July 2011 | P A S T | Comes To The Light
"Thank God you were able to apply for that annulment before things got serious. I cannot believe that bastard actually did that to you."
Kellie said to me as she came to my rescue with a cup filled with chicken broth. I shook my head, denying the offer and gently pushed her hand with the cup away and looked out of my living room window. She sucked her teeth and rested her free hand onto my side to assure me that she was now here with me and everything was going to be alright. Part of me believed her, but I just couldn't help the ailing ache in the pit of my stomach that was telling me otherwise.
"Val, you've got to consume something. You haven't eaten in days. It's not healthy for you and the baby." She spoke on, reminding me of what I didn't want to remember.
Charlie's birthday was in a week and as much as it was killing me inside, I was going to wait until his birthday to surprise him. We were having a baby and I was two months in. So much for surprises, huh? I wanted to gather everyone here at the house for his surprise birthday party and make the announcement then. I'd even refrained from telling my family, including Monice. Kellie was the only one who'd known. I sort of thought that although Monice got on my nerves sometimes, she'd be just as excited as Charlie on that day. I was even going to ask Monice to be my Maid of Honor, despite Kellie being my best friend, even though I knew that she wasn't ready to take on the responsibility. Kellie had even agreed to it.
"Think about my niece or nephew in your stomach, please? You're no longer fending for yourself." She said to me before pushing the cup into my face.
I rolled my eyes with a heavy sigh, knowing that she was right, before taking the cup into my hand and smelling it.
This entire issue made it hard for me to keep anything down. It made me more stubborn and bitter than anything in the world. The fact that Charlie hadn't even tried to reach out to me made things even worse. I hadn't even spoken to Monice since last week and I wasn't even sure if our parents knew about what was going on being that I'd been trying to avoid them, only talking to them through Kellie. I knew that sooner or later, I was going to have to face them and I was most definitely telling them what Monice was up to with my husband.
"I'm unsure as of what to do now, Kelz" I say, shaking my head before taking a sip of the warm broth. It was obvious that she'd added some extra seasoning and I liked it.
"Continue with what you were doing, only this time, without Charlie. You don't need Charlie for shit. Isn't that what you told me about Tyrone?" She rubbed my shoulder. "All you need is a good friend to lean on and that's me. I'll be here with you every step of the way."
Kellie and I have been best friends since we were 12 and the fact that she'd never switched up on me and has been hanging in here with me for 18 years, being as loyal as she can be, made me appreciate her so much. Not once has she ever given me a reason not to trust her with every bone in my body. She's always been here by my side and I've always been here for her, no matter what. Despite how much we've been here for one another, I was always the strong friend that she could depend on. I was always the one with all of the answers and could find many different ways to cheer her up without really trying so hard. It was never really her consoling me as much mainly because I never really needed much consoling. I wasn't sure if it was just the pregnancy or the fact that me being in love for the first time really broke me down or what, but it just felt so bizarre to me. It just made me want to put a fake smile on and pretend that everything was okay although I knew that it wasn't and it probably never will be. I just needed to find a way to deal with Monice.
"I'm willing to spend however many nights that you need me to. I brought an overnight bag and everything with me. Auntie Kellie is here for the rescue, my dear." She smiled, touching my stomach through my ripped blue sweatshirt.
I playfully rolled my eyes and pushed her hand away.
"I'm like two seconds pregnant and you're already touching on my stomach." I joked, making her laugh.
Just as I started to laugh right along with her, I stopped to the noise coming from the door. Looking towards the door, I laid my eyes on Charlie. It was at that moment that I'd wished that I hadn't.
I let out a forced deep breath and shook my head, rolling my eyes.
"I just came to pick up some of my things, if that's alright." He said, sounding as if he were exhausted. And he probably was. He'd been living in a co-worker's garage from what he'd told Kellie a couple days ago.
Instead of him heading towards the back to the room that we once shared to get his things, he just stood there at the door with this anxious expression that filled the entire room. He wanted to talk and this was his way of expressing that to Kellie without him really having to say anything. I knew as much as she wanted to stay in the room to hear what he had to say, she also knew that I would fill her in so she didn't hesitate to stand up and take her exit out of the room and onto the inside patio where Charlie and Monice were caught.
"I got the annulment papers." He spoke up once the patio door shut. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?"
"Tuh..." I roll my eyes, looking away from him, gripping my cup of broth tight enough to bend the cup out of shape if it were plastic.
"Look, I know I've hurt you and I want to really apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. I am very sorry for hurting you. Falling into the arms of Monice wasn't my intentions at all, Val, I swear. Things just happened and it all happened too fast." He tried to explain.
I wasn't sure if this were his way of convincing me that he loved me so much and wanted to make things work or if he was trying to inform me that he was running off with Monice and I should accept it. It all just sounded so wrong, regardless. I just couldn't help but hate the fact that his apology didn't sound much like an apology but instead a heartless confession.
"But just let me express to you that whatever I can do to fix this, babe, I want to do just that. I want to fix this. I want to fix us. I have to. It's very important to me that I do. I love you so much and I am in love with you, Valencia. I cannot say goodbye."
"Well, you have to, Charleston." I speak up to my defense.
"But, I –"
"No buts, Charleston!" I shouted out of frustration. "It wasn't like you cheated on me with just some random chick at the bar. You actually had an entire affair with my little sister and for I don't even know how long!"
He looked down as if he were desperate for a resolution.
"This is my sister, Charlie! Monice! She's 18 years old!" I shouted. "She's my family and you do this to me knowing how much it would crush my heart, my soul, my spirit. And you didn't stop for one second to think about it. You didn't stop to sit and wonder if that entire affair was wrong. You just did it and kept doing it, coming up with lies to keep her where you wanted her. All for what? What? Because I'm not fun enough for you? Because I don't like to go out to clubs and party all of the time. What? Because, I don't make you feel younger? Because I'm 30? You're having a midlife crisis and so my 18 year old sister was your way to go, huh?" I cried.
"Babe, I'm so sorry." He cried as he walked over towards me.
"Don't bring your ass over here unless you want this cup all over you." I threaten him, not even wanting him anywhere near me. "What you've done was tear up a family with your shenanigans and despite knowing just what it was that you may have wanted from Monice, our relationship may never get back to how it used to be." I shake my head. "And I hope you're happy about what you two have done to me because not only will she NOT be able to have you, I don't even want you." I say with arrogance.
He looked me in my eyes with pain and hurt as he took what seemed like a clinging breath that hurt too much to take. He knew what he'd done was wrong and I wanted him to suffer the consequences. I didn't know what he thought I'd do, but taking him back was far away from the option. Things were just too close to home and I'd never be able to trust him ever again.
"So, you're willing to just throw away our marriage?" He tried to guilt me.
"Well, why not? You threw away our relationship first." I say, matter-of-factly.
He looked defeated right then and there just as the room had gone silent.
The room was silent for a long minute before I took another sip of the chicken broth that was just a few more sips away from being cold.
"Well, Val...if this is what you want then I'm going to have to migrate back to Barbados to be with my mother." He told me. "My time is up in another year and..." He paused. "I'm just really going to miss you, Valencia. Everything about you." He shook his head, looking more than sorry. But I didn't care.
To be honest, despite all of this, I honestly felt sorry for him.
He had no one here in the U.S. and he was depending on co-workers as if they were family. The only family he did have was his mother, older sister and younger brother back in Barbados that he was trying so hard to get here. His sister was the closest to getting acceptance. But it wasn't my fault that he made bad decisions that ended up with him suffering. That wasn't to be blamed on me. I'd given him a roof over his head and a very good relationship. I loved him so much to the point where, at times, it was draining the life out of me. But I wanted to make it work because I actually loved him. I also never thought he'd turn back around and hurt me so bad. I at least thought he'd have the decency to leave me first.
"Despite this mess up, Charleston, I still do actually love you and I want nothing more than to forgive you, but I can't. I can never find it in me to do as such right now. The only thing I ask you for is time." I explain to him sincerely. "And the best thing that's come out of this is our child." I admit to him.
He looked up at me as if I'd confused him.
"What?" He said in disbelief. "You're..." he paused, "you're having a baby?"
I nodded, almost regretfully.
That's when his disbelief turned into grief.
"I could never..." he mumbled.
I didn't bother to say anything. Instead, I just watched his reaction, curiously.
"I could never leave my child and go back to Barbados. That would be very impossible. I just can't." He shook his head. "What am I supposed to do now?" He said, looking up to me for the answers.
"I don't know, Charleston." I say.
"I'll only be able to be here for a short part of their life." He said in a very penitent tone. "My God."
I could tell that he was now reaping the benefits of a cheating spouse who'd just been torn apart from the rooter to the tooter. And as much as it pained me to sit there and see him unfold like that right in front of me, I'd be lying if I said that it didn't feel good to watch.
His green card was expiring in two years and despite us having a baby together, I couldn't say that I could do anything to help him because I couldn't. Fathering a child wasn't going to help him in any way possible. It just bothered me the most that I didn't quite think about all of this on my part. But I assumed that we'd be married by then and he would be able to stay. I was wrong. And because of that, my child was going to have to suffer. I refuse to spend my life pretending as if everything was okay, holding on to a broken marriage all because he didn't want to be kicked out of the U.S.. That was NOT my responsibility and never will be for the rest of my life. He should've thought about that.
"I wish you the best, Charleston." I say to him before standing from my sofa, being careful not to waste my cup in the process.
Once I'd stood to my feet, I slid my feet into my house slippers and walked towards the patio door, not bothering to turn around to give him a onceover. Instead, I just opened the door and joined my best friend at the table, trying to keep myself together.
As much as it pained me to see him go, it felt better to know that I'd had the last word with him and that he knew that there was no possibility of him and I ever being anything again. And maybe I should've taken his age into consideration, but wasn't that much younger than me. He seemed as if his life was altogether and I believed that because of what he'd shown me. Being that he was younger, I allowed for him and my little sister to create an unbreakable bond because I thought that it was the right thing to do.
Never would I have ever thought that my own little sister would cross me in the most hurtful way. I just assumed that the time that they were spending together was innocent brother/sister time. And maybe I trust too easily, but I knew that deep down inside of me, I'll forgive the both of them and I'd give Monice a chance to redeem herself.
It just wasn't going to be today.