song - control: halsey
TW: homophobic slurs
Cady groans as the sound of her alarm fills the air. She feels as though she has been hit by a bus. But her thoughts hit her harder. It's audition day.
She pulls her frail body out of bed, almost falling over. She heads downstairs, Nala following her. She lets Nala outside, heading back to the kitchen. She takes an orange out of fridge, slowing eating it. She eats only a few times a week and it's always something small. She wants to be thin, not dead.
She lets Nala back inside, heading back upstairs to get ready. It seems to go by in a blur. The next thing she knows, she's standing in front of her closet. She picks out a pair of blue jeans, a black long sleeve shirt, and an army green jacket. She slips the clothing on top of her small frame. She sighs, pulling up half of her hair up into a neat top knot. She pulls on her infamous black boots, grabs her bag, and heads downstairs.
Instead of water, her mom has made her tea to soothe her throat for auditions. Cady smiles at her mom, her mom understanding that today Cady will be nonverbal. It doesn't happen often. Only when she is extremely nervous.
"Have a good day, mpenzi," her mom signs.
"Thanks, Mom. I love you," Cady signs back.
Cady walks out the front door, seeing Janis standing there, dressed in ripped black jeans, a black "Ramones" tee, and a loose fitting jean jacket.
"Hey, Caddie," Janis smiles.
"Hey, Janis," Cady signs.
"Are you okay? I heard you crying last night," Janis signs, a worried look washing over her.
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just had a rough last night. I couldn't get my audition song right and I got frustrated," Cady signs, trying not to show that she is lying.
"I was just worried about you. Are you ready for your audition?"
"I hope so."
The girls walk toward the school, signing back and forth. Once the school is in sight, Janis grabs Cady's hand. Janis pulls her quickly into the school before anyone can open their mouth.
The girls stand outside Ms. Norbury's room, signing when Damian walks up.
"Hey guys!" he greets excitedly.
"Hey, Damian," Cady signs.
Damian looks confused. "What?"
Janis turns to him. "She's not speaking. She's signing."
"You're still auditioning, right?" he asks.
Cady nods and Damian sighs of relief as the homeroom bell rings.
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The sound of Requiem fills Cady's ears for the billionth time. Her nerves have been traveling through her veins all day. She knows a girl has been following her all day, identified as Gretchen Wieners by Janis at lunch.
It's sixth period and all Cady is trying to do is listen to her history lesson, but Gretchen is breathing down her neck. Cady excuses herself to the restroom, needing to take a breath. Gretchen obviously follows her. The second her heels click on to the bathroom floor, rage fills Cady's veins.
"Can you seriously fuck off Gretchen? I know you're too busy up Regina's fucking ass to give a shit but you're really fucking annoying and I'm ready to rip those stupid fucking extensions out," Cady growls.
Gretchen doesn't know what to say. She immediately scurries back to class, still unsure of what just happened.
Cady takes a deep breath. Jesus fucking Christ.
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Drama class. Normally Cady is happy to be there, but today her nerves are just too much.
"Hey, Caddie, do you want to go to the choir room with me to practice for auditions? It's empty, I promise," Damian smiles.
Cady only nods.
They walk down the hall to the small room. Damian was right. Not a soul was to be found in that room. Damian goes first, singing Big Fun and then his personal choice, I Believe from The Book of Mormon.
Then it's Cady's turn. She gets both songs perfect. She looks up at Damian for any comments.
"Perfect, Caddie. Just put a little bit more emotion in Requiem. That is a very powerful and emotional song in that show," Damian says.
Cady nods. They head back to the drama room, both of them humming Big Fun. She feels better, but her nerves are still in the back of her mind.
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Cady and Damian stand outside of the choir room, the last two to audition. Cady tried to hold in her nerves, but they escape last second. Cady starts to have a panic attack right in front of Damian. She's sobbing and freaking the fuck out. And, frankly, Damian has no fucking clue what to do.
But somehow, he figures it out. He holds Cady in his arms, whispering encouragingly calming words to her. He gets her to calm down. Well, somewhat.
"Caddie, I need you to take a few deep breaths. I'll do it with you," Damian tells her.
Cady nods, taking some deep breaths with him, eventually calming down. "Thanks, Damian."
"No problem, Caddie. Now let's go knock their socks off."
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Damian goes first, nailing both songs. He sounds amazing.
Now it's Cady's turn. She nails Big Fun, her nerves slowly escaping her body.
"What is going to be your personal song?" the director, Mr. Stephan, asks.
"Requiem from Dear Evan Hansen," Cady responds.
"I love that song. Well, the floor is all yours," Mr. Stephan says.
Cady takes a deep breath. "Why should I play this game of pretend?
Remembering through a secondhand sorrow
Such a great son and wonderful friend
Oh, don't the tears just pour?
I could curl up and hide in my room
There in my bed still sobbing tomorrow
I could give in to all of the gloom
But tell me, tell me what for
Why should I have a heavy heart?
Why should I start to break in pieces?
Why should I go and fall apart for you?
Why should I play the grieving girl and
Lie saying that I miss you
And that my world has gone dark without your light?
I will sing no requiem tonight
I gave you the world, you threw it away
Leaving these broken pieces behind you
Everything wasted, nothing to say
So I can sing no requiem
I hear your voice and feel you near
Within these words. I finally find you
And now that I know that you are still here
I will sing no requiem tonight
Why should I have a heavy heart?
Why should I say I'll keep you with me?
Why should I go a fall apart for you?
Why should I play the grieving girl and
Lie saying that I miss you
And that my world has gone dark without your light?
I will sing no requiem tonight
'Cause when the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep
No one lights a candle to remember
No, no one mourns at all when they lay them to sleep
So don't tell me that I didn't have it right
Don't tell me that it wasn't black and white
After all you've put me through, don't say it wasn't true
That you were not the monster that I knew
'Cause I cannot play the grieving girl and lie
Saying that I miss you and that my world has gone dark
I will sing no requiem
I will sing no requiem
I will sing no requiem tonight," Cady finishes, not realizing that there are tears running down her face.
"Wow. Amazing job, guys. Call backs will be emailed to everyone tonight. If you don't get a call back, you can still be cast. Call backs are for the lead roles. Hope you guys have a good night," Mr. Stephan smiles.
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Cady walks home alone, her nerves finally at ease. Until a white, convertible BMW pulls up beside her.
"Hey, jungle freak. Where's your space dyke of a girlfriend?" Regina taunts.
Cady won't give in. She completely ignores her.
"Gretchen told me what you did. Who knew the little lesbo jungle freak could stand up for herself, especially after what happened with Shane," she fake pouts.
Cady gulps, still attempting to ignore her.
The car slams on its brakes. Regina stomps out, pushing Cady down to the hard concrete.
"Listen here, you little dyke. I will ruin you. I can and will ruin your life at Northshore. You are not safe. Not from me. Not from anyone. Not even your little space dyke of a fucking girlfriend," Regina spits. She kicks Cady in the back, leaving her in pain on the sidewalk.
Cady stands up, tears running down her face. She limps all the way the home, trying not to break down.
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Cady sits at her desk, playing around on her computer when it dings.
The call back list.
Her anxiety rises through the roof.
She clicks on the notification.
Call backs for Veronica Sawyer.
And the first name listed,
is Cady Heron.