Recap: ... at that moment, Liam knew that his best friend, his hero remembered. His Niall was in there somewhere. He was in there just waiting to be awakened from that slumber of his. Liam was determined to help. He was determined to make Niall remember.
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"Uh, dad?" Niall hovered in the entryway to the living room. He was unsure of how he would ask his father about going out. It all seemed odd to him - foreign. He walked the halls as if they weren't his. He stayed silent and kept to himself. He felt like an alien in his own life.
"Yeah?"
"I'm going out..."
His father looked at him with curious, warm eyes. He put the newspaper down and rubbed his belly. "Where to?"
Niall shrugged and fiddled with his house keys. He didn't want to drive, not after the accident he couldn't even remember. He didn't want to lose anything more. His life was only half complete because of his lost memory. "Uh, to Liam's. Just thought I'd go over there..." He trailed off, getting nervous at his dads' calm silence, "Check on him and yeah, ya' know, concidering..."
Niall shifted his weight and began gnawing on his lip, "Ya' aren't bringing the car are ya' boy?"
He shook his head rapidly, scoffing at the thought, "Definitely not."
After a couple more seconds, his father finally shrugged and shoed him off. Relief welled up inside him. He just wanted fresh air. To get out and clear his thoughts. Yet, the feeling that was tugging inside him was growing stronger and stronger inside of him. The sense of want...almost needs, inside of him that was begging, tugging and pulling for him to go to Liam's. It scared him. Was he supposed to feel so strongly about a friend? Were best friends always this close? Did best friends think about each other the way he had thought of Liam last night...?
Niall shook his head. He knew that he would have to stop whatever this was. Stop thinking about everything, especially about that tingle he got when he would picture Liam next to him and leaning in close, gazing into his eyes, his hand slowly trailing up his arm...
Stop!
He pushed his hands deeper into his pockets. Here he told himself that thinking of his friend like that was prohibited, yet he was walking over to his house like a madman. He quickened with every step, feeling relieved and more agitated as he got closer. The stirring of joy inside of him was growing like wildfire, scorching his nerves into giddiness.
Finally, he was there at a slightly small but average house. Niall stopped at the front entrance. He stared up at the building for a few seconds before taking a deep breath. Niall skipped the steps up to the porch, but the door flew open before he could even knock.
"Niall, hunny! I'm so glad to see you, how are you doing?" A woman exclaimed, pulling him into a tight hug.
"I- well I um, I'm good, ya'..."
She took a step back. That's when Niall saw this glint of worry in her eyes and a tired look hiding behind her smile. "Geoff, Ni is here! Go and tell Liam, would you? I'll make some tea."
She pulled him in and told him to take his jacket and shoes off. Then, leaving them at the door, she brought him into the living room. Then she was off, leaving Niall in the empty space. He looked around, looking closely at the pictures hanging on the wall.
Niall and Liam had hung out a few times. Although seemingly familiar with the boy and his family, Niall still felt a peculiar sense of discomfort. He felt alien at his home, even though he felt at home when he was there, but it was an odd discomfort here. A dizzying high that Niall couldn't fully comprehend. It's like Niall was stuck in a twilight zone.
Just the other day, They were lying on the lawn, a silence overcoming them. Niall had looked over at Liam, his eyes closed, eyebrows slightly scrunched. It was then that Niall began to think about how everyone must feel. How could Niall ever expect himself to be a part of these people's lives? Niall tried to recall certain things when his parents mentioned something, but his feelings were all he got. So then, premonitions of his past, he started to call them.
Liam's eyes had fluttered open, and he turned his head to meet Niall's gaze. It was here that Niall recognized how pretty Liam's eyes were. Big, brown, framed by perfectly long and curled lashes. Niall imagined he could look at Liam's earthly brown irises forever.
"Are you getting hungry?" Liam asked in a whisper.
Niall blinked a few times as he tried to figure out how to feel about his entrancement in those few, incredibly humble seconds. Finally, he smiled sheepishly, stomach rubbing. It hadn't taken Niall long to w recognize his appetite. His mother had sighed in relief when she saw how much he was eating at the house.
A couple more moments like this one had Niall on edge. What made it worse was that he couldn't determine what he was experiencing exactly. He just knew that Liam was a friend and that he felt just as much at home with Liam as he did in his own room.
Niall glances around, realizing that he hadn't had a good look inside the house yet. So, as he waited for Liam, he took a peek around. Feeling out of place but too curious to let embarrassment stop him. There was what looked to be a family photo. They were photos of outings and a lot of which Niall recognized himself as a kid. He knew this for his own father, who showed him some albums, but he couldn't remember anything. They were just foreign pictures, a glimpse of someone's life that was not his, even if it was once upon a time ago. The one image that caught Niall's eye is him and Liam, standing close together in swim trunks. There's a glistening lake behind them, and Niall's hair shows off his natural brown colour. Niall has Liam into a headlock, both laughing without a care in the world...
"Hey."
Niall jumped at the rough, wary voice. He looked up to find his brown-eyed friend in the entrance, slowly making his way to the couch. Niall asked if he was asleep, for Liam looked tired as if he didn't get a good night's rest, and Niall coming over was just another intrusion on his peace, but Liam shook his head, "Nah, I wasn't."
Niall nodded and lapsed into silence. Now that he was there, he didn't know what to say. There was eerie contentment settling within him, one that made him want to dig further into Liam's evident state, but he didn't know how to proceed with such questioning and could only relax into Liam's presence.
Liam cleared his throat, "So, what exactly brought you over here?"
Niall shrugged while refusing to meet the boy's gaze. "Just thought I'd check in."
Liam relaxed a bit inside. Niall didn't know—at least—he didn't know yet. The chemo took a massive toll on him the last couple of weeks. He couldn't keep his food down. He was throwing up everything. He felt tired and out of place—just always so tired—and the most minor things stressed his body out. Even just walking from the seat outside and into the house was exhausting. If he weren't deteriorating as he was, Liam would have gone over to Niall right away, but Liam couldn't muster up enough energy no matter how much he tried.
"Right," Liam said, nodding slowly, "So, what would you like to do today, Mr. Horan."
Slightly smiling at that last bit, he met Liam's gaze to see that Liam's eyes were smiling back at him. "Anything you're prepared to do, Mr. Payne."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
They found themselves held up in Liam's room. His room was a little cluttered. Not messy, but disorganized. They were playing the game, Liam laying on the bed while Niall sat on the floor, leaning back. They played like this forever on multiplayer, straining to stay alive as they played on a split-screen.
As far as Niall was concerned, there was nothing wrong. But Liam? Liam was straining. His mother came in like clockwork. Liam had told his parents, and they discussed with Niall's parents what Liam wanted. Surprisingly, it was Liam's parents who pushed back, urging him not to keep his cancer a secret. But the chemo was working. Liam, for right now, just wanted Niall to stay in a bit of a bubble, for now, maybe, hopefully, remember on his own. And if not, Liam was determined that he'd be here for Niall to make new memories.
But right now, his pain medication was not effective. Liam was starting to fade. Liam didn't know just how exhausted he was. So when Liam wasn't was talking and playing the game one second and asleep the next after a few hours of gaming, Niall was surprised to find Liam asleep. Niall wordlessly turned the gaming system off. He gently removed the controller from Liam's hand. He didn't stir, not one bit. I grabbed a blanket to cover him. He stood there, looking at the room before looking down at Liam, who seemed peaceful. Niall hesitated, reaching out his hand to reach him but pulling back, deciding it better to let him sleep and left.
When Liam awoke later that evening, he was surprised to find the sky darkening and his room quiet and dim. His mouth was dry, and to Liam's annoyance, tasted like chemicals. He sat up, instantly regretting the motion as he felt his stomach turn. Liam felt dizzy as he got up. But there was no way he was going to make it. Liam fumbled to grab his small garbage bin and heaved over. The noises he was making drew his parents up from downstairs. His mother fell to his knees and held the bucket, her hand a soothing comfort on his back. Her voice is soft and reassuring. Liam's stomach hurt. There was barely anything in his stomach. Whatever was there was let out on his wave. Now, it just felt like his insides were trying to squeeze out of him.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
"Liam, are-"
"Yes mum, I'm positive. Don't worry."
With a stifled sigh, she turned into the nearly empty parking lot, and he did his best to ignore her probing side glances.
Liam wanted to see a movie. He wanted to spend time with Niall. And the best thing to do precisely that and not exhaust himself was to watch a movie. It was a perfect solution for the day. It was Liam's idea. So even though he already felt a bit tired, he tried his best to play the part of 'okay.'
As they got out of the car, his mom rolled down the window, "Remember Liam-"
"I know I know! If anything is wrong call you and/or call for help."
She yelled out again for them to enjoy the movie. Both boys felt her watching them walk into the building.
Niall couldn't help but ask. He felt that bubbling curiosity inside his stomach. He wasn't sure if Liam's mom had separation issues or if she was just really protective. But, of course, it could have been both.
"She worries." Niall blinked a couple of times. Liam had a sideways, lazy grin on. "My mother just worries." His brows furrowed and his smile slowly faded. It looked as if though he were debating something in his head before he started again. "She worries about whether or not I'm experiencing the things I should for my age- the good and bad. Of course, I guess it doesn't help that she's a tad protective." Then he shrugged, "But I guess all mothers are."
Niall was going to ask what Liam meant with the experiencing part of that explanation, but Liam stopped suddenly, and his smile grew. Niall had to remind himself to breathe.
"We are going to Batman. And that's final."
Niall chuckled and let Liam drag him along to the ticket stand.
Liam tried to keep his breathing under control. His legs were beginning to shake with weakness, and his head was slowly easing in and out of clouds. He hadn't felt this tired in so long. Perhaps even since he first started those boxing lessons. And yet...it was still worth it. Watching Niall order food was like catching a glimpse of how he was before the accident. Liam was still wary of the way he was. The distance in his eyes and the mostly flat and guarded tone took control when Niall talked. It was nice to see his old Ni back, even if it was over food.
Liam chuckled, and Niall looked at him with wide eyes. "What?" He asked with his chipmunk cheeks, popcorn falling to the floor as they walked to cinema number six.
"You won't have any popcorn left for the movie."
Niall blinked and looked at the bag in Liam's hands. "That's why I got two large bags..."
"And yet here I thought you were being a generous spender." Liam said with a smirk, bumping him along the way.
They entered the theatre just in time. Climbing the steps all the way to the top, they found a decent spot as the movie's introduction began.
Liam sank down in his chair. A slight chill enveloped him. He noticed he seemed to lose body heat almost as quickly as he gained warmth. He had eaten some breakfast this morning. His family looked relieved when they saw him hold his meal down. After he couldn't stand another bite, he excused himself to sit on the porch outback. Then, it came up. He tried so hard to keep it down, but he couldn't. Finally, he ran over to the side of the rail, the side he knew his family wouldn't walk by regularly and got sick in the bushes. Sweat slicked his skin, and he gripped the rails while he waited for the dizziness to subside. Then, shakily, Liam sat down on the bench.
Liam was surprised to see Ruth, and she met his gaze. He knew he looked sheepish. He was guilty that he was caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Liam didn't have to say anything. Ruth saw that look on her siblings so many times before but never was that pleading look applied to a difficult situation. Don't tell mom. She hesitated before sitting down next to him and grabbed his hand, squeezing gently. They sat like that for some time. Ruth loved her brother, so she sat with him. She also wouldn't mention the vomit in their bushes. Ruth let Liam have this small piece of comfort.
"Thank you," He whispered.
"Will you tell them?" Her eyebrows raised.
He has smiled sheepishly, "I think i have to. But right now, I want them to have a moment. They need a win."
She smiled. It looked a little sad. There weren't many wins lately. The treatment was working, so the doctor said. But Liam was exhausted all the time. How he was able to keep up his shenanigans when he was with Niall is beyond Ruth's capacity to understand. She knew her brother loved Niall. Not just as a friend, and before the accident, she was sure that Niall loved him too. Now? Oh god... now she didn't know if Niall loved Liam in the same way, and she wondered later that day if Niall would ever love Liam in the same way again. "Okay." She whispered softly.
So, Liam sat in the theatre chair with Niall next to him. The movies seemed like a good idea, a nice distraction. But the popcorn...oh, god, the smell...Don't get sick, don't get sick, don't get sick. Liam forced himself to focus on the movie, but before Liam knew it, he was falling asleep. So he thought, momentarily, just a few minutes, just to gain my energy.
Niall was unsure of when Liam fell asleep. In the movie, he was so engrossed that he overlooked Liam's soft snores until his head fell onto Niall's shoulder.
He was startled at first, and when he looked down, it took him a few seconds to process that Liam was indeed partially lying on him.
At that moment, it was like he wasn't even himself- as much of himself he could understand. He found his hand—with the tips of his fingers—trailing the side of Liam's perfect face. His skin was soft under his touch and then gruff as he slowly reached his chin.
Niall recalled Liam singing enthused to a playlist. He was goofing around, breaking an intangible silence. He moved, almost hypnotic, and goofy dance movies,
"Come on, Ni." He said mockingly, hip-thrusting the air dramatically before bringing his imaginary mic to his mouth. Nial choc\ked back laughter. Liam pointed at him, "Come on, sing it!"
Niall smiled, remembering that moment. He felt happy. Really happy. At that moment, he really believed that Liam was his home. As he looked at him now, Niall was confident Liam was faithful, his best friend. He also decided that he was going to try his best to remember. Niall wanted to know who Liam was. He wanted so badly to remember, believing desperately that Liam had the key to everything Niall was.
Liam stirred. Niall froze, frightened that Liam had woken in his embarrassing moment of weakness. What would Liam think of him then? But he didn't wake. Instead, he just simply snuggled his head deeper into his neck.
Niall didn't dare move. I focused on his breathing. He did his best to block out the unavoidable sensation of Liam's curls tickling his skin. He sat, watching the movie but not processing anything. But what really got under Niall's skin was the mumbles that left Liam's lips in his sleep. He talks in his sleep. Niall, fascinated, hyper-focused on listening intently to what was being said.
Niall found it much harder to pay attention. He sat there paralyzed, wanting the feeling in the pits of his stomach to fade but not wanting it to end. I am shameful... And he couldn't care less. He glanced down at Liam once more, seeing the glow of his sleeping state from the big screen. He transfixed Niall, pulled him in with a curiosity that Niall couldn't explain. So, Niall let be, pondered, and relaxed to the best of his ability.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
"Liam, you must try to eat."
He looked up at his mom. He hated seeing her so distressed, but he couldn't bear to even look at the soup she had in her hands.
"Please ma', I really just need to sleep okay? I'll eat after...I promise."
He was just so tired... He couldn't help it. Even after sleeping most of the time during the movie with Niall, he just wasn't able to keep his eyes open. It was like a dark cloud engulfed his head, and all he could focus on was hibernation.
She sighed, kissed the top of his head, mumbling an alright. And before leaving, she turned up the heat more.
He laid back down, but he couldn't even begin to sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, damn it!
There was an emptiness inside his stomach that he was unable to fill.
After the movie, Liam had awoken, his head on Niall's shoulder. But instead of being faced with Niall's teasing, goofy remarks, he was faced with a blank and silent Niall. He was scared of Niall's own silence and curt nod when Liam apologized. And to top it all off, Sydney was the icing on top of his death cake.
She spotted them as they were walking out of the movies. She ran up to Niall with a huge grin, flinging herself into his arms. He felt irritated, and of course, a bit jealous, but he had nothing to fear because she was one of the jerks who broke Niall's heart at some point back when. Niall was good-natured, and even though she broke his heart, quite literally, he still made small talk. The talk was usually short, impersonal, and polite.
Then he remembered that Niall couldn't even begin to remember Sydney when he hugged her back. First, the surprise expression on his face, and then that glint, god, Liam had thought, he's interested in her. Liam's heart sank so far down that it took all of what little energy he had to not slide to the ground in descending terror.
Niall talked to her gladly, pretending to know who she was. And when she finally left, he watched her go. Liam watched after Sydney, too, wondering how she could so unashamedly have friendly conversations with a boy she cheated on. Niall asked Liam who the cute brunette was, and Liam had flat out told Niall what had happened between Niall and Sydney. But it didn't stop Niall from staring in her direction soon after she was gone.
Liam hated her. And truth be told, he hated himself. Both Liam and Sydney couldn't amount to what Niall was in life, and Liam wholeheartedly believed this in every fibre of his being. So how could Liam even possibly begin to think that he had a chance with Niall? Niall was an angel to Liam's human soul. His guardian he couldn't ever touch. The King of Camelot while he a lowly peasant. The sun to this earthly world... Niall couldn't be his. It was like Liam was poison. From birth, he's been ailed with sickness. Niall was too good. Too good to be true to his life.
He had to let go. He had to for Niall.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Niall wasn't sure what to expect when he got called from his slumber. But his heart did unexpected flip-flops when he saw who was at the door. Sydney.
Sydney was a friendly wake-up call. Maybe she broke his heart, but that was the other person he was. He was new and redefined with a unique landscape. He had no experiences trailing behind him. And Sydney...she seemed great. Nice, pretty, cute, and worth a shot. Niall was willing to give it a second chance.
Yet despite the attraction, he felt towards her, there was something in the back of his mind, gnawing at him, begging him to admit how weak he was. If he refused to see his feelings fully, he would step aside and let Liam be. Liam deserved that much. Niall already felt like he betrayed Liam, that he let him down. Niall couldn't ignore their stares, the look. Anytime they mentioned stuff Niall didn't know about, they all became ashamed. The look of pity... Niall practically hated himself because of him. What if he never remembered? Everyone kept saying that he would remember, eventually, but would he?
Sydney was perfect timing. He needed her in a way that was lovely and shameful, which allowed him to forget that she, too, once betrayed him.
It had been a few days after Niall had seen Sydney at the theatres when he found a way to reach out. Despite Liam briefly telling him what had happened between them, he still reached out. They went for a coffee and spent a good few hours talking. He told her what happened, and at first, she went pale, and Niall thought, Oh no, she's going to tiptoe around me. But she didn't. Instead, she said, "I guess...that makes sense. You would have never reached out like you did. I suppose I'll tell you everything that happened with us." She did. Niall felt uncertainty while she spoke, but he saw the shame on her face, the winces as she said about how she cheated on him and how she broke it off. It wasn't until sometime after, as they spoke that he knew he didn't care. He continued to see, despite the look of shock and disgust that flashed before Liam's face when Niall told him. Sydney didn't treat him with uncertainty, she didn't have a look to her face when they spoke about the past, and she didn't wince if she caught herself forgetting that Niall couldn't remember; she just explained what happened. It was easy, it felt...easy.
So when Sydney woke him up, he made plans to see her again. Sydney walked close to him while walking the trail. It was cloudy out, downcast as usual. Admittedly, if he let himself forget that he was using Sydney to distract and cover his weak decision-making, it was nice to be with her. Almost exciting. All he had to do was just forget.
Their hands brushed together a few times, and they talked and talked...and talked. Then she went silent.
After a few stretched minutes, with a raised brow, he asked, "Why the silence?"
She gnawed at her bottom lip, and he found himself unable to look away. When she glanced at him, she stopped and took a breath. When she stopped suddenly, he knew something was wrong.
"Niall...I know we talked about things. About how it was between us... But, Niall, are you sure you want to be spending this much time with me? I mean, we weren't close anymore before you..." She trailed off, and he knew that she felt ashamed.
"I lost my memory Sydney, you can say it." He said, pushing back bitterness. Don't feel sorry now, Sydney. Just let me exist in this bubble.
She looked at him. "You really don't remember what we went through?"
He shook his head.
"Horan, I would feel much worse if I took advantage of that. I put you through hell. I was stupid. I mean, doesn't it say enough that you barely talked to me before? Liam, he wouldn't even acknowledge me after, one of the kindest boy I knew... I lost you both with what I did, and that should tell you everything."
His face was grave as he studied the piece of hair that was sticking to her neck. Niall grabbed her hand and tugged her gently closer, not too close, but close enough. His other hand moved that strand of hair that had been beckoning him, and he twirled it through his fingers.
"I want to know you again. I don't care about then, just now." He said, looking into her eyes when the last of his words left his lips. Sydney searched his face, and he found himself whispering, "All I know is that there's something here inside of me that wants to know you." Besides the other reason... that stupid little voice chimed in, echoing in his head.
She took a breath, and instinctively he knew he had her. He must have. He didn't understand why he thought he had her hooked. Niall knew with unshakable certainty that Sydney unconsciously surrendered herself to him. Maybe it was the way her eyes light green eyes widened and brightened. Or perhaps it was the slight parting of her lips or the blush in her cheeks, but he thought, this will work. "But Sydney Wilson?" Niall's voice sounded huskier than before.
"Yes?"
"You must promise me something."
She hesitated, and a twinge of fear blossomed inside him, but he ignored it. He missed it because he could. He ignored it because it was a selfish thing to demand. She nodded slowly.
"Whatever you did, what hurt me so badly...? Don't hurt me like that again."
Her bottom lip quivered, and Sydney leaned up and kissed the corner of his mouth and mumbled a soft "I promise."
With Sydney's promise and a soft brush of her lips on his, Niall felt like he crumbled more. Liam was out of his reach, which left an emptiness in him that felt a lot like loneliness, but this, he thinks selfishly, will work.
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