It had been hours since we had gotten home. Mykel still hadn't said anything more since I cleaned his wrist. I looked at the clock on the table next to the bag of bandages Liz bought. It was nearing ten p.m. With a sigh, I glanced to Mykel. His eyes were closed but I knew he was awake. Liz was awake as well. I looked at her with a sad smile before reaching over and grabbing the bag. I pulled out the new roll of gauze, antiseptic cream, and a new, crisp, white wrap. Silently I took Mykel's wrist and began to unwrap it. I kept sending glances his way, trying to read in his face if my movements were causing him pain. No amount of pain I accidentally inflicted could compare to the pain in his heart; his face remained passive. I finished re-wrapping his wrist, thankful the bleeding stopped some time ago. Gently I set his arm back down beside him before standing and leaving the room. I made my way downstairs slowly, manically, and made my way toward the kitchen. My body craved something to relinquish the dehydration that had settled over me. I reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of apple juice, opened the lid, and consumed the contents.
I stood leaning against the counter, taking large breaths and slowly exhaling in some attempt to offset the panic that was welling up within me. What if I hadn't gone and checked on him when I did? What if I had just given him space like I had so many times before when he was upset? What if I had been too late? These questions swirled around my mind in a cyclone-esk manner, swirling my thoughts into a chaotic mess of what could have been. What might still be, for all I knew.
A sob escaped me and my head dropped to my hands. Through all the abuse I had gone through in my life up until meeting Liz, through all the fear that accompanied living the life that I did, never before had I been met with such an absolute terror as I had when I opened that bathroom door. Everything zeroed in on Mykel and that knife. There were no outside sounds save the rushing of my blood through my ears. My knees gave out, unable or unwilling to hold me up any longer and I sank unceremoniously to the floor. I doubled over, my face still buried in my hands as everything from the past several hours began to catch up with me. My tears and lamentations poured from me silently like spilled water, collecting in my palms before seeping through my closed fingers. The tile floor was hard under my legs, but that physical pain was welcomed to the agony that had consumed me. I don't know how long I stayed like that, sobbing violently and alone, but eventually, I regained control of myself, stood, and made my way slowly back up the stairs.
As I approached I heard quiet voices. I half hoped they would both be asleep by the time I re-entered the room. They both looked at me as I entered but I kept my head down. I didn't want to see the looks in their eyes, the look in Mykel's eyes, lest I lose myself entirely once again. I retook my place next to Mykel that I had earlier vacated, my hands folded together, head down, eyes closed. I felt betrayed, among other things. Was I so easy to leave that he could slit his wrist for me to find him? At that moment I knew how Mykel felt the night he found Kaiden hanging from the rafters, at least to some degree. I was livid. All his promises to never want to leave me. His promises that suicide was never an option for him, despite what he was going through. His anger at me for the cuts on my legs. I could feel myself shaking with held back emotion, my breath hitching and catching. I could feel the storm brewing inside me waiting to erupt violently at just the precise moment.
I jumped slightly when I felt Mykel's hand on mine. I didn't look at him, only squeezed my eyes that much tighter. My demons began whispering confirmations and affirmations on everything I was doubting as I listened closely to what they had to say.
"Mattie." My name was a whisper on a scream and I damned myself for allowing more tears to show themselves. "Mattie, please look at me." I made no move to acquiesce to his request. "Mattie, please." Slowly I consented, dragging my vision over to him. He had sat up and I was face to face with him. At his attempt to wipe my eyes I shook my head in denial and stood. I knew if he touched me in such an intimate fashion I would explode. My arms rounded my torso in a gripping self-hug as I watched the carpet under my feet. I felt the shuddering emotion bubble it's way back to the surface as I heard his breath escape in a hitching release. He said something to Liz that I didn't catch and she slowly left the room. I knew she wouldn't go far. I had yet to look at him again, even as I heard him stand and approach me. "Mattie, please say something."
"How could you do that?" I said brokenly. I dragged my eyes up to his, tears wet against my skin, sliding down my neck. "You didn't leave a note...what would I have been left with other than finding you?" While there was anger in the question, none of it showed through. Only the heartache could be heard. "What would Liz have been left with?" My eyes slid away from his and I backed away when he reached for me. "You...y-y-you got m-m-ma-ma-d at me for cutting my legs...what should I feel right now, Mykel? You were trying to fucking k-k-k-ill-kill yourself tonight." My voice was hardly above a whisper as I hadn't it in me to scream at that moment. Though that's exactly what I wanted to do. Scream to the heavens or anyone who would listen that the gig is up, the fix is in and the sky is falling. I took a shuddering breath and looked at him. "You lied to me. How can you say you'd never do that...never want to leave me...and then..." I shook my head and turned my back to him.
"Mattie." I felt him approach me and wrap his arms around me from behind, pulling me close to his chest. I felt his heart beating into my back, hard and fast and solid. I turned back around, his hands sliding down to lightly grip my hips. Gently I placed my hand against his beating heart and it was my undoing. My head dropped onto his shoulder and I wrapped my arms around him, holding him tightly and solidly against me, feeling each breath he took and every beat of his heart. "I don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't thinking. I just...I got lost." As he spoke those last three words his voice cracked and winding his arms around me once more rested his head atop mine.
"You were gonna leave me, too. You were gonna leave me, too." I repeated those words as the agony ripped through me with a hot iron, though not quite hot enough to cauterize the wounds it inflicted. He said nothing to this, only held me tighter as we stood center in his bedroom and together we cried. Finally, we both calmed down and he took a deep breath.
"Mattie, please...will you hold me?"
The next morning came dark and early. I hadn't much slept the night before, alternating between nightmares and constantly making sure that Mykel was still breathing next to me. At around five that morning, I slipped from the bed and descended the stairs. Liz was already in the kitchen when I entered it in search of the coffee I smelled brewing. She poured me a large, strong cup after adding the amount of sugar she knew I liked and handed it to me. "Couldn't sleep, either?" she asked me.
I shook my head. "No. I kept dreaming of finding him just a little too late...and waking up with every move he made." I sipped my cup before setting it down on the counter. "Liz, I..." I looked at her with total helplessness in my eyes and she returned the look with equality. I felt my eyes water and throat close, the events of the day before still too entirely fresh in my mind.
"I know, baby." She kissed my forehead and pulled me into a hug. "I'm scared, too. I've got the workday covered for you. I have to go in for a couple hours until Linda can get there and then I'll be right home, okay?" I wanted to beg her not to leave, but by the look on her face I knew she had done all she could do to stay home, so I remained silent and simply nodded. "I'm sorry, that's the best I could do. I don't want to leave him any more than you want to be left alone right now. I don't have to leave for another hour."
"I know you did, Liz. I'll be okay. Liz?" She looked at me as she took a sip of her coffee. "I'm so fucking angry." I felt my brow melt into a scowl as my arms crossed over my chest. "He swore to me he'd never do something like that. He got mad at me when I cut my legs, saying I lied to him. Now he does this? He was just gonna let me or you find his body bled out in the bathroom. I'm so...s-so...I don't even fucking know what I am right now, Liz. He's ripping my heart out. But how can I say that to him? How do I know it won't push him over the edge completely this time? Liz, if I hadn't had..." I stopped as the words choked me. She pulled me against her as her eyes too began to water. "I was so scared," I sobbed into her shoulder. "I'm so scared."
"Come on, baby." She led me to the kitchen table and sat me down into the nearest chair and placed my coffee in front of me. "Not long after Kaiden died, Mykel tried to kill himself. My mother found him on his bed."
I nodded. "I remember you mentioning it. He tried to OD, right?"
"Yeah. On Opioids. He very nearly succeeded. That's when I brought him to live here the first time. When I brought him here for the second time, not long before you and he met, I saw him beginning to spiral. He never did try anything after that first attempt...before now. Despite what you may be thinking now, Mattie, Mykel does love you, and...regardless of his stupidity last night, I don't think that he really wants to die."
I nodded and took a shuddering breath. "He just was standing there...I didn't see he'd already cut himself...with the knife poised at his wrist...the slightest space separating...and he asked me how easy it was to do it...and he put the blade to his wrist...Liz, he was going to do it with me standing there watching him."
"I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but if he did that, then you know he wasn't in his right mind even more so. What Mr. Jones told him yesterday...was beyond anything he'd had to deal with before. He blamed himself naturally for what Kaiden did...but when that bastard said that...blamed him in that way...I haven't seen that look in his eyes in a long time. Not since Kaiden died. In his mind at that moment, all his self-blame had been confirmed."
We both turned toward the entrance of the kitchen as we heard a voice speak, low and raspy. "He knew I wouldn't have given him up so easily. He...wanted to protect me..." his breath hitched as he said those words, the river of tears not yet dried. Nor would they be dried for some time yet, I presumed. On any of our parts. "He just kept saying 'I have to. I have to.' but he would never say why. And he..." Mykel dragged his eyes up to mine, his expression desperate and begging. "Mattie, I'm sorry. I..." He shook his head and turned around to make his way back upstairs.
"Mykel," I called after him as I stood to follow. He had stopped but hadn't turned around. I faced him in the darkened living room, my hands coming to grasp his. I felt the callus' under my fingers as I gripped his hands. He had his eyes closed in an attempt to keep himself together. He looked at me, the pain evident in his eyes and in his expression. I leaned upward on my tiptoes, placing my lips lightly against his.
"Do you hate me?" The question, so foreign coming from his mouth, left me breathless and unable to answer for a moment. I kissed him again and shook my head.
"No. I could never hate you. I love you, Mykel. Nothing will ever change that."
He let out his held breath, anticipating a spewed forth acknowledgment of what exactly I felt, the hatred he so clearly feared from me. "Are you mad at me?"
I studied him for a moment before answering. "Yes. And several other emotions. But that isn't important right now. We'll deal with all of this when the time is right. No matter how mad I am, or upset I am, I won't turn my back on you. I won't neglect you in this state."
"Maybe you should," he whispered brokenly. "How can you stay with me after this? After what I almost did."
"Is that what you want?" He heard the fear in my voice just as clearly as I.
He shook his head in rapid succession. "No. No, it isn't what I want at all. I just...I want you to hold me. And tell me everything is going to be alright."
I nodded. "I can do that, love."
He took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "Mattie..." I looked him in the eye, but I didn't say anything, knowing that he was working out what he was trying to say. "I..." Pursing his lips together he sniffled and through the contact, I had upon his hands, I felt him shaking. "I...I know that apologizing isn't good enough for what I did...but I am...I...it all just became too much. I kept seeing him hanging there...I kept hearing him tell me he loved me...how h-he got colder and colder as I tried to bring him back to me. I just wanted it to stop." A broken bewailing quietly fell from his open mouth as he leaned his head down on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I wrapped my arms around him as I slowly followed him to the floor. He clung to me with such a desperate need I could do nothing but match his hold. He screamed into my chest and screamed again and I, for my part, could do nothing but hold on and ride the storm. While I had spoken the truth about being angry at what he had done, I also meant what I said about it not being important right then. He and I would sort out my feelings on the situation at a later date, and when he wasn't so close to self-termination. We sat there on the living room floor until he'd finally calmed down sufficiently. I kissed his temple ever so gently.
"Come on. Let's get off the floor. Drink some coffee with Liz and when she goes to work we can smoke a few and just curl up together. You can cry if you need to. We can just sit together. Whatever you need, okay?"
He nodded against my chest but didn't move right away, nor did I attempt at letting him go until he sat up. I kissed him, my hands framing his face. Looking deeply into his eyes I reiterated, "I love you. Nothing can change that." He nodded again and with my thumbs, I wiped away freshly fallen tears. "Come on, baby." We stood and made our way into the kitchen. Liz still sat there at the kitchen table, mug in hand as she slowly sipped it.
She glanced up as Mykel took a seat next to her. She smiled sadly at him. I could see she was attempting to keep her composure. I knew the fear in her heart was one she hadn't quite experienced for her brother in several years. "Hey, Mykee." He smiled at her, but the smile was worn with an anxious pulling of his brows. "You want some coffee?" He nodded not speaking. I could see his throat bobbing as he swallowed impulsively, trying to keep himself from falling apart by the look in her eyes. She set the mug down in front of him, wrapped her arms around his shoulders, setting her face in the crook of his neck. "I love you, Mykel. Don't you ever fucking do that to me again, or I'll kill you myself." He half-smiled and nodded in a barely perceptible way, his eyes slipping closed momentarily. She kissed his cheek before disengaging from his shoulders and taking her seat. To Mykel she said, "I won't be gone too long today. I'm just there until Linda is able to get there. Do you need me to stop and get you anything?" He shook his head but didn't speak. "Mattie, you need anything, babycakes?"
I smiled slightly at the nickname but declined with a shake of my head. She nodded with a sad look in her eye as she glanced between us. I had taken the seat across from Liz at the table. Downing her coffee Liz stood, set the mug in the sink, kissed us both on the cheeks, told us she loved us, and left for work. Mykel hadn't touched the contents of his cup, simply grasped it as if he needed its warmth, as he stared sightlessly into its depths.
As I heard Liz pull out of the driveway, tires crushing little rock debris as she went, I approached him and knelt down. "Mykel," I gently called, my hand resting against his thigh. He looked at me and his expression caused my chest to ache. I stood and kissed his temple, his hair lightly brushing against my face. "Come on, baby." He stood without a word and followed me from the kitchen, the coffee in its container left there to chill. I grabbed the box Liz had left out for us and proceeded us upstairs to his room.
He sat, crossing his legs underneath him, hands folded in his folded lap, his eyes once again staring sightlessly into the depths of his aching soul. I had no idea what I could say, so I remained silent, my eyes flicking to him in worried glimpses as I rolled the blunt.
When next my eyes journeyed to capture his face, his heartbreak was evident in silent streaks down his pale cheeks. I lit the blunt, the fire hot and bright, before sliding up next to him. When I tried to hand the marijuana to him, he ignored it as he buried himself into me. He clutched the shirt at my back in large fists, and I could feel the small vibrations throughout his being. Setting the blunt in the ashtray, I wrapped my arms around his back, laying my head along his spine. "I've got you, my love," I told him gently kissing the back of his neck. His cries continued to increase as everything boiled over in his mind.
"Don't let me go, Mattie. Please don't leave me." I almost didn't catch he had spoken at all, but the desperate fear in his voice was clear.
"That isn't something you have to worry about, my love."
"Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he tell me that? We could have worked something out. We could have moved...anywhere!...He didn't have to die like that." His bewailing silenced any reply I may have had so I simply held on to him. To me, it was as if he had lost him all over again.
For his grief, I did not begrudge him, nor did it cause me to question his feelings or sincerity for me; which I considered personal growth. My eyes caught sight of the white bandage wrapped around his arm as he shifted in my lap. The anger and remorse for those actions against himself was, however, an emotional upheaval inside me. It made me question. But for his sake, I kept this in the far back of my mind. It wasn't the time and I wasn't about to make things more difficult for him by adding to it. The blunt had long since gone out, but when he was sufficiently calmed I withdrew it from the ashtray and relit it. He hadn't moved from my lap, his face hidden in my legs. "Mykel, love, you wanna smoke this with me? It might help." He nodded and slowly lifted himself from my lap. He sniffled and wiped his eyes, making a face upon the discovery his nose was completely stuffed. I smiled to myself and handed him a box of tissues. He accepted with a teary grin of his own. When he could breathe again he took the blunt from me and took a long drag, closing his eyes as they watered once more.
It looked like he wanted to say something, but was hesitant. I said nothing as I let him think and process. I took the blunt back from him and watched his mind run in rampant circles. "You must think terribly of me right now," he stated not looking at me.
"Why do you say that?" I asked him as I followed his line of sight.
He laughed without humor and immense pain. "Because." He looked at me before looking away again, his vision returning to his arm. "I...am a giant fucking hypocrite. I prattle on and on about self-harm and suicide...to just...turn around and..." He shook his head slightly at himself.
"I don't think badly of you, Mykel," I told him gently. "I can't say that I'm not upset, but..." I paused and sighed lightly. "I don't think badly of you."
"You're mad at me." He still wasn't looking at me. I watched as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. He laughed again and it made my chest ache from the sound. "Not that I blame you."
"Mykel," I began as a sigh escaped me, "I feel a lot of things right now, but that isn't important at the moment."
"Yes, it is," he argued.
I really didn't want to argue with him in this state. I handed him back the blunt. He hit it and stamped it out before grabbing the box and rolling another. "I'm not saying it isn't important at all...or that we won't deal with it eventually...but right now...let's deal with one thing at a time, okay?" He nodded. "I love you, Mykel. You know that, right?" He looked at me, his eyes full of pain, and nodded, biting his lower lip. Outside, the sun was beginning its daily routine, rising above the treeline and beginning to shine in through the window.
"I know. I love you, too. I don't know if you believe that anymore, but...I really do." He licked the blunt down, trying to stay somewhat in control and not lose himself completely once more. "I feel like I messed everything up between us." He lit the blunt taking a deep drag before slowly exhaling and repeating the process.
"Nothing is messed up between us. Just...one thing, okay?" He nodded slowly. "Don't you ever fucking do that to me again." There was anger present in that statement, hurt and fear all balled up together in one nicely wrapped package. My fists curled inward and I pushed against my thighs, keeping my emotions in check as best I could. I didn't want to have this discussion now, but it was too late. "You, of all people, know what it's like to walk in on something like that. If I'd had waited a little longer to come check on you...would you have cut yourself deep enough to kill yourself? Would I have walked in on your body bled out on the bathroom floor?" Tears filled my eyes and spilled over like rain clouds that could no longer carry the heavy rains. "Y-you cut your wrist in front of me, Mykel." I looked away from him as it all began to bubble to the surface. I felt my chest clench and my airways stop as they tightened. "What am I supposed to think? H-how am I supposed to feel?"
"How do you feel, Mattie?" His voice was so softly spoken, despair mingling in his tone as the tears mingled on his face.
I took a shuddering breath. "Is this really a conversation you want to get into right now, Mykel?"
He looked at me. "If not now, when? This isn't a conversation that you'll willingly bring up later."
I looked at him for a moment, my expression softening as I looked at him. "If I need to. But right now, emotions are high. Shit is still very raw...I would rather put it off until we've both had time to process so this doesn't turn into a fight. I don't want to fight with you. Do I want to talk about this? Yes. I do. Because it really fucking hurt. Do I want to fight and scream and argue? No, I'd rather not. So if not talking about it now and having to balls up to mention it later means that that won't happen tonight...that-that we won't fight because we're both very clearly upset...then, fine, I can do that."
He scoffed at me and shook his head. "Fine," he said. "I'm gonna go take a shower." He stood from the bed in a flash of anger more directed at himself than me. My head dropped into my hands as it all began to replay through my memory bank. I didn't hear him move to the bathroom and knew him to be standing there watching me. "I won't..." he began, his voice softer now. "I won't do it again, Mattie." I didn't answer him as I listened as he went into the bathroom. When I heard the water turn on, I knew he hadn't shut the door. Inwardly I was grateful for the consideration as I felt myself begin to become lost in painful thoughts and memories from the day before. I was tired, having stayed up through the night watching him. Chasing away any nightmares that came to pass, and alternating between crying against his chest and remaining calm. I felt my shoulders begin to shake as my litany of woes came once more. As the fear bubbled its way to the surface, born anew. I paid no mind as I heard Mykel come back into the room, doubled over as I was, sobbing as if I'd lost everything in this world. I almost did, I surmise. Mykel crawled onto the bed behind me, pulling me bodily against him, wrapping himself completely around me. My cries came harder once fully in his embrace knowing that I might not have had this chance again to feel him ensconced around me. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry, Mattie," he whispered in my ear, his pleading heartbreaking on its own. "I don't know what I was thinking."
"I don't want you to die, Mykel. Y-you promised me forever and it isn't up yet. You promised you'd never leave me and you wanted to. You were going to leave me here like he left you here and what would I have done then? I know that I'm fucked up but I still love you. I want to be worth living for, Mykel. I want to be worth at least that much." Nothing else I said was intelligible even to myself as the wails came harder and louder. I clutched at his arms in the utmost anxiousness and sorrow as I cried myself into exhaustion. I knew Mykel was talking to me, his tone soft and full of just as much sorrow as mine, but I heard nothing he said as I eventually cried myself to sleep.