Kabanata 14
I stretched my arms as I saw my brother watching my movements. I finished a one-hour workout from the app I have in my phone. His gaze fixated on me through the mirror. My forehead creased a little when he just...stared. Umiling ito at napatawa ng bahagya habang iniinom ang energy drink upang alisin ang kunot sa aking noo.
Russ is the young carbon-copy of Dad. From the way he carries his confidence on the external, the way he talks about facts and truths, and his intimidation. Armed with his always on the go button down shirt and slacks, aakalain ng tao mula sa kanilang maloko ngunit seryosong mukha ay wala silang alam. Truth is, looks are really deceiving. Sa kanila 'ko napatunayan ang pahayag na iyon.
"What's your plan on your birthday?" balik nitong salita.
I shrugged my shoulders. Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-uunat. "Uhm, baka..." I thought of Wren's invite...I mean she said that it is Bennett's encourage to celebrate my pre-birthday at Bataan. To do some camping and some not-so-extreme sport for Richard: rappelling. Napapalunok ako habang naiisip iyon, but the fear is a thrilling excitement yet...I am still scared puppy. I silently breathed a sigh as I focused my attention to my brother.
"Out of the country?" His face is mixed with hopes and uncertainties. "I could book you right away to any Southeast Asia Countries?" he suggested, fishing out his mobile. Tumuon ang atensyon niya sa kanyang telepono. His lips curving...like this is all for his entertainment. "Dapat maaga kang magsabi. So...we could arrange visa. States or even Japan, right?" His gaze lifted. "You should really said it earlier, you know, so I could take vacation leave. Means," he chuckled darkly, "we are together on your day. That would be really, really great," with a convincing nod.
I let a smile occupied my lips. Iginalaw 'ko ang aking leeg habang nag-iisip nang isasagot kay Russel. Truth is, I don't want my birthday to be held somewhere like what my brother is proposing right now. I don't want any grand celebration like the old times. Mother would throws a party and invites her friends, Dad's business partners or kuya's. I want it to celebrate by myself because I want it that way.
"Ah, I am not sure, really, Russ. Tignan 'ko." I stride my way to his place to get my towel. But before I could do it, Russel grabbed my elbow. But his face plastered an unknown emotions. He's smirking but I can't comprehend it.
"Why? You used to celebrate it with us," ang tono ay may kuryosidad na hindi 'ko maintindihan.
I wiped the sweats on my face. Hindi 'ko maiwasang mapakunot ng noo. I am trying to understand the emotions passing through his harden features. But I can't. I breathed in through my nose and exhaled through my mouth. I relaxed my frantic heart for a while.
"Wanna explore the Philippines. Changed of interest, I guess, Russ."
Russel nodded abruptly. His eyes remained on my face, pinning me to my place. Inalis niya ang hawak sa aking siko at tinuloy ang pag-inom ng energy drink. May nais pa siyang sabihin ngunit napatawa na lamang. "Right. That is growing up, I supposed. I understand. H'wag mo lang kalimutan na sabihin kung nasaan ka na. So..." He vented, almost pursing his lips. "Doesn't matter. We're just worried. And enjoy your birthday. Kung magbago man ang isip mo, your brother, that's me." Tumawa siya. "Is one call away."
Tumango ako. Kasabay nito ay ang pagyakap ni Russel sa akin. He squeezed my waist and I shivered instantly. His touch on my skin is shocking. It lasted longer than I expected when I felt his lips on my cheek. "Better safe than sorry, Rosaleen." His words have meaning. Or maybe, binibigyan 'ko lamang ng kahulugan ito kahit wala naman. His brother! I trust him with all my heart. Hindi na 'ko nasanay!
"Thanks, Russ." Ako ang unang bumitaw sa yakap. My brother touched my cheek and a smirk slipped on his lips. "For everything, you know. Maybe next year, I'd tell you earlier." Inalis ni Russel ang kamay niya sa aking pisngi. "Thanks for recommending, too."
"You're welcome. Always." His eyes expressed unknown emotions. He walked away with that signature smirk, leaving me thinking. I just probably need some time with Wren and the others again. I don't want to think more about this.
My family is my treasure. They do care. Of course! My brain is currently tarnished with the things happened to me lately. I will begin again. To be reborn and forget this...slowly. It will not be easily but in the end it will be worth it. I just need, maybe, patience for myself.
**
Uncertainty.
I fear the word mostly in my life.
I don't know how others grasp the little hope for uncertainty. To put their heart outs for doubt. The main concern is, how do people put their faith to any qualms. I salute them for giving themselves. I am certain that I am afraid. Most of the time.
The underrated beauty of Mariveles, Bataan captivated me instantly. The small fishing village of Sisiman, its bay rendered me speechless. The view from the summit, San Miguel peak is magnificent. A thrilling sensation made way to my system when I looked down, seeing the infinite blue waters. The serene beach...the alluring scenic view, the lighthouse. A gust of wind kissed my whole body. The sun rays busted me with scorching stir. Sinubukan 'kong tumingin muli mula sa peak, nanginig muli ang aking buong pagkatao. Yet, I know, the excitement filled my lungs. Trekking this way, a 20 minutes particularly, constructed my heart with adrenaline. Locals told stories about this summit, that is equivalent to a 35-storey building. Kaya nga ngayon ay takot na takot ako sa pagtingin sa baba nito.
However, Richard never faltered with fear. My gaze descending to him. Who moved easily on his way down. I could see his features hardening, the muscles chiseled...flexing with both calculated and measured movement to the uneven surfaced of the rock mountain. Richard is presently abseiling.
The butterflies in my stomach went wild.
He acted professionally.
Strong moves with precise progress.
Richard knew what he is doing. He is geared up with equipment I don't even know if he needed it anymore. Shape like arrows of rays passing through his face. He remained unbothered but solely focused. He is so strong, really, really strong. I wonder what he can't do in this world. I wonder what more he wanted to this lifetime.
"Uy, I could see you are drooling!" mapang-asar na boses ang lumitaw. I looked behind and Wren is grinning widely. Tinusok niya ang pisngi 'ko sa kunwaring drool na sinasabi niya. My face is probably flushed. I know that. I blamed the hot weather and...Richard for that. No need to deny.
"What?" But I still denied it.
Wren moved his hip against me. I almost stumbled because of that. I scraped my redden neck a bit, composing sentence I should speak. My mouth parted but no words came out. Hindi 'ko alam kung anong dapat sabihin. Should I defend myself?
Or, let it be. Because it is the truth.
I pushed away the thought immediately!
"Bennett really looks so fucking hot doing his thing. I admit that." She cracked out a loud laugh. "But nah, not really that super-duperhot, e?" She flipped her hair and a rolled eyes is added. My lips are curving upward. She sighed and continued, "too bad, wala pa ring nagmamay-ari sa kanya." Her tone is playful.
Ang tanging paglunok na lamang ang nagawa 'ko. Tumikhim ako at tumingin sa galaw ni Richard. He might reach his goal anytime. Mas nauuna si Richard kaysa kay Tobias na nasa gitna pala ng bato. I breathed a sigh when I grazed him wholly. Muntik na 'kong mapaatras nang ang mata niya'y dumapo sa aking mukha. His expression is stoic and rigid. But his eyes remained on me like he is passing a message I can't comprehend until his lips lifted. Napakagat ako ng labi sa pagpipigil ng ngiti.
Maybe, Wren is really right. I am attracted to Richard. Very and intensely.
"Right, Z?" she questioned, continuing her sentence.
Faint blush spreads across my cheeks answering her question. Even my mouth won't do his sole purpose, my other parts will reply. Napalunok ako sa pag-iisip kung anong sasabihin 'ko. I don't want to lie but I don't want to pahalata. What should I do then?
"Yeah," small voice from me.
"Then, Happy Birthday, Z!" She said hugging me on my side. Pinatong ni Wren ang baba sa aking balikat habang patuloy ang pagyakap. I felt her breath on my neck, normally inhaling. I snaked my arm on her waist, tightly. "I am happy I really met you. I mean, yeah, so happy for Bennett, too. I mean, really." She sounded nervous. It is not her. "Can't wait for tonight, though." Iniba niya ang nais sabihin. "Camping and such."
Tumango na lamang ako.
"Watching the stars above," patuloy 'ko.
"Yeah, that's probably fucking awesome."
"Yeah."
Wren pulled out on her hug. Hinarap niya 'ko at ngumiti ng malaki. "Let's go down and meet them? Pagkatapos we could swim?" Niyugyog niya ang aking balikat. "I know you are ready! I saw your red bikini!"
I wish I could wipe off her burgeoning grin, but I can't do it.
How embarrassing it is, right?
It is just red bikini! And I really want to feel good at my birthday!
"Uy, 'wag kang mahiya! Birthday mo, e! I need to add-" She was interrupted by her own thought. She squatted and pulled some grass. Then, she sprinkled it above my head. "Put some confidence, some courage, birthday girl." Added by a wink. "Let's go!"
Nagpahatak na lamang ako kay Wren papunta kung nasaan ang mga gamit namin. I saw some people arranging the tent. Na pagtutulugan namin mamaya. Curious pa rin ako kung saan kami magpapalit ni Wren. Mabuti na lamang ay kinuha niya lamang ang gamit namin at nag-umpisa kaming mag-trek pababa ng summit.
**
Last night was amazing! I couldn't believe I celebrated it at the San Miguel peak with them...three. I heard Richard's singing voice for my happy birthday song. Nanguna si Wren at Tobias. Sinundan lamang niya iyon. I know he opened his mouth to sing. Hindi man iyon rinig ng iba ngunit alam 'ko. He was the one holding my cake! My eyes filled with grateful tear because of them. Hinding-hindi 'ko makakalimutan ang kahapon.
I opened my eyes and familiarity never sink in. A gray high-end ceiling welcomed my sight, blurred image of mine is reflecting. It is recognizable. A memory flooded my head. I looked over..behind, a black tiled wall. Small cabinets on each side of the bed, above the two charcoal canvas. Thick curtains are closed. No arrow shaped rays of sun disturbing me. The feeling is serene and safe inside his room.
I let myself sink it to the thought that I am inside Richard's room...again. Not because I got into accident, but because he wanted to. And I wanted, too.
I looked down, my mouth behind the white and soft comforter. And I saw him, sitting comfortably, holding a sketchbook and a vine charcoal, I supposed. Eyes remained on my face and then went back to his sketchbook. I left astounded, unsure of what to say. Tila naistatwa ako ngunit inalis 'ko ang pagkakatakip ng comforter sa aking bibig.
"Good morning," I said a bit husky because I just...woke up. Really.
"Good morning," he uttered more hoarsely and sexily, still has the same concentration. His features seem relax but still have the same unbending intensity. "Can you relax your face, Zurie?" It's a question, but it felt like a command. I still did.
I un-furrowed my brow. I let my lips formed into normal position. And I remained, lying on his very own bed. I relax my status...my whole being. Pero kahit ganoon, hindi 'ko yata makakaya dahil sa pagtitig niya sa akin. His eyes grazing me like a sacred object. Like I am too holy not to look at.
Untidy hair.
Glowing eyes.
Slightly pursed pink lips.
I am a living mess. The real definition I could have for myself.
And here is Richard, continuing his work. Is he drawing me? Like for real?
"This is actually my gift for you. Can you relax more, please?"
I nodded.
Confirmed.
He is making me an art. And it is my image. I never received a gift like this. That so much effort is put into it. I tried to restrain my emotions. Sumunod ako sa winika niya dahil ayokong masira ang ginagawa niya. He is trying his best to his work.
"Five minutes. I will be done," he breathed. "Apologies."
"No!" awat 'ko. Shocked by my action, kinalma 'ko ang aking postura. "Sorry. Gumalaw ako." I regret my actions. Nang mahawi ng mata 'ko ang reaksyon ni Richard. He stared on his work, lips lifting in amusement. He pressed his lips to keep him from smiling. Kita 'ko 'yon! I looked down because of the embarrassment I am feeling.
"I am not forbidding you to move. I just need you to stop thinking for a while." Halata pa rin ang pagpigil niya sa ngiti nang sumilip ako sa kanya dahil unti-unti na siyang napapanguso. "Zurie, will you look at me? I need the emotion of your eyes again."
I did it without hesitation. Look at him with a very raw feelings I have. One minute had passed, he stood up, direct pace toward me. He never faltered. His big palms engulfed my face quickly and intensely. It gently forced me to look at him after settling down his sketchbook. "Cara." A foreign word came out from his mouth. It sounded beautiful but I don't know it yet. It sounded sincere. Because it is him who spoke about it. I embraced the four letter word immediately. Like I knew it.
His gaze is really hypnotizing. I feel like he is going to kiss me. My lips crave for it. A kiss. But he restrained himself for my desire. Or maybe, he never wanted to kiss me again. What am I thinking!
"You don't need to apologize for everything. Quit expressing regret for anything," he breathed.
Nauna ang pagtango 'ko sa dismaya saka ako nagsalita, "okay." Inalis niya ang kamay sa aking mukha at pinakita ang ginawa niya. My lips parted looking at the art he made. An image of my face with surrounded by roses. He did it using just charcoal and his talent.
"Thank you," I muttered, tears started to fill my eyes. I looked up to stop it.
"You're welcome, Zurie," aniya, "breakfast?"
I nodded and stood up quickly. Inalis 'ko ang iniisip 'kong kahihiyan kanina!
**
I don't even know how breakfast happened. Richard cooked the food. I just ate...there at his dining area. We talked about his profession. I conversed about mine. I thought it will be awkward. But it is not.
Now, I am alone inside his home office room because Richard needed to answer the call of their client. Naiwan akong nakaupo sa nag-iisang swivel chair ng kwarto niya. I am flabbergasted looking at his office. He's an architect. He knows too well about designs and such. I never know about it. Until how elegant and expensive this room.
An all-white 4 cornered room frames with shard. Wide fiberboard in a white wenge reflects the light. Mas lalong lumawak ang espasyo ng kwarto. In a gray bookshelves, nakabalandra ang iba't ibang uri ng libro. But mostly his books are for his line of work. I started gazing each and my attention won't let me stare at those for minutes. Nanatili akong nakaupo habang pinagmamasdan ang iMac sa ibabaw ng kanyang mesa. I fished out my phone and read all the messages from my friends and relatives. Marami roon sa mga dati 'kong katrabaho at nag-aaya ng gala. Isa-isa akong sumagot ng pasasalamat sa kanila. Until I heard the door creaked. Agad akong napatayo at napasandal sa mesa.
My heart is beating frantically inside my ribcage. Gulat ang aking mukha na muntik nang maghulog ng aking telepono sa sahig. Napapikit ako ng mariin nang makita si Richard. He slipped easily inside the room, strode toward my place, and cornered me immediately. His intense eyes pinned me. "Do I scare you?" ang bungad niya. Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know.
I shook my head rapidly as I could. Bago pa ako sumagot ng hindi ay nakuha ng mga daliri niya ang aking baba. He made me look at him. I swear, I could stare at him right away. "Hindi...I don't know. Maybe it is coffee. I look tense anyway." Pati ang tawa 'ko may halong kaba.
"Because," he started, "you don't focus on right now."
I breathed sigh.
"You really good at reading people's mind," I vented. I almost pouted. I wish I had that power to possess. Because that makes Richard prevailing in a good way. That is one of his skills. And too many to mention the others.
"What are you thinking, then?" He slowly came more near to me. Kusang humiwalay ang mga binti 'ko upang magkaroon ng espasyo sa kanya. My butt almost sitting at the edge of the table. Napalunok ako sa tanging espasyong mayroon kami.
The air is thickening.
My lungs are really expanding, looking for air.
Seriously.
He really makes me nervous.
"Nothing..." I lied. "No. Anything. Everything..." I babbled.
Richard nodded, maybe waiting for me to respond again.
"I mean, you're right. You are probably right. I am thinking ahead of everything. The worst of everything, I guess."
"What are you thinking? Now you're in my house? Is this troubling your head?" Natumpak niya ang priority sa isip 'ko. After my birthday, he invited me. I never asked why he wanted dahil gusto 'ko rin. Because this might be the answer for my questions. What am I to him? What are we right now? Are we something-I don't know! I am assuming! "What do you want, Zurie?"
My knees trembled a bit. Alam 'kong naramdaman niya iyon. Lips and chin quaked.
Tell him, Zurie Rosaleen! Tell him!
"Can I guess?" A hint of teasing is on his lips.
Richard is good at reading.
I know he knew what's bugging my mind.
I felt his hand grazing my thigh up to my shoulder. It sent shiver to me. An electric feeling is killing me inside. The only effect he has to me...or I don't discover the others yet.
But then my embarrassed self wanted attention.
"Do you do boyfriend-girlfriend relationship though?" Umiwas ako ng tingin dahil alam 'kong sunod-sunod na ang sasabihin 'ko. "Bachelors don't do relationship...commitment and such." Oh, God. Ano ba 'tong sinasabi 'ko! A living tomato is me! "What am I to you, Richard?" My words quivered same with my mouth. "What are we?"
He answered in his own posture...by his own confidante, "is that what you want?"
"Not just me, Richard." My nose almost flaring. Relationship is not just about me or you. It is about the two of you. The differences and the sameness of you two together. Hindi lang dahil gusto 'ko o siya lang ang may gusto!
I calmed myself.
Maybe, he doesn't do relationship then. Ano ba 'tong tinanong 'ko!
"I want to be your lover, Zurie. Are we on the same boat?" every word has intensity that makes me dizzy and floating with feelings I can't understand inside my heart and my body.
God.
"Yes." My annoyance is palpable. I don't get irritated easily, but he made me! But, wait-what did he say? Lover? His lover? Richard Bennett's lover? Me? Am I hallucinating right now, that I answered quickly his very important question?
"Alright, then. Now, I am not upsetting you." His raven eyes raked my features easily. The back of his hand grazed my right cheek. Napakagat ako ng labi nang hindi inaasahan. "Will it be okay to take my lover to a dinner tonight?" My heart almost shuddered at the sound of the lover from his very lips. Mas lalong lumapit ang mukha niya sa akin. I want his lips to land on my aching pair. "Will I be able to kiss this pair, Zurie?"
Kaagad akong tumango. Both answering his questions.
One swift move from my nod, I felt his palm at the back of my head, the other one is pushing my back to be closer to him. Then an electrifying feeling grounded my whole body when my aching lips felt him...his lips against mine. "Will you be able to answer when I am kissing you right now?" His lips widen in a smile.
"Yes," the only word I could uttered because his lips started to move me into heaven-like feeling.