"You sure you're ready for this?" Mykel asked me as I stood nervously in front of the bathroom mirror. I glanced up at his reflection and smiled at the worry in his eyes.
"No." I smiled again. "I'm nervous as all get out. However, I need to do this. And I think Rian needs this also."
In just over half an hour the three of us were all going to my sister's house. Finally, I was to meet my nephews and my niece, and the man my sister married. Over the last few months, since she initially came to Mykel's, and once my guilt began to wane, we both made an effort to keep in contact. We talked on the phone, over text, through messenger. By whatever means we had available. A few days before she asked if I wanted to come meet the rest of my family. It was my eldest nephew's birthday and while they were having a party for him the next day, she asked if I wanted to come for his actual birthday for a BBQ. Nervously I accepted.
"I'm glad you and Liz are coming with me though." He smiled at me, wrapped his arms around me from behind, and kissed my cheek.
"I am too, my love."
It was a half-hour drive from Liz's house to Rian's and I marveled at how close she lived to me. I was wringing my hands together nervously and my breath caught as we pulled into the driveway.
The house was beautiful. Two stories with a detached garage painted a pale shade of blue. The yard was immaculate, freshly cut, and large enough to play on. Together we walked up the walkway and rang the doorbell. Rian answered the door, a huge, yet nervous smile plastered to her face. "Hi," she said to me before glancing at Liz and Mykel. "I'm glad you all could come today. Was the drive alright?" She stepped back, opening the door wider to allow our entrance. "Come in. Everyone is in the backyard."
She showed us through the living room and through the kitchen. "You want anything to drink? We have juice, Coke, tea, Dr. Pepper," she said as she walked. We walked outside. "All the drinks and cups are over there. There's ice in the chest. Mattie?" Liz and Mykel walked over to where the drinks were and I saw them introduce themselves to Rian's husband. I looked to my sister. "I'm really glad you came." She stepped closer as if wanting to embrace, but stopped herself. She didn't want to push my boundaries.
I pulled her into me and we hugged long and hard. "Me, too." I looked at her with a smile. "I'm glad we found each other, Ri. I really want to put the past behind us. I don't want it to hold us back. I really do want a relationship with you. I've missed you so much."
She smiled happily. "I told myself I wouldn't get all emotional." She laughed as she wiped her eyes. "But I'd like that." At that moment a boy approached her and took her hand.
"Mommy, are you okay?"
She smiled down at him before kneeling to his level. "I'm fine, baby. Very happy. You remember me telling you about Mattie?" He nodded and looked up at me.
"You're who I'm named after," he said. "My name is Mattie, too." He smiled. He was a beautiful boy who looked just like Rian.
"Indeed so. I hear it's your birthday." He smiled and nodded.
"Uh-huh. I'm eight today."
I chuckled. "Well, happy birthday, Mattie. And it's very nice to meet you. I have something for you for your special day. You want it now?" I smiled and winked at him.
He nodded. "Well, I heard you like video games from a little birdy, is that right?" He nodded and smiled. From my pocket, I pulled out an envelope and handed it to him.
"Can I open it now, Mommy?" He asked her, his eyes bright with excitement.
"This is your day, baby. Open it now if you like." She stood up and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. The way she squeezed me, so slightly, was more like an affirmation that I was really standing next to her.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Mommy, look!" He showed her the Game Stop gift card with a huge smile. "It's for a hundred dollars!"
"Wow," she agreed with him, a smile of her own smeared across her face. Her cheeks were bright with happiness and I smiled at them both. "You really made out with that one, didn't you."
He smiled at me. "Thank you, Uncle Matt." He threw himself at me and hugged me tightly. I hugged him back with equal fervor. "This is really cool! I know just what I'll get with it!" He looked to Rian. "Can I go show Daddy?"
She laughed. "Go show him." We watched him scamper away and in all his excitement show his father his gift. "You've got yourself a lifelong friend now."
I smiled at her. "I wouldn't mind that at all." I looked around before meeting her gaze. "You've done well for yourself, Ri. You're happy?"
She smiled at me. "I didn't know how happy happy could be until I met Brennan. He treats me like a queen. He's really helped me get past everything from back then. And the kids...they're my light and my life. Yes, I'm very happy. Are you happy?"
I glanced over at Mykel, who was in a discussion about tattoos with Brennan, and Liz, who was playing with the kids. "Yes. I'm still learning what it means to be happy...and loved...but those two saved me. Some days are easier than others, you know?"
She nodded, her smile dropping the slightest bit. "I know what you mean. Mattie..." She hesitated.
"Rian, listen. What happened...its over. We both got away from them eventually. We're both in better places. And while we still have a lot to discuss and whatnot...I don't want you to feel guilty your whole life. We can both learn to let it go and move on. And we will talk more in-depth about things...but not today. No apologies. No regrets. Not today. Deal?"
She smiled and hugged me again. "I can agree to that. Thank you. Let me introduce you to everyone else." Linking her arm in mine we walked over to where Mykel and Brennan stood by the pit.
"Hey, baby." He leaned over and kissed her sweetly. "You must be the famous Mattie." He stuck out his hand to me. "Brennan. It's good to finally meet you."
"It's really good to meet you, too." I smiled at him and he returned it. With the look in his eyes, it made me wonder what exactly Rian had told him about me. It wasn't a hostile look, but one of admiration.
"This little beauty," Rian said holding the baby, "is Cory. Say hi to your uncle, Cory." She waved shyly, her cheeks a bright pink.
"You are a little beauty, aren't you," I said running the tip of my finger along her cheek. She giggled and I was in love. When she reached for me, Rian handed her over with a look of shock. "Hi, there," I said as I swayed her gently back and forth.
"I can honestly say she's never done that before. She's not a people person." I smiled wider. "She likes you."
Daniel came running up to us then, completely out of breath. "Mommy, can I have some juice?"
"Have whatever you want, baby. Daniel, this is your Uncle Mattie."
"Hi," he said looking up at me. "I never knew I had an uncle. Are you going to be staying?"
I smiled at him. "Now that I've gotten back in touch with your mommy here, I plan on being around for a long, long time."
He smiled. "Good. It's made Mommy happy." He grabbed a juice then and ran back to where Liz and Mattie played.
Soon after we are eating dinner and Mattie opened his other presents, including the other gift I'd brought for him. An avid baseball card collector, I gave him a pack of cards. Not just any cards, but rookie cards of some of his favorite players. He was delighted. We all talked and laughed and had a good time. The mood was easy and light as if the past Rian and I ran away from didn't exist.
Once the kids were in bed, Mykel and Liz helped clean up while Rian and I talked in the backyard. We sat on the porch steps, our legs and arms touching. "Thank you for coming today. It means a lot to me. And the kids love you." She smiled at me.
"I'm pretty fond of them, too. They're great kids. You've got a great family, Rian. I'm really happy for you. And I'm really proud of you."
She smiled. "Thank you. Liz and Mykel are pretty amazing as well. Mykel has eyes for you like I've never seen."
It was my turn to smile. "They're the best things in my life. I don't think I would have survived without them. Liz...I've known her longer than Mykel. I've worked for her for a few years now. She...gave me my life back. Gave me a chance. Pulled me out of the rain quite literally."
"Mattie bear, I-" she stopped and looked at me. "Sorry. I know you told me not to call you that anymore."
I smiled sadly at her. "I was wrong. Don't stop calling me that. I missed that as much as I missed you. And despite it all, I really have missed you. I thought about you all the time."
"You did?" She sounded surprised.
"I did. And not just to damn your name...I hoped you were doing alright. That you were alive. That you found something better than what you left."
"I...really missed you, too. I really didn't want to leave you, Mattie. I don't know if you believe that...or if you ever will. I can never make it up to you. I can never erase what they did to you."
"Nor I you. We were both scared kids. I was mad at you for a long time. But really and honestly, Rian, I'm not anymore. I'm happy for you. And...I forgive you, Rian. All I want now is to start over again. I've no doubt we will have many conversations and many tears shed together over what's happened...but I won't allow what happened back then to mar what we are building now. Thank you, Rian, for wanting me in your life."
"Oh, Mattie bear," she hugged me tightly. "I always wanted you in my life. I love you so much and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't stop them. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you."
"I'm sorry, too. And I love you, too. Maybe we can finish healing together."
She pulled back wiping her eyes and she smiled at me. "I'd really like that." As one we stood and embraced once more she said, "Thank you, Mattie, for allowing me to be a part of your life again. You have no idea how much it means to me."
"Yes, I do. It means just as much to me."
We parted then as Mykel walked up to us. He smiled at me, his arm wrapping around my waist. "You okay?" He kissed my cheek and I nodded.
"Yeah. I am." I smiled at him and he smiled back. "Time to go?"
"If you're ready, mon bonheur. You look tired."
I nodded. "I'm exhausted." I looked to Rian. "We'll have to get together again soon. Sound good?"
"Sounds like a date, little brother." I smiled, my heart leaping in my chest. I hugged her again.
"I had a really good time. Thank you for inviting us."
"Thank you for coming." She showed us to the front door and we all said our goodbyes. "Drive safe. Let me know when you get home?"
I smiled again. "I will. I promise. Brennan, it was really good to meet the man that's made my sister so happy."
He pulled me into a hug and I returned it. "It's good to finally meet my brother-in-law. You three be safe."
When we arrived back home I was utterly exhausted. Emotionally. Physically. While we had a great time together, seeing her wasn't the easiest. Nor did I expect it to be. I wasn't feeling overly emotional or like I was going to break down like the last time, but seeing her brought with it memories I'd just as soon forget. There was still so much to be said between us but I was glad that I now had that opportunity.
"How you doing?" Mykel asked once we were upstairs in his room. He pulled me down under the covers with him, his body warm against mine.
"Not as bad as I thought I'd be once we got home. I won't say it was all easy...but I think I'm okay."
He smiled lightly and kissed me. "Good. I was kinda worried about it."
"I know you were. Honestly, I was too. Growth?"
"You always amaze me with your strength, my sweet baby." He chuckled as I blushed.
"Sometimes I don't know how you see me as so strong, Mykel. But I love you for it."
He ran the back of his knuckles down my cheek. "Because you are strong, Mattie. Probably the strongest person I know." I looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "I'm serious. Tears and fears aren't a weakness. But the fact that you pushed on with your life, even in those moments you wanted it to end...the fact that you fought to live...before and after you left your parents' house. That you let people into your heart to love you. That you love so purely...that you made the step you did tonight as well as when you first said you wanted to meet with Rian after what happened at the shop...it all shows strength, baby. And I'm so proud of you."
I kissed him, conveying everything through that kiss that I couldn't form into words. "I love you, Mykel."
He smiled as he pulled me closer to him, wrapping arms and legs alike around me. "I love you, too, mon bonheur. More than you'll ever know."
It was a few days later that we were all walking the city. Liz had some shopping to do and Mykel and I decided to tag along for the day. We stopped and had lunch and I was surprised to notice that the crowds in the stores and city, in general, didn't make me feel as anxious as it once had. I smiled to myself as we walked down the semi-busy sidewalk on our way to the final place Liz needed to visit.
There was a new bakery supply store that had opened recently and Liz had mentioned how she wanted to take a look, as some of the machines we worked with she wanted to update. We were about a block from the store when everything went to shit.
"Well, well, well," said a slurring voice from behind us that I did not recognize. I looked to my right when I felt Mykel's hand clench around mine. "If it isn't little Mykel McGee."
Mykel slowly turned around, his face a shade of angry I had never before witnessed. I glanced to Liz who had a matching expression of hatred. "Get the fuck away from me," Mykel told the man with such malice in his tone that had it been directed at me, would have made me shrink away. To this day, I have never seen more hatred in his eyes for one single person. The man was disheveled, dirty, and clearly drunk.
Ignoring Mykel completely he said, "You killed my son, you son-of-a-bitch."
Liz, at this point, had said nothing. She simply watched, her face equal to Mykel's. "No, you killed your son. You killed him every day of his life until finally, he couldn't take it anymore. You, who disowned him. You, who beat him. I was the only bit of happiness he ever knew. And didn't that light a fire under your ass." Mykel's fists clenched, having let go of my hand when he turned around.
"It was supposed to be you," the man said. "It should have been you." He glared at Mykel. "I told him if he didn't leave you would get hurt." The man looked almost smug as he said this.
"You what?" That was Liz. I looked at her, her face was pale and shock-filled. Mykel's face remained hard as stone, but I could see the emotional response behind his eyes. "The only person you have to blame for Kaiden's death is yourself, you selfish fucking lowlife." She looked to Mykel. "Mykel, let's go." Mykel didn't move. It was as if he didn't know she has spoken at all.
"Give me one good reason I shouldn't fucking kill you where you stand." He took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "You want to know what it was like to cut him down from that rope? You want to know that he was still warm when I found him. How much he fucking hated you to the very core of his being...you killed your son, Mr. Jones. You killed him by taking away everything that kept him alive. Live with that. Liz, let's go." Without another word or a glance at either of us, Mykel turned around and walked away. We headed back toward the car, the supply store long forgotten. Mykel didn't say another word as he walked or as we drove home. I watched his face from the back seat, having slid behind Liz when entering the car. His face was flushed and red at the same time. I knew that that final night with Kaiden was replaying in horror movie fashion across his memory, that each event leading up to Mykel watching the EMT's cart him away in a body bag as he brokenly sat by and watched. Liz also kept sending him subtle glances, worry etching her face. Quietly she wiped her cheeks as she drove, the news she'd just received in such a harsh mannerism a blunder to her soul. I wanted to say something. Anything to make them both feel better, but there was nothing to say to ever take away the pain of Kaiden's suicide. For either of them.
When we got home Mykel went straight from the car to his room and shut the door without a word to either of us. Liz walked into her room, leaving her door open and I followed behind her. I glanced up to where I knew Mykel would be, damning reality where people didn't actually have X-Ray vision. How badly I wanted to go to him, but something told me to give him space. I sat down next to Liz on the bed, having kicked off my shoes. "Are you alright?" I knew the answer to the question before I asked, but with a lack of anything else to say...she shook her head.
"No. No, not in the least." She let out a shaky breath. "If Kaiden thought Mykel would be killed...God, Mattie...Kaiden knew Mykel well enough to know that he wouldn't settle for him just leaving because he was told to do it. Mykel said he was going to leave him. He was packing when Mykel came home that night...but he already knew what he was going to do, even as he packed. I knew Kaiden well enough to know that. And so did Mykel." She looked upward also. Neither of us heard a sound coming from his room.
"You don't think that he would..." I couldn't finish the sentence, my heart leaping into my throat at the thought of Mykel hurting himself with this new information. He blamed himself before...I could only guess what was going through his mind now.
She hesitated before answering, not sounding as sure as I wanted her to sound. "No. I really don't think he would."
"I need to go check on him." I was up and out of her room before she could protest. My heart hammered behind my ribs as I raced up the stairs, suddenly terrified of what I might walk into. I burst into his room, my breath catching in my lungs. I didn't see him. The room was empty. "Mykel?" I walked further into the room, making my way to the bathroom. The light was on, shining under the closed door. I knocked lightly. "Mykel?" I tried the knob and it turned. Slowly I pushed it open. "Mykel, what are you doing?" I asked him, my voice shaking as pure terror gripped every part of my being.
"How easy it is, Mattie? How easy is it to just..." The knife he held in his hand made its way to his wrist.
"Mykel, stop! Liz! Liz!" As I screamed her name I rushed to him, grabbing his wrist and pushing it away from the blade. "Mykel, stop it." I heard Liz rushing up the stairs. Tears pooled in my eyes and ran freely. "Don't do this."
"Oh, god, Mykel," Liz said as she came upon the scene. She approached him slowly. "Mykel, give me the knife."
He looked at her, his eyes red and glassy. I'd never seen that much pain in his eyes before or since that day. "Why? It really was my fault, Liz. He died because of me."
Liz pried the knife from his hand and he dropped his arm to his side. "Mykel, where did you cut yourself?" I looked at Liz in horror, my eyes drawn to the blade. There was blood on it. I looked to where my hand rested against his wrist, feeling for the first time in my state of panic the sticky substance under my palm.
"Liz, get me a towel," I told her. Her eyes shifted to where I held his wrist. "Liz!" She snapped out of it suddenly and reached for a towel. Mykel said nothing else, his eyes leaking tears unnoticed, his mind far away in a past he could never forget. "Turn on the water. Warm but not too hot." I took the towel from her as she did what I said on auto-pilot. I wiped the area. "It isn't too deep," I said and I slid his arm under the water. There would be a scar, but he didn't need stitches. Gently I cleaned the wound. "Liz, I need some bandages and something to wrap his arm with." I pulled his arm from under the water and gently dried off what I could before tying the towel tightly around his wrist. Without a word, Liz left the room in search of the supplies I needed. I could feel the anger welling within me at what he'd done to himself but kept it tightly under wraps. Now was not the time to let out that particular emotion. Liz came back in short order with what I needed and I took great care in wrapping it tightly enough to staunch the rest of the bleeding. "How much of this stuff do you have?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "Not much. Just...just this."
I nodded to her. "Okay, we're going to need more. The bleeding will stop soon enough, but it'll need to be changed soon." Once I had Mykel's wrist wrapped, I turned to Liz. "Can you go get more supplies?" She nodded, her eyes locked on her brother, but I knew she didn't hear me. I gripped her shoulders lightly. "Liz." She looked to me, her eyes full of fear. "I need you to go get some more bandages, okay? Can you do that for me, please?"
She nodded again. "Yeah." She cleared her throat but it did nothing for the roughness of her voice. "Yeah, I can do that. I'll uh, I'll be right back."
When she left I turned back to Mykel who had taken a seat on the closed toilet lid. His face was hidden from my view by his large hands. I knelt down coming to his level. "Mykel. Come on, baby." I led him to the bed and pulled the covers down to allow him to climb into it. He did without a word. The look in his eyes then scared me just as much as when I saw him putting that blade to his wrist. His eyes were blank, deadened, but with such a deep, resonate despair I wondered if I had lost him anyway. I sat beside him on the bed, my hands running through his hair. I tried to control my own emotions, but couldn't stop the tears that slowly fell. "Why would you do this?" I didn't expect an answer and I didn't get one. He just kept staring into his own personal horror and I could do nothing but watch him self-destruct.
Liz came back just under twenty minutes later. She hesitated in walking through the threshold of his bedroom but made her way slowly over to me. She set the plastic bag on the nightstand next to me before walking around to the other side of the bed and climbing in next to her brother. She sat, her bent knee along his upper leg, her hands slowly tracing up and down his uninjured arm. No one said a word as we both watched him fall deeper and deeper into that darkness he'd finally found his way out of.