11:01pm
I was sick four times on the plane 🤙🏻
Trigger warning: depression
Au
—
I have depression.
It's no use hiding it now, it'll only make me feel worse. For so long I wanted to forget what my old therapist told me, what she tried to put me on, I pushed her away, I stopped going to sessions, we all moved state, anyway. My family didn't know. They think I'm okay, I didn't tell them, because I knew they'd force me to do things I don't want to do to get better.
I do want to get better. I don't want to have days where I physically can't get out of bed, or don't feel the energy at all to utter a single word. But I don't think theres much point. I'm just me. Boring, tie-wearing, dull me. Logan Sanders. The nerd. The loner. The one without a friend in the world.
I don't feel happy. Not in the mornings, not during the day, not at night. This has gone on for years. I fear I won't ever feel happiness again. Or feel anything. I can't feel. Which makes everyone correct, doesn't it? The bullies, all calling me a robot. Maybe they're right. Maybe I am just a robot. A robot silently passing through life, waiting to be forgotten by everyone.
That's how I thought my life would go. But when someone new moved into town, it threw my plans off. The first student he spoke to was me, the one to give him a tour was me, the one to bare through his over-energetic energy, terrible puns, and father-like personality was me. Did I like it at the time? No. But I didn't really like anything back then.
He changed that for me.
He knocked on my door. I asked, "what are you doing here?" Confused. How did he get my address? Did he follow me home? Stalk me?
"I'm here to spend time with you, Lo!" He grinned like that was a completely normal thing to do. Well, it was, but not for me. He kept doing that, every day, after school, he'd come over, we'd spend time in my room, either talking, watching shows, or finishing homework. He didn't mind, he said; "as long as I'm with you".
Why did he want to be with me so badly? I don't think I'll ever understand - I still am this robotic humanoid, he deserves much better, but he always denies this, and says I'm perfect just the way I am.
And sometimes I believe him.
He made me smile. It was a normal day, nothing spectacular had happened, I just smiled. But to Patton it was one of the best days of his life. We were at the park, Patton bent down with his butt in the air, reaching further and further towards the pond to feed a duck when all went wrong. He fell in. Alarmed, I helped him out, but he just laid in a puddle of the water he was soaked in, dazed for a few moments, but then he began to grin, and his laughter filled up the air around us, dancing through my ears. It tugged my lips up. And Patton gasped. His laughter stopped and he stared. I frowned, an he did, too. But then he smiled again, sat up, and tapped my nose.
"You have a beautiful smile"
It seemed nothing could get him down.
I didn't have to tell him of my depression for him to figure it out. But he never asked about it; he was just there. He knew the days I felt down, and always knew exactly what to do. How did he? I don't know - and I never will.
I'll never forget the day he made me laugh, though. It was yet again another normal day; Saturday afternoon we were sitting on my bed after finishing homework. He looked up at me with that coy grin I knew all too well. He had a pun. And I can't even remember what the fucking joke was! But staring at his face after he said it in that silence, I couldn't help but laugh. I covered my mouth, hunched my shoulders and laughed
I felt so alive in that one moment.
When I met his sparkling gaze; I knew he felt the same.
He brought me out my stump. He saved my life in ways no one else could. If only I could've done the same for him.
I placed the soft blue flowers on his grave. The ones he used to love.
"Thank you, Patton" I murmur.
"For everything"
—
11:50pm