Angst.
(please don't kill me)
*********
S: i miss you, kayc.
I could feel my heart change its pace as I read those four words, my breathing slowing as a smile tug on my lips. He has always been good with words, and even with just this simple ones, my heart jumped as it recognizes what it always wanted, what it always craved.
My thumbs fidget as I contemplate what to reply. Unlike him, I am bad with words, bad at every medium there is to convey my emotions, except for dancing. And even if I do try to express and show everything that is on my mind and heart, the ugly monster named Fear within me rears its ugly head and roars, consuming me, paralyzing me, and the courage I have been building shrinks back. And my usual smiles and giggles appear in autopilot.
I redirect my attention back to his message, and just because I am not in his presence that would always affect my nerves, I took the little courage I have as I type.
K: I miss you, too, Sean.
Last year, he had been away for months, teaching almost around the world. Yes I missed him, but not the way I miss him now. We’ve spent almost waking moment together when he got back, and even if we aren’t, he would always call and Facetime me just to know what I’m doing. Going online at the same time and sharing posts were our thing, and it feels like he was just beside me, laughing crazily with the million inside jokes that we share.
But now, his absence left a void within me. He was my best friend, my soul mate, and as serious as it sounds, my other half. So when he left again to teach overseas, it felt like he carried half of my heart with him.
Because unknown to our friends, to our fans, and to him — I am utterly, irrevocably in love with Sean Lew.
Yes, my friends tease, our fans even suspect, that I grew feelings for him overtime last year after World of Dance with the way I grew comfortable with him. But that’s where they’re wrong.
I didn’t know exactly when — maybe it was one of the times he gently held me against him, or when he said his soft, sleepy sweet dreams through the phone one night. Or maybe it was when I thought he was going to kiss me as he set me down carefully after a failed lift. Maybe it was just the way he softly gazes at me when he thought I wasn’t looking. I don’t know.
I just knew, that if ever I would decide to open my heart to someone, to tell those eight letters to, it would be him.
I didn’t realize I typed those words in the midst of my reverie, and I drew a shaky breath as I read it.
I love you.
If only I could get away from the monster inside of me, then I would have told him that a long time ago.
But it roared again, and I took a deep breath as I clicked the backspace in sorrow.
*****
Our reunion was sweet; it always has been. I was met with raised eyebrows, knowing looks and silent teases by friends and family. Sean and I had always used the generic “we’re friends” answer every time that it had probably lost its meaning. My other best friends were convinced that we we’re already trolling them and that Sean and I had made it official a long time ago.
“Believe it or not. We’re just best friends,” I would say.
“But you’re deeply in love with him. Just admit it, sis,” Tahani pressed on.
I had paused, and at that point, I simply couldn’t just deny it anymore. “I am. God, I am in love with him,” I hadn’t realized that tears were rolling down my cheeks.
It was the very first time I had verbalize it, and my emotions came pouring out after all those months keeping it in. I was met with comforting hugs from Tahani, Bailey and Kylie, rubbing my back to ease my sobs.
“I’m actually not the least bit surprised, Kayc,” Bailey had said. “But you should tell him soon, you know? I get that you’re both taking your time, but honestly, with clarity or not, you act like a young married couple. So why should you prolong your agony?” she gave me a reassuring smile.
“It’s not that easy, guys. What if —?”
I was cut with their frustrated groans and rolled eyes.
“Sis, I love you but it’s either you’re blind or just plain oblivious,” Kylie said. “That boy is in love with you, and had been practically shouting it to the world left and right. You just didn’t want to put meaning into it because you’re just afraid you’re wrong.”
“But he didn’t say those words yet.” I said sheepishly.
“He didn’t have to, Kayc.”
“What if you’re wrong?” I whispered, mostly to myself.
*****
What if I’m wrong? What if they’re wrong? What if everybody’s wrong?
These questions played inside my mind like a broken record, hurting my heart every time I think of a hundred possible answers and outcome. Many times I was tempted to get my answer so that my heart would settle, but good ol' friend Fear makes itself known, drilling into my mind and heart that everything would go wrong. That everything is wrong.
What if I’m wrong all along?
This was the only thing on my mind that night as I barely registered what he was saying, his voice sounding like he was half-a-mile away. We were lying on our backs beside each other on a sheet against the grass, making acquaintance with the chilly wind as we watched the stars in the night sky. I was sleeping over as usual and he knocked on my door in the middle of the night, inviting me to stargaze. But all I was thinking was —will he finally tell me he loves me?
What if I’m wrong? The familiar voice asks.
I listened, waiting, hoping, but nothing came. Eagerly I took in his stories, his plans for new concept videos, his jokes, but soon my mind wandered into my own thoughts, battling with my Fear, and its other friend Insecurity.
I was still waiting, hoping for a turn of topic, but still, nothing came.
He might have noticed my stupor and called me.
“Kayc?”
I feel my heart rise up in my throat, my eyes burning with tears that came too early. Tears that possibly came because of the dreaded answer.
“What’s wrong? You’re unusually quiet,” he noted. He now raised on one elbow, looking over at me as he observes my face.
I close my eyes, swallowing hard the oncoming sob brought by Fear.
“Hey,” he said, voice gentle. “Talk to me.”
I wait. One, two, three. I open my eyes, surely shining with emotion as I meet his gaze.
“I’m in love with you, Sean.”
And as I look back into his eyes, I immediately got my answer. His eyes, which they say had a special gaze only for me, watered not because of surprise nor joy. It was of guilt and sorrow.
His pupils shook as he carefully sat up, facing away from me, raking his fingers through his hair in frustration, before rubbing his face.
“Kayc,” he started. “We’re friends.”
I could feel Fear laughing hysterically at me inside my chest, unleashing Sorrow and Pain, as it spread all over my body. It gripped my heart like an iron fist, preventing me to breathe, setting my lungs on fire.
The eight letters I longed to hear is now down to seven. A word that is supposedly dear to me, but now I hate.
I was wrong. Everybody’s wrong.
He turned his face to look at me, but I did not dare to look back.
“Kayc. Believe me, there was a time when I…liked you,” he let out a frustrated breath. “But then I realized —”
“No. Please, don’t finish it,” I said in panic.
Memories flashed before my eyes —memories of him doing things for me, his words that brought a hoard of butterflies in my guts. Memories that weren’t left unnoticed by friends, family and other people who follow us. And yet, I saw and interpreted it wrongly. I was wrong. We were wrong.
Friends.
“You don’t need to explain. I…get it.”
I sit up, and I almost stumble on my weak knees, but I held my ground. I just wanted to get away.
“Goof,” he stopped me by the hand, and I hold my breath, forcing the tears back into my eyes. “I -I’m sorry. I just don’t —”
I shook my head, and bravely I looked at him and forced a smile. “You don’t have to say sorry. I just…needed an answer.”
He dropped his hand from the hold and nodded slowly.
My sob burned on my throat, the eight letters along with it.
“Goodbye, Sean. I’ll see you next class, okay?” I said, taking a deep breath.
I walk away, as I let out the silent cry, whole body shaking with sorrow.
I didn’t look back. He didn’t stop me.
**********
Author's Note
So I made this short probably a month ago when I had no patients at work, and decided to finish it today because I was triggered.
I know most of you are on IG and probably read most fanpages' stand on commenting on families' post, but let me say it again. Just don't. I mean we all know that there's already something special going on, but one of the things that might be stopping them from being "official" or confirming it is because of that kind of behavior. (And if I have to be honest, it kinda hurt when Sean has to say they're just friends all over again lol)
Anyway, I know this kinda sucked but oh well.
Self-control, friends, okay? Let's be contented with what we have :)