What Did You Do To Him
"What do you mean you don't want the money?"
The moment the question was asked, I feared that I had made a huge mistake. What idiot turns down one thousand dollars? I had already done everything necessary to obtain it and taking the money wouldn't erase my past behavior. What was done was done. Now I was simply giving up money. A lot of money. One thousand dollars.
God, I am stupid.
"I can't accept the money, Mia," I said.
If anyone overheard us it would have sounded like we were partaking in something extremely sketchy. We were in the bathroom, after all. Crammed into the same stall. Whispering about money. If only I could explain to any potential onlooker that this was a boy-deal and not a drug deal. The cancelling of a boy-deal, at that.
"I don't understand," Mia squinted her eyes as if trying to spot my pea-sized brain. "We agreed on a grand. James and I are together and now you don't want it?"
I realized, in that moment, that I had not planned on how I was going to explain to Mia why I no longer wanted to be paid. I couldn't exactly explain to her that I had feelings for her boyfriend, and that those feelings helped me realize that the whole "doctoring" gig had gone too far. I couldn't tell her that I couldn't speak or look or even think about James without an immense feeling of guilt. I couldn't tell her that I regretted the entire thing, and that seeing them together made me want to throw myself off of the roof.
I definitely couldn't say any of that.
So instead I said, "I told you that I didn't do that anymore. And I meant it. Keep the money."
"What about everything you did to get us together?"
I shrugged my shoulders, already feeling nauseated by what I was about to say. "I guess it was just a friend helping a friend."
Mia was noticeably uncomfortable. She stood with her hands clutching her binder and her lower lip sucked into her mouth. She pushed a strand of glossy black hair behind her ear and said, once again, "Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Sutton," She trailed off and my name swirled in the air above us like a rogue breeze. It was quiet enough that I could hear water dropping from a leaky sink. I could hear the air conditioner, which was struggling to cool the entirety of the school, blasting in the hallway. Light streamed in from the bathroom window, making Mia look like something that had been wrongfully misplaced from heaven. How do you look beautiful in a school bathroom? "I can't thank you enough. Seriously."
"It was no big deal. I just hope you're happy."
Mia smiled. "I am. Very."
I left the bathroom feeling less sick to my stomach than expected. Maintaining a strong friendship with both Mia and James seemed to sooth my tumbling nerves. For the first time in weeks it felt as though I was on the right track. The end of high school, the end of the Boyfriend Doctor. I was finally shedding the persona I had grown so accustomed to wearing and, while it kind of sucked, it felt good, too. If the price of being the person I wanted to be was missing out on a relationship with James, it was a price I was willing to pay. Especially if James was better off with someone else.
And Mia? Well, Mia was amazing. Hating her was impossible. Being jealous of her was impossible. I couldn't accept her money, but I could accept her friendship. It was the only thank you I was willing to receive.
"Someone is in a good mood," Theo said at lunch, after I sat across from him at our usual table. He was smiling at me and I was smiling back.
"It hurts that you sound so surprised," I replied before taking a bite out of my apple.
"Happy Sutton is my second favorite Sutton."
I raised an eyebrow. "What is your favorite Sutton?"
"Sutton just before an episode of the Bachelor."
"I like her, too," I laughed.
Minutes later Francie sat down next to me and immediately launched into an Adam-related story. I listened while Theo made the occasional comment, booing and cheering at the appropriate times. Everything was back to normal. The courtyard was buzzing with unbridled energy. Sophomores lounged under a tree, freshman clung to the ivy-covered walls, and senior football players were positioned at their usual bench, eyes roaming and varsity jackets cast aside. Laughter, a warm breeze, and Oakland Prep towering above us like a shield. Normal, normal, normal.
The courtyard doors opened, drawing my attention. In walked Mia, popular girls in her wake and James by her side. He was carrying her lunch tray. She was talking. He was smiling. It reminded me of the first day, the day that I agreed to the job, the day that I had begun planning. That day was only three weeks ago, but it seemed like a lifetime. Now, Mia did not glance my way. We didn't share a look of mutual understanding, a look of secrecy. I had no reason to beckon James over, no plans to meddle in his love life. All bets were off. Everything was as it should be.
There was no more doctor talk that day. No more meetings in the bathroom. No more moments hidden in the art room. No more girls asking me to set them up with this guy and break them up with that guy. I was just a student.
When I got home immediately retrieved my journal.
I looked at it. And I mean really looked at it.
It seemed almost foreign now. I had officially (and I do mean officially) retired, and that sole fact had changed my entire outlook on what once was my prized possession. Now it just looked like a book. A small, bound collection of papers, slim enough to fit in your pocket.
It contained everything. It was me. Or, at least, who I had been during the past two years. I never noticed how detailed it was, how intricate and precise. Every name was mentioned, every act was described, every payment was calculated. The journal was thick and heavy, weighed down by secrets and shame. I dropped it onto my desk, where it sat open and waiting, and mentally decided to burn it later.
Before I could commit to the arson, my doorbell rang.
Sean.
This was it. The last hard part. The final hurdle in the race to being better.
After a quick pep talk, I made my way down the stairs and opened the door. Damn, he was cute.
I had almost forgotten. It seemed like it had been decades since I had seen him. His tan skin was bright and glowing, his dark hair curled by his ears, and his amber eyes lit up upon seeing my face. A ginormous part of me wanted to keep him around. We could be a summer fling, casual and low-key.
No.
No, I had to end it. Sean deserved better. Sean deserved more. I couldn't do to him what Daniel had done to me. And I couldn't go to prom with him while secretly wishing I was going with someone else.
"Hey," he said, smiling widely.
I opened the door wider and invited him in. He had never been inside my house before, and I was curious to know what he thought. My mother's house, with the black, white, and gray color scheme. Fake flowers on the tables, minimal artwork on the wall, silence, silence, silence. A deep contrast to my dad's, which was loud, loud, loud.
After talking to my mom, I was beginning to appreciate the silence. Lord knows I had dealt with enough loud, especially after the last few weeks.
"How have you been?" I asked once he was inside.
"About the same," he replied. "I've missed you. It's felt like forever."
It had only been five days, but since our last date there had been a noticeable decline in texting as well as a noticeable decline in interest. At least on my part. We left thing on a fairly good note, especially considering the fight I had had with James in the middle of the date. Sean hadn't even been fazed by it. He had continued as if nothing happened, he had made things normal again.
But something had happened and, even though we didn't acknowledge it then, it was time to acknowledge it now.
I nodded to the staircase. "Want to go upstairs?"
"Sure."
My room stood out from the rest of the house like a drop of red paint on a white canvas. Sean glanced at my bed, at my stack of books, at my desk, and at the small painting of half of a girl's face that I had positioned next to my bed.
"Your room seems like you," Sean said.
"Does it?"
I tried to look at it as if I was seeing it for the first time, but it was impossible. Everything was so comfortable, so familiar. My room at my dad's house, while slightly different in terms of color, was basically the same way.
"Sean," I said, interrupting the silent examination of my bedroom. "I need tell you something."
I had to do it now. Rip the bandaid off before I could do something stupid like bail completely.
"What is it?"
I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure what to do with my hands. After squeezing my knuckles and making a fist, I let them hang loose at my side. "I can't go to prom with you."
A beat passed . . .
And then, "Isn't prom in two days?"
"Yes."
Sean's dark eyebrows drew together. "Did something happen? Is everything okay?"
I sighed, realizing this would be harder than I thought. I had never broken up with anyone before. Instead, I had opted for the ghosting method. It was crueler, more selfish approach, but it rarely did not work in my favor.
I had also never been adequately broken up with before. My closest experience had lasted no more than five minutes and consisted of about ten words. I don't think we should do this anymore. That was it. Over. Daniel had gotten the job done quickly and efficiently, but had no regard for my feelings. I didn't want Sean to feel like I had. I was going to do it right.
"Everything is fine," I said. "I just can't go to prom with you. I know it's last second and I know we made plans. I am really sorry, I just can't."
Sean's expression didn't falter. He was still staring at me with confused eyes and a concerned mouth. "You can't go to prom with me or you can't go out with me anymore?"
I winced. "Both."
He nodded, letting the words sink in. The air in the room had gone from comfortable to awkward real fast. He said, "Can I ask why?"
I took a deep breath. Here it goes.
"A lot has happened recently. With me, I mean. I've changed a lot in the past few weeks and in that time I've . . . well, I have lost feelings. Not completely, of course. I still think you are amazing and kind and funny and smart but I - I can't be the person you deserve. I can't lead you on, or play around, or tell you that I can commit to something that I am unsure of. That's been done to me before and it was awful. I would hate to make you feel like I did. And I think that if we went to prom together we would have a great time, but it also wouldn't be right. Does any of that make sense?"
I said it all so fast that I momentarily worried about whether or not I had been speaking English.
Sean, thankfully, was nodding along. He wasn't meeting my gaze, and had his eyes trained on the floor as he listened. When I finished, he went completely still.
"It makes sense," he said after a moment. "I just don't understand how your mind could change so fast. Did you feel this way on Saturday?"
I had to think about it.
"No? Yes? Kind of?" I said without really saying anything. "I was excited for our date on Saturday and I had a great time. But . . . something did seem a little off. I didn't know what it was at the time. Honestly, I thought I was just nervous."
The wind blew and the house creaked. I had left my bedroom door open in case my mother came home early. Not that she would have walked in on anything hot and steamy. Quite the opposite, actually.
Sean leaned against my desk and crossed his arms over his chest. I could practically see his mind at work, going over how we met, our texts, our dates, our memories. There weren't many of them, but he had surely expected more. Hell, I had expected more.
"Sean?" I spoke up, trying to gage his reaction.
His brown eyes snapped to meet mine. "It's okay, Sutton. I understand. I'm just . . . going over things."
Going over things. Me and him both. The amount of times I have analyzed the past three weeks . . .
"I know it's out of nowhere," I said. "I should have figured it out sooner."
"You couldn't help that," Sean stated, shaking his head. "If I'm being honest, I could sense something was different on Saturday. I just thought it was . . . can I ask you a question?"
I blinked in surprise, taken aback by his switch to offense. "Of course."
"Does James Hadley have anything to do with this? With your . . . change in feelings?"
I couldn't answer. Not right away, at least. So many thoughts were rushing in and out of my head, it was like a four way stop with no light and no sign, just vehicles propelling every which way. The first, and most prominent, thought being: What the hell? Has it been that obvious? And the second being: Am I bitch if I tell him yes?
Turns out, I didn't have to say anything after all. My silence had answered for me.
"So that's a yes."
I ran my fingers through my hair, giving up on keeping my hands still. "It was a lot of things though, not just that. But I would be lying if I said he wasn't a part of it."
I didn't know how big of a role James truly did play in my sudden shift. My gut insisted that it was a lot. But other factors had a part as well. Mia, Francie, Carter, Daniel. And, most importantly, me. I was making my own decisions now and these decisions weren't made for the sake of money, or a deal, or a bet. They were mine and mine alone. James was a part of it, but he wasn't the whole part. If he was, I would have told him how I felt. If he was, I wouldn't be ending it with Sean. If James was the sole reason behind everything that had happened, I would have either been with James or been with Sean. But I was with neither. And that decision, for better or for worse, was all mine.
"Are you guys, like, together?" Sean asked.
I shook my head, not letting any disappointment or sadness into my voice when I said, "No, he's with Mia."
It was a fact and I said it as such. I didn't want Sean to think I was longing for someone else.
He nodded and placed his hands on the desk, using them for support. He seemed to be handling it well. I wasn't necessarily surprised, just grateful. Grateful and a tad bit remorseful. If I had met Sean at any other time we could have been something so much more. Great guy, wrong timing.
"I know it's not my place," Sean said. "But I think he likes you too. And, if you feel strongly about him, you should be honest. Just as you were honest with me."
I let the words wash over me a few times before I opened my mouth to respond. However, the second I found my voice the doorbell rang.
Both Sean and I glanced at my open bedroom door even though it was impossible to see the visitor.
"Wait here?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't take this opportunity to rush out.
Sean settled into his position against the desk, nodding his head to motion me to go ahead. I bounded down the stairs expecting to find a delivery man with a package to sign for or a landscaping company looking for business. What I wasn't expecting to see was James Hadley leaning against my doorframe wearing a paint stained t-shirt and glasses.
"Hi," I said, the word sounding more like a question than a statement.
"Hi," he replied.
We stared at each other. His figure was eclipsing the sun. The tips of his hair were fiery shades of gold and his eyes were darkened panes of glass. I could see my reflection in his wire-framed glasses. Upon seeing him I closed the door a fraction, scared of what would happen if Sean saw who had rang. James noticed my apprehensive state and raised an eyebrow.
"Is everything okay?"
"Everything is fine. Sean is over."
I don't know why I said it like that. Why would I say it like that? It just flew out of my mouth with no warning, no yellow light. Slow down, Sutton. Relax, Sutton. I regretted it immediately.
"Oh," James pulled away from the door, taking a step back into the shadows. "We can talk later then."
I shook my head. I was desperate for him to stay, desperate to hear what he came to tell me. Was he apologizing for being distant yesterday? Had something happened with him and Mia? Had Mia told him the truth? Or was it something else entirely?
"It's okay," I said, opening the door a little wider so that I could step outside. "We're just talking. Why are you here?"
"I don't want to interrupt."
He was being oddly cautious. And cautious was not a word commonly used to describe James.
"You aren't interrupting anything," I said quickly. I backtracked immediately. "Okay, that's not true. You kind of are, but nothing like that. I actually just broke up with him so things are kind of -"
"Holy shit, Sutton," James' eyes widened and he moved closer, peering through the open door as if he could see a brokenhearted Sean standing over my shoulder. A switch was pulled. One moment he was cautiously backing away and the next he full of energy and pressed against me like a nosy puppy. "You're breaking up with him? Right now? Jesus, you have to get back in there."
I rolled my eyes and pushed him back a step. "Relax, it already happened. We're cool, he's not upset."
"Yeah but still," James continued to look over my head. "The poor guy shouldn't be left alone right now. Did you at least lock your window? He doesn't look like a jumper but you can never be too sure."
I swatted him with my hand. "That's not funny!"
"It wasn't a joke! Breakups are tough, Button!"
I turned at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Sean was hurrying down the stairs, head ducked and too preoccupied to notice James and I until he was no more than a foot away.
"Oh," Sean said, sliding to a sudden stop upon seeing James. Sean's eyes bounced from me to James and then back again. He looked nervous. "Hey man."
James, oddly enough, snapped to attention. He smiled politely and extended a hand. It was a strange character reversal. Normally James was the aloof, moody one and here Sean was acting like we were seconds away from biting him. "Hey, Sean. Good to see you."
Sean removed his hand from where it had been stuffed in his back pocket and hesitantly shook hands with James. "You too. Listen, Sutton, I need to get going. I'll see you la- . . . Well, I'll just see you."
He looked as if he was going to hug me and then thought better of it, settling on an awkward wave instead. He nudged his was past James and was halfway to his car before I had time to respond. My eyes just followed him, unsure how to react, unsure of whether or not I should stop him.
"Yeah, see you," I called, still not caught up with what had just transpired.
James and I watched Sean's car disappeared down the street. When he turned back to face me he looked just as confused as I was.
"What did you do to him?" James asked, glancing at the street empty road.
I shook my head. "I have no idea."
Author's Note
Hello my lovely readers! There are so many of you now! Seriously, in the span of a month this story went from 3,000 reads to ALMOST 10K!!! You people are incredible!!!
I will make you guys a deal: If we get to 10k I will upload another HTTYB chapter and TWO chapters of my next story. Deal?
Loving all of the wonderful comments. I see and love every single one of them. Please keep voting, we are so close to 1,000 votes. (Also, 800 votes and 9K reads? That's a kick ass ratio you guys!)
As always, excuse the mistakes. Your girl is not the best editor.