I don't know what's going on. I'm sitting in an alley way near my apartment, facing an old brick building, bouncing a chewed up dog toy I picked up a few blocks away. It looks so old and dirty that I wouldn't be surprised if maggots started crawling out.
It's been a few days since I saw Ivan or Jackie. I left shortly after everything turned to chaos and I promised Ivan that I'd be back soon.
I feel numb inside. I've been sleeping at my apartment, strategically ignoring my roommates who I've considered family for my entire life. They kept my mattress in my room but moved everything else out - including my sheets and pillowcases. It's not like my room was large to begin with so they didn't have to move too much stuff.
I promised them that I'd be out by 6pm today. I don't know where I'll go, but thankfully being homeless is not a foreign concept to me.
Finally, I decide to just go back to the apartment and collect everything that is left to take with me in my backpack.
This whole thing is so surreal. It's like something from a movie when the main character gets in a fight with their best friend except I'm the main character and the best friend is their entire family.
I'm hesitant to enter the apartment but nobody is there and I realize I've hit the jackpot to clean my stuff out in peace. I don't take too much, just some clothes and my cell phone stuffed in my book bag. Some deodorant, what I think is my toothbrush, and an entire tube of toothpaste that either Nigel or Kylie just opened.
Instead of being sentimental and taking everything in, I walk out and slam the door behind me. I practically run back outside to the sidewalk and light a cigarette as soon as I get there.
"Ay, what the fuck?" I hear Ivan's voice echo from down the sidewalk. I quickly turn my head both ways until I see him in the short distance - his arms up in the air like he's confused, walking towards me with the hood on his sweatshirt up. "You said you'd be back soon and I'm getting impatient."
I shake my head as I inhale a drag of my cigarette, blowing the smoke out from the side of my mouth.
"I was just about to head back, I swear."
Ivan looks at me with his lips twisted, his hands on his hips. "Yeah right, you swear."
I laugh quietly and run my free hand through my hair. "I really do!"
"You gonna stay with me now? I know a place we can live rent free," Ivan tells me as he pushes his hood back off of his head. "I have a deal with someone but we'll leave it at that."
I know better than to question Ivan, so I keep my tongue bitten as to not press this "deal" issue too much right now. I am already aware there's probably ten thousand deep dark secrets he's hiding in that beautiful brain of his.
"Uh, okay," I tell him with basically no hesitation.
His face lights up and I see him bounce on his tippy toes for a split second. "Really?! You mean we're gonna move in together?"
I finish my cigarette and throw it on the sidewalk, smashing it with my shoe. I fight the urge to smile at Ivan's childlike happiness. My arms lock around his neck and I pull him into a hug. "Yes."
He puts his arms around my waist, rocking back and forth with me a few times, a couple passerby's giving us weird looks as we take up the entire sidewalk.
"You have no idea how excited I am to get out of that god damn house," Ivan says as his head is buried between my neck and shoulder.
I laugh at his enthusiasm, quietly adding, "I think I can accurately say the same."
I feel him back away from our hug, his hands pressing against my shoulders as he leans in and gives me a quick, soft kiss.
"Promise me that this 'deal' you mentioned is nothing illegal or something that will get us killed, more importantly," I say immediately after our lips part.
Ivan shrugs and our eyes stay locked. "It's nothing bad. Trust me. We're going to build a beautiful life here and get away from everyone. It's just gonna be you and me. Let's go check it out right now, hm?"
My stomach flops as we keep eye contact, his reassurance making me feel only a smidge better about this. I'm a mixture of sad, excited, happy, and now oddly anxious.
I want to run away with Ivan, though. I want to take this chance at finally developing some sort of familial foundation for myself. An apartment, with a boy I really like, a bed we can share and a kitchen table with two chairs. Everything I've always wanted from the moment I realized that other children were not going "home" to various families and crowded children's homes.
I am an adult after all. I'm capable of making my own decisions and ending one chapter in my life to start another - because this is what adults do.
"So, here we go," I think to myself as I grab Ivan's hand and we begin walking away from the familiar apartment. My backpack bounces against my back every so often, reminding me of what I'm leaving behind.
But it's all okay, I'm beginning a new chapter in my life.