Toni
It was nearly 10 pm and we'd finally finished getting everything out of my house and into hers. I was ridiculously exhausted, but thankfully after a good meal and talking to Jan, the fatigue was mostly physical. Now, as I haphazardly threw some of my clothes into a suitcase for Hawaii, I could finally be excited about it. She wanted us to leave as soon as we could, meaning tomorrow afternoon, and since she'd recently purchased a cute little bungalow in Maui, the trip took little to no planning on our end. That was a perk of being with Janet Jackson.
As I sat scrolling through my phone, I had not until then noticed that my social media was swarmed with questions as to why I didn't go on tour with Face. Everything had happened so fast that I didn't even realize that the show was in full swing now, and he was out there putting it all on by himself. He seemed to be doing okay, from what I could see online, but people were not happy about my absence. If only they knew.
"Whatcha doing?" Janet asked as she emerged from the bathroom in her pajamas, fresh-faced and smelling like lavender a little. She got on her side of the bed and scooched close enough to look at my screen.
"This tour I was supposed to be on... I wanted to see how it was going. Not bad."
"Oh."
"What?" I glanced over at her for a second, then looked back at the headline plastered on my screen:
Toni Braxton Calls It Quits on International Tour with BabyFace.
"That picture of me is so bad. They always choose the worst pictures," I muttered.
"Toni Michele, don't start," she warned. "It's a tabloid."
"But for once, it's correct, and that's me, alright. Looking like I just saw a ghost."
"Toni," she called.
"Yes?" I kept scrolling.
"Look at me."
I turned my neck to the side to meet Janet's disapproving face.
"You can't say that's a flattering shot, Jan!"
She pursed her lips and didn't say anything else. I sighed and went back to what I was doing.
"Give me your phone," she finally said.
"Why?"
"You can't seem to stop worrying about what the press is doing, so—"
"No. I'm on it. Haven't checked it all day."
Janet crawled onto my lap and held onto my wrists. "I know how to make you give it up, but I don't want to resort to that." She eyed me carefully.
"Where do you get all these little numbers from?" I checked out her body clad in a scanty sleep short set that was tight and low-riding. I enjoyed it very much.
"Don't worry about it."
I gave her my phone and she set it on the nightstand before pulling my glasses gently off of my face.
I sighed and ran my hands up her body.
"What?" She asked, grabbing them in hers and interlacing our fingers.
"Nothing."
I kept thinking about the call with Tamar about my mother, the fact that she thought I was so spiteful I couldn't even answer her, when we clearly had some things to talk about. I wanted to return the call, but then thought maybe it would be better to address it after our trip when my mind might be clearer. And frankly, I was out of time now. Our flight was scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. It was too late to call tonight. So all of it would just have to wait, like Janet initially told me almost a week ago. It was crazy how she was always right.
Then again, at least a week would go by and Mommy wouldn't be able to reach me, which would definitely make her believe I was avoiding it. That wasn't the case, and hopefully Tamar would relay the message about our trip in the first place, but worst-case scenarios had to be accounted for. This was Evelyn Braxton I was talking about. I couldn't rule anything out of the question. Not after that night.
"What do you want to do when we get there?" Janet posed after a moment of silence, her playing with my fingers, my mind racing per usual these days.
"Sleep," I said, closing my eyes. She leaned down and kissed my nose with a chuckle.
"I guess we can talk about this tomorrow." She crawled off of me, but I grabbed her before she could get too far. She licked her lips and looked at me wide-eyed, clearly unsure of why I did it.
"Come back," I said. She curled up to my side, tangling our legs up. It made me smile.
"What?" She asked innocently. I shook my head.
"Absolutely nothing, Janet Jackson."
She blushed and looked down at my torso, sliding her hand underneath my shirt and resting it on my bare stomach. "Well... I've been thinking about our little conversation all day, you know, about having a baby, and..." she shifted nervously.
"And...what?" I looked down at her. She was in deep thought now, biting the inside of her cheek.
"You're right," she finally stated.
"Right about what?"
"About it being too soon. Because it is. I mean, as comfortable, and content, and in love with you as I am, it's...."
"Too soon." I looked at the ceiling. I was slightly disappointed, yet not surprised at all. This is why I struggled for so long to even mention it to her. And I never would have brought it up if it hadn't been for the argument with my Mother at dinner. I'd intended to sit on it for a long, long time more until I mustered up the courage and I was really sure that it was what I wanted. Part of me has wanted a child since Traci had her son. I loved the idea of seeing a product of myself grow up to be someone in this world. But even more so, I was in love with the idea of always having someone who loved me and depended on me no matter what, even before birth. Part of my longing for a child all of these years was blatant loneliness. Never having long-lasting, steady relationships led me to look for the love in something else, and a baby seemed like the perfect way to fill my void.
Yet, to be completely honest, the more I thought about it, and the longer Jan played in my hair soothingly, the more I realized she has been giving me exactly the kind of love I'd been craving for so long. And because of that, I decided I could wait just a little bit longer. I still wholeheartedly believed that if it were to happen, my mother and I would have to be on good terms, no matter what. She was a fantastic grandmother to my nieces and nephews, and I would never let any child of mine grow up without her. She would never forgive herself, and neither would I.
"But Toni, listen. I don't want you to think it's because I don't think this is going to work, okay? That's not it."
"I know, honey. We have so much of us to do before we bring someone else into our world. We haven't even explored all of it for ourselves yet."
"But you were right. We're not getting any younger."
"I'm 43. You're 44. I think if we even just waited one more year, we'd be okay. People do it all the time."
"So you want to carry this baby?" She glanced up at me with a cocked eyebrow.
"Honestly, yes. I want to know what that's like. Why, did you?"
"Well, not necessarily, but if you asked me to, I would. One hundred percent."
"I think that's a lot to ask of you," I muttered.
"I mean, if you were a man, we wouldn't have a choice, would we?" She chuckled.
"Well, last I checked, I'm not. That's a very tall favor, especially if it was my idea."
"No, no. Baby, ask me to jump out of a plane for you, and I'd do it. You know I can't say no to you, and that face." She reached up and pinched my cheek. I scrunched my nose up and pushed her hand away. It resulted in a bit of a cat fight, and then a full-fledged wrestling match until I surrendered, out of breath and my stomach sore from laughing. All of that touring made her so strong. I fell onto my back and we ended up back where we were, holding each other in the dark once she clapped and the lights turned off. It was now nearing midnight.
"Seriously, Toni Michele. If you haven't guessed it by now, I will do any and everything for you. And, a year from now if you change your mind, I will be more than happy to carry our child. I promise. You can hold me to it."
"I won't, but okay." I pecked her lips, then rolled over to go to sleep.
"No!" She shook me. "I wanna pinky swear."
I sighed, but lifted up my arm so she could get to my hand. I felt her pinky wrap around mine, followed by her soft lips on my knuckle.
"Why have a kid when I have you, huh?" I mumbled, feeling myself doze off. "It's almost the same, the way you act sometimes."
She hit my shoulder with moderate force, then snuggled back up to me. I could not understand her sometimes.
"I love you anyway," she said. "Even when you insult me." It was as if she read my mind. "Now go to sleep, Toni Michele."
"Yeah, yeah. Good night."
I closed my eyes for a while, with thoughts of the day still racing inside my head. I was told not to worry about it, but still couldn't understand how I possibly missed that call. If she'd called me and I didn't see it, wouldn't it have shown up on the phone still? Maybe it was a glitch. Maybe she changed her mind and hung up before the chance of leaving a message, and had lied to Tamar—cold feet.
I reached for my phone on the nightstand and checked the missed calls section. There was nothing for the day in red, but she was right. She did call. But it appeared as if I'd answered, though I didn't. The time of the call was 9:42. I tried to remember where I was and what I was doing at that time. Was I awake by then? Definitely. Probably getting ready for the day. So, the only real thing I could come up with was that Janet had answered it, maybe. But she would have told me. In fact, I would have assumed she would say something when the phone was ringing in the first place. Why wouldn't she?
I turned over and saw her fast asleep, later noticing light snores already escaping her throat as she nestled herself closer to my body. She would have said something. It had to be a fluke. I would ask her tomorrow. And I hoped, for her sake and mine, that it was. Otherwise, it would make for a very interesting and tense vacation.