A lot of people, from what I read from their letters, were surprised by your feelings for Andy. Maybe most of all yourself. Here's an example of one:
10/30—1925
My Darling Little Munchkin,—
I'm writing a few letter to some of my old girl to-night. So I can't forget my old Gal,--
First, what the bull is the idea of you standing on a fence every time you get you picture taken? A little lady that has traveled as much as you have should stand on her own feet and look the whole World in the eyes—But I see that Calavaris farmer is a big husky boy, if you ever marry that fellow, he can surely turn you over his knees and spank your little A. any Time you kick over the Traces—Roll that is your cigie and smoke it.—
I'm not a damn bit afraid of any guy that you marry Dear I know you will never kiss them with any more sincerety in your heart, than, you kissed good-by to your Uncle + Aunty in little Ol New York—Now be a good little Munchkin and I think we will be out on the Gold Coast sometime in the near future. Trust in the good Lord, keep your nose clean, and cover up your hind Legs. Show this to my, dear, sweet, sincere, good, friend Dodo Butler and tell her that I think of her and my dear Betty more times than they think, I do. Tell Dodo, I got a very good look at her hid hind Legs, up at Angus Calanti, but the whole dam world saw them, where she kissed me at the Penn R.R. Station in N.Y.C. I haven't time for any more of this to-night, I wish you could see it snow, as I write this. If you were here now Munchkin we would have some fun—in the Snow.
Love to Jo + Betty and don't forget I will Love you forever.
My Little Munchkin
Dick XXX
~
I'm assuming Dick is one of your many flirty brothers, or at least a friend you made while in New York. I'm sure you sent him photos of you sitting on a fence near Andy, showing him the man you were falling in love with. Though Dick doesn't seem convinced of your feelings, or is at least teasing you.
How did these letters make you feel? Did you toss your head back and laugh, or did you stamp your foot in annoyance? What was so hard to accept that you were falling in love with a cowboy?
Like Andy at the Mokelumne Hill Post office, perhaps your friends and family saw you dashing to mail yet another letter to your big sweetheart with shaking heads. That girl needs to get off the fence about that farmer boy, they'd say.
It wasn't just about deciding whether or not you were in love, though, Gen. At least, where I'm coming from, I can see how it wouldn't have been an easy choice to make. Going out on dates with flirty young men was one thing; deciding if you want to marry one is quite different. It's deciding what kind of life you wanted, what your future will hold. And some marriages are not always the right choice. You should know, and I do, too.
~
A famous comedian once said, "No good marriage ends." Unfortunate advice from a man who was later found out to be masturbating on the phone with unsuspecting women.
(Oh, don't be so shocked, Gen, you survived the Roaring Twenties, for heaven's sake.)
While there is a grain of truth in what he said, we have to consider the source. I learned at a young age to take any kind of advice about divorce with a grain of salt.
Anyone who says that divorce isn't a big deal, that it isn't traumatic, is a liar. Or inexperienced in ugly divorces. Choosing the wrong person to marry can have ugly consequences. I know so.
Ugly marriages often lead to even uglier divorces. And no, it's not a good thing. I can't think of one good thing that came out of my parents' divorce. I can't think of one good thing about my mother's second divorce, which arguably ended on even worse terms than her divorce from my dad. I suffer ramifications from these divorces to this day. The way my parents treated each other completely altered my relationship with them, and I don't even want to start with my mother's second husband. And no prince in shining armor saved me. I had my sisters and later, my two best friends. All I had for protection were them, and I was all they had, too. But we were children then, stuck dealing with the consequences of adult decisions.
Basically, it's like I've said before: I've seen how badly love can go.
I wanted to land on my own two feet too, Gen. I didn't want my life and happiness to depend on someone else's choices, no matter how much I loved them. I wanted to travel the world and look it in the eyes, and let it know it wouldn't defeat me, even if I stood alone. So, I did: I traveled alone; I ate alone; I walked the streets of Vienna alone. Though I made friends, I held everyone at an arm's length, like you did with your aunt and uncle at the train station.
And whenever I cracked opened my heart to love again, I was continuously met with disappointment. Maybe you had the same experience as me. I am finding, in these letters, that you and I are more alike than I once thought.
The problem with landing on your own two feet is the loneliness. Not everyone is lonely, of course, but I was. Andy often wrote you that he sure felt lonesome without you, and God knows I've felt lonesome, too.
You don't always have to be in a romantic relationship to get your heart broken, and it takes time to heal. And even after it does, there are scars.
Did you have scars too, Gen?
Did the ache of those scars dim in the light of Andy's letters? Whenever another one appeared in your mailbox, did you feel the pull to Calaveras County once more? After holding everyone at an arm's length, and especially made sure to keep a wall of letters and miles between you and Andy, were you finally ready to break that wall down?
When the two of you were together, you weren't so lonesome anymore. Besides, Andy wrote on November 4, 1925 that there was snow in the mountains. What was the difference between the snow in New York City and the California Sierra Nevadas, anyway? Snow was snow.
I think it all depends on who you want to play in the snow with.
~
Mokelumne Hill
Nov. 27. 1925
Dear Gen.
I received your welcome letter this morning, so glad to hear that you arrived to the city alright, I arrived home that night at 12:30 a.m. I wasn't tired but I sure was lonesome more so this time than ever before.
Don't ever think that I done so much for you Gen.
I haven't done anything that I wouldn't gladly do again, the opportunity is all I ask, for its real happiness for me Gen to be with you and you alone. You're deserving of everything much more than I have to offer and that I told you long ago. I know I'm not so swell, but I'm a real man and a real man I'll always be, even though you don't think I am.
Some day I might prove to you that everything I say is true. And when I tell that I love you Gen believe me its true No dought you'll laugh when you hear that as you have heard it so much. But just the same its true.
I hope some day you will for-get about being so ambitious and take me up on what I have ask you Gen. For there's nothing in this world I want like I want you.
I hope that you won't be offended at what I have wrote Gen and that you will write a long letter in return as I'm always waiting for your letters. So will close for this time and got to work. I'm working nights now driving my Dads truck.
As ever
Andy
P.S. I send you a big hug and kiss even though you never send me any not even a little X Ha: Ha:
###
Perhaps landing on your own two feet is ambitious, but so is choosing to love someone for the rest of your life. Choosing the wrong person to marry has its consequences, but so does choosing the right person.
Terrifying, isn't it, Gen?