KURT'S REHABILITATION CENTER, no matter how daunting of a place, appeared outwardly like a rather decent residence to live in as far as Lindy was concerned. Maybe not for the obvious reasons, one being what the place was actually intended for, but it didn't remind her of the kind of hell-holes that some addicts wound up in without doing proper research.
She was forever indebted to Jack for suggesting the facility to her.
Lindy was ushered inside with the usual gang of Kurt's 'people,' Rosemary Carroll included on this very day. She had come to discuss Kurt's pending divorce with Courtney, an ongoing debacle that was almost finally over with.
"Thanks," Lindy sighed with relief as she entered past the heavy glass doors of the center, shrugging her arms out of the bulky jacket she wore to hide any indication of her bump.
"Anything for you," Rosemary smiled, holding a manila folder against her chest. "I see you've got something there."
Lindy looked down, where in her hand she held the small photograph that she had gotten from the hospital that day of her ultrasound. It was only a still glimpse of the emotional experience of watching the ultrasound in live time, but it was still something. Something that would remind Kurt that he had plenty to look forward to.
"Yeah, it's a little special something for him," Lindy said, holding the picture up. Rosemary took the photo and examined it, smiling to herself. She handed the photo back.
"He's going to adore it, you know that right?" Rosemary said, walking down the hallway by Lindy's side towards the outside pavilion where Kurt awaited them.
"I thought he might. It's unfortunate that he can't be there, though."
"Well, he could be there, but he's exerting impressive self control. He's already told me that he doesn't want to step foot outside unless he's sure he can restrain himself from using."
"But the court date . . ." Lindy said, recalling the day from the week beforehand in which Kurt was forced to leave rehab so he could attend court to settle his divorce in person. It had been a rare time that he had actually left the facility grounds.
"I know. He didn't want to do it, but I told him if he didn't, there'd be no divorce. He was practically glued to my side the entire day. I could tell he wasn't ready. He told me that he was scared that if he left for a day, he'd never come back."
Lindy frowned. It was difficult knowing that Kurt was still struggling. She had not expected his addiction to vanish into thin air, but his pain would always be hers, and she knew how bad withdrawal could be. Especially for Kurt, who had clearly not entirely shaken his craving for heroin.
"Don't worry about it, Lindy. He's doing great and he's going to be fine in no time. And he'll have joint custody of Frances, which is even better. It's going smoothly. I wouldn't be discouraged if I were you," Rosemary preached, patting Lindy's shoulder as they arrived at the pavilion doors leading to the fenced area outside.
Lindy gave her a thankful smile, but focused her attention on the figure with his back to her, sitting at a picnic table in the courtyard. He was in a patch of sunshine, a scarce beam of light that had broken through Seattle's usual thick layer of clouds. Her heart seemed to skip a beat when she watched him lower his head down to the table, probably bored of waiting.
"You first," Rosemary insisted, stepping aside and waving her arm out. Lindy happily accepted, eager to see Kurt's smiling face and gift him the ultrasound photo. She tucked it into her jean pocket, wanting it to remain a surprise.
"Come here often?" she asked lightly, walking up behind Kurt and touching his back with her fingertips. He turned in his seat, smiling warmly when he saw her standing there, baby bump and all.
"That's a mean joke, even for you," he teased, standing and placing his hands on Lindy's hips to tug her forward.
"Another failed attempt to be funny," Lindy grinned, feeling her body spark with thrilled energy to once again be with Kurt. He kissed her, deepening the kiss for much longer than he probably should have in a public setting. It took effort on Lindy's part to pull away, regretfully ignoring the ache of desire that spread down to her thighs.
Another downfall of Kurt's rehab — two months, so far, without sex. A harrowing record set for them both in the time that they'd been reunited.
"Don't," Lindy breathed, moving her head to the side and feeling a strand of Kurt's blonde hair catch on her eyelashes. "Or else I'm going to end up begging you to come home for a day."
"I've thought about it," Kurt admitted with a look of longing, squeezing his fingers tighter around Lindy's waist. When Lindy saw a nurse cross a path that wasn't too far away from them, she stepped away from Kurt and flushed red.
"So come home," she taunted, sliding into the seat opposite of where Kurt had been waiting. He sat too, smiling in a way that told Lindy he would have to unfortunately let her down.
"If I wasn't so fucking scared to disappoint you, I would."
"You can't ever disappoint me," Lindy disagreed, automatically reaching for his hand.
"Yes I can. Trust me," Kurt sighed. It was like Lindy could read his mind; she knew he was thinking about heroin and its lustrous call to fill his veins. It was still a threat, one that had yet to subside out of their lives.
"How's your stomach?" Lindy asked suddenly. The thought of heroin had reminded her of Kurt's ongoing stomach problems, which had come back shortly before the day in the greenhouse. Heroin had kept the pain at bay, but Kurt's abandonment of the drug had been destined to stir it up once more.
"The pain is almost gone," Kurt said proudly. "The doctors still don't know what it was. No one gives a shit, I think. I mean it doesn't matter now, with it finally going away again. But fuck, I thought the stomach pains alone would kill me."
"They won't now. I'm so happy it's going away, Kurt. You're so much closer to coming home," Lindy said.
"Speaking of homes . . ." Kurt started. "Have you been looking?"
Lindy grimaced. Only a few weeks prior, Kurt had instructed Lindy to go house-hunting for a place where they would be able to live together and raise the baby, and Frances too when she wasn't with Courtney. He and Rosemary had finished the process of dismantling he and Courtney's shared bank account, and now that he alone possessed his money, Kurt was more than ready for Lindy to spend it. He had even asked Rosemary to accompany Lindy on these house tours in case she found one that she was keen to buy.
But Lindy was nowhere near ready.
It was admittedly true that she and Kurt would need a bigger place if they planned on moving in together. Her apartment, her safe place for all those years, was simply not fit for a young family who planned to have a full time newborn baby and an almost two-year-old hanging around.
Kurt was enthusiastic about Lindy finding a house for them both and expected her to be fit to do it on her own, but Lindy had come to the conclusion that it wasn't right to buy a house with Kurt's money without Kurt. She had tried, of course, but each time she had backed out, unable to put even a dime down on any house that she had previewed.
It was a task she had planned to do with him, not by herself. She was content to house them both in her apartment until they could find a place together. The baby would sleep in her room for the time being; she was sure that together, they wouldn't take long to decide on a home once Kurt was freed from rehab.
"Don't make me do it without you," Lindy complained.
"I thought you would like finding a house," Kurt said, looking ashamed that he had enlisted Lindy with the job when she didn't want it. She shook her head.
"It's not that. It's just that I want to do those things with you. Right now feels like dead time. I'm just waiting for the day when you're out of here. That's when my life starts again."
Kurt glanced into his lap and bobbed his head in understanding. Rehab had been his hardest feat yet, especially when the outside world sang his name and reminded him of all that he had. Every day was spent thinking interchangeably of Frances, Lindy and the baby, the three of them preoccupying his mind and even his art — lots of free time on his hands had meant creating all sorts of painted creations, most of them based on his three muses.
"Soon," Kurt promised, his voice lowering to a rasp.
"Don't rush it for me," Lindy contended. "Take your time. Get back to yourself. You're already looking better."
It was true. Kurt looked similar to the image Lindy had conjured in her dream shortly before he had gone missing. The color in his face was back, his eyes bright and less bloodshot. He was of course still skinny and his hair was still a mop on his head, but his health had definitely improved.
"Trying," Kurt said bluntly, looking away from Lindy and towards the row of doors that appeared behind glass windows. Lindy nervously twisted Kurt's hand in hers on the table as she felt it grow limp.
"Are you alright?" she prodded gently.
In all honesty, Lindy had feared moments like this. Kurt's resentment or anger towards her seemed unfathomable to most who knew them, but to Lindy, the possibility that he could eventually despise her for what she'd done haunted her.
Kurt had not wanted to live. He had been ready to die. And Lindy had taken that choice away from him. She had held the hand that had almost done it, barring Kurt from escaping his pain. In her heart she felt that she'd done the right thing, but her fear that Kurt would hate her for snatching his independence away persisted.
"I'm okay," Kurt answered, picking at a loose splinter of paint peeling up from the table.
"I don't . . . expect you to change over night, Kurt. I'll never expect anything out of you. I just want you here. With me."
"You still think I don't want that?" Kurt said, knitting his eyebrows and finally catching Lindy's worried eyes.
"I don't know. It's my fault that you have to go through this, I guess. I stopped you."
"I stopped because I realized all that I have to live for," Kurt interrupted. "I may not be shit, and that will probably never change, but I have three people who really need me."
"I wish I could have been better. Or at least done more. So you would have never felt that way in the first place," Lindy muttered, unable to not acknowledge the guilt that wavered in her heart.
"Lindy, it had nothing to do with you. I didn't want to die because you weren't good enough for me. I wanted to die because I wasn't good enough for you."
Lindy had heard Kurt preach this sentiment time and time again. She had even heard it sitting across from him in the greenhouse while his hand had hovered over the shotgun. She knew it was high time she start believing it, but until Kurt was out of rehab, Lindy didn't think she'd be able to fully move on from the memory of his suicide attempt.
Trying to change the subject, she rubbed her fist against her nose and sniffed away any straggling tears that had almost escaped her eyes. She dug a hand into her pocket and found the ultrasound image, pulling it out and laying it flat on the table.
"I brought you something," she said softly, pushing it towards Kurt.
He picked it up and looked, his face transforming into an expression of sheer wonder as he scrutinized the details of the ultrasound in silence for a few passing minutes. Lindy watched as he dragged a finger across the glossy face of the photo, his blue eyes huge with fascination.
"When was this done?" he asked in a tone that gave way to his marveling.
"Today," Lindy informed. "We were supposed to find out the gender, but I said no. I've barely even looked at that photo. I don't want to ruin it for myself. Knowing ultrasounds, and all that."
"You want to be surprised?" Kurt guessed, still refusing to take his eyes off the picture.
"No. I want you to be there when it's revealed. That's how it should be."
Kurt raised his stare to Lindy's face, overwhelmed by the announcement of her decision. It was as if he didn't really believe that she would have waited for him; if it had been Courtney, he was convinced that surely, she would have not waited to know her baby's gender, Kurt being present for it or not.
"You did that for me?" he said, his fingers still clinging around the edges of the ultrasound photo.
"Of course I did. We're in this together, as it should be."
Kurt, touched by Lindy's choice to wait to hear the biggest news of her pregnancy, slid the picture of their baby back across the table.
"What are you doing?" Lindy asked, holding her hands away. "That's for you, Kurt."
"For me?" Kurt repeated, again sounding stunned. "You don't want it?"
"It's your baby too," Lindy reminded him, pushing the picture back his way.
"My baby," Kurt said, parroting Lindy for a second time as he picked the photo up again and stared. It was obvious that the ultrasound would become his new obsession, his guiding light as he navigated through his final weeks of rehab.
Lindy stayed quiet and instead of talking, chose to watch Kurt inspect the photograph a little while longer. It may have been a missed chance for more conversation between them, but for Lindy, the sight of Kurt poring over their child pictured inside her womb was enough to get through another day.