Chapter 30: Let's Meet Again Someday
Is there a perfect time to say goodbye?
Is there a perfect way to hurt someone?
In my case, there is.
I knew he was leaving, he told me that several times. Can I say I prepared for that day? I did. I prepared myself to watch him turning his back on me while slowly fading like ashes in the air. I prepared not to cry as much as possible. I've prepared for the excruciating pain of seeing someone you love disappearing before your eyes.
But I never prepared myself from those preparations that won't happen.
I never prepared myself not to watch him fade in my eyes. I never prepared not to cry knowing I didn't hug him for one last time. I never prepared myself from what just happened.
He didn't give me a perfect time to say goodbye.
He didn't hurt me in a perfect way.
He just... left.
What happened while I was sleeping?
Umiyak ba siya habang nakatingin sa akin? May mga sinabi ba siya habang natutulog ako? Nagdalawang-isip muna ba siya bago umalis sa kama ko at dahan-dahang binuksan ang pinto at umalis? Umasa ba siyang magigising ako at pipigilan siya?
It's been weeks... but I still remember the last night I saw him.
Ramdam ko pa rin ang yakap niya sa akin habang nakasandal ako sa puno, ang malamig niyang tinig sa tainga ko, ang pagtulo ng luha niya sa balikat ko, ang pagyakap niya sa akin hanggang sa makatulog ako.
I remember everything and every thing about it hurts.
Huminto ako sa paglalakad at tumingin sa bakanteng lote. Humigpit ang kapit ko sa bag habang nakatingin sa madilim na bahagi. Lagi akong humihinto rito, umaasang lilitaw siya at hihilahin ako sa dilim para may hilingin.
He is really gone.
Where are you now?
Are you happy?
Are you also thinking of me?
Kinapa ko sa bulsa ang cellphone ko nang mag-vibrate ako. Binasa ko ang message sa akin ni Ericka bago binalik ang cellphone sa bulsa ko.
Huminga ako nang malalim bago nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. Nadatnan ko na nag-aayos na ng gamit si Kael. Sabog ang mga damit niya sa sala, nakatayo ito sa gitna at mukhang gulong-gulo kung saan mag-uumpisa.
"Nag-aayos ka ba o nanggugulo?" tanong ko.
Napatingin siya sa akin. "C-Can you help me here?"
Pabagsak na ibinaba ko sa sofa ang bag ko at lumapit sa kanya. Umupo ako at pinaghiwalay ang mga shorts sa damit. May maleta sa gilid niya kung saan nakalagay na ang iba. Nakapag-ayos na rin naman ako kagabi, kaunti na lang ang kailangan kong ligpitin.
Umupo sa tabi ko si Kael pero hindi ito gumawa, nakaupo lang siya.
"You miss him?" he asked.
"Kael..." I warned him.
"I miss him, too." Sumandal ito sa akin at kumuha ng damit niya, pinaglaruan sa kanyang kamay. "Sometimes, I will look at your uniform, hoping for another stain of mud. I regret when I accepted the key of his car. I regret when I fell asleep that night."
Nanatili akong tahimik.
"Graduation mo na bukas, Ate Mad," aniya bago yumakap sa akin. Natigilan ako sa ginagawa ko. "Congratulations, Ate. I might not be the best brother in this world, and yeah, you are not the best sister in the universe, too. But I am proud of you, Ate."
"Sweet." Humarap ako sa kanya at hinalikan ang kanyang noo. "Thank you."
"Sana andito rin si Kuya Ro-"
"Can you do me a favor?" I interrupted him.
Ngumiti ito habang tumatango.
"Pagkatapos nating lumipat bukas, pwede bang huwag mo na siya babanggitin?"
Tila may bumara sa lalamunan ko matapos kong sabihin 'yon.
Natigilan ang ngiti ni Kael. "T-That's absurd."
"Please?" I begged. "Don't mention his name until hearing his name doesn't hurt anymore."
Whenever I hear his name, everything flashes back. Everything about him hurts me. I need time to heal and remembering him won't help. People leave, memories remain. But some memories are not worth remaining, or at least, remembering until you forget how it feels.
I can't say I'm mad at him for leaving without saying goodbye but... I can't also deny that, that was the worst goodbye I ever experience. No matter how painful goodbyes are, the unsaid ones hurt the most. Iyon bang wala kang kaalam-alam na 'yon na pala ang huling pagkakataon na makikita mo siya, ang huling pagkakataon na makakausap mo siya at ang huling pagkakataon na mayayakap mo siya... iyon bang nakapaghanda siya habang ikaw ay naiwang tulala.
I want to think that it is a selfish move to leave without saying goodbye. Siguro para sa kanya ay mas mabuting umalis nang hindi nagpapaalam, paano naman ako? He left me with regret. I should have not slept that night.
Kael nodded his head, gently. "I will try. But, just because I'm not talking about him doesn't mean I forget him."
"Thank you..."
"Halina kayo," tawag sa amin ni Papa na nasa bungad ng kusina. "Tigilan niyo muna ang pag-aayos. Maddy, magpalit ka muna ng damit. Kakain na tayo."
Tumayo na ako, binitbit ang bag papasok sa kwarto. Pagod na kumuha ako ng damit sa cabinet at nagpalit. Napatingin ako sa brown envelope na hindi ko pa nabubuksan. Kinuha ko ito at lumabas na ako ng kwarto.
It's time to prepare for another chapter of my life.
Pumunta ako sa kusina at kumuha ng lighter. Nagpaalam ako saglit na lalabas. Pumunta ako sa likod ng bahay para roon silaban ang mga papel.
Pinagmasdan ko ang brown envelope sa aking kamay.
"I'm sorry," I whispered in pain. "You asked me to forget you when you are gone. I'm granting it, baby. Nasaktan ako sa pag-alis mo nang hindi nagpapaalam. The pain is killing me. I am not that strong to remember the painful memories. It's been a long ride with you. But just like everything, it ends..." Suminghap ako nang maramdaman ang panginginig ng labi ko. "The game is done as as our relationship. Tonight, baby... remember that I have loved you."
Sinubukan kong sindihan ang brown envelope pero nabitawan ko ang lighter dahil sa sobrang panginginig. Umupo ako at pinulot uli ang lighter. Nagkamali ako sa paghawak sa brown envelope kaya bumuhos sa lupa ang mga papel doon.
Binitawan ko uli ang lighter at pinulot ang mga papel.
Hindi ko napigilang basahin ang mga 'yon.
Mapait akong napangiti. He's right, these are all medical records. Sumikip uli ang paghinga.
Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa pangalan kung para kanino ang mga records na ito, "Brecken, Rocky M."
Kumunot ang noo ko at paulit-ulit na binasa ang pangalan, nagbabaka-sakaling dahil sa pagkaulila ko sa kanya ay siya lang ang nasa isipan ko. Tuloy-tuloy ang pagpatak ng luha sa aking mga mata habang tinitingnan pa ang ibang records.
Shit.
These are not his Mom's medical records, there are all Rocky's.
Napaupo ako sa lupa, lumong-lumo sa napagtanto.
Why?
Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang inaabot ang isang papel na hindi ko napulot. Nakatupi ito kaya binuksan ko pa.
Hi, baby...
You must be crying while reading this. I'm sorry if I can't give you a hand to wipe your tears, so please, do me a favor, dry those tears. I'm writing this while staring at you, sleeping beside me. I kissed your lips three times, don't be mad, please. Hahaha! What date is it right now? Is your graduation done? I'm not even sure if you'll read this. Nevertheless, I'm proud of you. College is kind of pain in the ass, frustrations come after but I know you can do it. Hmmm. Are you still crying? Oh come on. I don't know what to write anymore, I just want to fill the spaces with 'I love you' but that would make no sense.
Ah! You must be angry at me, right? That's fine. I am brave now! Haha! I'm sorry for lying. Ops. Everything I told you is right except the last few stories. I punched my tito when he changed the content of the brown envelope. Right! The content of the brown envelope was originally Mom's medical record, he changed it into mine. He wanted to tell you the truth about my condition and the reason why I need to go, something I couldn't do. He was the spectator of our game. It was not Sadako, it was my tito who wore a wig to pretend she's my Mom. I caught him that night, trying to fool me. Fool, him. He didn't know I already know the truth. I'm relieved you didn't open it. But I'll leave it here with my letter. I'm sorry. I didn't tell you about my condition. It's not that severe though but it might lead that way if not treated immediately. But it's been a long time, it must be a little bit severe right now. Smoking, drinking and life are not really good when taken together even in moderate. Hahaha! I didn't want to heal until I met you. So... don't worry about me, I will heal. You pushed me to fight for my life, I'll do it.
You changed me, baby. Don't be surprised if you one day, you will find a statue of yourself somewhere, you are my hero and I want to brag to everyone how you saved me. I'm thinking of writing a book while healing. Our story will never be forgotten, everyone will know our story. So, yeah. I think... this is where it ends. I should leave before you even wake up. I don't know where to start after this, but I will do my best to live.
Aalis na po ako. I'm going to miss you, Miss Sadako.
Don't wait but don't forget, Mads.
Your life is your game, live in your own rules. Your future depends on who you are today. So before anything else, live in the moment. Live, baby.
The lonely boy you saved,
Rockypogi143
Natulala ako sa sulat. Bigla kong naisip ang mga sinabi niya sa akin nung gabing 'yon.
"You'll keep the truth from me and it's up to you if you'll tell me or not. May I ask you, Mads? What if I had no clue that you hid the truth from me? Would you tell me even though it could hurt me?"
While I was trying to make him stay, I was pushing him to his death. The reason why he wanted to end the game and leave wasn't just because he wanted to regain himself but to heal, too.
It makes sense now... it all makes sense.
Suminghap ako bago hinawi ang luha sa aking mga mata.
Pinagsama-sama ko ang mga papel at sinunog ang mga 'yon. I watched how every single word in the envelope burned into ashes. I watched until the letters disappeared.
Nakatulala ako hanggang sa matupok 'yon ng apoy.
Imbes na mas lalo akong masaktan sa nalaman, lumuwag ang paghinga ko. Parang iyon lang ang hinihintay ko, ang malaman na ayos lang siya. He may be sick right now, but he is braver now. He was the bravest boy I've known.
He's right, I shouldn't forget but... I shouldn't wait, too.
Wala sa sariling napangiti ako habang nakatingin sa mga bituin.
I'm ready now for the next chapter of my life.
Bumalik na ako sa loob. Tahimik lang kaming kumakain nang biglang tumunog ang cell phone ni Papa.
"Ano 'yan, Pa?" tanong ko habang ngumunguya.
"Rocky just transferred a huge amount of money in my bank account," he said, shocked.
Nanlaki rin ang mga mata ni Kael. "Can you buy me a bike now?"
"M-Maddy... you know that I can't accep-"
"Accept it," I cut him out. Kinuha ko ang basong may tubig at ininom 'yon. "We need it, Pa."
"M-Maddy-"
"Just accept it, Pa," I begged.
Kumunot ang noo ni Papa. "I-Is there something wrong?"
"Nothing." I shrugged my shoulders.
"You're not mat at him for leaving, are you?" nakahalukipkip na tanong ni Kael. "Come on, Ate Mad. Ikaw na ang nagsabi, letting him go means saving him. Why are you acting this way now?"
Natawa ako sa sinabi ng kapatid ko.
Natigilan ako nang marinig ang busina sa labas. "I'm not, Kael. Bilisan mong kumain, madami ka pang liligpitin na damit," sabi ko bago uminom ng tubig.
Tumayo na ako at humalik sa pisngi ni Papa. "Alis na ako, Pa," sabi ko.
Hahalik pa lang sana ko sa pisngi ni Kael nang inilayo niya ang mukha niya. "Just leave," he said.
"Mag-ingat kayo, ah?" pahabol na sabi ni Papa.
Patakbo akong lumabas. Nakaduwang sa bintana ng sasakyan si Ericka, nasa gilid niya si Rafael na kumaway sa akin. Sumakay ako sa likod ng sasakyan. Napatingin ako sa mga plastic. Binuksan ko ang mga 'yon.
"What is a road trip without drinks?" Nakangising sabi ni Ericka.
"Great," I whispered, amused.
Ang sabi ko kasi kay Papa ay hindi na ako magce-celebrate ng graduation, ang gusto ko ay road trip kasama sina Ericka at Rafael sa araw bago ang graduation namin. This will be the last night that I will see them, too. Baka matagalan pa uli. Saka dati pa namin ito pinaplano.
"You ready girls?" Nakakalokong ngiti ang nasa labi ni Rafael habang pinapaingay ang sasakyan.
"Wait!" Pigil ko nang magmamaneho na sana siya. Kinuha ko ang mga plastic at dumaan sa gitna nila saka umupo sa kandungan ni Ericka. Dumaing ito habang tumatawa. "Let's go," natatawa kong sabi.
"This will be a long night!" Ericka screamed as she hugged me tightly.
Mabilis na pinaandar ni Rafael ang sasakyan. Binuksan ko ang mga in-can beer at inabot 'yon sa kanila. Isa lang ang para kay Rafael dahil siya ang nagmamaneho, at sa amin na lahat ni Ericka ang mga natira
Pinalipas namin ang gabi na inaalala ang mga kalokohan namin dati sabay halakhak nang malakas, pasigaw na sinabayan ang kanta, binuksan ang bintana ng sasakyan para kawayan ang mga taong madadaanan namin.
Nag-umpisang umiyak si Ericka nang mapagtantong malapit nang mag-umaga at kailangan na naming mag-ayos para sa graduation namin. Hininto ni Rafael ang sasakyan para patahanin pa ito.
Lumabas ako ng sasakyan. Halos mapaupo ako dahil sa sobrang hilo dala ng alak. Umupo ako sa harapan ng sasakyan ni Rafael at nang mangawit ay humiga. Pinagmasdan ko ang pagliwanag ng langit hanggang sa pagsilip ng araw.
I suddenly remember the bravest boy I know and tears fall down from my eyes.
I closed my eyes as I whispered, "I still want you more than memories."
Let's meet again someday, dude.