Chapter 5-Reality
So he now lives in barracks on the base. He goes over seas to fight and goes back to the barracks. Another Christmas rolls around and he calls me up and asks me to come visit him. I beg and plead and my father says absolutely not. I beg and plead with my brother, and he decides that he will go with if I pay for everything. I agreed. Now, don't ask me what is going through my head this whole time. I honestly don't know. All I remember of that time is thinking that because he took my virginity, that he is supposed to be my husband. Then, because we kept having sex, I convinced myself that we are supposed to be together. I even remember him mentioning that if we got married, that the military would pay for our house. He was asking me what I thought. I kept saying that I couldn't just leave, I was still in high school and had the amazing opportunity to attend college as well. I wasn't about to give that up. He kept telling me that if I loved him, I would do it. Looking back, I actually recall one of our good moments. It was right after sex, he layed on my chest and told me that I was good for him and that I would be the only one that would ever be able to have his children because I am the only thing keeping him sane. He told me that I would be the only one to keep our children sane too, if they were schizo as well. That scared the shit out of me. Coincidence or not, I once thought I was pregnant too. Thank God I wasn't.
Anyway, so my brother and I made the thousand mile trip for him. We lived in his barrack room for about two days. My brother only gave us one moment of free time and we spent that time in the shower. That night, we drank alcohol and my brother went to sleep on the floor while we fooled around in his top bunk. He was still withdrawn and cold. I was starting to feel myself disconnect with him. Then, the last minute before we left to go home, my brother let us say goodbye to each other. He was playing a video game and I was trying to say goodbye. I squatted in front of him and gave him a kiss. He moved out of the way and didn't even respond when I said goodbye. I walked out and spent the time driving home, thinking about me.
Another couple of weeks go by and he comes back to visit. I was detached and confused once more. I knew that he was having sex with other girls when he was away and I was so messed up about whether or not I was happy about this. Finally, one night when we were having sex, he was behind me. I remember my face hovering off the bed and I noticed my necklace (The one of the cross that I loved so much). I kept staring at my necklace and I was praying. He was going to town behind me and I was praying to God. I don't even remember what I was saying, but the necklace fell off onto the bed beneath me. I grabbed it in my hand and waited for him to finish. Once he was done, I went in the bathroom and looked at my necklace. The clasp was intact. The areas where I had knotted and fused them together looked like they were carefully pulled apart. I saw no reason for this necklace to come off on its own. Unless God was telling me something.