"Momoko" ...
It's what he called me when no one else was around.
In our native language of the Tenka region, it means "peach blossom child". He gave me that name the first time he saw me.
"Kou-gyo-ku is too hard to remember," he had said, struggling with my given name's pronounciation. "I'm just gonna call you Momoko instead."
It can't have been coincidence, that the two of us little children had been sitting in the grove of peach trees in the imperial palace garden on that breezy spring morning. The pink petals of the virgin peach blossoms danced in the wind all around us. He liked to pluck the petals off the branches he would snap off the trees and then toss them into the wind to watch them fly.
I had been upset at first, not understanding what the name meant.
"No no no! It's Kougyoku! I'm a princess you know! You have to say it right!"
He burst into a fit of laughter. From then on, I'd always know that laugh of his. He'd clutch his stomach and he'd laugh and laugh, and he'd dry the beads of tears from the corners of his eyes with the sleeve of his priest's robe.
My face reddened and screwed up with a sniffle. He stopped laughing, but still sported that smirk of his.
"Okay then, how about Momoko-hime?"
Peach blossom princess.
He told me what it was those words meant, as he plucked a flower from the branch and put it in my hair ornament. I forgot all about wanting to cry.
"There, see? I think it suits you."
He tousled my hair, and my face got hot. I hid the redness of my cheeks behind my sleeves.
"W-well...what's your name?"
The smile faded from his lips. His eyes darkened.
"I don't know."
"Huh? What do you mean you don't know? You have to have a name, right?"
"Yeah...I have one. But it's not my real name. It's just what all those old guys and that witch call me."
"What is it then? Tell me, tell me!"
He didn't get to tell me himself.
"So this is where you've been, Judar?"
Empress Gyokuen and her court magicians had found us. She smiled sweetly at us, and then she knelt down next to him and patted his head.
"How nice of you to play with the princess. Such a good little boy you are."
Despite her praise, his face was lined with a scowl. Then she grasped his hand and dragged him away.
"I'm afraid playtime is over now. You've got magic lessons all day today."
He didn't turn his gaze from me as they pulled him away. There was a plea in his eyes that I'll never forget. It was the same expression I saw every time I held a mirror to my face.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
"Wait!"
Stumbling over the hem of my robes as I clambered to my feet, I ran after him. I grasped onto his other hand.
"I'm gonna call you Judar-nii!" I declared fervently.
He froze like a startled fawn.
"It's because you live here in the palace with us...with me and my brothers and sisters. So you're family now!"
He was speechless. His cheeks flushed a little pink. Pink as the peach blossoms.
"How darling." Gyokuen remarked. I can still remember the pinprick of venom behind the honey of her voice as she wrenched Judar out of my grasp.
"Come along now." She said as she lifted him up and stuffed him into a palanquin, carrying him out of my sight.
After that day, I made it a routine to visit the garden and the peach tree saplings. I'd roll in the dewy bed of fallen petals in the mornings, I'd sit in the shade and sew my dolls' clothes in the afternoon, and I'd watch the flowers drift into the moonlit aqueducts at night.
Whenever I could manage to escape my attendant, that's where I would go. And I would wait. Many times, too many to count, he was never there. But still I waited.
I was starting to think that I wouldn't see him at all anymore. That somehow we had done something wrong by being near each other, and they had decided to hide him away from me. All the flowers had fallen from the trees, and the foliage was starting to fade from green to gold. The wind nipped at my fingers and nose. I had buried my face into my sleeves and curled up under the tree with my doll.
"You're really weird, you know? Coming to this spot all the time."
I looked up just as he flopped down under the tree next to me. I lit up brighter than the flickering evening lanterns.
"Hi, Judar-nii!"
"Geez, what are you getting all excited for? Were you waiting for me all day or something?"
"Uh...w-well I ―"
He snickered. "You were, weren't you? Haha, oh man! All those brothers and sisters, but nobody wants to play with a dumb little brat like you, eh Momoko?"
"Wh-what?! How rude! I waited all this time to play with you again and you say a thing like that to me?"
My eyes burned with tears. "Never mind then. I'll just go back to my room.'
"Uh—hey! Wait!"
I started to leave when he grabbed my hand. I looked back and he seemed slightly ashamed.
"Er...I was just kidding, you know? Lighten up."
I pouted.
He rubbed the back of his head.
"Oh, I know! Wanna see something cool?"
He withdrew a wand tipped with a red crystal from his sash and pointed at the tree. Suddenly there was a rush of cold air, and I hid my face in my sleeves. When the wind stopped and I looked up again, the gold leaves glittered with frost.
'Wow...pretty!"
He chuckled, pleased with himself. "Those magic lessons with that old granny might be boring, but I'm learning to do all kinds of cool stuff! Check this out..."
He trotted over to the bridge and I followed. With another wave of his wand, the water in the aqueduct turned into crystals of ice. Soon enough the whole aqueduct had frozen, and the leaves that fell rested neatly on the ice.
I giggled and clapped my hands. "Wow Judar-nii, that's amazing! Can you teach me to do tricks like that?"
"What? No way, you can't be a magician."
"Aww, why not?"
"Well, your rukh are just like a normal person's after all. You can only do magic if you're born a magician."
"What's a rukh?"
"Oh right, it's invisible to normal people. Well, it's easier if I just show you."
He raised his wand and it coalesced with a dazzling white light, and all around him I saw little white birds made of light. Just as the rukh were so enamored with him, I couldn't help but be captivated by this radiant person.
"Wow, so a magician gets to play with all these little birds?"
He puffed up his chest and put his hands on his hips. "Yep! And that's not all. I'm one of the strongest magicians in the whole world. Granny said there's only two other people who are just like me. But you know what? I'm gonna be even stronger than they are!"
He floated up to the railing of the bridge, triumphantly holding aloft his wand.
"I'm the great Magi, Judar! Sorcerer of creation and crowner of kings!"
I laughed and cheered for him as he grandstanded in the rays of moonlight, forgetting not to draw the attention of our elders to us. This time it was me who was dragged away.
"There you are princess! I've been looking everywhere for you!"
My attendant, Ka Kobun, practically tripped over himself as he rushed up behind me.
"What are you doing out of your bed at this hour? And monkeying around with this unruly little rascal at that! My word, just look how dirty you are, were you sleeping on the ground again? How many times have I told you―"
Suddenly, Kobun howled as Judar hopped off the railing onto his toes.
"Hey, old geezer. Shut up, will you? We were just playing."
"Why you snot-nosed little urchin!" Kobun shouted as he swiped at Judar with his fan. Judar just hopped out of the way and floated up to a rooftop, laughing and blowing raspberries.
Defeated, Kobun scooped me up in his arms and hoisted me over his shoulder. "It's bedtime now, princess."
Judar followed after me in the air. "Hey, Momoko-hime! Wait for me again tomorrow, okay?"
I ignored Kobun chiding me about not concerning myself with an ornery runt, and I waved back to him.
"G'night Judar-nii!"
I was pleasantly surprised when he actually came to meet me the next day. He also brought me a gift.
At first I wasn't sure he was going to come, what with the way the falling red sun splashed the sky with the pink and gold of our peach trees. Then I heard rustling in the branches, and something round fell onto my lap.
"Hey, Momoko-hime. I got you a treat."
I looked up to see him tangled in the branches, happily nibbling on an orange-pink fruit. The same fruit he had dropped into my lap.
I held the plump fruit in my tiny hands, fascinated with its fuzzy skin. I rubbed it against my cheek.
"What are you doing, you weird girl? Just eat it."
"But I've never seen this before...it's so nice and soft. What is it?"
"Huh? You mean you've never had a peach before? We eat peaches all the time for dessert in the palace. Maybe you've never had a whole one. I bet that old geezer that takes care of you cuts them up so you won't chip your baby teeth on the pit. Hahaha!"
My lip quivered as he teased me again. "Don't you still have your baby teeth? You're not that much older than me."
"I am too. Look, I already lost a bunch of mine."
He stretched out his lips with his fingers to show me all the gaps in his teeth, beaming with a wide grin.
I laughed.
"What's so funny?" He growled.
"Your face!" I giggled.
Apparently he didn't like the taste of his own medicine. He flicked his wand at me and a gust of air knocked me onto my bottom, blowing leaves all over my clothes and in my hair.
I fumed and got back to my feet as he cackled at me. I picked up a fallen branch and waved it menacingly.
"Why don't you come down here, then? I bet you're not so tough without your fancy wand!"
"No way. Why don't you come up here? If you can that is."
My cheeks burned and my eyes stung. He never failed to get a rise out of me. I unhappily admitted defeat and tossed the stick against the tree trunk, clenching my fists.
"I don't know how to climb. And that's too high." I whined.
He sniggered uncontrollably. "I knew it. You're just a baby after all. Well little baby Momoko, if you ask nicely I might help you up here. It'll be harder for the adults to find us if we hide in the branches."
I pouted, but I conceited to him. "Um...can you please help me come up there?"
He feigned consideration. "Weeeeell, I dunno. You were kinda rude just now."
"Ah! No fair, you started it! You're always teasing me! Maybe I'll just leave after all!"
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Now hold still, I've never done this before."
He pointed his wand at me and I began to feel tingly and light. Then my feet left the ground and I was floating like he did the day before. I was frightened and elated at the same time. He lifted me into the branches and I grasped hold of the nearest limb. With a little effort, I was able to sit astride the tree limb.
"Aww, I forgot my peach."
With another flick of his wand, the peach floated up to me.
"Th-thank you, Judar-nii!"
"Whatever. Eat your peach already."
I bit into the luscious yellow fruit, giggling softly as the fuzzy skin tickled my tongue and the juices dribbled onto my chin.
He seemed pleased while he watched me devour my treat.
For the remainder of the evening, we lounged in the tree and talked about all the silly little things that children tend to talk about. But as the moon climbed into the starry sky, there's part of the conversation that stuck with me.
"Hey, Momoko-hime. I wonder how I'm supposed to choose a king."
I had no idea what any of it meant at the time. I simply listened to him lament.
'The old guys and the witch say that I'm supposed to guide kings and reshape the world. They say that I'm going to make Kou into the greatest nation the world's ever seen. I dunno how I'm supposed to be able to do any of that. I'm not even sure I really want to."
He had been so proud the day before, now he looked as though he just wanted to disappear.
"Well...maybe I can help. Kobun says that since I'm a princess, I'm gonna have to learn a lot and work really hard so I can serve my country when I'm all grown up. Maybe we can just be friends and help each other do whatever it is we're supposed to do."
I think it was then that I saw the first and last real smile to ever grace his face. It was the smile of a child who, like I, had known great sadness, but had yet to know anything like anger or hatred.
"Hey, so you like peaches right? They're my favorite."
"Yeah! Peaches are wonderful!"
"Did you know they come from these trees?"
"Huh? But these trees are kinda small. I've never seen fruit growing on them."
"Well, not yet. They're not big enough. The Empress had them planted in this garden for me. She says when they get bigger, the flowers will turn into fruit."
"Wow, really?"
"Yeah, so when we grow up, the trees will grow up with us, and then we can have all the peaches we want."
I almost couldn't sleep that night, as it was with most nights after I saw him. I felt like I had all those little birds fluttering around inside me. My head was filled with misty fantasies of us growing alongside the peach saplings, dancing and laughing and just being near. Never being alone. Was this what they called friendship?
Call it the naivete of a little girl, but I truly believed it would never change. When you're small, time seems so much longer. Even as you grow, it seems like your world just stays the same. You can't even fathom being anywhere other than right where you are, and you can't imagine things like your mother and father becoming old and grey.
But then as I watched the seasons change, I would see him change as well. Just as one can do nothing to keep the cold from stripping the trees bare, I too was powerless in the face of his metamorphosis.
I discovered this one fateful night when the garden was blanketed with fresh snowfall.
"You dumb girl. You'll catch your death out here."
His gaze had darkened as much as the cloud covered sky. His words had the bite of the wind's chill.
"If you keep waiting out here for me, your toes and fingers will turn black and fall off. Just go inside and forget about me. I don't have time to deal with little kids."
Hot tears eased the numbness of my cheeks.
'B-but I...I waited so long again. I wanted to―"
"I said forget it. Just leave already. Don't come around here anymore. I won't be here."
My throat tightened, but I bit my lip. I fought the urge to sob. I dug my fingernails into my palms. I stood up and met his cold gaze with the fire in mine.
"You're here right now."
"So? I had to tell you. Otherwise you'd just keep sitting out here like the stupid little girl you are."
"I'm not stupid. I just wanted to see you."
"Well, forget about it already!"
"No! You're my friend, aren't you?"
"No, I'm not!"
"You're lying!"
"Shut up! What do you know? You don't know anything!"
I flung myself around his waist and buried my face into his chest.
"Stop it! Stop it, Judar-nii! I don't care how mean you are! Y-you're family, remember? You'll always...you'll always be..."
I couldn't help it. I soaked his robe with my sobs.
He grasped my shoulders, crinkling the sleeves of my robe in his fists.
"You don't understand. I can't. I just...c-can't―"
I looked up, astonished to see his expression mirroring mine. His chin quivering, his teeth clenched, his eyes red and puffy.
A strange blackness leaked from his eyes, smearing down his face, dripping dark spots into the snow.
"Judar-nii? What's wrong with your eyes? There's black stuff on them."
"What? Oh..."
He brushed his face with his sleeve. The blackness left a smudge on his robe.
"It's called kohl...some kind of makeup. It's from Heliohapt, and they make it using minerals from the Dark Continent. The witch started painting it on my eyes. She says it'll help me see the world the way it's supposed to look, or something weird like that. I don't get it."
He sniffled and finished drying his face. I had stopped crying, but there were still tears rolling down my cheeks. I stared at him in an emotionally drained stupor.
"Er, well...it looks kinda cool though, doesn't it? Bleeeghh!"
I shrieked as he threw up his hands and stuck out his tongue. His streaked makeup gave him a scary face. I ran and he chased me around the trees, making growls and ugly faces like an ogre. I pretended to be scared but I couldn't stop myself from laughing.
"Got you!"
I yelped as he crashed into me and we rolled in the snow, laughing hysterically. We caught our breath and sat up, clutching our sore stomachs and rubbing at our runny noses with our sleeves.
I was relieved to have re-awakened the part of him I knew to be real.
"Aww man...that old hag's gonna be mad at me when she sees I've ruined my makeup."
He stood up and brushed the snow off his robe.
"I should probably go before they find us again."
"Hey, Judar-nii...did you really mean what you said? You don't want to be my friend anymore?"
He sighed. "I don't know...it's complicated, alright? I don't really have time to explain everything, and you probably wouldn't understand anyhow. Look, I'm not gonna tell you not to wait here for me. You can do whatever you want. Just know that you probably won't see me for a long time."
"But it always takes a long time to see you. I don't mind. I'm used to being by myself."
He cast his gaze aside and ran his fingers through his hair. "No, I mean a really long time. I'm supposed to be leaving the country soon. So if you're just sitting here waiting all the time, you'll catch a cold."
"You're leaving? Wh-why?"
"It's not like I want to. They're taking me away. I'm almost finished with my magic training, and then I'm gonna have to travel around the world to begin my work as a Magi. They said I have to start making the dungeons appear. Like I'm supposed to know what that means..."
Then suddenly he was startled, as if he'd been disturbed by something.
"Come on!"
He took my hand and pulled me to my feet, tugging me along as we ran towards the far end of the garden. We took cover in a thick growth of bamboo. He held a finger to his lips and pointed to the walkway, where two of the veiled court magicians were currently searching for us.
"Judar-nii," I whispered, "why are they always trying to keep us away from each other? Is it bad that we're friends?"
"It's because us kids being friends isn't on their agenda. They don't want anything distracting me or getting in the way of what they want me to do. Me, you, your brothers and sisters, we're all being groomed for some great purpose, and we don't get a say in any of it."
He grasped me about the shoulders and pulled me close to whisper into my ear.
"Listen to me Momoko...Kougyoku...whatever you do, don't go near those people wearing the veils. Don't go near Empress Gyokuen if you can help it either. Keep close to your family. Stay close to Ka Kobun. He may be a pain, but he cares about you and he'll keep you safe. Do you understand?"
I didn't understand. "Are they bad people?"
"Do you remember that big fire? The one that killed Hakuyuu and Hakuren? The one that hurt Hakuryuu so badly that he's still not healed? It wasn't an accident, Kougyoku. They're very dangerous people. They're trying to do something awful here in this country. I just don't know what it is. Even as close as I am to them, they keep me in the dark the most.
My heart pounded with unease. "What's going to happen to you, Judar-nii? You sound so scared...you're scaring me."
"...I don't know. This will probably be the last time we'll see each other like this. I don't know where I'm going or when I'll be coming back."
I choked down another sob, trembling in his arms. "I don't want you to go. I'll be lonely all over again. You're the only one who tries to visit me, you know? I'll miss you so much."
He squeezed me even tighter. Our wet cheeks touched.
"It'll be okay. I promise I'll come back. So just...just wait for me. Alright, Momoko-hime?"
"Okay, Judar-nii."
"I have to go now."
He left me there in the garden, feeding the court magicians some lie about wanting to go for a walk at night. Once they were gone I snuck back to my room.
I discarded my cold, wet silks for some clean and dry bed clothes, and I went to wash my face in the basin. I paused when I caught my reflection in the mirror.
There was a small black smudge of kohl on my cheek. Being the silly little girl I was, I told myself that I shouldn't wash it away. It was the only thing I had that would remind me of him. If I washed it off, I might forget him. So I went to sleep with that smudge on my cheek.
Of course, the very next day Ka Kobun made a fuss about it. He said that if I wanted to wear makeup, he would show me how to do it properly when I'm old enough.
I asked him if I could wear kohl on my eyes.
"Oh no, your highness. That's too heavy and dark for a pretty young lady like you. Besides, it's also rare and rather hard to obtain. Don't you worry, when the time comes I'll show you how to choose nice colors to brighten up that lovely face of yours. Things like rose, or champagne, or―"
"Peach?"
"Why yes, that's a good one."
Then the fated day he spoke of came. The day when he disappeared for years.
A huge crowd had gathered, and it was like a parade from the palace to the docks. My brothers and I were accompanying our father the Emperor to bid Empress Gyokuen farewell as she boarded the ship. There was a procession of her court magicians; hundreds of them. It was almost as if they were going to war.
Then finally they brought the palanquin. There was so much liveliness and excitement, all the cheering and shouting of "glory to the Kou", "praise to the Magi", "lead us to victory", so on and so forth. I struggled to get a good view amidst the applauding palace guards, and I whined at Ka Koubun to lift me up. He complied, hoisting me onto his shoulders.
As the palanquin drew near, I waved and called for him. But when I finally saw him, I fell silent.
Even back then, as young and foolish as I was, I could sense it. There was something very different about him that day. Different and wrong. Terribly wrong. Even with all the festivities and high energy around him, he was still and silent on his throne. His gaze was unfocused and cold, almost as though he was blind. He seemed to be in some dark place away from everything. It felt like he had been hollowed out into a little wooden doll.
As they carried him aboard the ship, I called for him. "Judar-nii!"
He didn't answer. He didn't even seem to hear me, even though we were but mere feet from each other. I wanted so desperately to be able to say goodbye, or to have him just look at me once more. I wailed and howled his name until my throat was raw. He didn't move.
As was typical of me, I ended up bawling my eyes out as the ship disappeared on the horizon. Everyone else had gone back to the palace, but I demanded that Ka Kobun stay on the dock with me until I could no longer see the ship. He tried his best to console me while I drenched his uniform with my sobs. He told me I wouldn't be alone, that he'd always be there for me. But I knew better than to believe my attendant was truly someone I could call a friend.
I must have cried until the tears refused to come out anymore that night, mourning the figurative loss of my only friend.