I lie in my bed, my tears falling sideways in the direction of my pillow. My knee is ripped open from when I fell and it's probably still bleeding, but I don't care.
The pain in my heart makes the pain in my knee feel like nothing.
I scroll mindlessly through the Instagram page unsaidphrases, reading the most heart wrenching phrases and quotes my eyes have ever absorbed.
Sofie is sitting on her bed on her laptop, whistling.
"Just let me know when you're ready to address your true feelings," she says.
I ignore her, stopping on a quote that makes my heart feel like it's being ripped from my chest.
What if someone who is so constant suddenly disappears out of your life? Maybe that why I don't like getting attached. I don't like the idea of giving someone the power to destroy my heart by choosing to walk away. I want to guard my heart. I want to save myself.
I bury my head in my pillow and start crying harder.
"What if everything changes?" I cry. "What if we're not friends anymore?"
"That won't happen." Sofie says without looking up from her computer.
"Why?" I sniffle.
"Because you love Liam, too."
I don't respond.
I don't love Liam.
As least, I don't think I do.
It's been three hours. How is he doing?
I peek out from my blanket to look at Sofie.
"Is Liam okay?" I ask.
"No idea. You should call him."
"I hate you so much." I tell her.
"No you don't, you hate the way you feel and you're angry at me because you know I'm right, you're just afraid to admit it."
I mean, me and Liam? That's absurd. I don't look at him like that. He's just...Liam. He's my best friend. He's the best person in my life.
And he's a good hugger.
He's a really good hugger.
I could really go for one of Liam's hugs right now.
The thought of Liam being here with me and hugging me makes me start crying again.
"Let's listen to some music." Sofie says happily. She clears her throat, "Alexa?"
The blue ring on her speaker lights up. "Play my playlist on spotify."
Alexa pauses. "Which playlist?" she asks Sofie.
"Savannah's in love with Liam, she just doesn't know it yet."
Her ring flashes blue a couple of times, and then the song Jealous by Labyrinth comes on.
"Dude, want to see my slideshow I made?" Sofie asks.
It could distract me from Liam.
"Sure." I sniffle, forcing myself to sit up.
I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
Sofie turns her computer towards me and hits play.
The first picture is of Liam. I took it two months ago when the four of us were messing around on campus with water guns. The picture was taken inside, before the water gun fight started. He's holding it with his right hand and he's wearing a blue t-shirt with buttons and the sleeves are rolled up past his elbows.
"Stop." I tell Sofie immediately. "And turn this shit off." I point to Alexa.
"I'm not stopping any of it until you admit your feelings for Liam."
"I don't have feeling for Liam!" I snap at her.
"Yes you do." She says. "That's why you don't like Aubrey and that's why you don't like Maria. You're fine with me and Liam being friends, but not Aubrey or Maria. Why is that, hmm?"
"Because I know you." I snap at her.
"But what about his partner in science? You don't know her, but you're fine with them."
"Well she has a boyfriend," I shrug.
"Why does it matter if she has a boyfriend or not if you don't love Liam?" she asks.
"Because."
"Because why?" she presses.
"Because I fucking said! Leave it be!"
I look back at Sofie's laptop and see a picture I took of Liam. He's laughing with his hand on his face and he's wearing a navy blue long sleeve shirt that shows his muscles.
"Just imagine for a second that you and Liam actually become a thing. What's the worst that can happen?"
"We could break up and never be friends again."
"Do you honestly thing he would let that happen? Savannah, you wouldn't even let that happen." She says gently.
"But I don't like him that way." I shake my head.
"Yes you do." She whispers. "You're always telling him you love him. You get sad when you don't see him, and when you do see him, you guys hug every time, and the hug lasts a lot longer than ours does." She gestures between the two of us. "You look for him when he's not around. You smile when he is around, and you fall asleep with your head on him all the time. You grab his hand and pull him somewhere, get jealous every time he's with anybody or giving his attention to anybody other than you."
"No I don't." I mumble.
"Yes you do." She says. "You're in love with Liam."
"I'm not." She sighs.
"Let's think ahead." She says. "You're graduated and you're a nurse now. Liam's an architectural drafter. You two are hanging out as friends at a bar and Liam meets a girl while he's with you. You're sitting beside him at the table, but he's laughing and talking to the other girl. He puts his hand on her hand. He still hangs out with you, but his feelings for you start to fade and turn into feelings for the other girl. Every time you hang out, she's there and they're kissing and touching. And then he proposes, and she says yes."
I look down.
"And they get married, and you're his best man, even though you're not a man, and you watch him say I do with the girl from the bar. You watch him share his first kiss with her as husband and wife. They go on a honeymoon, and they come back all tan and happy. They buy a huge house, the kind of house Liam always wanted. They adopt a dog, and a few months later, Liam comes over and his wedding ring is shining, and he tells you she's pregnant. They're having a baby, and he wants you to be the godmother."
I bite my lip and she lowers her voice.
"They invite you to family dinners and Christmas and you watch their kids open presents from Santa, and she's sitting in his lap, and he's happy, but you're still alone because you're still afraid of committing."
Tears slide down my cheeks, and when I look up, she has tears in her eyes.
She walks over to me and puts her hands on my shoulders.
"If I explained this same scenario with Mason or Aiden, you wouldn't care, but when I explain it to you about Liam, you start crying. You love him, Savannah, and you know it, don't you?"
The thought of Liam happy with another girl makes me feel sick.
I drop my head into my hands and start crying again.
"It's okay to be afraid." Sofie whispers, rubbing my back. "But it's not okay to let that fear run your life."
I sniffle multiple times and wipe at my eyes, but the tears just keep coming.
"You're in love with Liam," she whispers, squeezing my hands.
I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling, my tears sliding down the side of my face.
"I'm in love with Liam," I mumble.
_________
OMFGBIUGBWOVBWO
~Sam