'We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine;
But we've wandered many a weary foot,
since good old times.'
"Auld Lang Syne"
Written by Robert Burns
I felt exhausted after Christmas and just wanted to go to bed and stay there a few days. With any luck, maybe I could just sleep through New Year's. But, at 5:32 on the 26th of December, my telephone rang. It was my sister, Katie Lee.
"...of course, I figured you probably wouldn't want to go, but you get so snippy if I don't ask..."
"Huh?"
"Whassup? Sosy forkin?" mumbled my husband, Ben, from the other side of the bed.
"...although I can only IMAGINE what Ben will say... he has such a smart mouth."
"You called me at 5:30 to tell me Ben has a smart mouth?"
"Deny it if you will, Lou, but the man does spew sarcasm with the regularity of Old Faithful."
"Wha siglifin foosecat..." was Ben's reply from deeper in his pillow.
"Thanks for letting me know—talk to you later..." It was way too early for Katie Lee on the phone.
"So that's why I decided to call you."
"OK...guess I'll talk to you later...
"Aren't you gonna answer me?"
"It's 5:30, Katie Lee. Is anyone in the hospital or morgue or bleeding?"
"It's nearly 5:35. I've been up for hours..."
"It's 5:32. If it's not an emergency, I'll call you back at a decent hour..."
"Semantics, Lou. You should get up early like me. I've already done my butt workout, did my weight workout, walked/ran 4 miles and had breakfast."
"Good for you—I'll talk to you later..."
"Gives me energy! I went online shopping—snagged tons of bargains..."
"OK, well, I'll say goodbye then..."
"Do you want the tickets or not?"
"What tickets?"
"Don't you listen to a thing I say? The tickets I was telling you about."
Ben was awake now and he was NOT a morning person. "Gimme that phone..."
"No—now Ben, Katie Lee is trying to tell me something..." I twisted and squirmed, trying to keep the phone out of Ben's reach.
"Is Ben finally awake?" Katie Lee was bright and sunshiny. "I swear, Lou, I don't know HOW you put up with such a lazy man!"
Ben jerked the phone from me. "It is 5:30 am!"
Katie Lee said something. I gave up, went to the bathroom, gargled, washed my face and came back to listen to Ben's side of the conversation.
"I'll have you know I got up at 4:30 for over 30 years..."
Pause.
"KATIE LEE! It's none of your business if I sleep until 5:30 in the AFTERNOON!"
Pause.
"I AM NOT!"
Pause.
"I DO SO!"
Pause.
"I DO NOT!"
"Ben? You might as well go start the coffee..." I yawned.
"Your sister...YOUR SISTER..."
"I know. Let me have the phone..."
Ben thrust the phone at me and stormed to the kitchen to start the coffee.
I spoke into the phone in a warning voice: "Katie Lee..."
"That was fun! He's so mad!"
"I wish you wouldn't do that."
"Do you want the tickets or not?"
"To what?"
"The New Year's Eve Ball in Nashville. You know, at that fancy hotel..."
"Katie Lee, that's not really my scene."
"I wish you'd go out and live a little."
"If that's all..."
"So, what ARE you going to do on New Year's Eve? Have a tired old card party?"
"We have fun!"
"You don't even play for money!"
"It's tradition."
"Same round of people every year..."
"I LIKE all my friends and family..."
"You should dress up; put on your good jewelry!"
"I dress up for the card party..."
"Oh wait: you don't really HAVE nice jewelry..."
"Katie Lee! I have some very nice..."
"Poor Lou Anne! Ben's so cheap. I'll loan you something."
I hung up. She called right back and continued as though there had been no disruption.
"We could go shopping; get you a decent dress."
I hung up. She called back.
"Ben can dust off his credit card; buy a tux. Did I tell you about my date?"
I hung up. She called back.
"...or he could rent one. I know this place that has..."
I hung up. She called back.
"Oh, all right then. You don't want the tickets."
"No, I don't."
"Have fun playing Rook. You making any good resolutions this year?"
"No."
"I thought you had fun with your resolutions last year."
"Fun is NOT the correct word."
"This year I'm resolving to be more spontaneous."
"More?"
"Yeah. And adventurous."
"More?"
"Yeah—and to quit DENYING myself."
"Wait, what?"
"And to lose this weight!"
"What?
"I gained 1 ½ pounds over the holidays! Can you believe it?"
"One and a half..."
"I'm such a porker! And I resolve to keep my pedicure current, pay attention to my inner child, live in harmony with nature..."
Ben came back to the bedroom and curled under the covers with me. He kissed my cheek and pulled me back under with him. He felt cold. I snuggled close and kissed him in return. Katie Lee kept talking.
"...and to indulge myself..."
That caught my attention. "Are you saying you don't indulge yourself enough?"
"Are you kidding, Lou? Look how I've denied myself this past year alone."
I bit my lip. Katie Lee's version of denying herself met most people's dreams of overt, ostentatious and outrageous opulence.
"Katie Lee, I'm glad you're starting a plan of self-improvement, but I could listen better if it was later in the day."
"What about you? Wanna go to the inner child workshop with me? Have some adventures? Maybe be my diet buddy?"
"Are you suggesting..."
"Think about it. I can't chat all day—we're burning daylight here. Toodles Darling!"
"THE SUN HASN'T EVEN COME UP!"
She didn't hear me though; she had already hung up the phone. Ben wanted to cuddle under the warm covers and go back to sleep—or something— but I wasn't in the mood.
"Do YOU think I need to lose weight?"
Ben had playfully pulled me close and rubbed my cheek with his bristly face. He stiffened.
"Uh...well..."
"Need some time to think about it?"
"Uh...No! N-no...of course you don't..."
"AHA!" I sat up, abruptly dislodging myself from his arms.
"Lou, don't..."
"So, you think I'm FAT!"
He tried to reach for me while wheedling: "Don't be ridiculous! Maybe pleasingly...."
"DON'T you finish that sentence!"
I pulled away from him and prepared to swing my feet over the edge of the bed, but he grabbed me and tried to pull me back in the warmth of his embrace.
"Lou! Now, Lou, come here..."
"No! I'm too fat and ugly!" I pushed at him.
"You're not ugly! You're the prettiest woman..." I have to say this for Ben: he is persistent in the face of adversity. His warm feelings were not yet diminished.
"SO! YOU ADMIT IT!" My warm feelings, however, had entirely dissipated.
"...sexiest woman I know—wait, what?"
"You said I wasn't UGLY but you didn't deny that I'm FAT!"
"I—I'm confused..."
"And I'm FAT!"
"I think you're beautiful!"
"You think I'm ginormous!"
"You're not ginormous! You only need to lose 10 or 15 pounds..."
Suddenly, the warmth was a distant memory and a wave of icy cold washed over the moment. "Excuse me?"
"You said so yourself, just the other day." He seemed confused.
I gave him a big push. "So! You think it's a good idea?!"
"Uh...if YOU think you NEED to diet then I'll support..."
I threw the covers back and began to search for my slippers. One was right there where it was supposed to be, but the other was missing.
"Ten—ten pounds, tops..."
I bent to look under the bed. Had the dog carried my slipper off or had I just kicked it underneath the bed?
Ben peered at me over the edge of the bed. In the dim light and from his position, all he could see was my rump, pointed skyward. I couldn't see my slipper; it was too dark.
"Maybe eight...er, twelve? I could probably stand to lose some weight too. Maybe..."
I sat up and reached for the lamp. Ben was too close to me and I bumped my head on his chin.
"OW!"
"What'd you do that for?"
I had caught Ben's jaw with the top of my head. Good. Maybe it would shut him up.
I reached up, flipped on the light and glared at Ben. He was rubbing his chin, but even with his sleep-tousled hair and grimace of pain, he was a fine-looking man. He was wearing an A-shirt and pajama bottoms. I loved the way the muscles rippled in his big arms and shoulders as he thoughtfully rubbed his handsome jaw. Ben might be past 60, but he had only grown better-looking with age. He looked like a slightly-aging-but-still-massively-desirable-Hollywood sex symbol.
On the other hand, I was nothing like a glamorous star. I am a squat 5'2" when I concentrate on my posture. I have long hair that went white so long ago that I can't even remember and my crow's feet testify to the passage of time. I look my age, and that's not young. I've always thought I looked good for my age, but there is no denying what my real age is. And, I had a good set of bathroom scales. There was no denying my weight either.
I gave Ben a good, hearty glare and reached under the bed, found my slipper and assumed it.
"Lou, you know I think you're..."
"...fat. You think I'm fat."
"I THINK you're the only woman for me!"
"You THINK I need to lose weight!"
"One fact does not negate the other..."
There was a pause while I shot him a very cold look. He tried to assess just how deep he had stepped in it.
"So, to recap: you are telling me, before 6:00 am, the day after Christmas, that you think I need to lose weight. Got it." I stood and grabbed my robe. I heard the little beeper which signified that the coffee was ready. I tied the robe, with much less slack than I liked in the belt. Ben groaned and flopped back in the bed.
"So, this is how our day is starting?" He seemed resigned.
"Yep." I went in search of coffee. The clock informed me it was now 5:48.
By the time I poured coffee, Ben had shuffled to the living room, lit the gas logs and turned on the Christmas tree lights. It was peaceful and nice, but I was fuming. I sat in my chair and curled up with my coffee, refusing to look at Ben. He dressed and went to the kitchen, returned with the coffee carafe and topped up my mug. Then he got a mug for himself and settled, not in his chair, but on the sofa nearest to me. He placed his coffee on the table beside me and proceeded to prove to me why he was the most adorable man in the world.
"Lou, sweetheart, I love you with all my heart."
Frosty silence.
"I'm not at my best in the mornings, and I misspoke."
The coldness lingered.
"Is there any way we can start the day over? Try again?"
Ben was a smooth talker. He reached for the hand that held the coffee mug; if I jerked it away, I would spill my coffee. He gently took the mug from my hand and placed the coffee on the side table beside his. Then, he cherished my hand tenderly between both of his. I began to defrost, just a tiny bit, around the edges.
"Lou, why don't you come sit next to me on the couch?" His smile was sweet and very attractive.
I tried to maintain the coolness but was having difficulty.
"It's awful cold this morning; we could cuddle under the afghan." He held my hand firmly with one of his but used the other to pull the afghan off the back of the sofa and pat the spot next to him. His smile was awfully nice.
"Well..."
"Come on, Lou. You must be frozen over there, all by yourself." I loved the way his eyes crinkled just before he smiled.
"It IS a cold morning..." I admitted.
"Come on. Please?"
It was easier to sit by him than to argue. And once I sat by him it was only a matter of time before we were cuddled in a ball, warm under the blanket. I looked at the clock: it was 6:19. All in all, he had done pretty well, considering the opposition. That sums up more of Ben's character and, I guess mine than anything else I know. It was exactly 7:47 when we resumed our conversation about Katie Lee's phone call.
"Maybe it wouldn't hurt us to consider going to that fancy dress-up ball with Katie Lee and Stephen."
"We've never really gone anyplace like that before."
"It might broaden our horizons."
"I'd have to get a tuxedo."
"You'd look amazing in a tuxedo." It was true; just picturing Ben in a tuxedo made my toes curl. I snuggled tighter into his chest.
"You look nice no matter what you wear."
"Good answer."
"Or don't wear." He leered playfully.
"Ben!" I giggled.
"Do you WANT to go to that party?"
"I don't know...I'd have to buy a dress."
"One of those long dresses?"
"Maybe. I think they wear short ones too."
"What color?"
"I don't know. I'm not sure what size...maybe I DO need to lose some weight."
"Katie Lee implied I'm too CHEAP to buy a tux."
"I COULD if I put my mind to it..."
"It's not as though I can't afford one; I just don't go places where I NEED..."
"After all, I've done it before..."
"She said I never take you anyplace!"
"I COULD make a resolution..."
"MY resolution may be to avoid HER! Did she ever think of that?"
"Wait, are we talking about..."
"New Year's resolutions?"
"No."
"No?"
"No." I was firm.
"Excuse me?"
"Don't you remember what happened last year?"
"Well, it wasn't so bad..."
"Are you remembering correctly?"
"Some of it was nice..." he hugged me closer.
"Hang on..." I detached myself and went and got the wall calendar from the past year. I brought it back and sat beside him, flipped the pages, and pointed out the notes on each page. We had sat down last year and made a resolution: try something new, together, at least once a month. We decided to take turns choosing the activities. Ben drew the long straw and got to choose first. He wanted to lift weights with me in January.
"We KEPT our resolutions..." Ben pointed out.
"More fools us!"
"January was..."
"January, we went to the emergency room"
"But that was because..."
"February—do you remember what happened?"
"But I thought you..."
"Do you LIKE being thrown out of places?"
"Well, that might have been my fault..."
"March—the gun range..."
"Now that was just..."
"Did you LIKE the emergency room?"
"Not EVERYTHING ended like that..."
"Emergency medical care is NOT fun..."
"You don't have to tell ME that..."
"The book club?"
"But we walked in the rain..."
"When you're my age, with arthritis, that's not a romantic treat..."
"Snuggling together, watching movies..."
"Ben! Don't you remember how we quarreled?"
He ogled me playfully: "I remember making up..."
"Your truck?"
His ardor cooled a bit. "Well, it was fixable..."
"How could you even SUGGEST resolutions after that?"
"But now, I thought you had fun when we..."
"Coyotes chased us!"
"I don't think they were trying to CATCH us..."
"So, the success or failure was based on the INTENTIONS of the coyotes?"
"But what about..."
We spent the rest of the day after Christmas looking back over the resolutions we made last year.