It has been almost four days since I've been home. I spent one night at Lorenzo's house and two at the clinic. I felt better as long as I was away from James. I needed to admit it: I was scared. I couldn't trust James anymore at all. I didn't know what to expect anymore. He grabs me by my wrists and tightens his grip roughly, he and his brother threatened a man with a gun, he doesn't let me do what I want, yet he tells me he loves me and begs me to stay. But the worst thing was what happened to Avery. I still wasn't completely sure, but James was unpredictable.
It was another long day at the clinic. Mostly sitting at my desk and drowning in my own thoughts and fears. I wasn't well. I constantly felt stuck, like I was falling into the same hole as soon as I climbed up. I barely ate, my nights included about two or three hours of sleep and I was just feeling terrible.
Tasha tried to help me, she even came to the clinic and brought me food, tried cheering me up and talking to me. But it all felt needless. Most of the food lay on the small table by the wall in front of my desk and went bad. I was stuck and I couldn't get out. And the meeting with the great Nathaniel King that I needed to go to in a week was probably not going to work anyways.
Lorenzo tried to reach me several times. I answered once, lied that everything was okay and that I was just busy. Ofcourse, that man didn't believe me. He always noticed how I truly felt. He was really incredible. But did a man as wonderful as him deserve a woman like me? Someone with barely a hint of hope, someone lost and stuck with so many problems, someone who wasn't even able to build a family. He deserved better. Maybe his love for Donna would come back, just like she did. Marco deserved a good family and Lorenzo... He deserved true happiness.
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On the way to my appartment, I was shaking, feeling a lump of fear in my chest. I cracked my fingers one by one, which I never did, nervous, scared to enter my own appartment. It was late, James was probably in a bar or somewhere like that by now anyways, was what I kept telling myself.
I entered the appartment slowly, stepping in like I was sneaking into someone else's house.
❞James?❞ I shouted, swallowing hardly.
I heard footsteps and a rustling sound, coming closer and closer and becoming clearer and clearer. I swallowed again, not even noticing my eyes that stretched out like they've just seen a ghost.
❞Ma'am?❞ Martha spoke with her soft voice, appearing from the guest bedroom where she used to sleep sometimes.
I sighed and leaned on the wall, ❞Martha, it's just you.❞ I closed my eyes.
Martha looked confused for a second, but her expression radiated grief, disappointment and a hint of anger. That was when I noticed the two bags held by her weak, veiny hands. And her maid uniform under her arm.
I felt my eyebrows scrunch in confusion, my eyes going from the bags in her hands to the uniform and up to her sad brown eyes. I was just about to ask her if something happened, but she started speaking as
soon as she saw my mouth open.
❞I'm sorry, ma'am.❞ Was the first thing she said, ❞I can't continue working for you.❞ She paused for a second, ❞You've treated me better than I expected ever since I started my job here. You stood up for me when your husband was being... rude, you gave me days off to see my grand-children whenever I could, you paid me more than I deserved.❞
She inhaled deeply, ❞Thank you, ma'am. I'm very grateful.❞
❞Martha...❞ My voice was so low, I almost whispered.
❞But these days... Your husband comes home later than ever, he drinks too much and continues even when he comes home. He... He shouts, and yells, and he throws things on the floor...
I'm sorry ma'am, but I can't be in a workplace like this.❞
I saw a reflection of myself in her eyes. She was scared too. She didn't trust James either,
she didn't knew what he was capable of doing.
❞Martha, I'm sorry, you didn't deserve this.❞ I apologized for all the years she needed to stand out with James's rude comments like ❜Why is there still dust on the table?❜, ❜Why is there a stain on your uniform?❜, or ❜Why don't you work faster?❜.
Martha put down her bags, laying her uniform on top of one of the bags and came closer. She cupped my cheek with her shaking hand and looked me into my eyes.
❞You don't deserve this. You have a pure heart, my child. You're good to people. You deserve good.❞ She spoke and I could feel all my face muscles scrunch together, feeling the liquid gathering in my eyes. ❞James wasn't made for you. And I know it took you a long time to realize that. Love sometimes does make us blind. But I've watched you grow, especially in the last few months. Don't let him stop you. Live. I hope you find someone who deserves to be your last thought before you fall asleep.❞ She expressed, making me take her hand in mine and squeeze it.
❞Thank you, Martha.❞ I whispered, my tears falling into my mouth.
She grabbed her uniform and gave it to me, looking at it with memories rushing through her head. She was in my life for a very long time. When I started working, when I bought my own car and drove her to her grandchildren, when I got married. She was the only one besides my mother who knew about my miscarriages.
She gave me one last smile, as weak as her shaky hands, before she grabbed her bags and stepped out of the appartment. She hestitated to turn around, but she didn't. The elevator closed and she was gone.
I dried my tears and went to take a shower. I let the warm water cover my entire body, including my face, before I turned the water colder and colder. I stood still for a moment, letting the water drops fall down my face and down my naked body.
Just when I was about to lie down on the bed and try to get some actual hours of sleep, I noticed my phone light up.
I opened the message.
Lorenzo
Just wanted to let you know that you're the one on my mind, while I'm lying here alone. Good night.
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5:40 a.m.
As the door opened, hitting the wall hardly, I woke up instantly and sat up quickly. It was fascinating how much fear could enter your body in just a second. I heard the door shut close and James's voice singing and shouting. I tried to calm down, breathing heavly. My breathing was almost impossible to slow down.
I took slow and small steps til I found myself outside of the bedroom. James was shaking off his shoes and dragging his legs as he went towards the kitchen.
❞Martha!❞ He shouted. ❞Martha! Where is the vodka you were supposed to buy?!❞ He continued to shout.
His words were unclear, he mumbled and rambled, dragging his feet on the floor.
❞Shit!❞ He mumbled as he stumbled, supporting himself on the wall.
James was worse than I was. I've never seen him with such dark bags under his eyes, greasy, messy hair and stained clothes. He continued looking for the vodka to make his condition even worse than it already was. I came closer, but James was too drunk to notice.
❞James.❞
He immediately turned around. ❞Catherine? Catherine!❞ He exclaimed, hurrying up to me.
He hugged me surprisingly gently. The smell of sweat, grease and the alcohol entered my nostrils, making me frown.
❞I missed you so much. I was worried sick.❞ He hiccuped. ❞But I know you're a strong woman, Catherine, you can take care of yourself.❞ He tried to speak confidently. ❞Don't leave like that again, Catherine. I love you. Don't leave me.❞ He tried to kiss me, but I just hugged him.
❞James, go to sleep.❞
❞No. I want to be with you.❞ He hiccuped again. ❞It's so weird!❞ He shouted suddenly. ❞That I feel so... so... Alone without you. When you're not with me, it's like... it's like... I'm not even living. It's crazy!❞ He laughed.
❞James, it's almost six in the morning, be quiet.❞ I held my voice low and calm.
❞But I love you!❞ He continued to shout. ❞How do you do that, Catherine? How do you make me feel this way, that I'm-I'm lost without you. I know I've hurt you, but I love you.❞ He hiccuped once again, cupping my cheek. ❞I know you understand.❞ He nodded. ❞You're such a great wife, I never want to let you go.❞
I couldn't hold myself, ❞If you love me, why can't you let go? For my sake?❞
He looked at me in confusion, trying to come up with an answer.
❞I-I can't. Because I love you. Why would someone let go of someone they love? That's just... Stupid.❞
❞Do you want to make me happy, James?❞ I asked.
❞Ofcourse.❞ He said in confusion.
❞Then what if the only way I could be happy was if you let go?❞
Silence. Even his drunk self didn't know what to say. He rubbed his eyes and frowned.
❞I want you to be with me. I can change.❞ He said, making me let out a weak laugh.
❞Change? How could you change?❞
He thought for a second, ❞I'll be how you want me to be. I'll even start working! I'll spend more time with you. I'll-I'll... Send you little love notes!❞
The last thing he said caught my attention.
❞Did you... Did you send love notes in high school too?❞
❞No. I mean yes.❞ He answered, mumbling.
I took a deep breath. ❞To whom?❞
He held his head and moaned in pain. ❞I was young and I wanted a girl that was a little younger than me. I had heard that those girls liked little love notes so I tried to impress her with those.❞ He explained, ❞But I'll write you letters! Long love letters! Not little notes, you deserve more.❞
It was all I needed to hear to be completely frightened. It was James. Not did he only touch Avery against her will, he was a father of two children. And it looked like he didn't even know.
I slowly took a step back. I did not have any energy for any type of reaction. James was full of surprises, and they were all negative. But this, I had no words. What he did to that poor young woman.
❞What was her name?❞ I whispered.
❞I don't remember. Wait.❞ He held his pounding head. ❞Amber! Or Anna... No, Avery was her name. But it was just a little fling in high school, she's not important anymore, you are.❞
Ofcourse she is. She's the mother of your two children.
❞Let's sleep, James.❞ I managed to say, even though it was with a low, hurt voice.
He fell asleep in a minute, while I just sat on the bed, beside a monster.
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Donna
It wasn't working. Lorenzo's thoughts focused on something else. But it couldn't be a woman, could it? No, he loved me too much for that. Thinking of all the days and nights we spent together, made me feel so helpless.
Why couldn't he just take me back?
I could see he got so grown up, succesful, wealthy. He was the perfect man. And our child... I guess he started liking me, he's just a little kid after all. He doesn't know anything, but that wasn't important. I could see Lorenzo was weak every time he looked at us two together. Seeing me and Marco hug or laugh together, made him smile every time.
My way to Lorenzo's heart was through Marco.
I knocked on the door, perfecting my clothes and my hair one last time. Soon, I saw Lorenzo standing in front of me, in his dark grey robe.
❞Donna? It's only 9 o'clock.❞ He spoke with his husky voice.
❞9? Oh, I thought it was like 11! I woke up so early, made breakfast and I even cleaned the appartment, I thought it was more than 9 o'clock.❞ I tried to laugh it away. ❞I hope I can come in. I really wanted to see you. And Marco.❞
Lorenzo itched his head, without saying anything. I smiled at him and stepped in.
❞I can make you breakfast.❞ I smiled at him as I took off my jacket.
He looked like he hestitated. ❞Breakfast? You hate making food.❞ He said in confusion.
❞There are many things that changed, Enzo.❞ I smiled at him like I used to.
I spent the next twenty minutes making scrambled eggs with bacon, hating every minute of it. I never got how people could think it was relaxing, how Lorenzo loved to cook. It was stressful, you got to keep an eye on many things at once and it didn't even turn out good every time.
❞Thank you.❞ He said as I placed the plate on the table. ❞Shit.❞ He sighed as he looked at his phone.
❞Is something wrong?❞ I asked, sounding worried.
He spoke irritated, ❞The woman who usually watched Marco when I need to work just said she couldn't come today.❞ He rested his head on his hand.
I got an idea. ❞That's no problem. I can watch him.❞
Lorenzo was surprised. But he also hestitated.
❞I don't know, you don't need to-❞
❞I'd be glad to do it. I love spending time with Marco.❞ I said.
Lorenzo agreed. Unfortunately, it didn't take long until he needed to leave for work. I was just sitting on the couch, watching TV with Marco.
❞Can we go for a walk? I want to take pictures outside while there's snow.❞ Marco asked suddenly.
I doubtfully spoke, ❞I don't know if that's a good idea Marco. It's very cold outside. I don't want you to get sick.❞ Marco's expression went quite sad. ❞Why don't you show me some pictures?❞
He agreed and ran up to get his camera. I sighed and leaned back in the couch. I needed to admit that there was a hint of happiness in my heart when I first hugged Marco. It was a feeling of completion, wamrth and I never felt so before. But I never saw myself with children. I never wanted one.
I was taking drugs before I got pregnant. When Lorenzo was busy with work or when he just wasn't home, I felt so alone. But I wasn't addicted. I could control myself. But Lorenzo didn't think that way. It was another lonely night, I sat on the toilet waiting for the pregnancy result. And even when I found out I was carrying a child inside of me, I felt alone. Those were big news, but for me, they weren't good. This was never my wish.
First, I didn't want to tell Lorenzo. I wanted to get rid of it quickly, without him knowing. But one night, that damn night, he confronted me when he found out about my drugs. It was our first, big fight and when it came to those, I couldn't hold my mouth shut. So he found out I was pregnant as I screamed at his face.
When I found out I was pregnant, it felt like my whole world collided. The only thought in my head was ❜I didn't want this❜. But Lorenzo, he was incredibly happy. I loved Lorenzo, and he loved me. Even if I didn't want to have a child, I didn't want to take away his happiness either. So I stopped using drugs. I really did. For Lorenzo.
But it all became too much. I was only a few months in and there were so many doctor appointments, even some extra ones as Lorenzo wanted to make sure everything was perfect. I appreciated it, I really did. But I couldn't be truly happy about something I never wanted. Lorenzo on the other side, the baby was all he talked about.
❜How are you?❜, ❜Is the baby fine?❜, ❜Did you eat today?❜, ❜Did you feel anything strange?❜, ❜Don't do this❜, ❜Don't do that❜, ❜What if it affects the baby?❜ was what I was hearing on the daily basis. He was so worried and so excited, while I secretely hoped I would lose it. Some would think I'm cruel, but how could you live a nightmare? A baby was the last thing I wanted. It included sharing my partner with someone else, so much more responsibility, someone who was about to be in your life forever. I wasn't ready for that. And I was young.
After a few months, I found something that used to make me feel better, and it was going to be my way out once again, was what I thought at least. I got so frustrated after feeling so alone, I went to Lorenzo job to see him. He immediately thought something happened, and I told him I just wanted to see him. He was glad, but he didn't move his eyes from his computer. He continued working and helping his father to expand his company. I tried to talk to him, but it felt horrible not having him to even look up at me. On the way home, I saw a girl standing by a car. It seemed like she just took something from someone that was sitting in the car. And I knew what it was. I had done it before. So I approached the car.
That was the night it became a problem, but before that I never saw it as a problem. It would make me feel better, and if I got lucky it would help me get rid of my child. But it didn't take long until Lorenzo found out. He always flushed it down the toilet, made me go to several appointments that were going to help me. I could stop for a month, but I started again.
Marco was born earlier. I didn't even hold him. I just saw him get carried away. I was so busy thinking of how much I didn't want this, that I felt numb while I saw my own son getting carried away, not even having a chance to hold him. That's when I realized I couldn't do this. I just couldn't. What would happen now? I didn't know the answer. I couldn't be a mother. Nor a fiance. So I disappeared, leaving Lorenzo a note. It hurt. Damn, it hurt writing that little note.
I was far away, not having money to buy the one thing that I really needed. I didn't take it as much as before, but it was still a way out for me. Two months ago, I got clean. It felt so good not having the urge to snort something to feel better. I succeded with making Lorenzo think I was forced to take drugs, but I really wasn't. But when someone mentioned Lorenzo's family, just like I did as I told him his father got threatened, he couldn't focus on anything else. It was good this way, he would never know I started taking it because of him, but that Marco was the reason it developed into an actual problem.
❞Here.❞ Marco said as he sat down next to me, holding an expensive camera. ❞Look, I took this one yesterday. You can almost see the exact shape of the snowflake.❞
❞It's really pretty.❞ I said.
He continued showing me multiple pictures, talking about what they expressed. He really had a thing for photography. Marco was an unusual kid. He liked long walks, photography, reading and he seemed very smart for his age. He was strange, I never met someone with his condition. Lorenzo told me about it, but I didn't understand most of it. I understood being forced to do something, but like that? It was like his brain had several addictions. But it wasn't as bad as Lorenzo told me. Maybe treatments really do help, even for someone with a condition like his.
He showed me pictures for an hour or so, but it felt like hours. I looked away, taking a deep breath as he continued focusing on going through the pictures.
❞Oh, and this was the first picture I took with this camera. It was on Christmas. It's my favorite.❞ He spoke happily.
I slowly turned my head back to look at the picture. Marco was just about to shut off his camera.
❞Wait, show me the picture.❞ I rushed my words. ❞Who is that?❞
The blonde woman on the picture caught my attention. She looked so put-together with her big curls, blue blouse and the bright smile on her lips. They were all smiling. It reflected true happiness. That was when I noticed Lorenzo. His smile. It was so wide and bright, making small wrinkles appear beside his eyes.
They looked more like a family than we ever did. Who was she? She couldn't be together with Lorenzo, could she?
❞That's Catherine.❞ Was the only thing he said.
❞Is your dad together with her?❞ I asked, before thinking anything.
Marco looked down, ❞I... don't think so.❞
❞Marco tell me the truth.❞ I commanded.
He looked up at me, studying my expression.
❞Why are you upset?❞ He noticed.
I shook my head and frowned.
❞Upset? Oh no, sweetie I'm not upset. I'm just curious.❞ I out myself together. ❞Is she a friend of yours?❞ I inquired.
❞She's my best friend.❞ He concurred immediately. ❞She helps me with my thoughts. I feel a lot better because of her. You should meet her.❞
❞Is she your psychiatrist?❞ I continued asking.
❞You're upset. Why?❞
❞I'm not upset!❞ I accidently screamed. ❞I just want to know who she is.❞ I forced a smile.
This little kid. How could he notice things like this? He was just a kid! He looked away from me, before he made his way up the stairs and to his room.
Was that woman the reason Lorenzo didn't focus on me?