I sigh, flopping down next to the tree. Weary muscles hum in relief, my heart and lungs calming down for the first time in awhile. Just one moment, I need a moment to get away. To just... stop.
Memories though, stupid stupid memories, refuse to let my mind have any relief. All too soon do my muscles tighten, heart hammering yet again as air rushes in and out. Tremors running up and down my arms, the urge to jump up and run growing. Yet there's nothing that I need to run from, it's all in my head.
So I stare at the sun ever so slowly crawling down to the horizon, simply focusing on breathing and only on breathing, do I begin to feel the thump of my heart calm down. Muscles smoothing out as I force myself to just breathe, only breathe.
My lungs heave with one big sigh, and I slowly let my thoughts drift away. I mean, not everything's bad. Sure, the Wither Storm left a scar that won't soon be forgotten, but people are rebuilding well. Already only after a few days a town has been developed.
A throb in my feet demands attention, as if to remind me how much I've developed that town. How many times I said yes to people when I really should have said no. When I was trapping sleeping chickens before dawn and chopping down trees well into the night. But I was hoping it would become easier, that if I was exhausted it would be easier...
Silent tears slip from my eyes, Reuben coming to life in my mind. His excited squeals so real in my ears. As if I could just turn my head and see him right there, grinning at me as he chews on a carrot. With just one simple lift of my arm I could pet him.
But the rips in my heart tell me it's not worth it to look.
Tears fall from my face as I tip my head back into the tree, squeezing my eyes shut while soft sobs escape me. I thought people said losing someone would feel empty, an abyss where your heart should be that could never be filled no matter what you do.
But this! This is my heart twisting violently every time I look down, already opening my mouth to say something to him, when I only see nothing! It's me being unable to produce even a squeak from my burning throat whenever I see or simply hear another completely different pig. It's my legs wobbling from exhaustion, demanding me to let them recover from the whole adventure instead of constantly helping, but I ignore that because I can't bare to fall asleep without him.
This definitely isn't like some imaginary hole in me, even if that hole is bottomless. This is a ravaging disease, a sneaky creeper. I never know it's coming until it's there, throwing me into turmoil. Exploding without thought to who's around me, my body struggling and breaking as I try to appear alright.
I pull my knees closer, Ivor's armor shinning in the sun. I remember I would daydream with Rueben, telling him fantastical dreams of finally having a proper sword. Maybe a fancy armor set to go with it, never having to have to worry about being called a loser or being picked on again.
Now here I am, a legendary hero dressed in unbreakable armor with a diamond sword in his sheath, wishing for that time again. Because even if I would end up losing Rueben again, at least I would be able to treasure him more. Take more time to play with him, take him wherever I went despite whatever Olivia says about it.
A boiling flood of grief bursts from my heart, and I quickly shove my head into my knees. Violent sobs wracking my body as I still try to muffle them, wrapping my arms around my head and knees to try to silence myself. To keep all this anguish locked inside of me, that's where it belongs.
I know what Rueben would do if he were here. He would gently push my side with his head, before rubbing up next to me to just try and comfort me. The nerves that expect to feel that, the care and warmth from him, only feel the bitter cold devoid of life.
Muscles cramp beneath my skin, so worn out that they even cry out their pain amidst all my suffering. Still though, I don't dare to move. I can't. I don't want to go back to the world, I don't want to be the helpful hero, I don't want any of that.
"Jesse!" I guess the world doesn't exactly want to let me go, well, at least my friends don't. "Jesse!"
Swallowing down my sobs, my entire neck straining to do that, I quickly wipe the tears from my eyes. My legs collapse back down with a sigh, but my lungs still ache for air. No matter how desperately I try to get a hold of myself, I can't stop myself from taking huge needy breaths.
"Come on Jesse!" Petra's frustration floats into my ears, and I grab onto it to convince myself that I need to calm down. "We know your out here somewhere, stop hiding."
I take a deep breath in, forcing my raw voice to sound normal. "Can't a guy enjoy a sunset in peace? Geez, what's this world coming to?"
The many footsteps of my friends crush grass and a few stray sticks as they run up to me, and by the sound of it, it seems like all four are there. Just all the more reason to keep it inside, I can't bother them all at once.
"Jesse! There you are!" Olivia just sits down right next to me, and I shoot her a fake smile. "We couldn't find you and when we realized you weren't even in town, we got a wee bit worried."
Axel smirks, half of his unibrow raised at Olivia. "Olivia's speaking for the rest of us, you should have seen the look of pure-"
"Axel, say another word and-"
"Anyway Jesse," Lukas sits next to me, and I can spot the strained smile he gives me. "Whatcha doing out here anyway?"
"Watching the sunset, I appreciate it more after how close the world came to ending." My lips twitch slightly as I try to hold my smile, and I refrain from gulping. Lukas seems to suspect something, what can I do to convince him I'm fine?
Petra lazily plops down on the ground near me, using her arms as a pillow. "Yep, sunset's pretty nice. Although I'm not too fond of the cold night that follows, but we got a place to head back to now."
"Oh that's right!" Olivia eagerly claps her hands, and the sneaky suspicion that they are all being way too cheerful nibbles at me. "The Order Hall has been completed! Well... it's actually just the structure mostly, but we can now live in it! Get some more furnishings rather than only beds."
"That's... that's great Olivia." My voice crackles, claws of grief tearing at my heart again. Not now... not now! "Although it, uhh, might take a bit of getting used to such a big place."
Shudders wrack my body, defying my will, and I quickly rip my gaze away and set it on the ground. Hot tears burning the back of my eyes as I image how empty it will be compared to the treehouse, no excited Rueben squealing and jumping on everything.
Lukas gently shakes my shoulder, concern weaved into his voice. "Everything alright Jesse?"
"Fine, totally fine."
"Come on man," I absolutely refuse to lift my gaze to Axel, everything's crumbling apart and I can't- I just can't- "You know you can tell us anything."
My fists curl, whether because I'm struggling to get a hold of myself or determined to keep it from the others, I don't know. But these are my emotions, I need to handle it myself. Besides, them feeling pity for me isn't exactly going to make me feel any better. They just all need to go away for awhile.
Petra huffs, and the seed of anger plants itself inside the tears of my heart. "Spit it out already, it's doing no good being bottled up in there."
I snap my head up at her, scowling bitterly. "Says the person who didn't want anyone to know of her Wither Sickness."
A hammer smashes down at my chest once I listen to the words I just spat out at Petra. I- I can't believe I just said that. What- that's so horrible of me. She's only been free of it for like what? Three days? And I just used it as an insult! That's-
"Whelp, now we know something's wrong, so you're stuck with us until you spill it." Shock throws my thoughts into silence when I hear Petra not even react at all to what I said.
Olivia grabs my other shoulder, squeezing gently, but firmly. "That's out of character for you, could you please-"
"He's gone!" I glare at her as the unwanted tears seep out, my heart finally screaming its grief out whether I want it or not. "You all know that! Of course something's wrong, I dropped that stupid sword at the worst possible moment and cost Rueben his life!"
A sob bursts out, my face distorting as grief and guilt and hate all clash together. I quickly try to hide it, covering my face again. Tears falling through my gloved hands.
"Dude, you can't blame yourself for that."
A weird hiccup of a grunt flies out of me. "Little too late for that Axel."
Lukas again gently shakes my shoulder. "Rueben knew what he was getting himself into when he jumped into the Wither Storm with you. I doubt that he did it for the world though; I would bet everything that he did it for you."
I don't respond, biting my tongue instead of shouting at him. I really want to, just shout all my grief. Get my friends to leave any way I can get them to, so I can just suffer here myself. So I still don't have to try and suppress my sobs.
"You're right Jesse, I didn't want to tell anyone about my Wither Sickness. I didn't want any of you guys to see me as weak, or worst, pity me. But it really was so much easier once I accepted it was okay to lean on someone else. Or multiple someones."
Again, I don't say anything, my lips trembling. Her words sparking a mad need for their support, and yet I so fervently want to push it away. I don't really know why, maybe because of what Petra said, maybe for some other reason, but I'm too hesitant to spill out my heart to them.
"Hey Jesse," Olivia tugs at the arm next to her, trying to get my hands down. "The sun's finally setting now, it really is more beautiful when it was threatened to be destroyed."
I glance up, just slightly lowering my hands to see it. And I don't know how the brilliant hues of red and orange seeping over the blue sky did it, but the sobs die down in my stomach and the remaining tears drip silently out of me.
A small smile grows on my face when I see that the rest of my friends are watching it too, and I know the real credit has to go to my friends for lifting my mood even if it is just this moment. Since the four of them really outshine the orange sunset.
****
My gosh, I've never really written Jesse's grief over Rueben and now I'm sad but happy with this and ugh, emotions. WHY?
So anyway, I went a little more abstract with this one, but then again, orange is a color. Can't exactly get abstract or concrete with it. Sure, there's a fruit, but that doesn't exist and it seemed kinda boring to write about. Especially when compared to what I just came up with.
Now that you have your dose of Rueben's death in for the day, I think I'll be going now. The next oneshot will be out tomorrow!