Based off of my own experiences with anxiety, and dedicated to anyone who has ever dealt with anxiety.
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All that I know is I'm breathing/
All I can do is keep breathing/
All we can do is keep breathing/
Now.
*****
Fact: Anxiety is a little bitch.
I gasp loudly as my body jolts itself awake and I am drenched in a cold sweat. I can feel my heart practically pounding out of my chest, and it takes a few minutes before my breathing finally begins to even out. It was just a dream, I'm gonna be okay.
I repeat it like a mantra until the apprehension fades away.
I'm not the type to have anxiety-induced nightmares or panic attacks, but I'm only human. There are moments when my mind goes into overdrive, especially when I'm alone.
Normally, I would call my fiance to talk through the panic. Even if it's the middle of the night, Sean usually ends up coming and sleeping over, insisting that I shouldn't be left alone when I'm feeling so anxious. But this time, I don't want him to know why I'm having these sudden, recurring anxiety-induced nightmares; he had just committed to a weekly teaching spot at TMilly that begins at the same that I was set to leave for Australia for two weeks to tour with Tricia.
I also didn't want him, or anyone, to worry about me anymore - these past few months, I've finally been feeling a lot better.
I assured him that I was ready to fly by myself again, but I guess not. I used to love to travel. I must have said a thousand times that my dream destination has always been Australia.
But ever since my brother Devon died almost two years ago, I've developed this irrational fear of flying. While he was away on deployment, his helicopter was shot down. There were no survivors.
*****
One Year Ago
We were walking on the boarding bridge on to the plane when I was hit with this sudden wave of intense uneasiness and I suddenly couldn't find the oxygen to breathe.
"Sean." I said suddenly, grabbing his arm. "We need to turn around now."
"What?" He turned around to look at me, a neutral look in his eyes quickly morphing into panic. He moves us to side to let others pass. He sees my body shaking, gasping for air. "Kayc! Kaycee, what's happening?!"
"I-I don't know! Sean, I'm scared! I feel like m-my chest is going to e-explode!" I try to calm myself down by hugging myself, but nothing is working. "Sean..." I whimper out to him for help, but I know that he doesn't know how to.
He reached out to hold me tightly, not knowing what else to do. "Can someone please help?!" He yelled out.
Luckily, a flight attendant nearby had heard us and rushes over. "What's going on? How can I help?"
"I think I'm having a heart attack. I can't feel anything, I can't breathe." I managed to choke out in a tearless sob. I was hugging my body, trying my best to elicit any sort of sensation but I felt numb everywhere. The only things I was aware of was the feeling of my heart painfully pounding in my chest and my lungs begging for air. "I think I'm going to die. P-please take me to the hospital."
Poor Sean was panicking and had no idea what to do. He broke down crying the moment they took me out of his arms and had me lay on the gurney. We were both terrified, but Sean did his best to comfort me during the entire ambulance ride to the emergency room.
"I've got you, Kayc. You're going to be okay. Don't you dare die on me." He would whisper to me through tears, squeezing my hand. With the oxygen mask over my face, I could only softly whimper in reply. I wanted to wipe away the tears on his face, but my body felt numb and I couldn't move.
When we arrived at the hospital, the ER staff immediately began running an EKG tests on me, only for the results to come back normal. When they ran blood tests, my blood enzymes came back normal. They ran more tests and everything came back normal. I felt anything but that.
"I don't understand. What's the problem then?" Sean asked. He was seated on the side of my hospital bed, hand resting on my thigh. We were both exhausted, too worried to sleep for even five minutes.
"According to all the test results, Ms. Rice is perfectly healthy." The doctor explained to us.
"Bullshit." Sean retorted. Sean was never one to cuss, but clearly the lack of sleep was beginning to get to him. "If you had seen her at the airport this morning, then you would know that there is something wrong with her. This has never happened to her before. She couldn't breathe, she thought she was going to die! You can't just send us home without helpi-"
"Sean..." I interrupted, rubbing his back to calm him down. "Let the doctor finish explaining."
The doctor clears his throat. "While Ms. Rice's heart is perfectly healthy, her symptoms that she experienced earlier are also that of an anxiety attack. It's not uncommon for people to believe they are having a heart attack when they are actually having an anxiety attack."
Sean and I were quiet for a moment. He turned to look at me as if he were waiting for some kind of response but I didn't know what to say.
"That being said, I would like for you to talk to the resident psychiatrist so we know the best way to proceed." The doctor explained.
"What?" I asked incredulously. "Do I have to?"
"We cannot force you to speak with her, but I strongly advise you to. You're not considered a high risk psych patient, so you will not be involuntarily admitted if you refuse treatment. However, you just experienced your first anxiety attack. There's a high chance that you will experience one again, so you have to take the necessary steps to take care of your mental health."
My heart sank and I could almost feel Sean's heart sinking with mine.
"This is... a lot for me to handle right now. I would just like to go home and talk to her another day." I weakly replied before looking up at Sean. "Is that okay?"
He brought my hand to his lips and kissed my palm. "Of course. Let's get you out of here."
The Uber drive home was quiet. I leaned into Sean's side the whole ride, my head resting against his shoulder. He had his arm protectively wrapped around my head, and would randomly kiss my temple throughout the drive.
When we got to my apartment, I went straight into my bed and curled up into a ball under the covers. Sean quietly placed our luggage away before joining me in bed. He laid on his side, one arm being used to prop his head up and the other was comfortingly stroking my shoulder. My back was turned to him.
"What's on your mind, Kayc?"
I let out a shaky breath before turning to face him. "When the doctor told me that I should speak to the psychiatrist, I felt like... a crazy person. Which is a terrible thing to think, because seeing a psychiatrist doesn't mean anyone's crazy. But I just felt so out of control and my mind even feels a little crazy... It's hard for me to feel like I'm not."
My voice was cracking as I explained, fighting off the urge to cry that I felt building in my throat.
Sean gently pulled me in so that I could lay my head on his chest. "You're not crazy, Kayc. Everyone needs a little help and there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist or psychiatrist. But whatever you need to help you get through this, I'll be here for you every step of the way."
"You always are." I said, reaching up to to kiss his cheek.
"Well, I plan on being here for you forever, remember?" He chuckled, before taking my left hand and admiring the ring on my finger. He tenderly brings my hand to his lips before placing a kiss on my knuckles.
I sighed, half in contentment with just being with him, half in exhaustion. "I never want to leave this bed. Everything feels a lot better, a lot easier, when we're just laying here together. Can you sleep over tonight?"
"Was already planning on it." He laughed. "I know you want to wait until we're married to officially live together, but I would happily have you move in with me tomorrow if you changed your mind."
A soft giggle escaped my lips. "I know, I can't wait to live together either. I just want to save the experience of officially living together until we're actually married."
"I know, love. I'm just getting worried about you. Ever since Devon, you haven't been yourself lately. And now you've had a massive anxiety attack. I want to be able to take care of you whenever you need it. I'm a little scared of what happens when you're left alone."
I appreciated where Sean was coming from, but his words only made me feel worse. "You're afraid to leave me alone? Why? You really think I'm crazy, don't you?"
I watched his eyes widen in shock. "Kayc, no. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like that. All I'm trying to say is that you're not okay and I want to be there-"
"I'm not okay?" I interrupted, hurt laced in my voice.
"Kayc." He begun gently, and looked at me seriously. "I'm not going to lie to you: I don't think you're okay right now..."
Sean continued on, saying things about how it's okay to not be okay, but his words fell on deaf ears. For the first few weeks following my initial anxiety attack, I was in deep denial about the status of my mental wellbeing, refusing to seek help and admit that there was a problem. Sean spent countless nights staying over and taking care of me, making sacrifices for me as I continued to suffer from panic attack after panic attack. Each time I had one, it was the same scenario: I was convinced it was a heart attack and I was going to die. Sean tried his best to talk me down and explain that it was an anxiety attack, but I was too caught up to listen to him.
Basically, I spent a month in and out of the hospital, convinced that I was going to die.
After the fourth trip to the ER, I came home with Sean to find my family and close friends waiting for us in my apartment.
"Honey, we're very worried about you. Sean's been telling us that you're not taking care of yourself." My mom started.
"We all love you and we want what's best for you." Tahani chimed in.
"We're not here to force you to do anything you don't want to do. We're just here to let you know that we love you and support you." My dad added.
"Of course, we all think seeing a therapist is beneficial... but we're here for you for whatever you need." Bailey said.
"I had to see a therapist too when we lost Devon, Kayc. It's helped me to cope with the loss and grief; it could help you deal with yours too, especially if it's triggering these sudden anxiety attacks." Kylie said through tears.
I looked around the room and saw how my mental health not only affected me, but my loved ones. I took in the demeanor of everyone I loved in the room: my family tearfully looked at me, silently pleading for me to seek help so they wouldn't lose another child; my two best friends Tahani and Bailey, who I have pushed away these past few weeks so I wouldn't worry them, still ever loyal and loving; Josh, Julian, and Chloe, though they have been silent during this "intervention," their presence and friendship had been a constant in my life and their absence would have been heavy.
And finally, my eyes fall on Sean, who had been fighting back tears. His eyes penetrate mine, practically begging me to seek help because I know that even though he loves me and would do anything for me, he cannot do this alone.
I take a deep breath. I am afraid, but I have to do this, not just for myself and my own well-being, but for every single person in this room who loves me. And especially for the man who I promised forever to.
"Okay." I said, tears beginning to fall. "Tomorrow, I'll call the psychiatrist and set up an appointment. I love you all. I'm sorry for putting you all through this, especially you Sean."
They all pulled me into a giant group hug, everyone telling me not to apologize.
"You have nothing to apologize for, Kayc. This isn't your fault. Anxiety's a monster to deal with. We all just want to be here for you, and get you the help you need." Sean says, kissing my head.
Everyone in the room agreed and begun to tell me how proud they are of me. The overwhelming love and support in the room only made me cry harder.
Anxiety may be a bitch, but I was one lucky girl to have such a great support system.
*****
Present Day
"Kayc? Wake up, angel."
I stir and let out a small groan. "What?"
Sean looks down at me with an amused expression on his face, sweat glistening all over his face. "You fell asleep."
I sit up and stretch out the fatigue in my body. I look around and remember that I was supposed to meet Sean at TMilly Studio for some feedback on choreography he had planned for his upcoming classes. I must have fallen asleep against the wall.
"I'm so sorry Sean! I didn't mean to fall asleep on you like that. How long was I out for?"
"No worries, Kayc. And not that long - about 20 minutes." He took my hand, pulling me up. "Actually, you've been looking really tired lately. Have you been sleeping okay?"
"I haven't been sleeping the best." I admit, not having the heart to completely lie to him. "But it's nothing to be alarmed about. It's probably just nerves about the trip."
He raises an eyebrow. "Are you sure you're okay? How's your anxiety? Do you want me to come with you? Because I've told you a thousand times, it's not a problem to reschedule these classes. Tim said that-"
"Sean, it's okay!" I giggle. "Please, don't worry. I'm fine. You've done so much for me this past year. You have been the most incredible fiance a girl could ask for. I want you to focus on yourself right now. Everyone is so excited for your month of classes, myself included. I'm so proud of you."
I kiss him softly and I feel him smile against my lips.
"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm the lucky one?" He replies. He pulls me into a hug and buries his face in my hair. "But seriously Kayc, if you aren't feeling okay, tell me right away. You're never a burden to me. Your problems are my problems too. You're flying for the first time since Devon, since your first anxiety attack and it's without me there. I know everything's under control now but that doesn't mean I'm never not concerned about you."
"I know." I reply, rather weakly. I know that he can tell that I'm hiding something but I also know that he trusts me enough to tell him when I'm ready, so he doesn't push the subject any further.
It's one of the endless reasons why I love him so much - he knows my mind and respects how it works, no matter how frustrating I can be.
"So... dinner? I was thinking sushi." He grins.
"Sounds perfect." I smile.
*****
Nightfall slowly and surely creeps in on us and I find myself alone in my apartment.
Despite a wonderful evening spent with the love of my life, I know that I'm in for a tough night. Before dropping me off, Sean was able to sense my apprehension about being alone tonight so he offered to stay the night. Not wanting to worry him, I assured him that I was okay and that I wanted to rest by myself tonight. I don't think he bought the excuse but he had no choice but to accept the answer.
I tried my best fight off the fatigue that was overtaking my body, afraid to fall asleep to face the anxiety-induced nightmares that were waiting to taunt my subconscious, knowing full well that I would be too vulnerable to fight them off. There weren't any coping mechanisms that I've learned in therapy available to be applied when I'm asleep.
I didn't realize I fell asleep until I sat up suddenly, my body violently gasping for air.
Not again.
I try to reason with myself, making every effort I can to convince myself that it's not a heart attack, but it's nothing is working. I'm having a heart attack and I'm going to die here all by myself.
I reach for my phone ready to call 911 but I hear keys in the front door rattling. There's only one person other than myself who has the key to my apartment: Sean.
"Kayc," I hear him call out as the door opens. "Sorry, I know it's late and you didn't want me to stay over, but I just had a bad feeling about leaving you on your own tonight and-"
He stops immediately when he hears me gasping for air and crying out. I hear him immediately drop everything in the hallway and is next to me in bed in a split second.
"Kaycee..." He reaches out to me slowly and begins to rub my back. I lean into him immediately.
"I want you to breathe in deeply for me on my count, okay? Breathe in 1, 2, 3..." Sean begins, going through all of the coping mechanisms we had learned through therapy. He speaks softly and lowly and continues to softly rub my back in circles carefully to not overstimulate my senses.
Thirty minutes later, I finally calm down and I look at the clock. 2:16 a.m.
"Sean?" I ask, breaking the silence.
"Yes, Kayc?"
"What are you doing here?"
"Let's just say that I had a feeling you weren't doing too well. I knew you weren't going to say anything because you didn't want to worry me." He rolls his eyes at me.
"And yet you still knew to come over?"
"We've been friends for... what, fifteen years now? And dating for seven years? It's safe to say that we can practically read each other's minds now. Face it, Rice - our brains are officially hardwired together." He laughs.
"Hey, in two months it'll be Lew to you." My smile beaming at him.
He softly kisses the top of my head. "I can't wait, Kaycee."
The atmosphere quickly transforms from lighthearted to serious the moment Sean draws in a deep breath.
"Kaycee, how long have you been having your panic attacks again?"
I shrug before reluctantly answering him. "Not that long. It started when Tricia offered me the Australia tour job."
His eyes widen. "You've been having anxiety attacks every night for the last two weeks?"
"I'm okay, I've been managing." I reply quickly, getting out of bed and walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water.
"Why have you been keeping this from me for the last two weeks? We don't keep secrets from each other, ever." Sean says, following me.
"You have sacrificed so much for me these past two years ever since Devon died. Every little thing I've needed, you've done for me without asking for anything in return. How many times have you had to cancel a teaching gig or an audition because I wasn't okay to be by myself? How many times have you had to sacrifice career opportunities because you knew I couldn't keep it together? I can't let you self-sabotage your career just because I'm a wreck.
When I say that I don't deserve you, I mean it. When I say that you're perfect, I mean it. You have been the most understanding, most patient, most loving partner anyone could ever ask for. I am the luckiest woman in the world to call you my fiance, my future husband, and my forever. I just think that this time around I have to make the sacrifice so you can get back into teaching. I can't have you worrying about me all the time - that shouldn't be your job."
Sean looks at me for a few seconds before pulling me into a deep kiss. Six years of kisses and he still manages to make me melt into him. When he pulls away, he stares at me lovingly before he replies.
"Kaycee Rice, you are the most stubborn woman I have ever met and I am lucky to call you mine. I just can't believe that after all this time, you still don't understand that you come first. My career, these opportunities... there will always be other opportunities but there is only one Kaycee. This is your health we are talking about. If you're not okay, I am not okay. There is no Sean Lew without Kaycee Rice anymore - there hasn't been for a long time. So please, let me take care of you, let me worry about you. It isn't a burden, it is simply part of loving you. As your future husband, I have to, want to, take care of you. And I know that you would do the same for me. 'In sickness and in health,' right? I'm two months early on that part of the vows, but what's two months in comparison to a lifetime, right?"
My eyes well up with tears. How did I get so lucky? Two months can't get here fast enough. I would marry this man right now if I could.
"I love you, Sean. You're right. I promise I won't hide this from you anymore." I say, wrapping my arms around his waist and laying my head on his chest.
He wraps his arms around me tightly and it feels like home. "So, what are we going to do about this Australia trip?"
"Honestly? I'm going to tell Tricia that I'm pulling out of the tour. I know she'll be disappointed, but she'll understand. My mental health is more important and I'm just not ready to fly, especially without you. And I really don't want you to cancel your classes, especially when so many people have already pre-registered. That's just a PR disaster waiting to happen for Tim if you were to cancel."
"Are you sure, Kayc? I don't want you to give up an opportunity just for my sake."
"100%. I'm not ready. And besides, I'm so happy to see you teach again. It's been awhile since I've taken a class from you too." I smile.
"You are incredible, Kayc - the strongest person I know." Sean says as he lifts me off the ground bridal style, bringing me back into the bedroom. I laugh loudly as he plops me onto the bed. "Alright, so that's one problem solved. What are we going to do about the nightmares?"
"Well, I feel a lot better now that you're here with me. Do you mind staying over for the next few nights until they stop? They'll probably stop completely since I'm not going to be flying anymore."
"Sure thing, love. I'll go home and pack a bag tomorrow afternoon. Do you want start seeing your therapist again?"
"Thank you. And yes, that's a good idea - I'll call tomorrow and make an appointment tomorrow." I say and nuzzle into his neck, feeling the drowsiness beginning to take over. I glance at the clock on my nightstand. 3:02 a.m.
"Let's go to sleep, Kayc. You must be spent."
"Yeah..." I sigh. "Goodnight, Sean. Love you."
"Goodnight, Kaycee. Love you too."
I didn't have any nightmares that night.
**********
Hi. Anxiety and depression is really hard to manage. It's been three years since my diagnosis and even though it's under control, there are days I like to call "gray" days where it feels very out of control. Panic attacks can get triggered by strange things - my personal experience with panic attacks was initially food related (disclaimer: NO, I do not have an eating disorder and was never diagnosed with an eating disorder). I don't want to get into too much detail because I don't want to trigger people, but it was a very bizarre time in my life and it certainly felt like it came without warning. Through therapy, I've learned to deal with it and for the most part, my initial trigger no longer has an affect on my anxiety. However, other things still affect my anxiety like being in crowded in places, being by myself, etc.
ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, I encourage anyone who deals with anxiety to really talk to someone about it whether it be a school counselor, parent, friend, licensed therapist, etc. I talked to all of the above and they really helped, especially my high school counselor. I've learned a lot of helpful coping mechanisms when I feel anxious and I'm incredibly grateful for the support I've gotten from all my loved ones.
If anyone wants to talk about anything, or has any questions about anxiety and depression, feel free to message me :)
I hope you all enjoyed this short story. I wanted to tackle the importance of taking care of your mental health, while writing soft Seaycee moments... because who doesn't love a supportive partner?
Also, I needed to make up for fuckboy Sean in "Morning After" LMAO.