ACT 1
SCENE 1
THESUS and HIPPOLYTA standing side by side in THESUS'S garden. THESUS has his arm around HIPPOLYTA's waist.
HIPPOLYTA: Such a wonderful day, isn't it?
THESUS: Yeah. Especially since I'm with you. (Pause) Four more days and we'll be together. (Sigh, complaining voice) It's such a long time. I want to get married already!
(PHILOSTRATE comes in, unnoticed, and admires the ornaments on the wall.)
HIPPOLYTA: Humph, complaining? Seriously, THESUS, you're a grown man. Get yourself together, you baby.
(THESUS opened his mouth to respond, but he was cut off by HIPPOLYTA.)
HIPPOLYTA: Besides, time will pass quickly enough.
THESUS: What do you mean by that?
HIPPOLYTA: Well, we spend half our time sleeping, and time doesn't pass when we're asleep. Plus I'll be in your dreams if you'll be in mine. You won't even know that time's passed before our wedding.
THESUS: (smiles, turns to PHILOSTRATE) PHIL, go check who else has responded to the invitations. I want to see whose coming. I do hope we get more fun people than the sentimental ones. I'd prefer if people cry after I torture them.
PHILOSTRATE: (scribbles in his notebook, bows) Yes, sir. (Leaves)
THESUS: (turns back to HIPPOLYTA) Have I ever told you, HIPPO, how much I—
HIPPOLYTA: Don't call me HIPPO. You make it seem like I'm obese.
THESUS: Fine. LYTA, have I ever—
(Someone knocked at the door.)
THESUS: (sigh, slightly irritated) Come in.
(EGEUS, HERMIA, DEMETRIUS, AND LYSANDER enter the scene.)
EGEUS: Good day, sir. (Pause) Was I interrupting something important?
(HIPPOLYTA and THESUS turn to them.)
THESUS: It's nothing. What can we do for you, EGEUS?
EGEUS: (Gestures to HERMIA) This is my daughter, Hermia. I want her to marry DEMETRIUS here. (Gestures to DEMETRIUS) He is a wonderful man, the ideal husband, even, but she doesn't want to marry him no matter what I tell her.
THESUS: I don't see any problem here.
HERMIA: But I don't want to marry Demetrius. I love Lysander! (hugs Lysander's arm)
EGEUS: LYSANDER is a useless man. He's nothing more than a pretty face and flattering words. No one can raise a family with hairdos and poems! If my daughter continues to refuse to marry DEMETRIUS, I'm afraid that I have no other choice than to have her executed or banished.
THESUS: (looks at HERMIA) Do you understand the situation, HERMIA? If you disobey your own father then you are going against my own wishes, and I am most certainly capable of sending you off to another land to live the life of a peasant.
HERMIA: (shakes her head) LYSANDER is just as good as DEMETRIUS, if not better!
THESUS: I would say the same, but your father likes DEMETRIUS, not LYSANDER.
HERMIA: Then my father can marry DEMETRIUS. I'll marry LYSANDER!
THESUS: You have until May Day to think about your decision, four days from now. HIPPOLYTA and I are getting married on that day. If you still decide to disobey your father, you'll suffer the consequences. (Turns to DEMETRIUS and EGEUS) DEMETRIUS, EGEUS, can we talk in private?
(HIPPOLYTA, DEMETRIUS, THESUS, and EGEUS leave the room.)
LYSANDER: (turns to Hermia) We can leave, HERMIA, my love. I have an aunt that lives far away from here. She'll hide us if we go to her. We can get married there, and nobody would be able to do anything about it.
HERMIA: (nods) What do I do?
LYSANDER: You know Cottingley Wood, right?
(HERMIA nodded.)
LYSANDER: Meet me there tomorrow night. You'll do that, right?
HERMIA: (smirks) Try and stop me.
LYSANDER: (grins) Great!
(The sound of footsteps were heard. HELENA came in.)
HERMIA: Oh! HELENA! What are you doing here, gorgeous?
HELENA: Don't lie to me face, HERMIA. If I was drop-dead gorgeous, DEMETRIUS might have loved me instead of you.
HERMIA: (shrugs) I don't know why he likes me, HELENA, I really don't. For some reason, no matter how much I dis him, the more I hate him, the more he loves me. It isn't my fault he's dense.
(Hermia looked warily left and right)
HERMIA: (whisper) Listen, LYSANDER and I will run away tomorrow. We'll be at Cottingley Wood, where you and I used to play when we were little. DEMETRIUS won't be seeing me again. No one will.
(HERMIA and LYSANDER start walking away)
HERMIA: (normal voice) Wish us luck. I hope things work out for you and DEMETRIUS.
(HERMIA and LYSANDER leave the stage.)
HELENA: (thinking out loud) If I tell DEMETRIUS that HERMIA'S eloping, maybe he'll finally notice me. Maybe he'll even realize how much HERMIA hates him and turn to me instead. (grin) How exciting!
SCENE 2
QUINCE, BOTTOM, SNOUT, SNUG, FLUTE, STARVELING are in QUINCE'S room in a circle. SNOUT is fast asleep.
QUINCE: Is everyone here?
BOTTOM: (sarcastically) Maybe you should do a roll call, like in college.
(Everybody groaned.)
FLUTE: College is an okay place to be when we're unemployed, if ask me. It's just that they tend to treat you like kids.
QUINCE: (rolls eyes, opens notebook) I have all your names here. When I say your name, say, "Present, sir."
BOTTOM: Why don't you just tell us about the gig you got us? The one at big-shot-THESUS'S wedding?
QUINCE: We're skipping the roll call then? (shrugs) Alright. We're performing The Most Lamentable and Tradgic Death of Pyramus and Thisbe.
BOTTOM: Snappy title. So who's playing who?
QUINCE: (looks at notebook, points at called person) Bottom, you're Pyramus.
BOTTOM: Who is he?
QUINCE: He's a lover. Dies heroically for love.
BOTTOM: So a person that makes the audience cry their eyeballs out? Well, I hope the guests bring lots of tissue because I've known for making stones cry!
QUINCE: FLUTE, you're Thisbe.
FLUTE: What's with him?
QUINCE: Her. She's Pyramus's love.
FLUTE: WHAT?! I can't be a girl! I just started growing a beard!
QUINCE: You'll be wearing a mask. You're good at pretending to be girl. We've seen you.
BOTTOM: I could be both Pyramus and Thisbe.
QUINCE: Ssh...! BOTTOM, you're Pyramus. FLUTE, you're Thisbe. No arguments. Now, STARVELING.
STARVELING: (raises hand) Here.
QUINCE: You're Thisbe's mom. SNOUT.
SNOUT: (tilts head) Yes?
QUINCE: You're Pyramus's father. I'll be Thisbe's father. SNUG?
SNUG: (jolts awake) Huh?
QUINCE: You're the lion.
SNUG: What's going on?
QUINCE: (closes notebook) Alright. That's all for today.
(SNOUT, BOTTOM, FLUTE, and STARVELING get up, preparing to leave.)
SNUG: Wait, what's going on?
QUINCE: See you all tomorrow at the woods to rehearse. Don't tell anyone. We don't want anyone knowing before the wedding. Now, (gets up) I'll make a list or props that we'll either steal or borrow. Learn your lines, everyone.
(Everyone except SNUG leaves the stage.)
SNUG: Guys, what's happening? Hey! Guys!
(SNUG hastily got up and left.)
ACT 2
SCENE 1
Near the palace of the Mafia Boss and his soon-to-be wife (Cause that's how mafia works), there lies a patch of forest that was known as Cottingley Woods.
There was an elf named PUCK that worked for KING OBERON. He was whistling when he walked into MOTH, who worked for QUEEN TITANIA.
PUCK: Oof! Watch where 'yer going, missy!
MOTH: You were the one who wasn't watching their path! What with all that whistling?
PUCK: Never mind! What's yer' business up in these woods anyhow?
MOTH: I'm awaiting TITANIA, Queen of Fairies! Now you, sir, what are you doing here?
PUCK: Golly, now this is gonna be a banger! You see, OBERON, King of Faeries is heading on up over here to camp and wait for the night to bless the new couple!
MOTH: Ah, really? I must- Oh, goodness, no! The Queen has arrived!
PUCK: Well, whad'ya know, The King's skiddadled his doodle over to the woods! This is gonna be one big mess of a reunion.
MOTH: No, No. I don't want to see the King and Queen fight again. As you said, it's going to be a mess! I'm leaving. Now.
(MOTH ran away as OBERON and TITANIA enter, the latter with her remaining servants. PUCK followed behind OBERON as he approached.)
OBERON: (Angrily) Dearest, TITANIA, is it fate that we meet under the rays of shining moonlight?
TITANIA: Oh wow, OBERON, just, wow. Your passive aggressiveness is unappreciated in the place of lovers' trysts.
OBERON: Wow yourself, TITANIA. I'm sure you know the reason for my unhappiness.
TITANIA: If it is a product of your jealousy then you see I will be the one who persists!
OBERON: Give up the child.
TITANIA: No, never!
OBERON: This Indian boy has sabotaged our relationship!
TITANIA: Why do you see my friend's son as such a bother?
OBERON: You will come back to me, and I will get that boy!
TITANIA: Our conversation is over, good day!
OBERON and TITANIA: I will be the victor in this petty little feud, you just watch and see!
(Flipping her hair, TITANIA left, servants following.)
OBERON: PUCK!
PUCK: Yes sir?
OBERON: Have I told you the tale of how cupid's arrow fell onto a blossom? It bloomed into a purple flower and young girls call it Love In Idleness. It blooms over there.
PUCK: M'lord, I know y'er mind and all the thoughts that are in it. To find that flower I'd go so far as to make the world stir.
OBERON: Very good, my loyal subject!
(PUCK left to do as he was told.)
OBERON: (to himself) TITIANA, you will regret the day you swore to protect that boy! I will make you love, and you will love a monster!
(As OBERON was speaking, DEMETRIUS and HELENA came in. OBERON hastily turned invisible and ran to a corner.)
DEMETRIUS: Wake up, HELENA, I don't love you and never will. My heart belongs to HERMIA.
HELENA: But I love you! HERMIA hates you!
DEMETRIUS: Leave! Return to the city with my rejections!
HELENA: DEMETRIUS, why must you break my heart?
DEMETRIUS: (annoyed) Why are you still here?
(The two continued bickering as they left.)
OBERON: What a pity. Such a shame. Such a pretty maiden with great love for a man that despises her so. I must help her!
(Puck came back, purple flowers in his hands.)
OBERON: I see you have the flowers.
PUCK: Yes sir! A bouquet!
OBERON: (takes half the boquet) I will take these to Titania. As for you, a pair of humans are in these woods, and the man doesn't love the woman. Drop some of the flowers' juice in his eyes, for I want him to return her love.
PUCK: Right away sir!
SCENE 2
At a different part of the forest, TITANIA is readying for a nap, servants busy all around her. OBERON hid nearby.
TITANIA: My dear fairies, sing to me and lull me to sleep.
(TITANIA'S servants surrounded her.)
FAIRIES:
"Oh Mary, contrary, how does your garden grow?
Come with me, and you'll be, the seventh maid in a row.
My answer was laughter, soft as I lowered my head,
You're too late, I'm afraid, this flower's already dead."
(TITANIA slept soundly as they finished. The fairies dispersed, doing various tasks. MUSTARDSEED was left to watch her queen, but she didn't notice OBERON come in as she was busy scrolling through Pinterest on her phone. The king painted TITANIA'S eyes.)
OBERON: When you wake, what you see is who you take to be your true love.
(He left without a trace.)
SCENE 3
In the forest, LYSANDER and HERMIA were resting and chatting.
LYSANDER: It's been a long day, HERMIA. We should probably get some rest.
HERMIA: Very well. I'll sleep here. Go find somewhere else to sleep.
LYSANDER: Can't we both rest on the bank?
HERMIA: Hello? Personal space. Ever heard of it? Don't worry. I'll see you tomorrow.
LYSANDER: (sigh) Fine.
(After LYSANDER and HERMIA found their resting places and bid each other goodnight, they fell asleep. That's when PUCK came in.)
PUCK: Ain't no other of these humans sight, so it must be them. Look at 'em, sleeping far apart and not all curled together like lovers would sleep. I'll give you a good dose of this magic, so you can see what's in front of you!
(PUCK crept over gently and dropped the magic juice on LYSANDER'S eyes. He grinned and left. Just then, HELENA came in.)
HELENA: DEMETRIUS? DEMETRIUS, where are you? Oh, he left me! (sobbing) How I wish I looked like HERMIA! With her sparkling eyes and long, beautiful hair to bedazzle him!
(HELENA notices someone lying on the ground near her.)
HELENA: LYSANDER? LYSANDER! (Shaking Lysander awake)
LYSANDER: (Slowly groans and wakes up before looking shocked at seeing HELENA; soft lovestruck voice) HELENA...Hello...
HELENA: LYSANDER, thank goodness you're here! I was so worried I would be alone in these woods!
LYSANDER: Why are you here? A pretty maiden like you shouldn't be in a place like this, my dear. (gets up)
HELENA: (Looks at him weirdly) LYSANDER, are you feeling alright? Should I call for help? DEMETRIUS can't be too far off. Maybe he'd still hear me.
LYSANDER: (realization) DEMETRIUS...you were here with DEMETRIUS...(furious) Where is he?! I'll kill that excuse of a man! I will listen to his painful pleas!
HELENA: What, why? Just because he loves HERMIA? Are you mad?
LYSANDER: HERMIA! Hah! No, HELENA. He can have her for all I care. I will do everything to protect you, maiden fair.
HELENA: What the—What is wrong with you? Did you hit your head? Do you have a mental disease?
LYSANDER: No, HELENA. I am sick in the soul. Sick with jealousy that you persist in loving that DEMETRIUS!
HELENA: (Angrily) You defied EGEUS'S wishes and ran away to elope in another land! Tell me how you could say that with such conviction, how dare you! (Disappointed) I thought you were better than this, LYSANDER.
(Helena got up and stomped away crossly.)
LYSANDER: (Gazes after HELENA and then looks to HERMIA not far from him; solemnly) HELENA didn't notice you were there, and from this moment forward neither will I! (Looks back where HELENA went) I'll follow you, HELENA, to the ends of the world!
(LYSANDER got up and left. Just then, HERMIA woke up from a nightmare.)
HERMIA: Snake! Get it off, get it off! (Comes to senses; looks to where LYSANDER was) LYSANDER? LYSANDER! (Gets up and looks around while shouting) LYSANDER! (Panicked) I'll find you, LYSANDER. Only death will stop me!
ACT 3
SCENE 1
TITANIA is still asleep as the drama club came into the woods, intent on practicing their play. The mortals ignored her as they didn't see her.
QUINCE: Is everyone here?
FLUTE: Yep.
BOTTOM: Why'd you pick this place again?
QUINCE: Are you kidding? It's a great place to practice! We have the short grass for the stage and a bush for the wings.
STARVELING: (reading the script) QUINCE?
QUINCE: Yes?
STARVELING: I have a problem with this script. A lot of people have a problem with using weapons, right? It says here that BOTTOM needs to kill himself with a sword. Someone might be offended.
QUINCE: Then let's have a disclaimer like, I dunno, "Don't use weapons at home?" (shrug) That should do it.
(FLUTE looked at QUINCE weirdly, like he was judging him.)
SNUG: But what about the lion? We might offend them. Lions don't really attack humans, but here we are, making them look bad in front of everyone.
QUINCE: Then let's have a disclaimer for that too. "We don't mean to offend the lions."
FLUTE: (looks at QUINCE skeptically) Seriously? Are you sure it's enough?
QUINCE: Anyway, I realized that we need something to represent moonlight when we'll be doing the thing inside. It's important because Pyramus and Thisbe meet in the moonlight. We also need someone to play the wall since we can't just drag a block of cement into Thesus's place.
SNOUT: What's so special about the wall?
QUINCE: Great, a volunteer! Snout, you be the wall.
Snout: Wait, I didn't—
QUINCE: Starveling, you be moonshine.
(Starveling nodded.)
QUINCE: Okay. Let's practice.
(BOTTOM stood on there make-believe stage while the rest sat in front of it. As BOTTOM began his lines, PUCK arrived at the scene.)
PUCK: (to himself) Huh? Who are these people? Why are they so close to TITANIA's bed?
(PUCK hid himself behind one of the bushes.)
BOTTOM: 'Tis I, Pyramus, my love! Let down your hair!
QUINCE: Wrong line, BOTTOM!
BOTTOM: But it's what the script says!
(QUINCE got up and walked to BOTTOM. He snatched the script out of BOTTOM's hands.)
QUINCE: What is this? It's not the right script, you donkey!
(QUINCE hit BOTTOM's head with the papers.)
QUINCE: We can't have a play for THESUS if we can't perform the same one!
PUCK: Oh, it's a play! I guess I'll just stay here for a bit longer to watch. (grins deviously) I might even do something...
QUINCE: Thisbe doesn't have long hair like Rapunzel!
BOTTOM: Says who?
QUINCE: Just go behind the bushes and try again.
PUCK: Now's my chance!
(PUCK walked over to the bush and cast a spell. He excitedly rubbed hands together.)
PUCK: This is going to be good.
(PUCK retreated to the corner of the stage with a grin. BOTTOM left the bushes. His head was that of a horse. The rest of the drama club freaked out.)
SNUG: (terrified) It's an alien! Aliens have taken over! Run!
(Snug fled the stage with Snout and Starveling.)
FLUTE: Holy cow! It's a horse!
BOTTOM: Where? (Looks for horse) Flute, where's the horse? You know I love horses!
FLUTE: ...BOTTOM? BOTTOM, is that you?
QUINCE: Obviously not, you idiot! Run!
(QUINCE grabbed FLUTE'S wrist and ran.)
BOTTOM: What's wrong with those guys? Oh well. They're probably just tricking me. Guess I'll just stay here a bit longer. Maybe they'll come back.
(BOTTOM began to walk around stage, singing.)
BOTTOM:
"There are days
I wake up and I pinch myself
You're with me not someone else"
(TITANIA began to wake up as BOTTOM sang.)
TITANIA: Huh? Whose voice wakes me from my nap?
(She looked at BOTTOM and instantly fell in love.)
TITANIA: (gasp) Would you look at that?
BOTTOM: "And I am scared, yeah, I'm still scared
That it's all a dream"
(TITANIA immediately got up and made herself known to BOTTOM.)
TITANIA: Please, sing once more! That voice of yours warms me to the core! You're the embodiment of perfection! Short, but perfection! My perfect imperfection! I love you so much, I'd never let you out of my clutch! (grips BOTTOM's wrist)
(BOTTOM gasped in shock.)
TITANIA: COBWEB, PEASEBLOSSOM, MOTH, MUSTARDSEED! Come to my heed!
(TITANIA's servants came to her call. All looked shocked to see TITANIA with BOTTOM, a man with a horse's head.)
TITANIA: I am this man's biggest fan! Treat him with upmost respect. He is flawless in every aspect! Give him something to eat. Maybe some leaves and meat. Decorate him with the blossoms of the finest kind, and be sure to bring back all the gems you find! (hugs BOTTOM's arm)
Mustardseed: (whispering to Cobweb) Why is her majesty so clingy to that mortal?
And why is she rhyming?
Cobweb: (whispering to Mustardseed) Do I look like I know the reason, Ketchupplant?
(Mustardseed looked offended.)
Moth: (irritated) What are you two talking about? TITANIA is our queen! We must serve her and her new love, no matter how disgusting and outlandish.
Peaseblossom: Wow. Just wow.
(The fairies dispersed to do various tasks, but all came back with flowers and gems to decorate him and food for him to eat. BOTTOM sighed in contentment. PUCK saw and heard it all with a grin.)
PUCK: (fist pump) Yes. King Oberon will be glad to hear about this.
SCENE 2
Oberon was pacing back and forth in his side of the forest, impatient.
Oberon: Where is that PUCK? I await his report! Have been for who-knows-how-long!
(PUCK came running, a grin on his face.)
Oberon: PUCK, What in the world took you so long?!
(PUCK bowed before his king.)
PUCK: Forgive me, your majesty, but I was busy with some things.
Oberon: Like...?
PUCK: (gets up) I turned a mortal's head into a horse and scared his friends. Then TITANIA woke up and fell for him immediately! She called her servants to take care of him, and you should have seen their faces, King Oberon! They were priceless!
(Oberon laughed gleefully.)
Oberon: Great job, PUCK! That went even better than expected! How about the other mortal, the one who treats the woman who loves him so much with hate?
PUCK: When he wakes up, he will give her so much love, she won't know what to do with it all.
Oberon: Fantastic! (stretches) Welp. It was a good night, if I do say so myself. Good job, PUCK. (puts hand on PUCK's shoulder)
PUCK: Thank you sir, but you were the one who came up the idea.
OBERON: Yeah, but you're the one who did half the work.
PUCK: Exactly. Half the—
(The sound of bushes rustling made OBERON and PUCK hide themselves in the corner. HERMIA and DEMETRIUS came out.)
OBERON: Ah, the man comes.
PUCK: Huh? That's the girl, but the man isn't him.
OBERON: What—?!
DEMETRIUS: Why are you mad at me? I love you! Save your anger for your enemy.
HERMIA: You are the enemy. You killed my dear LYSANDER!
DEMETRIUS: What are you talking about? I haven't even seen him since I got here.
HERMIA: (scoff) Of course you haven't seen him. (angry) STOP LYING TO ME! LYSANDER would never leave me while I was asleep.
DEMETRIUS: Look, I hate LYSANDER, but I promise, I didn't kill him.
HERMIA: (turns around and starts walking away angrily) Rubbish! Absolute rubbish!
(HERMIA left stage. DEMETRIUS stared at her direction in disbelief and annoyance. He shrugged with a huff and made himself comfortable and took a nap.)
OBERON: PUCK, you insolent elf, you juiced the wrong guy! Bring the other girl, I think her name was HELENA, here. Lie to her if you have to. I'll juice this man and make sure that HELENA'S the first one he sees, so he falls in love with her.
PUCK: (bows) Yes, sir. (leaves)
(OBERON walked over to DEMETRIUS and juiced his eyes. As he did that, PUCK returned.)
PUCK: I've found HELENA!
OBERON: (gets up) That was fast.
PUCK: The man I juiced is with her, trying to get her attention. (grin) KING OBERON, can we stay and watch? Mortals are so dumb it's hilarious!
OBERON: Ssh...! (turns invisible again) The noise to those two should be enough to wake DEMETRIUS up.
PUCK: Yeah. He'll fall for HELENA, then she'd have both guys after her. Such a tragedy, right sir?
(OBERON didn't look amused, but before he could scold PUCK, HELENA came in. He stepped aside to give her room. LYSANDER was on latched to her arm.)
LYSANDER: Why don't you believe me, HELENA, my love? Look, I'm crying for you, dove!
HELENA: (annoyed) Do I look like I'm falling for that nonsense, LYSANDER? Let me go! (yanks arm out of LYSANDER'S grasp) You love HERMIA! (crosses arms)
LYSANDER: I thought HERMIA was the prettiest in my eyes, I even asked her to elope with me, but surprise surprise, I realized how much better you are! You are my star!
(The noise they made woke DEMETRIUS.)
DEMETRIUS: Holy—Where are you been all my life, beautiful?! Never I have I seen a maiden so graceful!
(HELENA stood with her mouth agape.)
HELENA: Alright, you disgraceful men, cut it! Stop making fun of me. I get it, I'm the ugly one. Laugh. Haha. Good? Great. Now cut it.
(LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS looked at each other for a second, before jumping to their feet and glaring at each other.)
LYSANDER: Seriously, DEMETRIUS? Why are you doing this? Did you not say HERMIA gives you a sense of bliss? We were going to run away, but now she is yours to keep from this day. HELENA'S mine. My love for her is genuine.
HELENA: Are—you—kidding me? Just leave me alone! (stomps her foot angrily)
DEMETRIUS: Stick to your plan, LYSANDER. HERMIA is yours to pamper. Look, there she is now. (gestures to HERMIA coming from the forest) Be a gentleman, and stay true to vow.
(HERMIA looked at LYSANDER. The distress melted from her face.)
HERMIA: (smiling) LYSANDER! Where have you been? I'm so glad I found you! You know I could recognize your voice from a mile away, right? Why did you leave me?
LYSANDER: (annoyed, murmur) You just had to find me, didn't you? Even picked the wrong time to pop out of the blue.
HERMIA: Why wouldn't I? You said you love me, and you know I feel the same. We were going to leave together, weren't we? You wouldn't change your mind, would you?
LYSANDER: (turns to HERMIA, frowning) I hate you, HERMIA. There's no dilemma. I love HELENA, that's why I left. Now, be gone, pest.
HERMIA: (heartbroken, disbelief) You...You're lying.
LYSANDER: Do I look like I'm lying?
(HELENA looked at the three people in front of her she puffed up with irritation. She laughed.)
HELENA: So it's the three of you isn't it? You're all playing a game with me, aren't you? Well, joke's on you. I'm not falling for it. You're my best friend, HERMIA. I didn't think that you, of all people, would do something like this.
HERMIA: (looked at HELENA, confused) Wha—HELENA I would never do anything like this to you.
HELENA: I don't believe you. I have eyes you know. I could see each of you winking at each other. I could see you guys smiling beneath those plastic expressions of yours. I've had had enough of it. I'm off! (takes one step away)
LYSANDER: HELENA! (grips HELENA'S wrist) Don't go! I love you more than you know.
HELENA: You're all garbage.
DEMETRIUS: Don't listen to him, dear. I'm your true love, you hear?
HELENA: Oh my gosh, you guys really took it a step higher, didn't you? (pulls arm out of LYSANDER'S hands, points at HERMIA) Especially you, HERMIA. You're the worst of them all...midget.
HERMIA: (spluttering) Midget? Excuse me, Helena, but you're not so tall yourself, heightist. I may be shorter, but you're much thinner, you pathetic stick of spaghetti. Just so you know, I may be short, but I'm still tall enough to scratch your eyes out.
HELENA: (puts hands up in surrender) I'm done. (turns and leaves the stage, hands still in the air)
HERMIA: Yes, leave, offensive person.
(HERMIA left in the other direction while LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS followed HELENA. PUCK and OBERON popped up in the center of the stage.)
OBERON: You messed up, PUCK. Either that, or you did this on purpose to amuse yourself.
PUCK: (put hands in the air) I screwed up. I admit it. They all look the same. (smiles, puts down hands) I'm sorry, they were just so funny.
OBERON: Whatever. Listen, LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS are going to fight each other for HELENA'S hand. Someone might get hurt. Killed, even. I need you to create fog. Lots of it. Make it thick enough so that they don't see each other. Then you trick DEMETRIUS and LYSANDER by calling DEMETRIUS with LYSANDER'S voice and vice versa. They will try to hit each other, and when you do it enough times, they will be so tired and fall asleep. Put this (hands PUCK a canister) in LYSANDER'S eyes. It's the antidote for the love juice, so when he wakes up, he will be in love with HERMIA again. While you go do that, I will go to TITANIA and exchange the antidote with the Indian boy so that she won't be in love with the horse-headed monstrosity. She's under my spell, so she knows that she's being fooled, and I feel sorry for her. Anyway, one drop in each eye, and by morning, everything should be okay.
(PUCK nodded and left, OBERON going the opposite direction.)
ACT 4
SCENE 1
In the fog filled forest as night was approaching. In the middle of Puck's conjured up fog, LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS were punching the air blindly trying end one another. HERMIA and HELENA were separated.
LYSANDER: DEMETRIUS, you absolute fool! Where are you? Show yourself to me and fight me like a man!
PUCK: (imitating DEMETRIUS) Over here, you blind donkey!
LYSANDER: (Aggresively punches blindly) I'll get you, you imbecile! I'll rip your head off!
PUCK: Sure, after you grow a pair of...of eyes!
LYSANDER: What, you egg? What are you implying? (Screams and runs off stage shaking fist)
DEMETRIUS: (Runs onstage like a raging maniac) Coward! Stop hiding in the fog and show yourself! I'm just gonna pull your eyeballs out!
PUCK: (imitating LYSANDER) Nah I'm not feeling it. Thank you, next!
DEMETRIUS: I don't care if you want your eyes in place! You snivelling pile of pig dung, I'll get you! (Screams in pain as he punches a tree; continues to run on stage and punch air and things until he gets tired)
LYSANDER: (Enters stage, also worn out) You got lucky tonight, old man. I'll get you in the morning! (Lays against the trunk of a tree and falls asleep)
(DEMETRIUS was silently raging as he quietly lays on a patch of grass near LYSANDER and falls asleep. Meanwhile, HERMIA and HELENA wandered on set, unable to see their own feet, then give up and sleep on opposite sides of a rock, near Lysander and Demetrius.)
SCENE 2
TITANIA was leading BOTTOM and her servants through the woods. They came to a stop.
TITANIA: Sit here, my love from nowhere! Let me caress your cheek and braid blossoms into your hair!
(TITANIA and BOTTOM lay on the ground.)
BOTTOM: Where's PEASEBLOSSOM?
PEASEBLOSSOM: Right here!
BOTTOM: Scratch my head. Now where's COBWEB?
COBWEB: Yes?
BOTTOM: Go get me some honey, fresh from the hive. MUSTARDSEED?
MUSTARDSEED: How may I help you?
BOTTOM: Help with the scratching. My face feels horribly itchy! Like it's just full of hair, don't know why.
TITANIA: Would you fancy some music, dear? My fairies know some that are beautiful to the mortal's ear.
BOTTOM: Oh, certainly!
(The fairies set off to do various tasks. PEASEBLOSSOM and MUSTARDSEED start singing.)
PEASEBLOSSOM AND MUSTARDSEED:
"Hey, can't you see,
Our love springs?
Meant to be,
Please don't leave me~"
TITANIA: Would you like anything to eat? With an empty stomach, you may feel incomplete.
BOTTOM: I'm just crazy for some dry oats. And a bottle of hay would be just perfect!
TITANIA: Ah... I have a fairy who can get you some nuts instead, would that be alright?
BOTTOM: (Shakes his head) No, no, thank you! I'm rather tired all of a sudden, tell your fairies not to bother me while I take a nap.
TITANIA: Of course, of course. Leave us be, fairires!
(Fairies leave.)
TITANIA: (Plays with his hair or fur or whatever) I'm absolutely mad about you. Did know that, too?
(PUCK walked across stage, in front of everyone and breaking the forth wall. He carried a sign that said, "SOME TIME LATER". TITANIA curled up beside BOTTOM and fell asleep.)
OBERON: (Watching intently as PUCK arrives) Can you believe this? I was watching her fawn over that donkey headed freak some minutes ago. She was caressing his head and weaving flowers into his hair! When I mocked her for it, she just told me to bear with it! Asking all soft-like. She has to realize deep down she's absolutely nuts! Well, I asked her this time to give me the Indian boy, and she just gave him up! He's in my bower now, back in fairyland. (Takes out a vial) I'll be removing the spell. You better get rid of that donkey's head, too! None of them will remember a thing when they wake, part of the spell. That way they'll get home all fine and dandy.
(OBERON went to the sleeping couple and dropped the antidote into TITANIA'S eyes.)
TITANIA: (Wakes up) Ah, it's you. You know, I had the queerest dream that I fell in love with a donkey headed human! Of all things!
OBERON: (Smiles cheekily) Yeah, no. That wasn't a dream. Look beside you, dear.
TITANIA: Oh, goodness! (Stands up and away from BOTTOM quickly) How could this happen? With a hideous creature too!
OBERON: (Laughs) Never mind that. Let's play some music, might wake all these mortals strewn around the woods.
PUCK: A'ye, let them wake and see things through their own eyes! (chuckles)
OBERON: Let them rest. Tonight, let's celebrate the upcoming festivities, and tomorrow we head to Theseus' home and bless the newlywed couple. And see that these young'uns are married, too, to tie a nice knot in this bewildering story.
SCENE 3
HIPPOLYTA and THESEUS were strolling in the woods, EGEUS and PHILOSTRATE nearby. They see the four of the love square.
THESEUS: Who're these?
EGEUS: What the- It's my daughter! And here are LYSANDER, DEMETRIUS, and her friend HELENA! What are they doing out here?
PHILOSTRATE: They must have stayed up celebrating May Day and fell asleep here! EGEUS, wasn't it your daughter who had to decide whether she'd marry that DEMETRIUS kid?
EGEUS: (grimly nods) Yes, indeed.
THESEUS: So we must wake them and find out her decision.
(PHILOSTRATE and EGEUS went and woke the youngsters up. They promptly got up and dusted themselves.)
LYSANDER: I'm s-sorry, sir. We-
THESEUS: Aren't you and DEMETRIUS rivals? I'm curious, what events led to you sleeping within a foot of each other without attempting to murder the other?
LYSANDER: This is going to sound insane, but... (deep breath) I don't remember. HERMIA and I were going to meet to run away—
EGEUS: See! He admits it! He was going to rob DEMETRIUS of a wife, and me of a daughter!
DEMETRIUS: (Nods) Yes, I know. HELENA warned me and I came here to stop them, and then... (shakes his head) suddenly I just don't love HERMIA anymore. I love Helena now, and I'll love her forevermore.
THESEUS: (Shakes his head) Unbelievable. Sorry, EGEUS, but I believe some higher power must have been at work here. Darling, let's scrap this outing and go back to my- no, sorry- our palace and see these loving couples wed and have a party.
(THESUS, PHILOSTRATE, HIPPOLYTA, and EGEUS left.)
DEMETRIUS: Am I still dreaming, or did Theseus invite us to his palace to party?
HELENA: (dreamily) It all feels like a dream, me and DEMETRIUS.
LYSANDER: We did dream, I think, but I don't really remember.
HERMIA: Well, weddings were mentioned and I certainly did not dream that, so why don't we go to THESEUS's house and tell our dreams as we go?
SCENE 4
BOTTOM lay motionless on the ground.
BOTTOM: (Wakes up and groans) Agh, why am I here? Did the guys really just ditch me? (Yawns and rubs eyes, looks around and starts walking off stage) What a donkey I am, dreaming that I fell in love with a fairy queen! As if!
ACT 5
SCENE 1
The drama, excluding BOTTOM, are in QUINCE's room. Again, SNUG is fast asleep.
QUINCE: Any news on BOTTOM?
STARVELING: (shakes head) No one's seen him for days.
SNOUT: I've checked his house. He's not there.
FLUTE: Where could he be?
STARVELING: Do you think the aliens took him?
FLUTE: What? No! That's the craziest idea I've ever heard!
SNOUT: Well what do you suppose happened? People don't just vanish into thin air, FLUTE.
STARVELING: Do you think he got cold feet and bailed?
QUINCE: As much as I want to want to believe that, it's not like BOTTOM. In addition to that, I heard that another two couples are getting married today. It's not just THESUS and HIPPOLYTA now.
STARVELING: So we can't screw this up.
SNOUT: If we don't, we're goners for life.
FLUTE: Oh, come on! Did you have to say it?
QUINCE: (sigh) What do you think, SNUG?
(QUINCE got to no reply as SNUG slept on. QUINCE had an annoyed expression on his face. He pushed SNUG to the floor. SNUG woke up with a start.)
SNUG: Wha...?
QUINCE: Wake up, SNUG! This is serious!
SNUG: (sleepily) BOTTOM'S gone? Oh, um, yeah. Gone. Whatever. I'm going to go back to sleep.
(SNUG made himself comfy, on the floor this time and fell asleep.)
SNOUT: He's kidding, right?
STARVELING: What are we going to do now? We have to be at THESUS'S place soon, and BOTTOM's still not here.
(While STARVELING spoke, BOTTOM snuck behind the drama club.)
BOTTOM: Hey, guys! (jumps onto his feet from behind his friends)
(The drama club freaked out at the sudden appearance of their missing member. One of them fell on top of SNUG. SNUG woke up with a scream.)
SNUG: Hey! (pushes person off)
FLUTE: (jumps up) BOTTOM! (hugs BOTTOM) Where have you been? It's been days! What have you been doing? Why isn't your head a horse anymore? (releases BOTTOM)
BOTTOM: I didn't understand anything you just said, but things have been really, really weird lately. Anyway, I'm back, and the play's supposed to start soon, right?
QUINCE: Yep! You showed up just in time.
BOTTOM: Great! Everyone ready? Let's go, guys! (raises fist)
(The friends cheered, but SNUG wasn't sure what was going on, so he just copied what SNOUT was doing. On their way out, QUINCE kept SNUG in the room by holding his shoulder.)
SNUG: Do you need something, QUINCE?
QUINCE: SNUG, my throat's been hurting a bit lately, so I won't be able to say the disclaimer.
SNUG: So?
QUINCE: (jabs finger into SNUG'S chest) You're going to do it.
(QUINCE leaves while SNUG stood still in the center of the stage.)
SNUG: Wait... I'm going to do the... QUINCE! QUINCE, wait! Maybe we can still talk about this!
(SNUG runs out the stage, calling QUINCE'S name.)
SCENE 2
Everyone was celebrating the three newlywed couples. They were sitting in a big circle.
HIPPOLYTA: I don't believe you
LYSANDER: I know, it's crazy.
DEMETRIUS: Very.
(PHILOSTRATE walked over and called THESUS to the other side.)
PHILOSTRATE: Sir, you need to pick a play to be perform tonight. (hands THESUS a notebook)
THESUS: Um... This one. (points to one play) The Most Lamentable and Tragic Death of Pyramus and Thisbe.
PHILOSTRATE: Um...are you sure sir? That one's performed by amateur drama students.
THESUS: You told me to decide, didn't you? (threatening) Are you questioning my decision?
PHILOSTRATE: (averts eyes; nervously) No, sir.
THESUS: (normal) Good.
(THESUS turned his heel and walked to the stage.)
THESUS: Can I please get everyone's attention?
(Everyone quieted down.)
THESUS: (clears throat) I'm just here to say how happy I am. Today was the day I got married to my beloved HIPPOLYTA. (gestures to HIPPOLYTA) But not only that. Today, two other couples got married. I am happy for you all. (looks at HERMIA, HELENA, DEMETRIUS, and LYSANDER) To conclude tonight's festivities, I have chosen a play to be performed. I hope everyone is as excited as I am.
(THESUS concluded his speech with a bow and sat down. The drama club came to stage, led by QUINCE. The last one to enter was SNUG. QUINCE stepped forward.)
QUINCE: Good evening, everyone. I am QUINCE, leader of this fine club. I congratulate all the couples on their fateful day of marriage. (applause) Now, as a gift, my friends and will present the play known as The Most Lamentable and Tragic Death of Pyramus and Thisbe. I will play as Thisbe's father. (gestures to said person) BOTTOM here will play as Pyramus while our dear FLUTE will play as Thisbe. SNOUT will play as Pyramus's father as well as the wall while STARVELING will be Thisbe's mom and will double as Moonshine, they will be important later. SNUG here will be the lion. He will also be the one to say our disclaimers.
(QUINCE walked back to his line. For a bit, no one moves until STARVELING pushed SNUG forward.)
SNUG: Oh, right. Um. We don't mean to offend anyone in this play. We don't mean to offend the lions either. We are using real weapons here, so um, don't do this at home. Lions normally will not attack without being attacked first, so, um. Yeah.
(There was silence before SNUG timidly walked back to his group, where he received a pinch from STARVELING.)
QUINCE: Let us begin.
(The drama club scattered on stage. SNUG was the only one who went backstage. The play begun.)
(STARVELING was half hiding behind QUINCE while crying. QUINCE was shielding STARVELING and FLUTE from SNOUT and BOTTOM.)
QUINCE: Stay away from my wife!
SNOUT: Keep your daughter away from Pyramus, you scumbag!
BOTTOM: Father—
SNOUT: Hush, child. Let us make our leave.
(SNOUT left stage, and BOTTOM followed.)
QUINCE: (turns to his daughter) Thisbe, stay away from those men. Pyramus is much like his father. A traitor. A liar.
FLUTE: Father—
QUINCE: Stay away. My orders are clear.
(STARVELING, QUINCE, and FLUTE left stage as SNOUT entered.)
SNOUT: I am the wall. (hold up fingers) This is the crack in the wall.
(SNOUT positioned himself. BOTTOM came in from one side. He approached the crack.)
BOTTOM: (loud whisper) Thisbe. Thisbe, are you there?
(FLUTE came in from the other side and walked to the crack.)
FLUTE: Oh, Pyramus, my love. Our fathers may hate each other, but our love is unbreakable, yet here we are, unable to meet.
BOTTOM: Hmm... We could meet, you know. We can go to the cemetery. Tonight, go to there, near the former landlord's tomb under. We'll meet in secret.
FLUTE: Oh, Pyramus, you're so smart! Let's do it.
BOTTOM: I'll see you soon, my love.
(BOTTOM began to walk away from the crack.)
FLUTE: Yes, I will see you soon, Pyramus. (blows flying kiss)
(SNOUT, BOTTOM, and FLUTE left the stage. STARVELING stepped forward. He carried a lamp.)
STARVELING: I am Moonshine. (moves to the corner, holding up the light)
(FLUTE entered.)
FLUTE: Pyramus? Pyramus, where are you?
(SNUG stepped forward on all fours. His face had lines on it, like whiskers, and a reddish smudge was around his mouth.)
SNUG: Rawr.
FLUTE: Oh no! A lion! (screams and runs away, dropping a cloth)
(As FLUTE left, BOTTOM came in.)
BOTTOM: Thisbe? Thisbe, my love, are you here? (his eyes fell on the cloth, not far from SNUG) Huh? Oh no! That's Thisbe's handkerchief. The lion has eaten Thisbe! Without my love, my life is worthless.
(BOTTOM brought out a knife and stabbed himself in the heart. He dramatically fell to the ground as SNUG left the stage, leaving BOTTOM to his 'death'. After a few moments, FLUTE returned. He saw BOTTOM on the floor, 'lifeless'.)
FLUTE: (heartbroken) Oh goodness! Pyramus! What has happened? (picks up knife) Why did you kill yourself? Oh, Pyramus! I shall kill myself too!
(FLUTE stabbed himself and fell to the ground next to BOTTOM. QUINCE stepped forward. FLUTE and BOTTOM were still on the ground, and STARVELING was in the corner.)
QUINCE: Pyramus and Thisbe's blood spilled onto the fruits of a nearby mulberry tree, turning them dark. The gods pitied them and made the berries a dark color, in honor of their love. That concludes our play. (bows)
(The audience clapped their hands in applause. QUINCE left the stage, kicking his two friends still on the ground, startling them. The drama club left the stage. DEMETRIUS got up.)
DEMETRIUS: It seems that that was the end. Now is the time to go to bed, my friends. Let us make our leave, HELENA, my wife. (helps HELENA up, yawn) I'm so exhausted I could sleep for life. Good night, everyone. I am so done.
(HELENA and DEMETRIUS left.)
LYSANDER: Why does DEMETRIUS keep busting out into rhyming?
HERMIA: (shrug) I don't know, but he's right. We should get some sleep.
(LYSANDER and HERMIA got up. They bowed at THESUS and HIPPOLYTA.)
HERMIA: Good night, sir, ma'am.
HIPPOLYTA: Sweet dreams, hon. (smiles)
(HERMIA and LYSANDER left.)
THESUS: We need sleep too, HIPPOLYTA. Let us go to bed.
(HIPPOLYTA nodded. She and THESUS got up and left. The place was a mess. There was trash everywhere. PUCK came in, carrying a broom. He began to clean the area, TITANIA'S servants soon coming in to help. Just as they were wrapping up, OBERON and TITANIA came in.)
OBERON: The couples have been blessed.
TITANIA: They will have a future as bright as their dreams. (happy sigh) Today was a good day. I can't wait for the baby shower. Could you, OBERON? (latches onto OBERON)
OBERON: Let us make our leave, everyone. We must also get some sleep.
(TITANIA and OBERON left, followed by TITANIA'S servants. PUCK was about to leave when he whirred around and walked to the audience.)
PUCK: Hey, guys. So we all know that was the craziest thing you have ever seen. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. It was great, right? Well, now that it's all over, please pretend that all that never happened. This was all just a dream. You remember nothing. Go back to your classroom and listen to your teacher. Good? Alright, bye, kids.
(PUCK turned and left.)