just who could sound the loudest.
Alan narrowed his eyes.
I could see the raindrops falling onto his lashes and rolling down his cheeks. His hair had now clamped itself down onto his head as by now he was beginning to look decidedly soaked.
But not as soaked as I was though.
I felt as if someone had just poured several buckets of ice cold water all over me. But still I stood my ground in front of him.
Alan suddenly sucked in a breath.
"Go on then Miss Stevens. Say what you have to say......... And be quick about it". He said.
This was it. I had been given the go ahead, the green light so to speak. I now had his undivided attention.
"I had a panic attack". I blurted out.
Alan cocked his head to one side. He seemed surprised.
"Before............ you know, during that scene, on the bed". I said hurriedly.
Alan stared at me, a frown began to form between his attractive soft looking eyes, before he took a slow inward breath.
"And......... are you alright now?". He asked slowly, deep concern seemed to resonate from his deep baritoned voice.
I nodded enthusiastically, noticing droplets of water falling down in front of me from off my hair as I did so.
"Yes, yes I'm absolutely fine now". I answered, glad that I had got that bit out of the way.
I took in another breath.
Here goes.
"But the reason, I happen to think that I had it in the first place was because.....".
I hesitated.
I had to get this completely right.
Alan Rickman was standing there in front of me........ Waiting for an explanation and I felt that the whole of my future happiness depended upon just how I worded my next sentence.
But suddenly there was an interruption.
An interruption from the girl standing just a little way off from us, sheltering beneath her polka dot, see through umbrella.
"Alan". She whined, in a simpering little voice, "Can we not go now please....... We're going to be horribly late you know".
I glanced over to where she was standing and pulled a face.
I had quite forgotten that she was still actually standing there! Such was my concentration in explaining myself to Alan. But now she had received my attention, I very suddenly resented her presence and wondered briefly what the hell she was doing here anyway, interrupting my time with Alan once again.
Had she not realised that what I was about to say was extremely important!
Of course she would not have known. How could she?
But didn't she do this before with a perfectly timed interruption the last time I had tried telling Alan how much l loved him?
That time inside his trailer, when I was just about to telll him then!
It was just as if she possessed some kind of a sixth sense or something! As if she really knew and was trying to stop me.
I faltered as I waited for Alan to turn around and answer her.
But he did not.
He just shushed her away with a wave of one of his extremely large hands and continued to just look at me.
I drew in another breath, trying to ignore her myself and get on with what I was just about to confess.
I twisted my fingers with nervousness.
"Well........ Its because". I said turning my full attention back to him again, "I..... I have now realised.......realised something that I have probably been in denial with for such a long time now....... And well its that...... Its because.......".
Bloody hell this was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
I was stuttering and stammering all over the place, as the big man before me just continued to stand there in the pouring, cold rain, just staring at me.
He remained silent and still. Didn't try to either prompt me or interrupt me. He just waited with an expression so hard to read, I had no idea if he was pleased, saddened or just plain confused about what I was actually trying to tell him.
I took in a deep breath, yet again. Determined now to just blurt out everything.
I knew that I would never have a better chance.
"I can't stop thinking about you". I said quickly. "And...... And.... I believe that..... that I have actually.......... fallen in love with you".
There. I had said it. At last!
Here I was standing in the mud in the pouring rain, soaking wet, wearing a flimsy see through gown showing off the lovely underwear beneath with nothing on my feet, hair stuck against my head with make up running down my face, confessing my inner most feelings to him once and for all.
What must I have looked like!
I would not have blamed Alan at all, if he had felt the need to now turn around and legg it as far away from me as was physically possible and never return, such was my frightful appearance and my laboured confession.
But he didn't.
He just stood there, looking at me.
Soft, gentle green eyes staring into my own in that wonderful way of his.
What exactly was going on in that head of his now, I wondered.
What was going to be his reply.
Would he just say nothing and just take me longingly into his arms and hold me tightly, just like in the movies.
My heart pounded in anticipation.
He then took in a slow deliberate breath and still looking softly into my eyes spoke gently :
"This is neither the time, nor the place for such discussions. May we reconvene another time....... perhaps?".
My mouth dropped open. This was not what I had expected him to say at all and I felt suddenly very deflated.
I had just opened up my absolute true feelings for him and he just seemed to be fobbing me off!
Did he not realise what a great deal this was for me to come out and say this?
Didn't he think that I had actually been building up to say this for months now and just how hard it had been for me to actually admit it?
Obviously not!
He continued to look at me, almost with a severe amount of pity rather than being elated or happy at my admission.
Rats!!!!
I bet he gets this all the time. I was just another one of his starstruck pupils. One little bit of a fondle on a four poster bed and I thought I was in love with him.
Boy, had I been stupid or what!!
I should never have listened to idle chit chat from other members of the crew. I should have just kept myself to myself like I always have, do my job and not let the stupid thoughts or speculations from any of the others cloud my judgement.
I now felt a proper fool and a complete bloody idiot.
"Alan". A small, quiet voice suddenly spoke again from behind him in the shadows. "We really should be going".
This time he turned around to look at the small, petite figure of Silva, sheltering beneath her umbrella.
She looked cold and was all huddled up, with two shaking hands holding the handle but at least she was more appropriately dressed than I was!
Alan frowned as he turned to look back at me and I noticed that raindrops were now running all the way down his face and dripping off the end of his rather large nose.
"Look........ Gwen, I must go". He spoke quietly.
I blinked up at him. I didn't want him to just go like that. I wanted him to stay. Stay with me and to take me tightly into his arms, wrap me warmly within them and whisper into my ear that this is what he had yearned for me to tell him.
I wanted him to feel relieved that we now both, at last, felt the same way for one another and we would comfort each other with this new found knowledge.
But it wasn't to be. Not a bit of it.
He was still stood quite a way from me, not a comforting arm or even a hand in sight. In fact he looked pretty indifferent to my admissions and I felt gutted by the fact.
"Alan..... Darling..... We're going to be really late". Wailed the voice from behind him again.
Alan half turned to Silva and then answered.
"Ok, coming now sweetheart". He spoke softly to her, before turning back towards me.
"We will talk about this at a later date". He spoke with authority, "I cannot speak with you now". He went on, making it plain that there was absolutely no chance of a discussion at this moment in time.
Again, I opened my mouth as if to speak.
I mean what was there to discuss?
Why did he need to talk to me about it in such an authoritive manner?
I had now told him that I loved him as I'd been told he felt the same way. End of story!
I just couldn't understand his reasoning.
"But.......". I managed to squeek out, stepping forward slightly as I did so.
"Later Gwen....... Please". Alan replied, cutting me off before I had the chance to speak with him further.
He then looked me up and down, almost in a disgusted manner, then putting a hand up as if to shoo me away, he then said :
"Go and get yourself tidied up........ And I will see you on Tuesday evening ".
He then turned gave me another almost disapproving look, before just simply walking away.
Oh my God!
He was just going to go.... Like that, leave me here...... Alone... In the darkness and the pouring rain, soaking wet, in see through nightwear and with mud squelching up between my toes.
I watched as he approached Silva and proceeded to put a loving, comforting arm onto her back. He then lowared his big frame beneath the shelter of her umbrella as she angled it in such a way that he was benefiting from it also.
Even though, he had got pretty soaked stood here talking to me, it was obvious that he really did not like the rain.
For me though, the discomfort of being totally wet through was nothing to the sheer humiliation I was now experiencing as I watched the two of them now walking away from me, talking closely and quietly to one another without a second thought or look back towards me.
Another rumble of thunder was heard, but it was more distant this time, as just like Alan himself the storm was now moving away. It was still raining though. Large, heavy rain drops continued to fall, mirroring the tears that were now falling within my sad, broken heart.
How could he just leave me like that?
After I had just painstakingly admitted everything to him.
It was as if he didn't really care about me!
My stomach twisted and I felt suddenly extremely sick.
It would now seem that he did not actually care for me as much as I did for him and I had succeeded in making myself look a total and utter fool now in front of him!
What had made this even worse though, was the fact that the rest of the crew had also started to leave the studio's and head towards the exit to the awaiting vehicles.
Oh, heaven's no.
People were beginning to walk right past me and were staring and talking amongst themselves as if they couldn't really believe what they were seeing. I mean, here I was just stood there.... A prize bloody idiot soaked through with mud up to my ankles. What did I actually expect? People not to notice me?
I must have looked a right bloody mess!
I most certainly felt it.
Sitting at the prime window table at Jose's restaurant, I bent my head down onto my folded arms and stared out.
It was very busy, beyond the pane of glass, as people hustled and bustled their way through they're mid morning routines of grabbing lunch somewhere or shopping or just generally getting from A to B.
This wasn't a particularly busy area of London usually, but today it really seemed as if there was a lot of activity going on.
But to be truthfully honest, I wasn't really paying that much attention to the outside world, as the stuff that had been swirling itself around the inside of my head was more than enough to keep me occupied.
Tonight was the night of the premiere and three days since I'd been at the studio's and had admitted my feelings to Alan.
Three days of sitting on my own in the empty flat, pondering my next move. Oh how I wished Marcus was here to tell all my troubles too. I knew exactly what he'd do as well. Order a gigantic pizza, get several bottles of cheap, supermarket wine, some Ben and Jerry's ice-cream and put on a favourite chick flick.
We would then talk and he would tell me that Alan didn't deserve me and all the shit that had happened to me lately was just a test to see if I could handle all the good things that would be coming my way in the future. Marcus would have all this sorted out for me in one gluttonous, carefree evening and I just knew that I would feel so much better by the end of it.
But there was no Marcus.
He was living it up with that slime ball Hugo, in Ibiza.
I had heard from him, last week on the phone, telling me that he had arrived safely and that the place they were staying at was tremendous. He was enjoying the weather and he'd already been to several nice restaurants and a naked pool party!
Hearing his excited voice and laughter on the other end of the phone got me thinking about my own happiness.
When was the last time that I had really been that happy? When was the last time I had actually laughed out loud like that?
Maybe I should have taken him up on his flippant offer after all and perhaps now, I would have been the one enjoying myself at a naked pool party!
Instead I was on my own with thoughts raging inside my head all the time and that flat really felt such a lonely place with just me in it.
Several of my friends from the studio had text and even rung me on my home phone number though, to see if I was alright, but I hadn't replied to any of them. Mainly because I felt so damned stupid and ashamed about the standing in the pouring rain episode, never mind my alleged panic attack!
I mean, what the hell had that been all about anyway?
Had Rachel in fact been right in suspecting that I had got PTSD!
Was I suffering from some kind of mental condition brought on by Ashcroft 's violation of me?
How was I ever going to face any of the people from the film set again after that?
They must really think that I have a screw loose.
Several, in fact.
Could I actually even go back there?
Self doubt and loathing had been going around inside my head ever since I had started out in this wretched film career of mine. I had actually been plagued none stop with it.
Was this what I truly wanted for myself?
Was I really that happy?
No of course I wasn't.
I had never been since embarking on this stupid, unpredictable journey.
I thought I would be. I thought I'd love it, embrace it, feel confident and truly fulfilled with it. But I was not.
Not one bit.
Looking around the restaurant, with everyone eating, chatting and generally enjoying themselves, I began to realise that I had been at my most happiest when I had worked here, doing my little washing up job with all my hopes and dreams still intacked. When I felt that I had something to give, a real purpose in life, to just get out there and prove myself.
At the moment now, all I seemed to be doing was making mistakes, apologising to people and generally over thinking every little detail.
This was no way to carry on and maybe I just wasn't cut out at all for this type of career.
I gave an elongated sigh to myself and looked down at the twisted mess that were my fingers as they had wrapped themselves around one another. A sure sign that I was stressed.
Then there was tonight to contend with..................
Tonight I was going to make an even bigger fool out of myself at this damned Premier I had agreed to go to with Alan Rickman!
Oh Dear God's, why on earth was I putting myself through all of this. I just knew that it was going to be one complete and utter disaster!
I mean, Alan and I weren't exactly even on speaking terms with one another, not properly anyway and he had basically told me to go away and leave him alone the last time I had seen him.
My stomach twisted at that awful memory.
The way he had looked down at me, full of pity and distain whilst I stood there in front of him pouring my heart out. Standing there telling him how I actually felt, after months and months of keeping it locked up inside.
Why had I stupidly chosen that very moment to let him know. Stood out there in the cold, pouring rain, on a muddy film set, wearing nothing but a see through baby doll nightie and in front of, what could only be described as his very beautiful girlfriend.
I mean, she must have been. Why else was she there with him?
Even though he had fervently denied any sort of a romantic connection with the very pretty actress, it was now plain for me to see that he was in fact just trying to soften the blow.
My stomach twisted horribly again.
He was with her. I had seen it for myself. The closeness between them both. The little glances, the slightest touches, the way in which Alan seemed so much calmer and more relaxed whenever she was around.
Now, after this confession of mine, things were going to be much, much worse.
Tonight we were going to be in each other's company and I just knew that he was going to tell me to pull myself together and to start being an actress and not some dewy eyed little school girl.
I really had this feeling of impending doom and knew that tonight was going to be absolutely terrible.
Coupled with the fact that Alan himself, hadn't even bothered to get in touch with me to see how I was after the soaking I'd endured and the way in which I had poured my heart out to him. I had half expected him to have rung, I mean a lot of the others from the studio had!
But thinking logically about it, why on earth would he?
He was probably feeling just as embarrassed and ashamed as I was and probably just needed to distance himself away from me for a while.
Anyway, he had that Silva person to talk to and discuss things with.
I had no one.
I could just imagine that he would talk to her about everything I had said to him, because she had been there that night, waiting for him underneath that poxy see through umbrella, making sure that everyone could witness her with Alan!
It did somehow seem that whenever I wanted to speak with him about things, there she was!
I felt suddenly very angry at the thought of the two of them together and my hands clenched with annoyance.
If nothing was going on between them like he had insisted, then why did she always seem to be there?
He was certainly very cozy with her all the time! And pretty off hand with me. It was as if I was a real major inconvenience to him. Going to his trailer like that was a real mistake. He very obviously neither need or want me turning up like I had.
Oh God!
I thought to myself, banging my head down now onto my folded arms, why did I ever feel the need to go chasing after him like that!
I should have just left him well alone. Let him get on with his relationship with Silva and not let gossip from others, or excuses from Alan himself dictate what or how I should conduct myself or in fact feel.
I grumbled loudly in fury and frustration at my inability to govern my own life and clenched my fists once again, angrily.
"Is everything alright?".
A very familiar, yet concerned sounding voice spoke from out of my anger.
I looked up to see Jose standing there beside me with a plate of hot food and a glass of red wine in his hands.
I straightened up as he then laid the meal of meatballs and spaghetti in front of me.
" I'm fine...... Just Fine". I lied, with an unconvincing smile.
"You don't look fine". He said, not fooled by my facade.
I took in a laboured breath as Jose shook his head at me, then said:
"I will leave you to eat your meal in peace, then I will come back....... To talk. You are not yourself Gwen. You miss shifts, you look sad and you don't smile like you used to. I worry about you".
I nodded at him. It was about time I told him what had been going on. Not about Ashcroft though, he thought the world of Ashcroft and it wouldn't really be fair to tarnish their friendship with what that horrible git had done to me. It was best that I leave that part out, even if it was a major contributing factor in the way I was now feeling!
Jose had now walked away and left me alone to eat my meal.
I had decided to come here for lunch, mainly because I was fed up of always eating alone in the flat. Although I was still eating alone in here, at least there were some sort of human interaction and of course, Jose had come up trumps!
Then there was tonight's Premier and not being really sure of the protocol of such an event, I had decided to fill up on carbohydrates to see me through the day. I would hate it if my stomach began growling half way through the film or I became faint or something hideous like that!
Goodness knows I'd been embarrassing myself a lot just lately as it was, without adding to it.
No...... I needed to be on top form tonight, particularly because I was seeing Alan. So I had invited both Maya and Amelia to come round to the flat later on to help me do my hair, nails and makeup.
I was looking forward to that. It should be fun.
I just wanted to make a bit of an effort, try to appear perfect and not let myself down.
I sighed deeply as I glugged down the wine, before tucking into the food. However, the hunger that I thought I had, was now strangely missing. Good intentions and all that in attempting to be nice and full for tonight, had failed miserably as my appetite had completely deserted me. It wasn't the food. The food looked great. It was just me and my nervousness about later on.
It felt bad enough, going to a Premier for the first time, being on show in front of everyone and all that. But that really wasn't the reason for my churned up feeling inside.
It was, of course......... Alan.
Seeing him, speaking to him, just being with him.
My stomach churned again, then pushing the plate away from me, I diverted my attention back to looking at the world beyond the window.
A few minutes had passed before I was aware of someone sitting down opposite to me at the table.
It was Jose and he was now pouring out two fresh glasses of red wine from a bottle. I noticed immediately that he wasn't wearing his navy and white thin striped apron which meant that he had probably finished his work in the kitchen.
I looked around. The restaurant was practically empty now.
How had that happened?
My plate of untouched food had gone stone cold and looked pretty unappealing now, although the glass of wine that had accompanied it had long since been drunk as I twisted the now warmed glass once again in my hands.
Had I actually been asleep or something? How on earth had time passed by so quickly?
"What time is it?". I asked Jose, with a shake of my befuddled head.
"Twenty past three". He replied, pushing a now full glass of red across the table towards me.
I frowned at him.
"You've been staring out of window for well over an hour". Jose said with concern.
I stared at him in disbelief.
"Please........ Tell me. What is wrong with my little actress aye? Who was once so full of life and ambition, for I worry that she has been lost". Jose said.
I smiled at him and put down the warmed, empty glass in favour of the cooler, much fuller one.
"I'm ok, honest I am". I answered, taking a greatful sip from it.
"But to be truthful such a lot as happened to me lately. I don't know where to start".
Jose took a sip of wine from his own glass. His soft, dark brown eyes studied me carefully.
He knew that I was on the cusp of telling him something big.
But did I really want to reveal all to him when I wasn't even sure anymore that all of this acting malarkey was indeed what I really wanted.
I took in a big breath.
"I've realised one of my ambitions". I blurted out, then paused for a second, before going on. "You see I'm in the process of making a film".
Jose's eyes widened.
"You are?". He asked. "Is that the reason you miss your shifts?".
I bent my head down and nodded.
"I'm sorry Jose, about that". I mumbled, lightly touching the top of my glass of wine with my fingertips.
"No matter, No matter, we have other wash-up to cover for you". He said, shaking his head and waving his hand dismissively, "Anyway I need to know about your film. You are in a film......... you say?".
I looked up and smiled.
"Yes". I answered.
"Well that's fantastico!!!". Jose announced, spreading his arms out sideways. "My little film actress! Let me congratulate you!!"
And with that Jose got up from off his chair, came over towards me and before I could even move, placed his both hands onto my shoulders and planted a kiss each onto both my cheeks.
"I knew you were up to something....... And now, at last you have been discovered. My beautiful, talented Gwen". He grinned at me, before returning to his seat.
"Perhaps I got wrong drink, no? Should have been champagne".
I shook my head at him.
"The wine is fine". I smiled. "It's very good in fact, made all the more pleasing that I'm sharing it with you. My very favourite resturanteer".
Jose beamed his very widest of smiles at me with eyes that twinkled.
"Oh sweet Gwen. How I have missed you, with your beautiful smile and your very lovely words. I am pleased that your dream as become your reality........... but alas I remain sad for myself".
"I'm quite sad too". I confessed. "I've never been happier than when I worked here with you. In fact........ I sometimes wish.........."
My voice trailed away, as I suddenly remembered all the happy times I had spent here and the laughs we'd shared together. It was making me so very sad to think that I was leaving it all behind........ And for what?
Doing something that I felt miserable about doing.
Was it really such a wise move, when I felt this down and depressed all the time about doing it?
Should I really persue a career where I was constantly being surrounded by the sort of people I wasn't really that comfortable with? Was I actually beginning to regret things?
Could I really be on the verge of giving it all up and returning to my theatre work and my happy little wash up job?
That could be an option.
It might even be the right one.
I leaned back in my chair and took a huge gulp from the glass.
"You know". I suddenly said. "Do you ever yearn for something so much that it becomes the only thing you're really interested in. It takes over your life and then when you somehow get it........ You realise that it's not what you want after all".
I pondered.
"Oh, all the time my dear Gwen". Jose grinned. "Its called life".
I smiled at him as he went on:
"My dream was to have a string of restaurants, many, many restaurants. I would be king. So I bought another and another then another". He said shaking his head.
My mouth dropped open.
"You had....... More than this one Restaurant?". I asked, "I didn't know that".
"I had five". He said, almost sadly.
"Five!". I repeated.
Jose nodded his head.
"Fine, fine restaurants. They were all good. But so much hard work to keep going. Chef's would leave after silly disputes, the staff all demanding more and more money, trying to juggle everything. It became a nightmare". He sighed. "Remo.... He said, get rid, get rid. But I held on to them".
He then began to clench both his fists very hard together along with his teeth.
"But I held onto my dream Gwen, I did not want to let them go. I held on tightly to them".
I stared at him, at the determination he had and marvelled at his resolve.
"I had no idea, I mean I just never knew....... Have you still got them all?". I asked.
Jose shook his head, relaxing his hands as he did so.
"I sold them. They all went........... all of them, except this one. This one I keep. My bread and butter".
I smiled at him. But he looked desperately sad.
"You regret selling them?". I asked, tentatively.
He slowly nodded his head.
"I built up a little empire. My dream to have....... Jose's restaurant everywhere....... It was fantastic, at first. Then I got problems. I worry, I couldn't sleep. I get depressed. I thought Remo was right, so I sell. It seemed best idea....... But now I regret. I didn't try to fix problems I took the easy way out and gave up ". He said sadly.
I stared hard at him.
Was I really about to do the exact same thing with my own life?
The thought had only just crossed my mind to just give it all up, but would that just be a simple cop out?
Would I really regret everything, like Jose if I did?
"Couldn't you just start again?". I offered.
Jose shrugged his shoulders.
"Not so easy now". He said. "The opportunities are not there anymore. It is harder to find property that is good. Everyone had same idea as me and they made a go of it. I was a coward".
I continued to stare at him. Never before had I seen this little man look so sad and so full of regret. It was heartbreaking.
He now looked up at me, his face was very serious.
"That is why you should never give up on your dreams Gwen. See them through, fight hard for them. Try your hardest even in tough times. It will be worth it, believe me and believe in yourself. Please don't live with regret....... Like I have done".
I took in a big gulp of wine.
This was really making me think now.
I had no idea about any of this. I was just under the impression that Jose was just very happy here, running his own little restaurant doing his own little thing and being very happy about it.
I had absolutely no idea that he even had four or five other restaurants and that his whole ambition had been to expand.
I suddenly felt deflated and very sad for him.
Maybe I should just take a leaf out of his book and carry on, regardless of my own thoughts and inhibitions and really make a name for myself. Not to give up like I had contemplated in doing.
I mean, what would that prove?
The film will still get done whether or not I was actually in it. Alan would simply ask somebody else to go to premiers with him and someone would soon inhabit my trailer!
Life would still go on and it was up to me entirely if I wanted to be a part of it all or not.
I eyed up Jose curiously as he sat there opposite me, sipping gently at his glass of wine. I could tell he was very deep in thought, but then again so was I.
We were silent towards one another but our minds whirled with the what ifs and maybes that accompanied such realisation of what might have been.
Did I really want to live with this much regret?