It Happened To Me

Chapter 4

Chapter 4-Love?

    He called while he was in basic training. The first couple of calls were awkward and mostly silent. And very short. Then he began writing me letters. At first just telling me about his day, then actually talking a little about me. I soon came to anticipate these letters. I felt like he was my friend again. Then, one day THE LETTER arrived. I ran to the mailbox in between high school and college. It was lunch time and I always came home to eat. I opened his letter and he told me about how they were blowing up the Earth. How everything here was death and evil. Then he said that he realized that life is good and precious and that he loved me! The most joyous feeling over came me. He loved me. I hugged the letter to my heart and skipped college for the first time. My mom was happy because she saw how happy I was. She knew it had to do with the letter. But when I went in my room to read it again, I cried. I cried so hard, I didn't really know what I was crying about.

     Other than that one night I told you about, I didn't ever cry. I didn't tell my friends or family, I didn't tell anybody. See, another thing you should know is...My older brothers are dangerous. Not like mob or drug dangerous, like protective dangerous. I have seen them fight. I have heard of what happened to the ones they took their fists to. In my head, all the times I almost came clean about Mark, I saw my brothers. I was not afraid for me or for Mark. I knew that they would kill him. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. They would have taken him somewhere secluded. They would have beaten him and broken his skull. Then they would have buried him. Not that I cared so much for his death, but I cared that my brothers didn't go to prison. In essence, I convinced myself that I was sacrificing me-to keep them form being locked up.

   I felt like I was protecting every one. I know that has to be some kind of complex. I'm sure the psychiatrists would have a field day with me.

   Anyway, so the first time he came back from basic, we made love. Him and I, together. We whispered sweet nothings, we held each other, we looked at each. It was great. Then, when he tried to do it the next night, I told him that I loved him too and I wanted to hear him say it. He turned his head away from me and wouldn't meet my eyes. He said, "I love you." I got that feeling again.

  The time I spent away from him was good for me. I got perspective. I focused on school. The times he came home from the military, we had sex. Him and I. No more love, but it was mutual. Christmas rolls around, almost six months after living in a nightmare. My mom buys us both these cross necklaces. They are exact and have nails made into crosses. Because she bought us both the same ones, I put it on, and never took it off. I made sure to double knot it, and fuse the fastener to it so it wouldn't ever come off. He never wore his.

    Another couple of weeks go by and he comes down to tell me and his family that he is graduating. He wants me to come to his graduation. My brother and I drive across the country to be there. I dress up and wait in line at this venue, not having seen him in weeks. My brother and I are talking to each other and I mention his name. A soldier in front of us was talking to his family. He leans over and asks if my name is____. I say yes and he yells down the hall, "Mark! She's here! She came!" And he yells my name out. All the family and friends stare at me as he pushes his way through the crowd and comes to me. He hugs me and kisses me, then takes me inside to his table. The night is good, no alone time, but all about them. We have to leave the next morning.

  Then comes my junior prom. I begged him to go with me and he kept telling me no. Apparently, his mom and sister begged him to go with me too. But I didn't know this. So I get my dress and plan to go alone. A few days before the event, he says he'll take me. We go and it is fun for a little bit, but he didn't want me to hang out with my friends or do anything else but sit next to him. He only dances one dance with me and that was after I begged. We leave early because he is unhappy and we just drive. We drive out to the middle of nowhere and make out in the middle of a field. Then, when we get back in the car, he tells me he is tired and wants me to drive until he says to stop. I had to stop on my own and take us home because it was close to 4am. Soon after, he leaves for his base.

   Another couple of weeks go by and he is visiting with us again. Every visit seems to make him go back the way he used to be. Meaner and never meeting my eyes. This time, his mom wants to drive him back (a thousand miles away). He says, "only if you come too". So, I go with them and we drive straight through, with me and him cuddling in the back seat. When we get there, he doesn't tell me he loves me, even though I tell him. I get in his mom's car, and curl up in the back to stare out the window. I didn't speak the whole time.

    Next time he calls me at work, another few weeks after this. He stutters and asks me shyly if I want to be his girlfriend. Thinking that maybe this will be the good Mark, I excitedly say yes. Nothing changes though. He stills has good moments, and really really bad ones. His violence escalates. Now it isn't just sexual, it is verbal, and physical. This can't be love.