Harry's POV
"Shit, nice shot Mouse." Niall laughed as we watched Shawn and Liam take their turn skating toward the net, Teej coming to stand next to us in line.
We'd taken to holding our own practices at the frozen lake near campus since Teej was still suspended for a few more days and Tanner was taking his sweet time reinstating me. He'd given me some bullshit about how he'd made changes to the roster to accommodate my suspension and he needed time to sort it out, but I suspected he just wanted to enjoy a few more days with Lundy as Captain because he knew once I got back I'd be voicing my opinion about how he was destroying everything we had worked for.
I was pretty bummed about it, feeling like after everything that had happened I just needed to get back the one thing that made me feel normal, and in some ways I felt like it was all catching up with me and I was just mentally and physically exhausted. I knew I could probably have used the couple of days off to get my head straight and get some rest, but I hated sitting on the sidelines while I watched my teammates struggle. Tanner had made so many changes to the lineup and roster that all of the chemistry we once had among the lines, the familiarity of knowing who to look for across the ice or the style of play from your linemates, was gone. Everyone was just doing the best they could, but we were consistently dropping in the rankings, and if we didn't pick it up in the new year there would be no chance of getting back on top and our entire season would be a wash.
I was doing my best to be positive, not wanting the rest of the team to see just how worried I was about it, trying to lead them in a way where the impending failure of our season didn't worry them enough to affect their play. I was putting on a brave face for my teammates, but not playing was fucking killing me.
On the bright side, the pending charges against me had been dropped and my name cleared so I was at least allowed to move back into my room in the dorm, and that allowed me to spend time with my roommates and work out in the athletic building like everyone else. Still, things hadn't been the same for us so we took it to the lake to get some sense of normalcy amidst the chaos. People still had a bunch of questions about where I'd been, and keeping the whole investigation under wraps had been a group effort between myself and everyone who knew.
"You guys think we've got a chance tomorrow? Washington has one of the best defensive lines in the league right now and we're seriously fucked on first line offense." Liam asked as we took a water break.
"Well...we're gonna give it our best shot, but without Styles and Teej we've got way less chance of getting the goals we need, and Lundy will be front and centre to turn over the puck every chance he gets." Shawn said, shaking his head before he threw his head back and squirted water into his mouth. "It was bad enough losing Tommo, but now our entire first line is obliterated."
I looked over at Teej, who just hung her head as guilt took over her features, and I knew she'd been beating herself up for getting suspended. Everyone had reassured her time and time again that they weren't upset about it, but I knew she was feeling bad that she had let Lundy annoy her to the point where the rest of the team would suffer in her absence.
"We had it, you guys. We had the fucking cup in the bag, it was ours. We were set, and Tanner just strolls in here and took it from us. We're all working our assess off to keep up with the changes, but he keeps making them. Last game I forgot he'd swapped Mac out for Timmons and I passed it to the red cause that's where Mac always is, but Timmons was on the other side and I turned it over. Shit like that happens every game, we just do shit out of habit and end up losing." Rex said, his frustration obvious.
"We've got three more games until Christmas break, guys. We'll take the time to regroup, I'll talk to Tanner, just hang in there. We're not out of it yet." I said, doing my best to reassure them that we could fight our way back to the top.
"I still can't believe he's letting your suspension stand, what a bag of horseshit." Niall scoffed. "You didn't even do anything, you should have been immediately reinstated."
"It's just another one of his games. It's fine. I'll be back soon."
"Well let's hope with you and Teej back we can keep our heads above water, cause right now we're fucking drowning." Liam sighed.
I nodded as we finished up our break, going back to run some more drills for another hour or so, before we decided to head to the pub to grab some food. Rex had been spending quite a bit of time at our place and we all knew, although he'd never say it, tensions were high across the hall. He'd always been the odd man out over there when it came to opinions about Teej on the team, but he somehow always managed to stay neutral. He got along with everybody, but I knew his own frustrations were probably not making it easy to be over there.
I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to have Lundy for a roommate in the first place, let alone now that his head was swollen from being named Captain in my absence. Rex had always been a solid guy and a great hockey player, but he had the patience of a saint.
We made our way to the pub, finding a booth in the back big enough to fit us all, sliding in and opening up the menus as we all complained about how hungry we were. I looked around at them, the people who had essentially become my family over the past few months, and I couldn't help but smile to myself as I watched them laugh and joke with each other. I'd been through a lot of shit in my life, but the last few weeks had been extremely difficult and every one of them had my back. They'd all been there for me when I needed them, and I don't think I could have asked for a better group of people to have as teammates, and friends.
"You okay?" Teej asked quietly as she looked up at me from her seat beside me, watching me with that concerned look she'd had the past couple of days.
She knew how upset I was that I still wasn't playing, how much it had all been wearing on me, and she kept checking in on me as much as she could.
"Yeah, I'm good." I smiled, almost leaning down to kiss her but stopping myself when I remembered where we were.
I wasn't sure exactly how to approach my feelings for her in public, or what exactly our relationship was. Normally, when two people are in love with each other they generally enter an actual relationship, but things were complicated for Teej and I, and the last thing I wanted was to bring any more stress to her than she was already under. I knew that navigating a relationship would be something we had to work out as we went, but we hadn't actually talked about it. There had been too much going on, both of us just trying to stop reeling from everything that had happened, and we'd found ourselves in that place that we seemed to stay in, where we knew how we felt but weren't sure what it meant.
I was glad that it didn't make things overly awkward, that our normal routine seemed to allow us to spend time together and be close, because that's how we'd always been. I only ever really seemed to even think about it when we were in public and I had to fight a natural urge to be close or affectionate with her, but other than that it was business as usual. I think we both knew at some point we would have to have the conversation, and I wasn't sure how it would go.
Teej just smiled up at me and nodded, accepting my reassurance that I was alright, most likely because she knew I'd just tell her later if I wasn't. The concept of being okay was something that had become a lot more complex than it used to be, when being okay meant being happy or content, but recently it kind of felt like being okay just meant I was getting through the day alright, and I found myself wondering when that would change. I knew I had a lot of things to be grateful for, and a lot of exciting things were happening for me, but I think I was just so far removed from it after everything that had happened that I really just needed some time to refresh myself, to gain some perspective.
"I can't wait to get home for Christmas, I've had enough of this freezing cold weather." Niall said as he took a sip of his beer. "I don't know how you people live like this all the time."
"At least it's not raining." Shawn scoffed. "It never rains in California. Try living in Seattle. It's probably gonna piss the whole time I'm home."
"I'll be thinking about you on my morning surf in the sunshine." Niall smiled as he threw his arm around him. "What about you, Styles? You heading back to England?"
"Uh, yeah...I think so." I said, clearing my throat as I shifted in my seat. "I'm kinda still waiting to hear."
It had been another thing that was nagging at me a bit, since my parents seemed to be acting weird about me coming home. They were both highly organized people, and I knew they were desperate to see me for as long as possible, but they had yet to book my flight back to England. Christmas was coming, and they'd been telling me for months they couldn't wait until I was home for the holidays, but now they seemed to avoid the topic every time I brought it up, saying they'd let me know when my flight was soon. My dad kept saying he was trying to 'figure out' when the best time would be so he could pick me up, but I had a sinking suspicion that it was code for he was trying to come up with the money to get me on a plane.
My parents both worked hard, and we weren't poor by any means, but the last year had been a little hard on them financially with everything that had happened. My scholarship had paid my tuition and housing, but they were paying for most of my gear and anything else I'd needed while I was there. When I'd arrived after not playing for so long I knew I'd have to spend most of my free time training, and changing majors meant I'd be doing a lot of catch up with my studies, and they'd told me school came first and that they didn't want me to get a job until I was settled in. I planned to get one in the new year, but I felt like maybe they were struggling more than they wanted to tell me.
I knew Christmas was the most expensive time to travel, and I just found myself worrying that maybe things at home weren't going well or something and they just didn't want to worry me. Then I thought maybe it wasn't the money, maybe it was something else, and I'd just been trying to push it to the back of my mind so I didn't lose it worrying about them.
It was something I'd kept to myself, not wanting to whine to Teej about not going home for the holidays when I knew she was also worried about where she'd end up. Although I was desperate to get home and see my family, missing them more than I ever could have thought, I told myself that if I couldn't make it home it would be alright because maybe then I could make sure Teej wasn't alone either. I knew Louis and her brothers would make every effort to give her some kind of Christmas, but no matter what they did it would be a significant change from the years before and I just didn't want to bother her with my own worries about going home.
"I'm sure you'll sort it soon. Your parents are obsessed with you, there's no way they aren't making you go home." Liam smiled as he patted me on the shoulder.
I nodded as I took a sip of my beer, feeling TJ's worried gaze on me as I did my best to hide me apprehension on the subject, before the conversation continued and our food arrived.
"Oh, Teej that reminds me. I've got something for Tommo, can I give it to you to give to him?" Rex asked as he took a bite of his burger.
"Yeah, of course." She smiled.
"Me too, I got him the sickest hoodie." Niall added.
"Just give me whatever you've got. I'll get it to him." Teej laughed. "I'm not sure what we're even doing, but I'll make sure he gets it."
The noise at the table slowly quieted, and it was obvious everyone was hesitant to say anything to her about her whole family situation. Everyone knew the jist of what had happened with her Mom after Louis accident, that they were no longer on speaking terms, and they were all afraid to bring it up.
"I'm sure whatever you guys do will be dope. Can't have a bad time with Tommo around." Liam said encouragingly.
"True." Teej laughed lightly. "I'm sure it'll be good. Even if it's just the two of us and a pizza. Maybe I'll try my hand at making him a real Christmas dinner or something, who knows."
"Nothin like a kitchen fire or food poisoning on Christmas day." Shawn chuckled and she threw a french fry at him.
"Shut up."
We finished eating and paid our bills, making our way back to the dorms to shower and watch movies, before everyone eventually retired to their rooms. The boys had a game in the morning and we were coming into finals week, so Teej and I stayed up for a bit longer, laying on my bed quizzing each other before we went to sleep.
"How much is this test worth again?" I laughed as I contemplated just how much damage it would do if I failed it.
"30%." She smiled. "But you'll be fine. You know this stuff."
"Do I though?"
"Yes. As much as I hate to admit it, you've come pretty far. You actually pay attention now instead of doodling all through class." She laughed.
"I wouldn't call it paying attention...I mostly just stare at you, and then listen to you when you explain it so I can understand." I chuckled.
"Whatever gets the knowledge into your pretty little head." She yawned and I turned to check the clock, seeing it was almost midnight.
"On that note, it's cuddle time." I smiled as I gathered up our books and put them on my desk, crawling back into my bed and pulling her into me, gently kissing her head as we settled in.
"Cuddle time is the best time." She sighed, nuzzling her face into my neck.
"Agreed."
We laid in silence for a few minutes, both of us feeling sleep approaching as I gently ran my fingertips up and down her arm, but I knew I probably wouldn't be getting to sleep any time soon. I felt tired, exhausted even, and I always slept better when she was with me, but there was just too much stuff on my mind for sleep. I felt anxious, about so many things, that I just couldn't turn my brain off. I needed to play hockey, to sort my head out, and without it things had just built up.
I was worried about my family, my team, whoever it was that attacked Brielle. I was still dealing with the other things that usually kept me up, but I just hadn't been able to sort through them and without being able to play I just felt it all compounding. I needed to get back on the ice as soon as possible, if only for my own sanity.
"Hey..." Teej said, reaching up and putting her hand on the side of my face, breaking me from my thoughts.
I looked down at her, surprised since I figured she'd been sleeping for a while, seeing that familiar look in her eyes reminding me that she knew me too well.
"You should be sleeping." I said, taking her hand from my face and kissing it.
"So should you." She said sleepily. "What is it?"
"Just a lot on my mind, I guess. I just need to get back on the ice." I sighed. "You know how it is when you don't play and your brain just gets all jumbled."
"Sure do." She laughed lightly. "But if it makes you feel better, you'll probably be playing before I will."
"I'm sorry, you're the last person I should be complaining to." I said, feeling guilty.
"Harry, you should never have been suspended at all. At least I got to punch Lundy, dare I say it was almost worth it." She chuckled. "But you didn't do anything. I'm being punished for something I actually did, you've had it taken away for no reason. It's not fair and you should be pissed about it."
"I know, it's just with everything going on I've really needed it."
"I know, and I'm sorry you haven't had it." She sighed, trailing her fingers up and down my stomach. "On the bright side, we've been able to hang out and watch Tanner tank our season on TV without having to be there in person."
"Yeah well, that's gonna change in the new year. This shit will not continue, not on my watch." I said through gritted teeth.
"It's kinda hot when you get all angry Captain gonna save the world." She smiled up at me.
"Yeah?" I said, quirking my eyebrow.
"Yeah." She said as she leaned up and kissed me, letting her lips linger against mine before she pulled away.
I looked down at her as I ran my fingers through her hair, pushing it back off her face before I ran the back of my hand along her cheek.
"I wanted to kiss you earlier at the pub, it was killing me." I said softly.
"Why didn't you?" She asked curiously as she played with the fingers of my hand resting on my stomach, avoiding my gaze.
"Because I didn't know if you'd want me to." I said, watching her carefully. "I didn't know if that's...something we do."
"Do you want it to be?"
She still wouldn't look at me, distracting herself as she fiddled with our hands, obviously worried about what I might say.
"Teej...I'd kiss you if the entire world was watching. I love you, I'm not embarrassed by that." I sighed. "But I know things are hard for you, and I don't want to make them any harder. If you wanna keep this to ourselves, I'm okay with that."
"What exactly are we keeping though? I mean...what is this?" She asked, still purposely refusing to look up at me.
"Can you at least look at me when we talk about this?" I chuckled.
"I'm...this is hard for me." She said, hesitantly shifting her eyes toward me. "I don't...really know how to do this, or how it works. I've never been in this situation before."
"That makes two of us."
"I mean, I'm trying to change, to not worry about what everyone will say about me or how they'll twist it...but I also don't wanna put this as the top news story for the next year either. Part of me wants to say fuck it and just live my life without worrying about it, but the other part of me wants to just stay here with you and keep it to ourselves. I know that's not really an answer...but I hope it makes some kind of sense?" She said, furrowing her brow like she was thinking out loud.
"It does make sense, babe. I know this is all really confusing, and you've got a lot on your plate. I don't wanna pressure you, and I know this could get complicated as far as the team is concerned. It could bring about an array of shit that I know neither of us want. I feel torn too, part of me just wants to announce to the world how fucking dope you are, and the other part of me wants to keep you all to myself." I said, lacing our fingers together to stop her from fidgeting.
"So what do we do?" She laughed lightly, neither of us offering much solution.
"Well...there's a lot going on right now. I mean, I don't think I'll ever actually comment on it in the media or make some big announcement, but I also don't wanna have to worry about whether or not I can hold your hand in public or kiss you when I want to. I think we just kinda keep it to ourselves for now, and when you're ready we can just act normal. For now, I'm here and not going anywhere. I'll be whatever you want or need me to be, whatever you're comfortable with."
"I mean, you're pretty annoying so maybe I'll just scrap the whole thing." She laughed. "Go back to my room, life was much simpler before you."
"Yes, but so much less exciting." I smiled. "Besides, you can't take it back now, you've already admitted you love me."
"It was a moment of weakness."
"Multiple moments."
"Harry."
"TJ."
"Shut up."
"Make me."
Before I could say anything else she launched herself toward me, crashing her lips into mine as she moved to straddle my waist, smiling against my mouth.
"Stop smiling." I muttered against her, bringing my hand up to the back of her head. "You're making this difficult."
"Apparently I make a lot of things difficult." She laughed as she pulled away to look at me.
"Truer words have never been spoken." I smiled up at her.
I watched as she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, suddenly looking nervous as a seriousness settled over us, and I knew she had something on her mind.
"What's up?" I asked, resting my hands on her thighs as she sat on top of me.
"I don't wanna say, it sounds so stupid." She said, turning slightly pink in an utterly adorable way at the thought of whatever it was.
"Well it can't be any stupider than when you put your phone in the fridge the other day." I laughed as she swatted at me and I grabbed her hands.
"I was tired, okay." She defended.
"I know." I said softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Just tell me, you can tell me anything."
I watched as she closed her eyes, rolling off me and laying flat on her back, staring at the ceiling as she sighed. I rolled over onto my side, propping my head up with my hand as I leaned on my elbow, waiting for her to say what was on her mind.
"Can you not look at me when I say this?" She asked, and I couldn't help but laugh. "Stop it."
She whined as I rolled over onto my back, placing my hands on my stomach, a large dopey grin on my face as I tried not to laugh.
"Okay, I'm not looking at you." I said, trying to swallow my amusement so I didn't embarrass her any further. "Tell me."
I could feel the tension radiating off her, her hesitance at whatever she was about to say obvious, before she took a deep breath and sighed.
"I just...wanted to know..." She started, pausing before she finally spat it out. "Is this...like, are you...my boyfriend?"
I couldn't stop the smile that crossed my face, not only at the idea that she was asking me that, but at the fact that she was literally humiliated to say it out loud. I took a few seconds to gather myself, letting the question hover in the air around us, before I decided to put her out of her misery.
"Can I look at you now?" I asked.
"No." She whined. "I don't know if you can ever look at me again. I'm so pathetic."
"Teej, stop." I laughed, rolling back onto my side to look at her, seeing her eyes were closed. "Look at me."
"I can't." She laughed lightly.
"Look at me, you idiot." I chuckled, reaching over and turning her head toward me. "Open your eyes."
I laughed to myself as she slowly opened one eye, squinting like someone had just turned on a bright light, her whole face scrunching up as she hesitantly looked up at me. I gave her a minute to adjust, before she slowly and sheepishly met my gaze.
"Do you want me to be?" I asked, running my fingertips across her cheek. "I told you, I'll be whatever you need."
"Do...you want to be?"
"I forgot you're the most oblivious human alive." I laughed. "Well, since you haven't noticed, I've been obsessed with you since I got here, and in love with you for what actually feels like forever, so for someone worried about sounding stupid that's a pretty dumb question."
"I actually hate you." She said as she went to sit up and I pulled her back down.
"No you don't." I smiled.
"Please stop busting my balls, you know how hard this is for me." She whined as she threw herself back into the mattress.
"Okay, you're right. I'm sorry." I chuckled, unable to hide my amusement. "I'll stop teasing you."
She took a deep breath and exhaled, a silence hovering over us as I watched her, still baffled by how she could possibly not know that I'd wanted to be with her pretty much since the day I met her. It drove me insane, but it was also the cutest thing I'd ever seen.
"Teej." I said, breaking the silence as she sighed and looked over at me.
"Yes?" She asked, obviously waiting for me to say something annoying.
"Will you be my girlfriend?" I smiled, watching as the expression on her face shifted into something that looked an awful lot like surprise.
"Really?" She asked, barely above a whisper, almost like it just fell out of her mouth.
"You are the most ridiculous person I've ever met. Yes, really." I laughed. "I love you, Spaz. Be my girlfriend."
"So romantic." She laughed.
"Is that a yes?"
"How could a girl say no to that?"
"I've been told I am quite charming." I smirked, slowly pulling her towards me.
"And so modest."
"Always." I smiled as I leaned down and kissed her.