"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself."
Chapter Thirty-Two
His nails left scratches on the arm of the plastic chair where he was seated. Taking deep breaths weren't effective in calming him; there were too much negative feelings inside him he felt like a volcano about to erupt. The urge to kill anyone within sight was so strong that he had to use all his will power just to stay in place. Slowly, gradually, everything became black, ringed in red. His muscles were trembling. He was going to lose control.
Did Falcon know all along? Was that the reason why someone UnGifted like him managed to escape death against someone who had power over lightning?
He had been played like a fool. What now? What's going to happen? Could he pretend that he knew nothing? Was he capable of tricking the Master and the rest of the organization?
"Drink."
Krad raised his eyes. There was a cold can of Budweiser in the Japanese agent's hand. Without hesitation, he finished it in one swig. His throat felt like it was on fire. Surprisingly, it somehow made him feel better.
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
He wanted more, but he couldn't find it in him to ask his fellow Equation another favor.
For some time, he closed his eyes and allowed the cool breeze to lull him into a state of detachment. He tried to imagine the pitter-patter of the spring rain, the gentle waves of the Pacific Ocean, and even the serenity of a snow-clad wasteland under the silver light of a full moon. It was difficult. All he kept on seeing were the scarred face of a man he now knew to be his father and Faye's frightened form when he found her helpless and naked more than a month ago.
"What do you plan to do?" Arashi asked quietly. He took the seat directly opposite him.
Krad had no idea how to answer. He was the son of his Master's greatest enemy. What was he supposed to do?
"Ivan said that you can meet him if you want to know more. He'll be waiting for you in his hometown in Russia."
"Didn't he tell you everything?" he stated flatly.
"No. He mostly told me things about the Light, not Falcon."
Krad was the son of the notorious leader of the group that tortured Faye. How twisted could fate really be? How would Faye react if she knew?
His memory had returned, but what good did it bring? Nothing. Every single moment of his life had been a deception. He was no orphan. He wasn't saved by the Master. He was an ignorant puppet of the organization, the Master's ultimate trump card against the largest threat to Creed.
How would Faye react if she knew?
He had gotten this far with nothing but Faye in mind. She was his world, his everything. From the beginning, it had always been about her. He fancied that the Master took him in – raised him – for the very purpose of protecting her. He was hers. She defined his existence. But today, everything took on a different meaning.
Arashi had given him something he never knew he needed. A chance. A taste of what he didn't knew he was missing. Perhaps there was something more about him than simply being a pawn in this cruel game of providence.
He had always acted for her sake. From a simple mission, his responsibility over her had grown over so much that he could not imagine existing without her. Her presence had been so ingrained in his system that even when he had suffered amnesia, he couldn't let her go.
But this was no longer about her. For the first time since he could remember, he was going to do something for himself.
"I'll go." Krad gave his quiet companion a weary smile. "I'll go meet him."
There was no turning back. He had to continue going forward. He had to break out from the trap of time that the Master had elusively placed on him. That was the only path he could take. The wanted criminal Ivan Ilyinsky was his only key to unravel the past. Krad had to meet him to know the truth, the entire, unbiased truth. Without it, he couldn't move on from this illusion of a life he had. This was going to be a long, arduous journey.
Arashi nodded, his dark eyes searching. "Are you sure about this? The Master won't simply let you go. Then... there's her."
Krad chuckled at the concern his sworn rival was showing. It was giving him goose bumps. "Get lost. You're in no position to worry about me. Besides, she doesn't need me. I am Krad. Krad is a stranger. She doesn't need a stranger."
Arashi could only shake his head. "You're pretty stubborn, aren't you?"
"I know, Chinky-eyes. You don't have to tell me."
Krad was smiling, but he was crumbling inside. Nobody had told him that it hurt this much to say goodbye. And he wasn't even telling it to the people that actually mattered; just to this one man who would keep this secret to his grave. He's leaving behind everything he had ever known. It was like waking up from a dream, only to know that his own existence had been one horribly long nightmare.
"She'll be upset."
Krad folded his hands and pressed it against his forehead, his elbows resting on the table. It seemed ironic that he was pouring out his frustrations like this.
"I know. That's why I'm leaving tonight."
Arashi was stunned. "Can't you wait till she's operated?"
"I am the one who wants to see her and talk to her and hold her the most in the world, but now I'm the last person on earth who'll get that chance. When I think about it, it's like karma." His laughter sounded hollow even to his ears. "So this is what real punishment feels like."
Arashi decided not to contradict him. He had nothing comforting to say. He wasn't even sure if Krad would want sympathy from him. Faye had taught him how lending a listening ear could make a person feel better.
It was funny how life works. He hated this man for a very long time; yet, at this very moment, he felt sorry for him. The Krad before him was not the hostile, cunning and conceited killer that the Master created; he was simply an emotionally- damaged teenager who had lost everything before he even realized it. After being fed lies all his life, he was going to get back the ashes of his scattered past. It seemed an impossible task.
"Do you want to leave her a message?" Arashi asked when Krad finally stood up. From what he had seen, Gneiss Underwood's story had been nothing but one tragedy after another. It seemed to him that the only beautiful thing in it was Faye Summers.
"No, hell no," Krad responded with a grimace, "I don't want to – but knowing her, she'll try to track me as soon as she's back on her feet."
That fished a small smile from Arashi. "True."
Krad sank back to the chair. "Stop her. I don't want her going after me."
"That's a promise I can't keep."
"Try," he insisted. "This is also for her sake."
"She's a freak of nature. I have better chances of capturing a hurricane than stopping her."
There was no way he would allow that to happen. "Tell her to give up. She doesn't know that my memory is back. Use that. Tell her that I've been with women. That I have necrophilia, anililagnia, autogynephilia and other philias you know. Tell her that I went on a rampage –a killing spree – during church service. Just badmouth me, anything, dammit!"
"You think she'll believe that?"
Arashi's expression made him feel stupid. "She trusts you. Make it work."
"Do you know that I happen to be a terrible liar?"
Krad hit his head with the palm of his hand. "What do you want me to say then?"
"Your honest feelings," Arashi replied in a tone that made Krad want to smack him. He ignored the glaring blue eyes and continued as if he's talking to a wall. "Lying would only hurt her more, and she's been hurt enough. She appreciates sincerity above everything. I think you know that more than anyone."
"Easy for you to say."
"Just try."
He couldn't believe he was having this conversation with him. It felt... out of this world. Krad tried to hide his uneasiness as he stared at the streaks of orange and indigo lining the horizon. Night time was fast approaching, and it appeared that tonight was going to be a new moon. The civilians walking around had considerably diminished, as if giving him the time and privacy he needed to reflect and ponder. All his life, he had pretended to be someone he was not, constantly changing names and personality, acting based on what people wanted and expected of him. He wasn't sure if he could find a shred of honesty within him.
Could he actually have the courage to voice out his deepest regrets?
Arashi left his seat and came back carrying four cans of beer. He popped one himself and pushed the rest to his companion. Krad had never felt this grateful to another human being. Maybe a little alcohol would help him be bolder.
"I... I have to find myself," he started after emptying two cans. "I think I don't deserve her until I do."
Arashi considered his answer for a moment. "I don't think she'll mind."
Krad shook his head. "No. You don't get it. I wasn't who I used to be. I changed. What she loved was the me of the past. She's so caught up with it that she's blind to reality. She'll need someone who makes her happy, not someone who used to make her happy."
"So," Arashi picked on the lid with his nails, "you're giving her up?"
"Not exactly." He cursed himself as he rattled his muddy brain. How could he properly express himself when he couldn't find the right words?
"Enlighten me."
Ugh. Why did he have to explain this to him?
"It's... it's just, you know, people change. Feelings change." Krad buried his face in his hands. It was easier to blabber if he pretended to be alone. "It doesn't mean that the bond we once shared wasn't true and real. I'm leaving because... because I'm ashamed of myself. I know now that I loved her for the wrong reasons. Back then, she just lost her adopted parents. She was crying every day. She was lonely, and I understood her pain. I was so used to being alone that I thought the darkness made me strong. I thought I can protect her. I gave her everything she needed so that she wouldn't have to leave or look elsewhere. I became her brother, her rival, her best friend, and her lover. I thought that I was easing her sadness, but in fact all we did was to be lonely together. I thought she needed me, but I was the one who needed her. I used her to fill the emptiness in me. I allowed her to depend on me, made her so weak that she wouldn't be able to live without me."
Arashi remembered how desperate Faye had been when she learned that Creed wanted to dispatch Krad because of his near zero chance of waking up from his comatose. A lifetime of servitude for his life, that's what she signed up for. She forced herself to kill people for him. She allowed her heart to become as hard as stone for him. She had thrown her life away from him.
It had all been his fault.
The can in Arashi's hand erupted in blue flames. It was a miracle that his voice remained emotionless. "She's still crying for you, you bastard. How could you so callously brush her off?"
"Exactly because of that. Don't you see? She wanted her sweet, thoughtful Jared back. She wanted things to go back to the way they were. She's crying for what we've lost." He closed his eyes, but his fists were trembling in suppressed anger. Blood stained the table. "The life we shared was a delusion. I don't want to do that to her again. I know I was being cruel and selfish. I made mistakes. I want to pay for them, but I'm too coward to face her. If I'm with her, I might forget what I'm fighting for. That's why I want to disappear from her life. It's to give her a chance to become a better person. I want her to do her best to live her life. I don't want her to cling desperately on me forever. I want her to stand on her own. I want her to grow. Once she's successful and satisfied with her life, if she still wants me by then, I want to prove to her that I'm worthy of her love."
Arashi opened his mouth, but no sound escaped him. For a few minutes, he didn't move. He wasn't sure if he would want to tell this to Faye. She might just laugh at him. It seemed so uncharacteristic of Krad to think of her this way. Was this how he really felt? If so, then the egotistical, cold-hearted agent he had known was a lie all along.
"I will be her sun," Arashi finally managed in a steady drawl, his face flushed. "I will never hurt her like you did."
"I'll kill you if you do."
"She will no longer need you. I will protect her." Arashi cracked his knuckles. Hesitantly, he asked, "Are you still going to come back?"
Krad raked his shaking fingers through his hair, his blue eyes bright with what seemed to be unshed tears. "If I don't die first, why not?"
*
Unedited