Wikipedia said the word "affair" meant: a sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment between two people. Thefreedictionary.com said it meant, "A romantic and sexual relationship, sometimes one of brief duration, between two people who are not married to each other." On another website the word had about eight different definitions, one of which was just as bad as the first two I came across. Its origin was of Middle English or Anglo-French, but whatever it derived from, the definition could either be innocent or lustful. I would know because I stayed up all night trying to find an innocent version of the lustful version of "affair," only because I wanted to convince myself that this was okay what Ashton and I were doing.
The dictionary said that a soulmate was a close friend who completely understood you.
That could be all Ashton and I were now, close friends who completely understood each other, who were having an affair, which would last for a brief duration and nothing more. We were created to die out like a burning candle. We were brought back and fitted together like two remaining puzzle pieces, but soon we'd be ripped apart.
Now, don't get me wrong, I was enjoying all things that Paris had to offer. We'd been here for almost a full day and I loved it, I just didn't feel like any of this was meant to happen. We were fucked by fate and it'd probably come back and fuck us twice as hard.
Ashton tied up his boots as he was the last one to start getting ready for the day. I was the eager one ready to experience more and more Paris.
I knew I had so many texts from Dick, but I was too scared to check them. What if he knew I was here? It wouldn't be long until someone in Paris recognized Ashton and I, and spread pictures of us on the internet. I would never know until I read the messages...
Dick: Missing you...
Dick: We'll work this out.
Dick: We both know calling off the wedding isn't what you want.
Dick: We both know you don't even love Ashton
Dick: Lets go somewhere. Just you and I. I'll take you to Fiji like I promised I would. We'll make this work
I swiped the conversation to delete it and locked my phone. Not today Dick. Not today.
"Who's texting you?" Ashton sat on the edge of the bed as he adjusted the laces on his shoes.
"Dick..." There's nothing to hide.
"Ah," Ashton nodded. "What's he saying?"
"Nonsense."
My phone vibrated like crazy with four incoming texts from Dick. He wouldn't give up. This would've been acceptable if he hadn't hid those letters from me or treated me like utter shit.
Dick: We'll send out new wedding invitations with a sooner date.
Dick: How does next month sound?
Dick: Talia. Please respond...
Dick: I love you so much. I'm sorry I can literally be a dick to you. I'm just stressed with school and I've taken it out on you and the kids. I promise you we'll up the wedding date and I'll be better to you and everything will be fine. Just please reply.
Ashton chewed on his lip as he read the texts. "Persistent."
"Yeah." Persistently annoying.
Upping the wedding date would not change anything. I could not be with someone who was rarely around, someone who was negatively aiding my process of trying to better myself. I needed more from him, so much more than empty promises and bullshit.
"Hey, come here." He placed my phone aside, pulling me between his legs. His hands gripped my hips as he looked up at me. "We'll both turn our phones off for this trip, okay? We'll get caught in our world and for the rest of this trip nothing else is going to matter. How does that sound?"
"I don't know..." I sighed, staring at the wall ahead.
"You don't know because you don't really know or you don't know because you're too lazy to construct a response?" Ashton hooked his fingers in my belt loops, bringing me closer to him so he could nuzzle his face in my stomach.
"Both?"
"No one here knows us. We can literally fuck each other in front of the Eiffel Tower and no one would care because we're nobodies." He mumbled against the fabric of my shirt. I brushed my fingers through his hair that always looked like it never had a comb to it.
"You underestimate your fame quite often."
"I guess, yeah." He chuckled before peppering kisses on my stomach. "I've got a lovely little lunch date planned out for us. Are you ready to accompany me on this journey through Paris?"
-
"Did I do good?" Ashton did not quite calculate every factor to our advantage when he planned a picnic. Everything was in our favor; the food, the people, each other, everything, but the freezing weather and the few strangers snapping pictures. But the cold and pictures were the least of my worries as Ashton tried unromantically feed me a chocolate croissant.
"Doesn't meet my standards, but it'll do." I cracked a smile, wiping my face free of crumbs. "I have my hopes high for the rest of the trip."
"Oh, T." Ashton sighed. "You're so mean to me."
"You know I'd enjoy anything you put together." I balled up the napkin I had used and tossed it at Ashton, hitting him right on the forehead. "You could take me to a Coldplay concert and I'd enjoy it."
"I still don't understand why you dislike them so much."
"Personal preference." I shrugged.
Everyone just seemed so in love in this city. No one was ashamed to show their affection, like it had no limits. People here seemed happier.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Us."
"Are you having steamy thoughts about us?" I raised an eyebrow. I shook my head disapprovingly. "Okay, but really...what about us?"
"You still manage to make me feel like the giddy 19-year-old girl I was when we met." I picked at the grass that bordered the edge of the blanket we sat on. "Even when you were being a total ass to me, I was still prepared to hop on my tip-toes and kiss the life out of you. You could've hit me with a car and I would've personally thanked you."
I watched as a playful Parisian couple shared a few laughs.
"I just wish we didn't have so many obstacles being thrown in our way. But no one ever said life or love would be easy." I pulled my beanie down to cover my cold ears. "I think back to the night I left you, fuck, it haunts me and it's all that replays in my head as I fall asleep and Francis tells me that I shouldn't think about it as much because I can't go back and change anything... I always think about what I could've done differently that night so we wouldn't be in this predicament right now. I could lie to you and tell you I don't love you and that I never want to see your stupid cute face again, but we don't lie to each other...I guess..."
"It's our thing..." Ashton lied comfortably on his side, his elbow holding him up. "The truth."
We sat quietly, listening to the birds chirping in the cold and enjoying the love around us.
"Is Francis my latest competition?" Ashton ripped my - his - beanie from my head, placing it on his own. "You're quite beautiful, you could have any man in the world so I can see why you have Dick, me, and Francis all wanting to give you happiness..."
"Ashton...Francis is my therapist..." I knitted my brows together.
"Therapist?"
I nodded.
"Call me a freak, call me an unstable freak at that, but I was so bad after everything that happened with us, I couldn't function like normal person. It took me awhile to finally get help because I was so stuck in denial about everything. Dick eventually convinced me to see Francis, he knew him from Columbia, apparently Francis sometimes teaches a psychology course, I don't know, anyway Francis has helped me greatly. It's nice to have a unbiased voice guiding me."
"What did Francis tell you at your first session?" This was a better response I thought I'd get. I'd kept this from Ashton with the fear that he'd judge me straightaway if he found out.
"Nothing really, he just listened, got to know me for me, jotted down some notes." I smoothed my hair out from the mess it was due to the beanie and the wind. "It wasn't until the third session where he was sure of what was wrong with me that he gave some input, diagnosed me and prescribed me the only things that can keep me sane on some days."
"What did he diagnose you with...if you want to tell me...?"
"Um, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder." People typically thought up any lie to tell someone like me. Reassuring that it'd be okay or I'd get through it, but that was bullshit, their sentiment was always bullshit. People would just try to tell you whatever they could to make you feel like less of a nut job. "So we can conclude that I'm insane."
"No, no, no, T." Ashton adjusted to sitting on his bottom, taking my hands in his. "You aren't a freak, you aren't insane either. You're Talia fucking Kozma and I love you."
-
"I have a surprise for you." He sifted through his suitcase that was hurriedly packed yesterday morning. He pulled out a CD case.
We came back to the hotel after dinner, ready to completely rest and enjoy each other. In an innocent way of course...
"This'll be the creepiest thing I ever say in my life, but I went through your underwear drawer..." He started, rolling his eyes at himself and at me as I laughed. "Yes, okay, I know, I'm a creep. But I found the mixtape I made you, along with other things and I felt it was appropriate to bring this." He proudly held up a disc in a plastic case.
"I don't know if it's safe to be in a room with a man who goes through my private drawer." I jokingly took tentative steps backward until my back hit the door.
"Oh hush." Ashton stuck his tongue out at me. "I'm gonna just put this on..."
He'd bought a really cheap CD player while we were out, not giving me an explanation as to why he needed such a thing when we were here, but this answered the question.
Our hotel room walls echoed with the nostalgic sound of No. 1 Party Anthem, taking us both back to that New Years Eve night.
"May I have this dance?"
"Yes."
"What if I convinced the guys to cover this song?"
"You'd have pretty big shoes to fill." I insisted. "You already covered Dancing Shoes so let's keep it at that."
"I'm hurt." He pouted.
"You may be Ashton Irwin, but Matt Helders might pass you on my list of favorite drummers."
"Well, you'll have to do with ol' me since luckily Matt's taken."
"It's a shame."
"No one else knows this is our song." His cheeks masked with a pink tint as we swayed. "It's nice having this as our little secret. It's untouchable in a sense."
Something About You
As that song went on, his lips were touching every part of skin on my neck that he could reach.
"Ash, what are you doing?" I giggled.
"Let your mind improvise."
His hands slid along my sides, sneaking under my shirt so our skin could be in contact as we kissed the life from each other. That was how it was until Suck It And See. We moved to the unmade bed. He hovered over me as he settled himself between my legs.
"Be cruel to me 'cause I'm a fool for you, T." He smiled, dipping his head down to bring our lips back together.
Our slow, tender kisses lasted through I Don't Mind, speeding up during 1983, reminding us that we didn't exactly have to take things slow right now. Ashton held himself up with one hand, the other rubbed circles in to my hip, grabbing me harder and forcing us together even closer.
We only pulled apart to strip to our undergarments towards the end of Disconnected.
He kissed down my chest, down my stomach, and the inside of both my thighs. He nipped at the skin with his teeth, chuckling as I squirmed with every simple touch. It was exactly like being turned on with his Electric Feel.