The next morning I found myself squished by weight on top of me but also to my side where my arm had practically lost all of its feeling. My groggy eyes opened to see Camila's brunette hair scattered all over my face as the smaller girl was wrapped around me like a koala bear, still peacefully sleeping. I turned my head and blew her hair out of my face so that I could see Normani also asleep where she was gripping onto my arm tightly. There was no way I was going to be able to escape both girls who were practically laying on top of me so I pretty much just accepted my fate and continued to lay sprawled out on the couch with my legs still on top of the coffee table. I reached my unoccupied arm up so that I could brush Camila's hair out of my face because now it was starting to restrict my breathing ability. Granted, I could have been feeling a lot worse right now had Normani and Camila not shown up to try to help.
They kept my mind off of the horrible decisions I had made the day before and off of the girl I was hopeless falling for. I didn't know why my life had to turn out like this and why I had to fall for the one girl I couldn't have. I wished I was physically capable of caring for someone like Lauren but the harsh truth was that I didn't know how. I didn't know what I needed to do in order to make it so that Lauren didn't fall unhappy while she was under my care. Maybe that was something I should have done before I gave up so quickly. Then again I couldn't do much about it now other than just sulk to myself and try to get over my huge mistake. I sighed to myself before leaning my head back against the couch in hopes that it would stretch out my sore body. These girls could party all night long I'm sure because they did nothing but keep me up all night long until I absolutely could not hang any longer.
I guess they achieved their goal of keeping my mind off of Lauren. I actually found out the Camila only knew I had gotten heartbroken by another girl, not that the other girl was my autistic patient Lauren Jauregui. I could actually be grateful for Normani that she didn't tell Camila literally everything about the situation because I don't think Camila could keep her trap shut. It wasn't that Camila loved drama or that she loved starting shit, but she just literally had no filter in front of anyone and I was nervous that the wrong person could be listening. Of course the brunette had my best intentions at heart and what would happen, most likely, is that she would try to ask me about the situation and try to make me feel better, but she would let out too much information to the wrong ears on accident. I could never blame Camila if that were to happen because that's just how she is, but I was glad that we didn't have to take that chance at this point.
My stomach began to growl lightly as my hunger struck me early this morning. I still didn't know what the exact time what but it seemed as if the sun had just barely risen in the sky as it was still a little dark outside. I was able to push Camila off of me and onto Normani who immediately snuggled into the small Cuban who had taken my place. I went to the kitchen to make myself my morning coffee and some for if the girls decided they wanted some too before I grabbed my laptop so that I could sit down on the stool just underneath the counter. I fired up the laptop and went to the first search engine that popped up for researching more about autism. Subconsciously, my hand lifted up to my mouth and I nervously bit down on my nails as my eyes scanned the page full of facts about autism and what it's caused by. I realized I may have thought I knew more than the average person about autism but in all reality I didn't know shit.
Each new fact kept me on the edge of the seat as the scent of freshly brewed coffee started to fill my nose. I quickly looked to my left to see that the coffee was just starting to brew before I looked over to my right, seeing the two girls still sleeping while they were snuggled up to one another. I didn't know how I could have been so stupid as to not have done my research before allowing Lauren to stay at my house for an extended period of time. All of this was making much more sense than my brain could handle so early in the morning but something in me prevented me from stopping. My eyes continued to scrutinize every page that came up on the screen while I tried so desperately to understand exactly what I was reading. Much of it made sense but other parts were way too complicated for my scope as a person trying to deal with another who had autism, but even too complicated for me as a physician. I don't specialize in autism for obvious reasons now; this was way too complicated for my brain to handle. A page I had pulled up listed several important factors for autism.
• Pervasive developmental disorder characterized by impairment of social interaction
~ Severe behavioral problems
~ Repetitive motor activites
~ Impairment in verbal and nonverbal skills
• Wide spectrum of disability
• Failure to use or understand nonverbal means of communicating
• No explanation of why autism develops
~ Affects males four times greater than females
~ Typically diagnosed by age 3 years
• Older adults may not be diagnosed
• Medical needs are similar to peers without autism
"What are you looking at?" I suddenly heard beside me which caused me to jump a mile out of my seat. The table clanged against the floor with my movement and I could hear a groan coming from the living room. My heart rate increased twice its normal speed as I looked over my shoulder to spot Camila behind me; the one who scared the absolute shit out of me. I cursed under my breath before running my hands through my hair to try to calm myself down somewhat. I don't know how she could have scared me so bad but I was too into my research that I didn't even hear her come into the kitchen. I watched as the shorter girl looked at me expectantly, reaching for a banana from the fruit bowl in the middle of the table that was slightly out of place from my movement. I let out a deep breath and stood from my seat so that I could finally grab myself a cup of coffee since it was ready. I leaned against the counter with my mug in my hand while Camila looked at me like she hadn't just scared the fuck out of me.
I narrowed my eyes at the Cuban subconsciously as I sipped on my coffee. "Research. It's about autism." I stated dryly, still a little mad that Camila had to do me dirty like that, even if she didn't necessarily mean. That's totally something the younger girl would do; scare the shit out of someone and not know why. Camila raised her eyebrow in confusion as she went to my laptop to see if that was really what I was doing. I watched as her brown orbs danced across the screen just as my own had did moments before she scared me. The coffee that I was drinking was slowly waking my body up to make me feel much better than I did when I woke up. While Camila was busy invading my laptop, I looked over to the living room to see Normani still sleeping, but the commotion most likely disturbed her for a short while before she settled back down. I wished I could sleep as easily at that but unfortunately what I had caused made it so that I didn't receive any rest like I needed to.
I was sure that I would show up to work tomorrow looking like absolute shit in the morning. I sighed at the thought before turning my attention to Camil who was done indicating that I was actually telling the truth. "Why? I didn't think you needed to know much about autism dealing with pediatric patients. I mean it's interesting and all but I'm just curious." Camila took a large bite of her banana while looking at me, her eyebrows still raised in questioning as I tried to come up with a lie on the spot. She couldn't know that I was trying to learn about autism because I was in love with a girl that was diagnosed with the same disease. I still didn't know how much Normani had told her but I was praying to god that it wasn't every little detail of my story; I didn't need that right now while I was trying to deal with my depressed self on top of everything else at this point. So, to buy myself a little more time, I slowly shrugged my shoulders and took another drink of my coffee while taking as much time as I could. Camila didn't seem to get what I was trying to do and for that I was really grateful.
"You know me, I just want to get as much information as possible. I've been seeing a lot more cases with autism and I wanted to get a general background of what it was and how to handle it." I bit the inside of my cheek, hoping that Camila would buy it. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in as soon as Camila shrugged her shoulders in response, taking my answer as a legit answer to her question. Thankfully she didn't press any further which allowed me to refill my mug with the still steaming hot coffee that served as a really good distraction right now. I knew that Camila hadn't yet left the kitchen since I could still hear her shuffling around in her spot, with the occasional clicking of the mousepad built into my laptop. I could even hear her fingers gliding across the surface of the mousepad as she searched for more answers that were displayed on the screen as if I had super hearing or something. Maybe it was just quiet; too quiet for my liking and too quiet for Camila.
"Is it because of that new patient that you got? She has autism right? I can't remember her name but I remember she had really pretty green eyes." I closed my eyes, knowing deep down that Camila wasn't done with inquisition. I kept my back facing the short Cuban while I tried to recollect myself. "She was really cute, and seemed to like you a lot. Have you seen her since her first appointment? I remember her mother asked for you to accompany them to a chiropractor appointment or something since the girl didn't like new people. I think it would have been really cute to see how she was with you again just knowing she already likes you." The brunette continued to ramble on as my body tensed at her words. Everything she brought up just kept shoving the knife that was already in my heart deeper and deeper which hurt me more than I could have ever put into words.
I had to clench my jaw to stop myself from saying anything I would regret. I had to be strategic about this if I was going to tell her anything more than she already knew. I wasn't even sure if I really wanted to tell Camila about my love interest or anything of the sort. From what I knew, she thought that I was almost starting to give into Dinah's advances since pretty much everyone in the office knew that the Polynesian was interested in me for some reason. That was another problem I had to face even though I would much rather not think about it at all. Lauren was the only one I wanted and I already happened to fuck that up for myself, for her. I let out a deep sigh once Camila grew quiet again and I knew that she was patiently awaiting my answer to her questions that she managed to place in the middle of all of that rambling. "No, it's not because of her. She may be a part but like I said, I've been seeing a lot more cases than usual and I was growing curious with it all. That's it." My jaw clenched again.
Camila hummed in acknowledgement but I wasn't sure if she was going to comment after that. It seemed like I had stunned her into silence with the way my words came out more harsh than I had intended them to but I couldn't help it. The shorter girl was forcing me to feel all of the feelings I didn't want to; I didn't want to be reminded of the pain I was currently suffering by pushing Lauren away from me. The worst part for me was knowing that Lauren didn't deserve any of this, she didn't deserve to hurt the way I had hurt her by forcing her away from me. I had to keep telling myself that this was for her own good but I couldn't even believe that anymore. Camila forcing all of these feelings to resurface was like a stab to the heart with each word that was spoken from the shorter girl. I didn't want to, but I was beginning to resent Camila in this moment for just a little while. I couldn't blame her for anything especially if she didn't know but she certainly wasn't helping my state of mind right now.
I turned around so that my back was leaning against the counter again and I was facing the short Cuban who had finished eating her banana. I had my mug resting against my chest while I awaited Camila's next move. I still wasn't sure if she was going to speak but if she was, Normani entered the kitchen before she had the chance. "Good morning guys." The darker skinned girl spoke, completely unaware of the tension that she had just stepped into. I didmd even know if Camila was aware of the tension but I surely didn't want to keep speaking about the topic. I watched as Normani grabbed a mug for herself for some coffee so that she could prepare it the way she had liked. I bid Normani good morning just as Camila did the same and from then on I could tell that Camila was completely unaware of the tension I was creating in my mind with the way I was feeling about Lauren. I had no right to get angry with Camila because in no way did she do anything wrong in this situation. She was just curious as to what I was on my laptop for so she decided to inquire about it.
The new information I came across wouldn't help me in the slightest with Lauren because it only raised more questions than before. I would never be capable enough to care for someone like Lauren, and it was simply because I just didn't have the knowledge. I thought I was going to be able to come in here and all would be perfect between the two of us but taking care of someone with autism required a lot more TLC than I ever thought was possible for someone like me. It wasn't fair to Lauren to have to stick with my inexperience and have to suffer in a household with someone that doesn't know how to care for her; for her to suffer living with someone she declared that she hated the night before. I continued to go back and forth in my mind about if this decision really was the best for Lauren or if it was completely destroying her like it was me. I hated the fact that she was crying for me while she was being forced away from my house, like she actually wanted to stay with me; like she actually didn't hate me like she had claimed.
"Y/N I thought you were done with all of the thinking after last night." Normani's voice broke me out of my thoughts and brought me back to the kitchen where the three of us were standing. Originally, the other two were in a conversation that I wasn't concerned with so it allowed me to get lost in my thoughts but I guess I was caught. "I know you're hurting but I don't think it's good for you to be so down about it. I'm sure you'll be able to fix it soon." Normani sipped on her coffee as she spoke but I just avoided her eyes. I really didn't want to be having this conversation again so early in the morning. So, I nodded my head in response to her words even though there was no question asked. I only nodded to get her off of my back for the day as her and Camila looked at me sympathetically. I really didn't like that look at all so that's why I tried getting the attention off of myself as quick as possible. The two girls went back to their previous conversation as I sauntered into the living room to sit down on the couch we had all fallen asleep on so that I could turn on the news.
I wouldn't be paying attention but I was hoping that Camila and Normani would think that I was actually doing something productive rather than moping around all day, which is what I was doing and is what I planned to be doing for the rest of the day until I had to go back to work tomorrow. Nothing special was going on from the TV's perspective but at least I looked like I was preoccupied once Camila and Normani resurfaced from the kitchen to join me in the living room. They continued their previous conversation but I had no idea what it was about; I wasn't listening anyways. I was just dreading the fact that we had to return to work the next day and I couldn't get over feeling like shit the whole time I was supposed to be enjoying the presence of my best friends while they tried to cheer me up. I knew that in the end, nothing was going to work like they had planned. Nothing would work unless I had Lauren back in my arms, where she belonged. But that wasn't going to happen any time soon.
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