You know I think everyone gives me little life lessons. Seriously Tate and Trenton are now getting us out in the real world but everyone else seems to be adjusting to it fairly quickly. In all honestly they always have. They've always seemed to be able to separate the job from everything else. But I can't seem to grasp it. I'm always on high alert and serious when they are on high alert and blending in. Make sense? I don't seem to register emotions but anger. And I don't know what to do. I feel stupid most of the time because everyone else gets them but I don't.
"Ready to talk about it?" Blake says coming in my room.
"Talk about what?" I ask.
"You forgiving Alex." he says. We never did get to talk about that night.
By the time we got back we had to brief Tate and Trent in what we did. Then I had to give Sammy a bath and get him ready for bed because Alex had homework. Then I had to put him to bed because he was being really fussy and would not cooperate with Alex. So it was up to me. Then I went and crashed. I sigh heavily sitting down on my bed.
"I don't know what that means Blake." I say honestly.
"To cease to feel resentment against. To forgive one's enemies." he says.
"I know the dictionary meaning of it Blake. I've never had to forgive anyone before." I tell him. He nods.
"Can you forget it ever happen? Just let it go? Never bring it up again?" he ask me.
"Well if you put it that way I've already forgiven him. Because to me I have let it go." I tell him.
"I guess in a way you have but are you still hurt by it? By him rejecting you? By him sleeping with her? By him taking her side?" he ask me.
"I was never hurt by any of that stuff. What did hurt me is when he threatened to kill me." I say. He nods again.
"Can you forgive him for that?" he ask. I'm just confused by all this.
"He has never appologized for it." I tell him. He nods again.
"I guess he hasn't but if he does are you going to forgive him?" he ask. I just shrug. Because I don't know. I don't know anything. I get attachment. I do because I'm already attached to Sammy. I get love because I love my family. But loving your family and a mate are two different things. I think your suppose to be in love with your mate. Ugh I don't know and I don't get it.
"Come on." Alex says coming into my room pulling me out of my thoughts.
"Yes sir." I say getting up. He shakes his head walking out.
"What's going on?" Blake ask beside me. I just shrug because I don't know.
"Anissa and I are taking a trip." Alex says.
"Where?" I ask.
"Somewhere." he answers. I nod following him downstairs. When we get there Tate and Trent are there along with Simon, Alisha and Zane.
"Blake Simon your on duty tonight." Tate says to them. "Anissa your going on a date." he tells me.
"A what?" I ask. I've never been on one of those before.
"A date. Your not working so no scanning, no nothing but going out and having a good time." Trent says.
"And who am I going out on a date with?" I ask.
"Alex." Tate answers. I look at Alex and see he has a smug look on his face. I just nod and shrug like always it's no big deal.
"Your suppose to be excited." Alisha says. I nod again. "Smile at least." she huffs. I give her a smile. "That's so fake." she says rolling her eyes.
"It is not." I says. She crosses her arms over her chest glaring at me. I just stare back at her. She sighs heavily.
"Fine let's go." she huffs stomping to the door. I nod again following her. What do these people want from me? She stomps to Alex car. "Get in." she orders me opening the door.
"Yes ma'am." I say sliding in.
I guess I didn't need to change clothes for this date. I'm already in normal clothes because we took Sammy to the park again today. Alex gets in and starts the car.
"Where we going?" I ask him as he pulls out.
"Just to the movies and to eat junk food." he tells me. I nod an okay and look to make sure the others are following us. "Stop it Anissa!" Alex growls.
"Sorry sir habit." I say. He slams on his brakes. He faces me and glares.
"It's Alex. Alex Anissa say it damn it." he orders me.
"Yes sir Alex." I say. He sighs again.
"Just Alex." he says gently.
"Alex." I say.
"Thank you." he says going again.
"Your welcome." I say.
"You know what?" he says irritated.
"What?" I ask but he doesn't answer. He just turns the car around head the way we just left. We pull back up to the house and he gets out of the car. He stomps over to my side flinging the door open, grabs my upper arm and pulls me out of the car. "I don't like being man handled." I tell him as he drags me to the house.
"Tough." he huffs dragging me in the house.
"That was quick." Trent says. I nod in agreement as Alex pulls me upstairs. I just follow because for some reason this seems to be another life lesson they all seem to give me. He takes me to the office.
"Leave!" he orders someone.
"What's going on?" oh that's alpha voice.
"Anissa and I are going to have a talk." Alex huffs and pushes me down on a couch.
"Good luck." alpha snickers getting up. He walks out the door closing it behind him. Alex paces. I sit quietly waiting for whatever.
"I don't get you." he states. I nod. We've been thru this before if I remember correctly. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for rejecting you. I'm sorry for sleeping with Tiffany. I'm sorry for taking her side. I'm sorry for threatening to kill you. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done wrong to you. I am. I truly am. I was stupid for not getting to know you better. For not understanding your job. For not understanding you. I judged you to quickly. I listened to the stories of you guys doing bad because well those are the only stories I heard about until Alisha started telling Zane about some of your missions and he relayed them to me. I get that now." he says and stops pacing. He looks at me. "I don't know if what I did to you made you shut down or if spending another two years doing your job made you shut down either way you have. I know you have because when you came down here the first time. You laughed, you joked, you smiled, you showed some emotion not much but some. Now nothing. Damn it Anissa. You have a beautiful laugh, a beautiful smile. The only time you do that now is when your with Sammy and even then it's only when he does something funny or cute. I don't know how to handle this." he says and starts pacing again. I groan.
"I don't know what you people want from me." I say annoyed. He stops and looks at me.
"Holy shit you do have another emotion. What is that Anissa?" he ask me. I just shrug. "Of course you don't know. But I can tell you. Your annoyed huh?" he says.
"I suppose so." I huff leaning back on the couch crossing my arms over my chest. He sighs and comes sit next to me.
"Good now you know how I feel." he tells me. I groan.
"I'm sorry sir but this is all." he cuts me off.
"Alex!" he growls at me. I sigh this time.
"Alex but all this is new to me. I've never had to deal with these thing before. So I don't know what they are." I tell him.
It's true I never had to deal with rejection, heartbreak, jealousy, technically being cheated on. When I did I ignored it. I never had to forgive someone. We never fought over boys. We never did any of the high school drama.
He leans over cups my face with one hand and presses his lips to mine. He licks my lips asking for entrance. Immediately there tiny shocks flowing thru my lips. This is my first kiss and I don't know what to do. He licks again but I just keep my mouth shut.
"Kiss me back!" he growls against my lips. I open my mouth a little bit to tell him that I've never been kissed before and he shoves his tongue in my mouth. So I follow his lead and kiss him back. And I like it. It's good. No it's more than good but I'm not sure what the right word for it is. I makes me sick to my stomach but it's really not a sick feeling. A good sick. I can't explain it. He breaks the kiss leaving us breathless. "How did that make you feel?" he ask me panting. I'm not sure how to explain it.
Wouldn't he be offended if I told him it made me sick? So I push him back against the couch straddle him cup his face in my hands and kiss him again. Just like he did me but mine was more forceful. I think his was more passionate. I think. I move my hands to his neck as he moves his up my shirt. He breaks the kiss for much needed air kissing, licking and nibbling down my neck to my ear and a really liked it.
"Like it?" he whispers then nibbling my ear. I hum in response enjoying this feeling. I like this one. Wasn't sure what it was but I liked it. It's beyond good. He nibbles a spot on my neck and I moan. I couldn't help it, it felt really good. He moves one hand to my stomach and up my shirt. I don't know what came over me but I removed my hands from his neck and took it off.
He growls for what I'm not sure but he starts nibbling, kissing and licking from my neck to in between my breast sliding a bra strap down my shoulder has he does. I reach around and unhook my bra and take it off. He growls again and moves one hand to one breast massaging it gently and his mouth to the other swirling his tongue nibbling suck on it. I know what we are doing. They taught us about the birds and the bees. Although I've never experienced this doesn't mean I don't know what it is. Remember I grew up around boys my whole life. Just because we didn't get out doesn't mean there were other females in our pack or in the CG willing to put out. Not a lot but a few.
We've might not had a lot of contact with the pack members but we had some and some of the girls would chase after the boys. To our girls and guys it's a big deal to bag a CG boy or girl. I heard stories but I never understood what the big deal was. So yeah I know all about this stuff. Maybe not the feeling but the actions.
Like these feelings. I'm not sure what they are but I can't get enough of them. I'm not even sure what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm just going with it. I wanted his lips to mine again. So I tug at his hair pulling his head back a little then I crash my lips to his. I don't think he liked me taking control because he growled and kissed me more forcefully. I break the kiss long enough to pull off his shirt then I crash my lips to his again.
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