Twenty-one
O
h, Silas! I was right. You do deserve to be loved. But not by me.
The whole senses thing was too much...but I can deal with that. I knew who was behind that little problem. It could be fixed.
However, one issue was not so small. Silas wanted children. I couldn't have any. That part of me had never been important before. I could not have children. The deficiency had never been as poignant as it was that night. I knew my decision was the right one. Without me, he could find a worthy woman to finally settle down with. To start a family.
Oh, gracious, that feels good! His lips had traveled across my jawbone, and his nose caressed my cheek. I was trembling.
Where had my resolve fled to? I wanted to stop him, but I couldn’t. His lifeline connected to his need to love me and that was my fault. Maybe without that connection, he wouldn't be hearing music...loving me with his whole being, rather than feeling it because of my curse. I should have tried to reverse my interference, but the attempt frightened me. I would have to do this the hard way, to break his heart. He was strong enough that he could fix his own soul if he had the desire – and the spite. Regardless of what his soul claims, he won't die without me. He was too stubborn to go down without a fight. The problem was that his heart was already broken. And because of me, it had started to mend and become whole again. Could I become another Sarah to him?
No, I couldn’t. Answering that question was easy enough. I hoped that I would never meet his Sarah. I would twist her soul so wretchedly that she wouldn’t make up from down anymore.
Still, neither of us could really live while we were together. Together, we became apart from the world, and its responsibilities. My obligation was helping a handful of teenage girls, not to be with him. His own dedication could never involve me. He had so much good to give. I was standing in his way; he just didn’t know that yet. But if we continue this way, he would find out exactly what I was. Would he be hurt – angry? – when he found out?
I learned a long time ago that I could never continue a relationship without hurting someone. We could not live together. Nor could we be apart.
“Stop,” I whispered, shoving my fingers between our lips. “I can’t do this.”
He let me go, confusion on his face. “Can’t do what?” The question sounded wounded. Already, I was hurting him. And it tore me apart.
“Listen, I don't care if we are a couple of freaks,” he said. “At least I know now that something about me gets you...that I have an effect on you. Sometimes I wonder.” He smiled and tried to kiss me again.
“It’s time for us to a have that talk,” I told him. He put a finger over my mouth.
“Can we save the talking for later? Just for tonight?” he said lightly.
“Not even partly,” I replied roughly. I had to fill my lungs with air. My heart was pounding from his embrace, and I felt hot. And I couldn’t breathe without drinking in his scent. I wasn’t skeptical of myself any longer. I was in love with this man.
Accepting that did not change anything.
“I finally realized what is important to me,” I continued, breaking his embrace, though he kept a hand on my arm. “Where my path is leading and the outcome matters more to me than anything else.”
“What exactly are you saying?” He stepped back away from me, trepidation clouding his stance. Dread of what I was about to tell him.
Taking another deep breath, I spoke as bluntly as I could, “I am saying we can't be together. You distract me. I can't think when I am around you...and especially when you touch me. I can't give you what you want. So, the two of us...that ends now, right here.”
He stared, saying nothing. I took more breaths and continued, “Silas, you once told me that I had no chosen profession and that I was impulsive. You were right. I didn’t know what I wanted in life. I’ve been running around with my head chopped off for so long. But since coming here, I have found reason to my life. I have found a home, and a family. I love those girls more than anything, and want to give them the best possible years of their lives. You unhinge me. In too many ways. Please, Silas.”
The blank stare fell. His pain was my pain. And it was unbearable. In a frenzy, I tried to gentle my words. “I know that doesn't sound like I don't care about you –”
“How was it supposed to sound?” He asked, coarsely, irritation and resentment causing his brow to crash down on his eyes.
“I only mean…” I sighed, not sure how to phrase what I meant. “I ... I don’t know how to tell you the right way.”
“Then just tell me. Tell me out straight. Don’t sugarcoat it for me. Just tell me,” he said adamantly. I opened my mouth, but no sound would come out. My brain refused to find the right words. Words that would say what I mean, without truly hurting him. Every approach would only break his heart again. The ability was not in me.
“Just say it, Min!” He breathed out heavily, my rejection ringing in his ears, even though I hadn’t exactly told him, ‘No.’ But tempers in others had always brought mine to face. His shouting shattered any attempt to be nice about it. Too much fighting recently had finally taken its toll. I became flushed, and my hands curled into fists by my side. He always compelled the worst in me, in love and anger.
My words came rushing out of me in staggered breaths. With every syllable, I felt myself getting more and more livid, until I was practically spitting fire from my mouth. “I can’t, Silas! I won't! I am not right for you! I wish I could say it has been a mistake to take this job, but those girls are my world now. It was a mistake to come here tonight. I can’t give you what you want. I can never be who you want me to be. No magnitude of what you want to hear won’t change the fact that we – don’t – belong – together!”
With that, I practically ran out of the house, grabbing my bag from the entry and slamming the door. I didn’t hear his bare feet behind me and didn’t even know if I left him statued in his precious Cave or if he followed me. My car shot out of his driveway and raced through the streets, and my blood cooled as I drove further from his house, through the darkening streets.
vvvvv
“...we – don't – belong – together!” Her words bounced off the walls, soaking into the carpet, settling under his skin.
She left. She ran out...ran away from him. Just like Sarah did. And he watched her go...just like he watched Sarah pack one suitcase and never look back.
Silas refused to fight for someone who didn't want him. He didn't fight for Sarah. He wouldn't...
No, Min is different. She never intended to hurt anyone.
Sarah had been malicious and deceitful...evil and hateful in so many ways. Min was everything that was right in the world...beauty, charm, intelligence, kindness, sacrifice...
That woman he would battle for...to the bottom of his grave.
Silas grabbed his cell phone from the desk charger and dialed Min's number. Her own cell went straight to voice mail. He dialed the House. It rang...and rang and rang.
He stuffed his feet into a pair of shoes and unhooked his car keys from the hallway. He dialed again. He reversed at full speed out of his driveway. He dialed again.
“Hello?”
“Min! Please, don't hang up!”
She didn't answer and he bellowed, “I know we've got our problems, but I won't lose you. My life is your life. I don't care how long it takes, but...” The phone went dead.
“Min?” Something akin to the worst fear of a man's understanding settled in his belly. Min would never hang up on someone. She even listened to the spill of audio recorded political candidates. Silas slammed on the gas, and dialed again. The drive across town to the House seemed to take forever.
vvvvv
I had never been that angry before. With anyone. At least, not a human. I knew I had a temper, but I always tried to keep it dampened. As an Essence, I had lost control and had lashed out with my power on a few occasions. The last time had been the worse. And was one of the reasons Catalyst and I did not get along. She attempted to interfere with the life of a notable and extremely charitable person in humans’ history.
At that time, I was not new to my existence, but I was inquisitive about the nature of my essence. I began searching out humans with the basics of Need to better understand how to do my work more efficiently. During my search, I came across a young boy – a son of a rich cloth merchant – who had the purest form of Need in any soul I had ever scrutinized. Catalyst, mindful of my peculiar interest in the boy – and bored, nonetheless – tried to tempt the boy with material wants. I was furious. After years of searching for pure, basic Need, She dared to corrupt that because She was weary of Her usual games.
I gave Her a tongue lashing that was heard through the heavens themselves. Balance had to step in and command Her to terminate Her recreation. That boy grew up as one of the most giving humans in history and taught others the values of poverty, nature, and tolerance. Nearly eight hundred years later, people still remember his name and his work.
Some good had come from my temper. Would that be the case now?
I glanced at the clock on the dash. It was only seven-thirty. I didn’t want to go home; Silas might call or follow me there, but where else did I have to go?
I found myself sitting in front of the House, letting the car idle.
This is silly, I told myself. He knew where I lived. I couldn’t hide forever.
I got out of the car and went inside. The front door was unlocked. I must have forgotten. The phone was ringing before I even opened the door. I walked to the kitchen phone and stood in front of it, feeling like a chicken. It was Silas. I knew it.
But what if it was the school? Maybe one of the girls was hurt. I couldn’t not answer it. I had obligations. So, I took a deep breath and picked up the receiver.
“Hello?”
“Min? Please, don’t hang up,” Silas shouted over the line. He continued to utter frantic words, but I didn’t hear what he was saying. A cold point of a pistol barrel pressed against my temple, freezing my throat.
“Don’t say a word,” a soft voice sounded from behind me, and a large, calloused hand took the receiver and hung it on the phone cradle. Only seconds past before the phone rang again. Heavy footsteps thundered down the stairs. Chris appeared around the doorway, walking into the kitchen with an agitated look on his face. He stopped dead when he saw me, and grinned. There had been no news from the police concerning him. No one knew where he disappeared to after leaving Melissa scraped and bleeding in the street. Immediately, I battled my hatred for him, burning with inhuman loathing.
“Where’s Melissa?” Chris purred. The cold point disappeared from my temple and pushed against my back. I still couldn't see the person behind me.
“Did you find it?” the voice from behind asked Chris.
“No,” Chris, still grinning and leering at me, answered him.
“Where’s the girl?” The gun shoved into my back as the mysterious gunman directed his question at me. My brain had abandon all thinking when the gun pressed to my head – all I could think about was Chris – but now it began to process at lightening speed. First, I thanked my lucky stars that the girls were not home. Then, I scolded myself for returning early. Chris and his friend were looking for something, and Melissa, apparently, had it. My thoughts scrambled for the answer. After our conversations lately, I was sure Melissa would have told me if she was keeping something for Chris. She resented him and would have shared any knowledge about him. I knew nothing of what these two men were searching for.
Again, I was shoved forward, persuading me to answer. “She’s not here,” I said.
“Obviously,” said the man behind me. “When will she be home?”
“I don’t know,” I lied. The phone continued to ring, insistently. It was yanked from the wall by the same hand that hung up the receiver. The pressure on my back withdrew, and the man stepped around me. I didn’t recognize him. He was big and ugly, with a scarred face and matted, blonde hair. Shock crossed his face when he saw me.
“When were you going to tell me about her?” he asked Chris, looking me up and down, and aiming a silver handgun at my chest. Chris shrugged and leaned against the doorframe in the same manner that Silas had done only yesterday. The casual stance looked vulgar when Chris did it.
“Tell you what, you find the money, and I’ll take my cut out of her.”
“Careful, Lee,” Chris replied in a loutish tone, “she has claws.”
“Just the way I like them,” Lee said. He sashayed closer to me, until the barrel touched my bare skin, caressing against the top of my dress, pushing the fabric away. “But you will be nice, won’t you?”
I almost snorted. Almost.
But antagonizing kidnappers and potential murderers did not seem like a good idea at the time.
However, I wasn’t scared. I was immortal. What was the worst they could do? I could crush both their souls with a blink of my eye. And unfortunately for them, they picked a bad night to break into my home.
Still, I was hesitant. Taking on two grown men, both of whom were larger than anything I have ever had to manipulate before, would be a chore. I wasn't that sure of my abilities. And I couldn't think past the next second. Better to just find another way out of this first.
Chris turned his back and began searching through the drawers and cabinets, throwing the contents to the floor. Lee ran his free hand over my shoulder and down my arm. I snatched my body away from his touch, and with a malicious grin, he slapped me hard across the cheek. I stumbled back against the wall, hitting my head. He slithered against me and continued his rubbing, the gun still poised at my chest.
A loud crash by Chris’ rummaging turned my assailant's head in that direction. I took my cue and slammed my knee at his groin, but he shifted slightly at just the wrong time, and I bumped him in the thigh instead. I didn’t stop at that. I brought my palm smashing up into his chin, and when he staggered away, I backhanded him with all the strength I had.
Chris heard his grunt, but tripped over a bowl on the floor when he turned around, falling to the ground. In the half second I received, I dashed towards the front door. I only made it to the stairs before I was yanked backward by my hair. Lee slammed me against the railing and wrapped his fingers around my throat, pressing the pistol into my swollen cheek.
“That was not nice,” he said with quiet fury. I fought against him and tried to scream, but he squeezed his fingers, choking off any sound. I clawed at his hand. I couldn’t breathe and was getting very dizzy.
He loosened the pressure only a little. “Oh, I’m gonna have some fun with you.”
He dragged me back to the kitchen by my throat. Chris moved to the pantry, throwing items from the shelves everywhere. When Lee saw that Chris was still searching, he returned his attention to me. He laughed at me and roughly shoved my face to his in a violent kiss, forcing his tongue through my clenched teeth. The hand gripping his gun reached down and ripped the dress from my shoulder. I managed to turn my head to the side, but his choking hold tightened and I gagged.
Chris emerged from the pantry. “It’s not here!”
“Keep looking!” Lee shouted at him.
Fighting was doing no good. Even with one hand incapacitated with a gun, Lee was too strong. Chris was still in the kitchen, scrubbing a hand through his hair, trying to decide where to look next. With both of them visible, I reached out and touched the essences of their souls. They were putrid and violent, like trying to juggle two balls of raucous grease-covered slime. I lost my grip on one, but snatched it back. I searched for their good side. I was searching for the sun at midnight.
The two men were oblivious to my quest. I had to stay away from everything dark. Touching the badness in them would only make things worse. I strained, reading two books at the same time. Flipping pages hurriedly. I had to act fast before Chris walked off again. There had to be something I could use!
I was running out of time. As Chris became sidetracked watching Lee sniffing at my bare skin and the gun snaked to the inside of my thigh, the slamming of a familiar car door echoed through the yard and house. Neither of my holders recognized the sound as coming from this yard. Absolute fear blazed through my veins. The kind of paralyzing fear a mother feels when seeing her child run out into a busy street. I was frozen, and burning.
Silas! No! Don’t come in! My brain screamed vociferously. I searched their souls again. There was nothing I could get my energy around. Any good or decent essences were wrapped inside the evil slime. My only option was one I had contemplated earlier when I listened to Silas talk about his ex-wife. No human should ever have to endure life without their souls.
But Silas was coming nearer. I couldn’t bear it if he got hurt. Not when I could stop this.
I heard him bounding up the porch steps, calling my name. Both Chris and Lee whipped their heads towards his voice. One of them swore under his breath, but as one, they moved. Chris ducked behind the kitchen door, slinking against the wall and pulling a long knife from under his shirt. Lee heaved me in front of him, pressing the gun to my back again, and yanking my hair so roughly, I felt my neck pop.
With inhuman power, I seized their souls an instant before the front door crashed open.
vvvvv
The scene before him…well, it came right out of a movie. His eyes locked on Min’s. A flash of light and a bang came out of the kitchen, and the front doorjamb shattered by his foot.
Min took a step toward him…
…blood soaked through her dress…
…her arms raised high as her body drifted to the floor…
…and his whole world fell with her.
vvvvv
It’s funny how the senses react in intense situations. I could see, hear, smell and feel more fervently than normal. Just before the darkness overwhelmed me, my eyes saw Chris’ jaw slacken and his body slump against the striped wallpaper of the kitchen, but I also noticed how Silas spotted me as soon as the swinging door cleared his vision into the house. His face turned ashen gray, matching his eyes so that they blended perfectly together.
My body felt the tugging on my scalp diminish just a hair’s breath after my ears heard a soft click and a sharp resonance from behind me. A piercing jolt thudded through my chest. My nose tingled with acrid smoke and the acute, wet metallic scent of crimson. Then all the light of the world extinguished.
In the darkness, my senses reacted strangely. There was movement and noises. I felt pain and numbness. But only the blackness was visible. Everything else was muted, echoed, and far away without a light to focus on.
The shadows remained with me for a long time. At one brief heartbeat of a moment, I glimpse a bright light and a swirl of colors. There were beautiful faces smiling and frowning at me. I felt nothing there. It was familiar, but different. I was just there. Like my soul had left me.
I should have been terrified, but I wasn’t. I didn’t feel anything. Coming to this place should have felt like walking through my front door after a long journey. Returning home.
Even the want of feeling should have felt like something. But there was nothing.
Peculiar, vacant nothing.
I had a body in the light. It was still beautiful. And I was gripping three wispy strands of the colored light, similar to the swirl around me.
I ripped out three souls. And I recognized all of them. Chris’, Lee’s, and mine. Two were sucked into themselves, but one was pulsing with vibrant energy. Invisible hands removed the dead souls and then tenderly smoothed the pulsing soul into my body. As I became one again, the light and colors faded away. Melodious voices echoed to me, “Not yet, Min.”
The strange darkness came back, and I cried into my core. My home was still forbidden to me. I couldn’t go back. Not yet, they said. When? That was the closest to dying I have ever been in two centuries. I was still immortal.
I lost count of the hours as I cried. But the tears dried up, soaked back into my body, and I cried again. I had found a home in the mortal realm, but my origin was not mortal. And it would not be my final destination. I would have to eventually return to the spirit world, regardless of what punishment I was sentenced to. Forever may be a long time, but I always knew I wouldn't make it that far as a human. I cried because I glimpsed that end. I cried because it wasn't my end. I had to endure human longer.
Here in the nothingness, I couldn't even be human. I didn't know what I was anymore. Emotions and the essences of life had no value. Those things needed objects to be of purpose. I had only what was inside me. My emotions were back, but I felt like I was shouting to a crowd of silent people who neither saw nor heard me.
Eventually, human nature regained control. I stopped fighting against the darkness and began to wonder if Silas was hurt. Did he get out of the house? Was he safe? Fresh tears fell.
I wondered if the girls were all right. Who picked them up from the dance? Did they have a good time? How long did they wait for me before getting another ride? Did I disappoint them when I didn’t show up? More tears.
I also felt remorse for Chris and Lee. They were soulless. Walking corpses. A sharp price for saving Silas. But I wept for them. No matter what their choices were for leading them to that house that night, they still deserved their souls.
When the thoughts began to repeat themselves, I pushed them aside. I could do nothing about them here, stranded in my abyss. I became bored. I walked around listlessly. I sat down and twiddled my thumbs. I tried to sleep, but it was like I was already asleep. The shadows were blackest of black. If I was asleep, I should be dreaming. Unless, this was a dream. In that case, I hated dreams more than ever. I had never been bored in my dreams. All I could do was wait.
Time stretched. I sang to myself. I watched movies in my head. I walked on and on. I didn't get tired or sore from the exercise. There just wasn't anything to see. I wasn't afraid of bumping into anything in the dark; that would have been a blissful change. I also conversed with myself. But there was nothing to say to myself that I hadn't already argued about.
And I daydreamed. I fantasized about the times I spent in Silas' arms, about what I should have done differently, and about having a long, happy life with Silas, with little gray-eyed boys running through his home, calling me, ‘Momma.’ Those daydreams were stopped before I could drown in them. They were too painful. I envisioned how Jennie and Tia would become successful with their talents. Melissa became an influential spokeswoman for young girls. Mae was happy on her horse ranch. Amber and Ashley found fabulous husbands and were happily married.
I thought so long and hard about all the people I loved that I began to hear their voices in my head. But none of those voices were happy, as in my visions. These sounded worried and sad. They made me concerned. Why should they be worried? They were having perfect imaginary lives.
I listened closely to them, answering them, trying with all my heart to reassure them that they had nothing to fret over. I could hear them, but they couldn’t hear me. The darkness muffled my words. I strained and strained. Shouting into the black.
Everything’s fine! You’re happy! You’re lives are perfect! Just the way they should be! Listen to me!
But they didn’t hear me. Or wouldn’t hear me. That vexed my temper. I had been sitting around in this nothingness for too long. Finally there were voices other than my own. It was something. Anything besides myself and the black. The crowd was silent no more.
And I will not be ignored any longer!
I squeezed my eyes shut and heaved against the obscurity around me. The blackness stretched and rebounded back to me. I gritted my teeth and heaved again and again. When my eyelids popped open, severe white filled them. It hurt. The pain seared the back of my eyeballs. I had to close them again. But I would not go back to the dark. Blinking furiously, the white faded. Outlines and colors appeared. My surroundings slowly cleared. I saw a white, tiled ceiling with fluorescent lights shining down on me. I saw a large window with vertical blinds drawn back. I saw a small television anchored to the wall in a corner of the room. And I saw the faces of the people I loved.
I was back in the human world.
I was in the hospital.
“She’s awake!” I heard Jennie’s lovely voice whisper, and then a chorus of all the exquisite voices I knew and loved saying my name and crying joyfully.