TEARS FROM THE MOON

Chapter 36.

I stood there, waiting for his next words.
Alan was now looking directly into my eyes and try as I might I could not help but to feel so lost within them.

"Look, I do appreciate that things have been, shall we say, rather difficult, you know,  as far as............" .

Alan paused slightly then took an inward breath, something I noticed he did when he was about to say something important.

"Well, as far as we are concerned. So I'd like to take this opportunity to try and make amends in some way, If............... Of course you will allow me".   He said gently.

I stared at him. Not looking at his eyes any more, but at his lips.
It was hard for me to really take in fully what he had just said.
Did he just tell me that he wanted to make it up to me?
After everything that had gone on, he had actually realised what he'd been putting me through?

My stomach was starting to twist and I felt my breathing becoming more and more shallow with each passing moment.
Then my fingers began to twist and knot themselves together as my nervousness really started to take over.
I swallowed hard and blinked rapidly at him, my eyes now looking back into his again.

"If you wouldn't mind".    He began speaking again,  "I would consider it a great personal pleasure if you would accompany me to the premier of the film The Veil on Tuesday week".

I swallowed hard again and then blinked even more rapidly at him.
It was a strange sort of feeling that I was very suddenly going through, for although this was what my heart and soul had been actually yearning for, my mind...... My stupid old messed up mind thought there must be some sort of a catch!
I mean there had to be right?
A movie star such as Alan Rickman would not be asking someone like me to go out in the public domain with him surely?
I knew as well as the next person what these sort of events entail.
All full of other celebrities slapping each other on the back congratulating one another on a job well done. Then everyone eyeing up what the other person was wearing, especially the women.
There would be crowds cheering, photographers grappling for the best shot and fans screaming and shouting.
I knew it wouldn't be for me they were yelling for, but people would be wondering who the hell I was!
I also knew that Alan wasn't in this film, so he himself had probably been invited by someone. More than likely somebody else very famous from the movie industry who would not have a clue who I was anyway.
I had the distinct feeling that I would end up being greatly humiliated.

I now felt somehow trapped by his invitation and I couldn't understand why.
This was something that most ordinary, sane people would have jumped at the chance for, but sadly somehow, not me.
I certainly was not at all in my right mind when I looked up at him, blinked a couple of times then replied:

"Oh, you don't have to make anything up to me".   I gulped, trying so hard to keep my emotions in check as he continued to look down at me.
I took in another breath.

"It's not as if it's the first time something like this has happened, you know........ me falling for someone who doesn't feel the same way".    I went on, in quite a haphazardly kind of way.  "It happens to me all the time".  

I then found myself faking a smile, as if none of the feelings I had been harboring over the last few weeks and months had really bothered me.

But Alan's eyes had widened and I somehow feared that he'd seen through the facade I was putting up.

"Gwen..... I...".    He went to speak.

"No, please".   I suddenly interrupted him,  "Thank you for the very kind invite, I do appreciate it, really I do............ but it just wouldn't be fair on me, or indeed Silva, so there's no need to try and make things up to me, honestly......... There isn't, coz I'm fine..... Really I am ".