We woke up completely tangled in each other's arms and legs. Even our fingers were intertwined.
"Morning." Ben said when I finally opened my eyes. He was propped up on his elbow, looking at me intently.
"Have you been watching me?"
He smiled and looked up at the clock on the wall, "Only for half an hour."
"You've been staring at me for half and hour?" I turned to face him, keeping my hand over my mouth, for fear of morning breath.
"Did you discover anything interesting?" I asked.
He shrugged, "Nothing I didn't already now.'
"Like what?"
"Just how beautiful you are."
I bumped him playfully with my arm. I still wasn't used to the constant flow of his compliments. "Thanks."
"Time to get up. We have a big day ahead of us."
"What big day? We didn't plan anything today, did we?" But then I remembered the so-called strange, mysterious night that Ben kept alluding too.
"I'm taking Li to the zoo today. She's currently obsessed with polar bears and I promised I would take her to see one." Ben climbed out of bed and searched the floor for his clothes. "I'd love you to come."
"Uh... isn't it a work day?"
"It's Youth Day today. Public holiday."
I nodded. I'd totally forgotten about that.
"So let's be kids and eat cotton candy at the zoo and spend the whole day together having a great time."
"I don't know, Ben. It feels weird."
"What about it is weird?"
"How should we act in front of her, now that we're....?"
"Dating?" Ben sighed and placed a hand on my shoulder. "For now. Just friends," he said, moving his hand up to my cheek and smiling, "but as soon as you confess your undying love for me, and I sign those joint custody papers, I'll stand on the rooftop and shout it to the world with a loudhailer."" He nudged me and I nodded.
We'd spent the previous evening deliberately not talking about all the complicated stuff. I'd almost forgotten it existed.
"I really want you to get to know Li properly. She's a massive part of my life, and I want you to be a part of my life, too. A big part."
"You're so confident about this...about us." I gestured at the space between us. "We've only known each other for a few weeks and you seem so sure. How?"
There was that strange look again, and I wasn't sure at all how to interpret it.
"I'll tell you tonight."
I sighed loudly and shook my head, "What the hell is so special about tonight, Ben?"
Ben just winked at me playfully, "I told you already—"
I cut him off. "Yeah, yeah I'm going to confess my undying love to you, yada, yada, yada ..."
Ben's playful smiled faded. Suddenly he looked serious.
"What?" I sat up quickly, concerned by the rapid, shift in his demeanor.
"Sera." His voice sounded very strange, and I wasn't sure I liked it. "When I didn't tell you about Li and Mei, it was manipulative. I was trying to get you to go out with me under false pretenses. I didn't let you decide for yourself whether you wanted to. This time, ... I'm not going to do that." He tucked a loose tendril of hair behind my ear and continued, "Spend a whole day with Li and I, and then see how you feel about me after that because I'm a package deal...."
He paused.
"You gave me one date, now give me one more day and experience the other side of my life. If you feel like it's all too much, you can tell me tonight. But after today, you'll have the full picture to make your decision."
"Fine. But you do realize I need to change out of these clothes."
***
Ben dropped me at home and went to fetch Li. I walked into my bedroom and peeled off the clothes from last night and climbed into a bath. I was more nervous about spending a day with Ben and Li than I had been for our date the night before. It still hadn't dawned on me entirely. Perhaps it was because I was still in so much shock, but Ben had a daughter—An actual living, breathing female human being. A small human girl child.
Ben was a package deal. Dating Ben meant inheriting a small person—a very cute one, mind you. But it also meant inheriting an ex-wife. Mei would always be in his life—in our lives—and, whether I liked her or not, she would always be Li's mother.
I started to play the movie out in my head... the big one. If Ben and I ever got married, I would become a stepmother. JJ and Bruce would kind of inherit a step-grandchild—oh God, they would be beside themselves with hysterical excitement. Just imagine the costumes. This wasn't just getting into a relationship with a guy I liked. And I did like him... maybe more than like. This was big.
"You missed your curfew last night!" I head JJ call from outside the bathroom door.
"Sorry dad!" I joked.
"It's too late for sorry's young lady. You are grounded. No cell phone, no TV, no boys..." I heard JJ roar with laughter, "God, I have always wanted to say that! Thanks."
"Pleasure," I shouted through the door."
"Sooooooooo?" Hi dragged out the 'o' for added effect, and I knew exactly what he was asking about.
"No. We didn't." I said standing up and wrapping a towel around me.
"God you have a filthy mind, that's not what I wanted to know about."
"Really?" I opened the door and eyed him suspiciously. "Then what do you want to know?"
JJ walsed around my room for a while, I guess trying to drum up some dramatic theatrical beat before he dropped the question. Then he sat on my bed and crossed his leg. "Are you totally, madly in love with the guy yet?"
An instant bolt of heat rushed through me and scorched my cheeks. "Uh..." I reached up and touched them, no doubt they were as red as JJ's lipstick. "Why does everyone keep asking me that?"
I grabbed a hand towel, flipped my head down and fastened it around my wet hair, trying to hide my schoolgirl flush.
"Who keeps asking that?"
"You and..." I paused and the heat rose at the mere thought of him. "Ben. Ben keeps asking me if I'm in love with him yet. In fact, he thinks I am going to "confess my undying love to him tonight", I stuck my hands in the air and started gesturing wild hair quotes, "I mean, have you ever? Have you ever heard of anything more presumptions, and egotistical and weird, I mean, who says stuff like that and it's also totally ridiculous and —"
"So you are going to confess your undying love to him then?" JJ interrupted me and before I could think about it, the words came out.
"Probably." I nodded and a massive smile swept across my face. "Yup. I'm in love with him. Despite all my better judgment. I'm in love with the weirdest man I have ever met!" I put my hands on my hips and shook my head while JJ laughed. "Am I mad? After everything he's done, and the lies and the child and cheating and and and..."
JJ shot up and smiled at me mysteriously as he sashayed to my door and exited.
"What?" I shouted after him, "Aren't you going to say anything?"
I stuck my head out the door and watched him swish down the passage- he never walked. "Seriously, the one time I actually need advice you aren't going to dispense with it?"
"You don't need any advice. You already know exactly what to do, it's written all over your face! It's been written all over your face since that night in the car with him."
"Really?" I reached up and touched my cheeks and smiled to myself. He was right. I did know what I wanted to do. I knew what I wanted, more than anything. And that was Ben. Ben and all the complications he came with.
I was totally in love with him. It had taken me by surprise and sneaked up on me when I wasn't looking for it, but it had happened and I couldn't wait to tell him.
**
I couldn't remember the last time I'd been to the Zoo, certainly never with anyone as enthusiastic as Li. She ran ahead of us, skipping with excitement. She squealed and jumped as she watched the elephants getting fed and made funny faces at the playful monkeys swinging from the branches. She did a Happy Feet dance when she saw the penguins and when we finally got to the polar bears, she educated me about the nature of their fur.
"It's not really white, silly. It just 'reflectionerates' its 'arroundings'," she instructed—Who knew? Pretty impressive for a six-year-old, but I understood where it came from as each sentence was qualified with, "my daddy told me that."
Ben nodded at me with a tiny smile. "True story. It's amazing how perfectly adaptable they are," he said, suddenly sounding like a cute science nerd.
The whole day felt so right. Something about the three of us just clicked and it was as if we'd known each other for ages. We all just fit.
As I watched Ben walking in front of me with Li bouncing happily on his shoulders, another realization dawned on me: this was what I'd always wanted. A sense of family. Togetherness. Unconditional love from a father like Ben.
I wiped away a tiny tear as I watched father and daughter laughing together. They were eating cotton candy and a sticky piece had gotten stuck to Ben's nose and Li giggled hysterically as she pulled it off. It was a true Hallmark moment. They were officially the front cover of a bestselling father's day card. A cute video that would no doubt beat all the fluffy kittens playing with balls of string to go viral.
And when Li declared that I was her best friend, I secretly wiped away another tear. Everything about the day was making me feel so emotional. I looked up, and found Ben smiling at us. He was smiling at me, as if he'd known me his entire life and I was part of his world already. A world he had invited me to be apart of.
A pang of anxiety hit me. I still hadn't told him anything about me. He'd risked it all by opening up to me, and I owed him the truth. So I decided right there and then, that I would tell him everything—tonight. Just as he'd predicted.