Harry Styles
Leave it to me to say the wrong thing at the wrong time because I was sure to deliver.
Last night, when she stormed out of my room, I sat back down on my bed and regretted even breathing. With my back on the mattress, I replayed all that happened within seconds – we literally went from cuddling to screaming at each other, although, she did most of the work.
I understood where she came from. Completely. And I hated that I threw what she said back in her face. I had done that to my brother and I couldn't believe I had made that mistake again. Kensington had serious trust issues and all I did was make that worse for her by saying what I did. It made me want to punch myself in the face for it.
I told her she deserved the world and then I decided to be a right cunt about her not taking me home. It really shouldn't have affected me as much as it did. I guess my doubts got the best of me as my thoughts made me believe she was embarrassed of me due to our age difference or the name I held. Or she simply thought I was too much or wanted too much.
I did sound like an absolute arse when I brought his ex into the conversation.
Damn. I really did have to fuck up all the good things in my life, huh?
I fell asleep with that question in mind and I woke up with that question in mind. The realisation only hit me later that I passed out on my bed, sideways and I had no idea where Kensington was.
I raised my hands to cover my yawn as I walked down the stairs and before I even got fully down, I saw from the turn that she slept on my couch. The furniture was pushed together, much like the time she came over to look after me, two blankets on top of her as she was asleep. My heart flipped in my chest at the sight and it hurt me because she had to sleep down here on her own. Then I realised she was asleep and that made me happy. I highly doubted she had sleeping pills with her so she fell asleep on her own and that was so good.
Once I walked over to the kitchen, I tried to be as quiet as I possibly could be. My plans included not waking her up. Then I remembered our conversation last night and how she had to be at work today. I glanced at the oven, which had the time on it, the numbers changed to nine in the same moment.
I picked out a couple of grapes from the box I had in the fridge and as I popped them in my mouth, I walked over to her. I didn't really want her to go to work with us being in a funk but I also knew she would be even more upset if I would have stopped her from going in.
"Ren," I placed my hand on her and shook her a little bit as I squatted down to be face level with her. A few more strokes later, she began to open her eyes, first squinted at me and then let out a heavy sigh. "I know, darling, I'm sorry but you told me you want to go in today."
"Ah, fuck," she groaned as she rolled onto her back, her hands rubbed her eyes and I stood up. "Where is my phone?"
"I'm not sure... why do you need it?"
"To call my driver. I need a lift home to get ready," she yawned loudly as she pushed herself up on the couch.
"I'll drop you off."
"You don't need to, I'll be fine once my driver gets-,"
"Nonsense. I'm taking you home then to work, from where I'll get you and we'll go to dinner and talk about stuff, okay?"
"I don't want to go out, though," she told me with her sleepy voice. "We can talk, I guess, but no to a restaurant-dinner."
"How about I cook?"
"You can do," she shrugged. I watched as she stood up and lost her balance for a second. I was quick to reach out and hold her hand, then guided her down from the couch that she jumped off of. "I will also take your clothes because I'm not putting my trousers back on."
"Sure, whatever you want," I smiled at her and she just looked away. I inhaled deeply as I watched her walk upstairs and decided to not follow her.
I sat down on the arm of the couch and propped my elbow up on the back. She lowkey hated me, didn't she? Ugh, of course, she did. She trusted me with what happened to her in the past and I just shoved it back in her face like the twat I was.
Whilst she was doing whatever she was doing upstairs, I decided to make myself a buttered toast and I ate some grapes with that. Sometimes, the weirdest food combinations made it into my stomach. Then I guess it made it to Kensington as well because I decided to make her a toast, too and put a handful of grapes in a small container. I just knew she would have no time – or more like wouldn't find the time – to eat and so because it was still a touchy area for her and it was something that worried me, I decided to make sure she would have at least something in her stomach.
Soon enough, she came down with her hair neatly pulled into a bun on the top of her head, my clothes massive on her as she held her clothes from yesterday in her hands. She looked cute, I actually really enjoyed her in my stuff. It showed she felt comfortable around me or it might not have meant that in general, but it did for me.
"Look," I sighed after we were both in the car. I didn't start it yet, we just sat in silence. "I'm sorry for being a dick last night. I didn't mean to come off like an inconsiderate arsehole about you not taking me home to meet your family... it's not something I should worry about if you don't feel ready yet. It is clear that you care a lot about your parents' opinion on you and what you do and I knew that but... I felt like my age was something you felt off about. Or maybe you thought that it would be weird if they asked... you're only three years older than me and that's not a big gap at all, I'm not sure why I thought it would be a big deal."
"Your age doesn't matter. The way you behave, the attitude you have is what matters," she stated simply, her voice a little off and cold. My jaw tightened at her tone, my chest didn't feel as warm as it usually did when around her. "Now, let's go."
I was at loss for words or any reaction, really, therefore I just turned on the car and decided to take her home.
This was so weird. So tense. I didn't like it at all. We put the whole thing off that happened between us before the funeral, the conversation that occurred at her office, the way we left things about the contract... I felt like that played a huge role in her stand-offish behaviour. But then she completely put that to the side when I needed her at the funeral. And after. She even went as far as sucking me off and then held me again and I just had to fucking ruin it with my big mouth. She probably would have been down to talk about what happened in her office before because when I was at the pub with Levi, she told me over the phone that she didn't like the way we left things.
But now, I had that to deal with and the newer wall that she clearly began to build because of last night. By the time I got rid of one layer, she was ready to build two back up.
I didn't even realise just how loud my sigh was and I completely forgot that she was still next to me in the car. My thoughts had the tendency of causing me to zone out like crazy and it truly did make me wonder how we didn't get into a car crash or something.
"What about-," I began.
"The contract i-," she spoke up the same time as me and that made both of us stop quickly.
I rolled my lips into my mouth to hide my smile and I heard her muffle a chuckle. She let out a sigh and then everything became quiet again. She was about to talk about the contract and that was exactly what I wanted to bring up as well. That made me smile, the thought of us thinking of the same thing was kind of funny.
"I know you want to know what will happen after this month is over, but in all honesty, I don't have a clue," she told me suddenly. She sounded honest, which was all I wanted her to be. "When it comes to my business, I have future plans, I have to have them in order to survive, and it is logical, which comes easy to me. I know what I want when it comes to my brand and I somewhat know how to get there, too. Sure, there are some trial and errors but that's what makes it fun," she explained. It made no sense why she spoke about work, then again, she always did. In some way, I wondered if that made it easier for her to open up. Perhaps, if she related things to her company, she found it easier to explain what she meant. "Now, when it comes to... whatever we have going on, I'm not so sure what my next move is going to be. I don't have much control over it, which fucking terrifies me. Then again, I don't have control over anything other than my work."
"You do, though," I interrupted her softly. She took a little while to think and it felt right to speak up. "You have so much control over your everyday life. What you wear, what you're going to eat, what you're going to do, if you're going to call me, text me or email me. You do have the choice to spend time with your family or me, you have the choice to let yourself fall and show your emotions and you have the choice to keep everything to yourself. It's all in your head, Ren."
"I guess. I don't know. Sometimes even those decisions seem to slip through my fingers and it's so nerve-wracking. So, whenever you ask me about what's going to happen with this... thing, I panic and I overthink and I feel pressured to give you an answer which I'm not even sure where to get from. Trust me, I despise not knowing things so I understand why you might be annoyed with me."
"Ren, sweetheart," I sighed as I reached for her hand. I slipped my fingers between hers before I brought it to my lips, a dozen of kisses pressed onto the back of her hand before I pressed it against my cheek. "I'm not annoyed with you."
"Then?" she asked in frustration.
"I'm scared," I admitted. "I'm scared that I might not end up being in your life after this month. I'm scared that I might not get to spend the holidays with you. I'm scared that you will shove me out of your life because I signed the contract in which you stated we can't be in contact after this month ends. Well, that is if you won't be able to trust me and stuff... it genuinely scares the living shit out of me."
"See! You have no control over how you feel. Isn't that the worst fucking thing ever?" she asked me a bit louder. "That's how it is for me with this. Like, you are scared I might leave but I don't even know if I will or if I should."
"Well, do you want to?" I asked.
"I don't know."
"Why?"
"Because... I just don't know," she quieted down. "Why do you want me to stay with you? Am I not a lot to deal with?"
"Not more than me," I chuckled. "Look. No one is going to be easy to deal with or whatever. Everyone has something that they think will make others want to leave them or will make them think they are not worth anyone's time. Relationships – whether they are romantic or not – are effort to keep up. It is built on trust and- and need. Out of those two, I would say we have need jotted down and sorted, as for trust... we are working on that. Although, personally, I feel like we're on the right path to have it secured."
"I suppose... I just wish I could be how I was before."
"Why?" I asked and then quickly added. "I don't mind how you are now."
"I was not always so work focused. I spent my time doing other things... things that people consider fun," she said vaguely. "Now I just attend meetings and conferences, answer emails and order people around. Which, for me, is a lot of fun. I enjoy being in control – at least I have power over work stuff. But for you, someone... normal, these things are not fun."
"You've been played a lot and I understand why it's important for you to work so much. It's like your safety, right? It's where you feel like you- like you won't get judged or... well, I'm not sure. I just believe it is your safe place. You feel like your job is the only thing you can control because you are so used to your life going the wrong way."
"I guess," she mumbled. "Scratch that. You and I both know that is exactly why I work so much. It takes my mind off of everything and everyone else and it's a great way to know I'm the boss in every sense. But-," she suddenly stopped her explanation and inhaled sharply. I waited for her to say more but it didn't happen right away. Kensington took another breath before she softly spoke. "Yes. You are right. Work is my safety."
I kept my eyes on her for as long as I could, the red light seemed to turn green so much faster than when she was not with me. It was now my turn to sigh and leave the conversation to fade into the silence. I didn't want to press her on it more plus we agreed to talk after she was done with work.
When we rolled up to her building, I stopped the car just as she unbuckled her seatbelt.
"You don't have to wait for me and take me to work," she said.
"I told you I will."
"Well, I don't want you to," she said a bit more serious this time around. Her words made my chest pang with a tiny bit of hurt, the fact that she didn't want me to drop her off probably shouldn't have hurt me as much as it did.
"Okay..." I mumbled quietly. She got out of the car then as soon as the door slammed closed, I knew she was no longer with me. My eyes followed her as she disappeared into the building through the massive doors, my head hit the headrest of the seat as I closed my eyes.
I sat there for a bit, I didn't know how long. My mind was empty for once, no sad or angry thoughts clouded it. That was a nice change. I liked not thinking of anything or anyone in particular. It didn't happen a lot these days, for the most part, Renleigh Kensington ate up my brain storage.
A loud knock on my window brought me out of my daydreaming, my whole body jolted in surprise and my heart went insane in my chest. As I looked out, I saw Kensington there, in a pair of pink, satin trousers that she kept up on her waist with a black belt and had a flowy, flower-y shirt tucked into it. Her whole chest was on show, a couple of gold necklaces covered up some of the exposed area. Her hair was down and brushed, a cream coloured trench coat laid over her right arm with a bag over it.
She looked at me with a confused facial expression, kind of worried, too, which confused me. I rolled down my window whilst she looked to one side then to the other.
"I told you not to wait for me," she sighed. I couldn't help but notice as the soft wind blew her shirt to the side a little, the folded down part now on her chest. I sniffled and blinked a few times to get rid of the blurry vision that my surprise tears brought along and wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah... yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I asked her with a soft chuckle. I didn't cry because she didn't let me take her to work. I cried because I was fucking heartbroken over my best friend and I had no idea how I was going to cope without anyone today. "Go to work. I was just... on the phone to someone."
"Alright. Well. Dinner is not an option today because I have to stay late. Tomorrow I have a busy day so don't even expect me to have time to call or text or anything. Wednesday is fine for now but I wouldn't really say I'm available then, either. Thursday is probably the best option."
"So, you're telling me I have to wait two and a half days to see you or talk to you in any way, shape or form?"
"Pretty much," she nodded. "Call your friends or something and tell them about what happened. They should be the ones there for you, anyway. Maybe talk to your nan or uncle or something. I'm not sure," she said and I couldn't help but notice just how cold she sounded. And it wasn't because of the weather. "My driver is here. See you later."
As she walked away from my car and got in hers, I very much felt like she walked away from me for good. Then again, that was a bit dramatic to say. She did mention I would be able to see her on Thursday so I knew she was bound to come back but the already existing pain in my chest and messy thoughts led me believe otherwise and brought another round of pathetic sobs upon my shoulders.
• • •
a.n.
aw look at them being all vulnerable and shit hehehehe couldn't be me but hey ho!
some fun chapters are coming up in terms of renleigh letting harry in more and then doing what she's best at - pushing him away almost instantly. sis been burned a few times so i guess it makes sense but i don't wanna give too much away so imma shut up lol
be sure to comment and vote as usual <3