The thing about pain, is that sometimes, you feel everything. I mean sure, you could fall and scrape your knees a little, but how could I ever imagine that as the only form of pain a person could have?
Literally, your world can come crashing down at any instant. It could take one thing, or a number of things to bring it down, but it takes one second. It takes no time at all to suddenly break off into someone that you're not, and it takes no time at all to break the people that you love along with you. Or, I guess I could say "person", considering there's only one person that I truely love at this point.
I think about my childhood a lot...and though I've been told to forget about it all, I know I'll never get myself to. I know there are things I could have done, but I also know that there are things that I couldn't have done. I guess every ounce of guilt and longing I felt from that surprisingly vivd time in my life, is just another way to interpret literal pain.
And the thing about fear, is that sometimes, it makes you do and say things you never thought you would ever do. You can get wrapped up in so many emotions, worries, and nightmares that you think you're going to lose everything. Whether everything to you is multiple people, or just one person...you feel the same amount of fear as everyone else. You start to change yourself, and you start to loose control of every aspect of your brain that tells you to stop.
But you can't stop. Only certain things become the only things you can control. And those certain things are just the things that break you.
I've had that fear. You know...that fear of losing everything again? It's happened to me many times, and if anyone ever asks me about it I'll tell them all the same thing: it eats away at you. It makes you do things, and say things, and think things that are totally out of proportion. You over think, you under sleep, you sit there for hours upon hours in total silence, wishing some sanity could be handed to you on a silver platter. Unfortunately, sanity isn't that easy to recieve.
You change. You change so much until the people (or person) that love you can't even look at you the same way. That one person who loves you more than anything will watch you change, until they don't know what to do anymore. They start to loose hope when you do...and when you're scared, all the hope you possess is drained from you. You feel like there's no way out, so you keep doing the things you never intended to do, until you're completely broken.
And that's when you feel the pain. You feel everything, and so does that person that loves you. They feel the pain along with you, but they don't know how to describe it to you, or their friends, or even themselves. They get worried about you, until they break with everything you do to hurt them.
The person you love, they love you right back. But you break them, just as much as you break yourself.
And you make that person wonder, 'does she even love me anymore? Did she ever love me?' Because they can't stand to see the one they love so much crack so many times until they're completely broken. They watch that one person they fell in love with break down into a million pieces of hopelessness and despair, until they're nothing more than just the scattered remains of what they used to be.
But, we didn't notice a thing. We didn't notice the pain we caused each other, and to everyone else around us.
The person I love...they thought they were fine, and that they shouldn't care. They were scared of losing everything, but they would never stop changing themselves. And we always change for the worst, don't we? As I always said...our lives become one big chase, running after the only things that can make us feel somewhat stable for a short period of time. The things we chase after shift from good and helpful things...to things that don't mean shit. Things that just make us worse.
As I stood there, alone in an empty room, I now know that she is gone.
And now I know everything, from the moment we met to the moment she walked out the door. I remember being so excited to finally be happy with her, and I remember thinking that things were going to go back to the way they were supposed to be.
But...little did I know...I was completely, utterly, wrong.
I now know it all, and I was wrong to the fact that I thought everything everything would be okay. I was wrong when I said things would get better, because they didn't. I didn't know that some really great things were just around the corner from us, but those things were only followed by the ones that made her break. As I've said so many times before...there are so many things in this world that can break her.
And, now I finally know, that's exactly what happened.
And not just break her, either. They shattered her.
Just like every other great thing in my life, everything shattered her, and maybe they broke me as well.
As I stood there, friendless and mindless, there are a lot of thing's I'm now aware of.
And, now I finally know, I watched Brooke shatter. And this time, I did absolutely nothing about it.
-
I didn't know what to do, while I stared at the old wooden door that led to the outside world. The outside world was the thing I feared the most, being so terrified of every person that lives in it. I didn't know how to exactly comprehend every emotion that has been shoved inside of me for the past hour. I didn't know how to move. I didn't know how to blink. I didn't know how to even describe to you what I'm feeling. The truth is, I don't have a clue of what I'm feeling at this moment. It's something that I've surely never felt before, and it was the most unabrable feeling that I've ever had.
What do I do? What can I do? How do I do it? How am I supposed to react to this? I'm not sure how long I've been standing here in the same spot, just staring at the door that Brooke had shut behind her, but it was beginning to be much too long. But alas, I don't know how to move. I seemed to have forgotten how to function, because the only thing I did was stand there. That's all I did; I just stood there, like that was the best option for me. Of course it wasn't, but the shock and true realization that I have lost the most important thing in my life was weighing me down.
Yeah, realization was probably the worst part at ths point. I knew that there were so many things that I had to conclude in my head, but only about one thing really stood out to me. We were over. She was gone.
I never thought I would ever actually have to say that. I never thought that she would actually be gone, with our words of pure hatred still hanging in the air. Never in a million years would I ever expect our whole relationship and everything about us to just come crashing down so quickly. I knew that, deep down we have definitely been drifting apart, but I guess I was just too in denial to really do anything about it.
I really am sick and tired of being blamed for every problem that a person has, but she was right. In a way Brooke made perfect sense, because I realize now that I could've stopped us from growing so apart from each other. I would always tell myself that she was fine, but when I look back on everything that has happened between us I now know that I was wrong. She wasn't fine, but I was too dumb to help her.
Still, I have not moved from the very spot I stood in when she left for the very last time. I could feel myself starting to shake again, along with the weakness in my knees starting to give in. Not a single tear has even surfaced my eyes, for my whole body seemed to shut down. I didn't know what to do. I really didn't.
Finally, I got myself to actually move some muslce in my body, and I took a few steps forward. I slowly and weakly walked all the way to the door, staring it down while my eyes still didn't know how to blink. I didn't know how to do anything, except act so blankly and emotionless because that was the only thing left to do. What else could I do besides cry? I wanted to cry, believe me, but I just didn't have the strength to.
I ended up staring at the door knob for quite some time, just trying to wrap my head around the fact that she no longer loves me. I said the same to her, but deep down I didn't mean a word that I said about that. I don't know if Brooke feels the same way, but it still hurts to know that the only thing I could truly say to her and mean in the moment was "I hate you".
Finally, I just didn't want to stand anymore. I didn't want to use any energy at this moment, because I didn't have any strength left inside of me. I threw out every ounce of energy that I once had, yelling out all of the words that had been bottled up inside of me for so long. I turned so my back leaned up against the door, and slid down it so my legs wouldn't have to carry me and all my shame any longer. I slumped down onto the floor and stared at my hands that were still shaking.
It's so obvious as to why they have been shaking this whole time, and that's just another thing that I'm going to have to wrap my head around.
"Hypocrite." I spat at myself. "Fucking hypocrite."
I wasn't supposed to touch her in any way. I wasn't supposed to even get that close to her, knowing that it's things like what we had fought about that really push me over the edge. That's happened before, believe me. But the thing is, it would be with some other person that was pissing me off, or even Michael...back when our friendship ended and he pushed me over the edge. There's a huge difference between punching the guy who used to be my best friend but called me a freak, and doing what I was never supposed to do. I don't even want to think about it, but of course my mind kept replaying the image over and over again. My hand still stung, with the remorisng pain that I plastered against her cheek.
I should've remembered how fucking unstable I am, but in that moment everything just finally cracked for me. Why must people take their anger out physically? Why did I do that so many times with so many people, back before I ever met Brooke?
I wasn't supposed to do that to her. I would never want to do that, but now look at me. I'm nothing but a hypocrite in this situation, doing the thing I hated the most. I didn't mean to hit her. That was never, under any circumstances, ever supposed to happen.
"I didn't m-mean to do it," I stuttered, quietly to my own thoughts. There really was no point in physically speaking anymore, though; I was alone, and she was no longer here. She's never going to come back, and that's something I'm sure of.
Still, not a single tear has actually fallen from my tired eyes. You would think, out of all people, that I would definitely be the one to start balling the moment the door shut behind Brooke, but I have not. I have failed my duties to be a cry baby, because I just didn't have the strength to. I was too weak to even cry, while I put all of my strength to my head. I just need to think this through, really. I need to think everything that Brooke had said through, along with everything I said back. I need to figure out why we each let this happen. Why we became complete and utter strangers to each other.
I glanced up at the clock from where I sat, hugging my knees like a coward, to see that it was only 9:00. It was still so early in the night, with so many more sleepless hours to come. I'm used to the sleeplessness, but now...I don't know. Everything about anything in my life has been ruined, and now my last spark of hope walked out of the room to never come back. With all these facts about myself adding up, I can't see how I'll ever sleep again.
Around 9:10 PM, my head perked up to the sound of the front door unlocking. I slowly threw my head back, resting it against the door and gazing up at the door knob. It shifted around a bit, like someone was trying to get in but I was blocking the way. I already knew it was my grandmother, since she usually gets home at this time. As I got up to my feet to open it for her, I didn't know how to feel. Part of me just wanted to be alone so I could try and process what had just happened, but the rest of me was relieved that someone was here. Maybe the only person that I know still cares about me, nonetheless.
I slowly gripped the door knob and turned it, pulling the door open. It revealed who I thought it would be, which was my grandmother. She stood there with a bright smile on her face, like she always has everytime she comes home. I would usually have the same expression, since I always get excited when she comes home as well. But when our eyes locked, I could tell that I must've looked like shit, since the smile on her face disappeared. Her old eyes looked me up and down, her eyebrows furrowing as she did so.
"Ashton?" she asked, stepping into the room. I backed up, staring down at my feet as she shut the door behind her. Once again, there was an eerie feeling in the air, much like the one that there was when Brooke was here. I could tell that my emotions were going to act up anytime now; Once I finally come out and say what had happened, I knew I was going to finally lose it. It's been so long that my emotions and feelings have been bottling up inside of me, and I just needed someone who could actually care to witness it all pour out.
"Hi." I said, my voice weaker than what I was intending.
"Are you okay?" she asked, taking another step towards me. She looked genuinely concerned, and I didn't know what to do.
"Um...no," I shook my head. I was feeling both reluctant to talk, but also persistant to. They say that the best thing to do when you're upset is to talk to someone, but I'm not upset. I'm so far past upset, and I don't know if I'll be able to talk and sound sane at the same time. I glanced down to the floor once again, crossing my arms over my chest in defense. "I'm uh...I'm not okay."
"What happened?" my grandmother asked. She was now just a few inches away, looking at me contently. She was about my height, if not a few centimeters shorter. In the end I was glad she was here, but terrified of speaking.
"Ashton," she spoke again, for I didn't answer her question. "What the heck happened?"
I didn't know what to say. I don't know what to do.
"Did something happen with Michael?" she questioned me again. She doesn't have a clue that I've also lost my best friend, because I didn't want her to be disappointed with how we each acted when we fought.
Still, I didn't want to say it, the truth. I didn't want to say the very words that I have just lost the person I love the most, because saying it outloud would result to hell knows what.
"Luke? Calum?" she asked again. I just stood there; unable to speak. I just wanted to cry, honestly. That's all I want to do. That's all I ever do.
Finally, my grandmother's face softened, and she had a look of 'catching on' in her eyes. "Oh no," she said quietly. I began to shake, and pathetic tears finally brimmed my eyes.
"Did something happen with Brooke?" she asked. And that was when everything finally just settled in. The reality of lonliness and loss finally hit me, and hit me much harder than I was expecting it to. All at once every muscle in my body began to work, and I started to sob. I've sobbed many times before in my life, but this time was definitely the worst. The only thing I could think of to do was hug her, the only person that maybe still loves me. I probably caught my grandmother by surprise when I broke down and clung to her for dear life, but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't help the tears that I choked on and obvious failure that has been brought up on me. I just wanted someone to hold me, much like Brooke used to do. But what's the point in wanting that? Everything was over; everything was completely shattered.
"I'm so fucking stupid!" I yelled, not paying attention to my horrid choice of words. She doesn't like it when I cuss, but I couldn't help anything right now. I don't even know what to feel, do I feel sadness or anger? I was the mix of them both, mad at so many people but devastated at the same time.
"She's gone, Grammy. She's gone!" I kept going, hugging her frail body to mine. I really hoped that I wasn't crushing her right now or anything, but once again I had no idea how to control myself. I just wanted to be hugged, for that seemed like the only option at this point.
"Ashton," she said worridly. Luckily her arms were around me too, even if I was so much bigger than she was. I felt maybe a tiny sense of comfort, but I knew it was going to be gone eventually.
"Why did I let her do this why didn't I just stop her why did I lose her -"
"Ashton what happened?" my grandmother pulled away, looking up at me with sadness in her eyes. Everything went blury once again, with the stupid emotions pouring out of my eyes. I couldn't even answer her, I just kept on crying with my eyes shut so I wouldn't have to see her looking at me like I was insane. I hate when people look at me like I was inside; I'm not crazy.
"Is she alright?" my grandmother asked me after a few moments.
"I don't know," I said. "B-but she hates m-me and I said that I h-hate her."
"Ashton just calm down," she said, pulling away from me.
"I can't!" I cried, and my voice got louder. "I can't calm down! Don't you get it? Didn't you ever get it? I can't calm down! I can never calm down!"
I honestly didn't mean to shout at her. It's not her fault she doesn't know what the hell just happened, but I don't know how I'm going to be able to tell her without freaking out again. I'm freaking right now, in fact, and I can't stop it. I don't think I'll be able to stop for a very long time.
It all happened way too fast for me. The drifting apart, the fighting, the lonlieness, and the final actions and words that we did and said to each other. I didn't have enough time to fully understand what was going on, and now that everything is finally making sense, it's the worst feeling I've ever had in my entire life. I felt stupid, pathetic, blinded, hopeless, guilty, and broken. Maybe every bad thing that has happened to me recently was just practice for this. Maybe I was supposed to know how pain really feels, so I could be prepared for losing the best thing that has ever happened to me.
But this wasn't a feeling I was used to. Prior to this, I really did think that I knew what pain was, but I now know that I never really did. I never did until now, that is. The pain of losing her and the pain of hurting her both physically and maybe even mentally were the worst parts. It was the worst pain I've ever felt; I could tell now this pain was going to cling to me and never let go. It was going to eat away at me until I finally lose it. If I haven't lost it yet, then sometime soon I will. I needed her, but this whole time I didn't have her. I lost her many months ago, and it took me this long to realize she wasn't the same. Maybe I'm the same way.
I really don't know what to do anymore. At least not right now. I don't know what's going to happen after this, but I can tell it's going to suck. This sucks. I hate this. I can't find any other person to be mad at other than myself, which is the worst person to be mad at right now. I think deserve it though, since everything is fucked up when I could've prevented it. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
I guess life does keep repeating itself. Until it finally shatters, I guess.
-
*Brooke's POV*
I didn't know where to go. Where could I possibly go at this point? I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to go to one of my "friends" houses, but I didn't want to be alone. I don't consider anyone my friend anymore; I don't know what to consider anything anymore.
I sat at a red light in my mother's car, staring blankly at the tail lights of the person infront of me. I didn't have an emotion, a thought, or a way to think. I barely had enough strength to actually drive myself out of here, and as far away from where I had been as possible. I had no idea where I was going, but I'll end up somewhere. Eventually.
I didn't know what to feel, honestly. I didn't know if I should stay angry, stay sad, or stay absolutety cluesless as to how to feel. What could I possibly be feeling right now, when there are so many thoughts and realities swarming around my head? I have been managing to actually move, but only because I just needed to get somewhere. Anywhere would be fine, as long as I wasn't alone.
Going into that, I did not expect everything to just...end. I wanted to yell and say what was on my mind, but that was because I was angry. I was angry with him, yes, but I surely wasn't angry enough to let everything slip away that quickly. That was more than just an argument that everyone gets in with the person they love. That was so much more, actually, but so much worse that what I was expecting. I can't say that I love him, and I know he can't say that about me either.
My heart ached, my stomach churned, my cheek stung, my muslces were weak. I was winded with the reailty that everything about us is screwed up. I know that I have to consistant with my reasons to be angry, but Ashton obviously had some reasons to be angry as well.
At the time, in the mix of all the yelling, screaming and anger, I didn't pay attention to anything he was talking about. I know that I'm supposed to listen, and I'm supposed to be rational with him, and I guess that's just another thing that should have happened. I think Ashton was the same way, because he surely didn't stop while speaking his mind. I could tell those were all things that he's been dying to say for a long time, and it surprised me at how much that he needed to say.
At this point, I don't know who won, who was the stronger person, or if either of us were planning on this happening. I wasn't intending for us to just break up all of a sudden, and even I realize now that I got a little carried away. I know, I was just really pissed that I felt like my whole life was being screwed over...but I didn't mean to get that into it. I didn't mean to taunt him or make fun of him or admit that I had cheated in such a bitchy way. I just got caught up in the moment, as Ashton did the same. I know him more than anyone...or at least, I thought I knew him more than anyone...and I know that he would never intentionally hurt me. Maybe I deserved a slap to the face, but maybe I didn't. I really don't know who deserved what or who went overboard more. I just needed to be comforted, and maybe cry a little. It's been a while since I've scincerely cried, and maybe that's what I need to do to finally feel something and wrap my head around the fact that he's never coming back. I'm never coming back. Niether of us are ever coming back.
Coming back to what, though? Honestly, what did we ever have? We used to have something extremely special, but what happened? I don't know who's fault this is anymore. I need to think about Ashton's side of the situation as well. Even though I told myself that I was right, deep down I knew that it was only fair to pay attention to Ashton's words as well. Especially after all of that, it would be impossible to not let Ashton's words burrow their ways into my mind. But, for right now, I was far too tired and emotionless to think about anything.
-
About 20 minutes later, I found myself pulling onto a street that I haven't been on in a very long time. I didn't even realize it until I turned onto it, and I've been driving like a zombie the whole time. I haven't been paying attention, I've just been going and going and letting my subconscience guide me to a destination. I was confused on why I chose to go here out of all places, but I could also see the connections.
I pulled up to the curb infront of Jessie's house, keeping my actions quiet. It was getting late, but not late enough to disturb her. I'm sure she stays up late just like any other teenager would do on the weekend, and I only hoped that she was actually home.
I guess I should have listened to Jessie in the first place, since she did try to warn me about Ashton so many times. At first I thought she was being ridiculous, and I still kind of do, but now I can see where she was coming from.
But I was desperate at the moment, and I feel like Jessie would understand if I told her what ended up happening between Ashton and I. I feel like there are a lot of connections between us, especially now that Ashton and I are through. I hope that she won't give me more death stares and talk shit to me; maybe she'll be extatic that my first love was over.
You don't love him. I thought to myself. You hate him, and he hates you. Get used to it.
I slowly walked up the steps of Jessie's front porch, telling myself to just turn around and leave. Jessie and I are supposed to hate each other, too. So why the hell am I here? I know there's nowhere else to go, but the closer I got to the front door the more stupid this decision was becoming.
I stared at the large white door, eyeing it like it was challenging me to quit being a wuss and knock. Maybe she will be able to help, and maybe she would be my shoulder to cry on. I was starting to shake with emotion, and I could tell that in any moment I was going to burst.
I finally reached out and clenched my fist together, patting a few quick knocks agaisnt the door. I hoped that it was loud enough, and that Jessie would be answering it in a matter of seconds. I remember the last time it was here, and it was when I had confronted her about her past with Ashton. That was so long ago, I couldn't remember all of the details. All I know is that she flipped out when I told her Ashton was my boyfriend, and that was the day that our friendship had ended. It was sad to think about everything back then, for it was before everything went downhill for me. Before everything was altered and changed for the worst.
My ears perked and my heart pounded when the front door finally swung open, with the sight of my old friend standing there in a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt. My eyes collided with Jessie's, and for a long time we just stood there gaping at each other. I had my hands grabbing onto one another behind my back, while Jessie was gripping her front door so hard that I noticed the tips of her fingers turning white. It's been so long since I've been face to face with her, and us being the only ones around...but she looked exactly the same. Long blonde hair and icey blue eyes, I always thought that Jessie was really pretty. I'm not surprised that her and Ashton apparently did "a lot" together.
After a while, Jessie closed her slightly opened mouth, clearing her throat. "Brooke?"
"Um...hi," I said, staring down at the ground now. I felt awkward, like I shouldn't have come here and that she shouldn't see the still painful scratch on my cheek. I really wish that Ashton had shorter nails, and maybe a little self-control. But maybe I need some self-control, too.
"What are...um, what are you doing here?" she asked, her voice quiet. All I could do was shrug, and scold myself for being so uncomfortable.
"I just...I was in the neighborhood," I chuckled lightly. "Thought I would stop by."
"Riiight," Jessie replied, stressing out the "i" sound. I knew that she could tell I was bullshitting, but I had no idea how to address any of this. How to I just come out and explain what had happened? What even is anything anymore?
"...Okay," I sighed, now glancing up at the light that hung over her porch. It was more than hot out tonight, and the desert air was making me sweat even more. I was so nervous to be here, but also on the verge of sobbing my eyes out. "I didn't come here to just stop by."
"Then why are you here?" she asked. She sounded quite worried, actually. I'm sure she could tell that I was beyond devastated, and I'm sure the truth was going to come out soon. I just shrugged again.
"Brooke," Jessie spoke, stepping outside and shutting her door behind her. I took a step back, not wanting to get too close. I felt like anything could trigger the crying, and I didn't know what to do. I felt ashamed to be here, bothering her with my problems.
"You don't sound too good," Jessie said. "Are you alright?"
"Um...n-no," I stuttered. I could feel the hot tears brimming my eyes, but I sucked them back with a quiet sniffle. I could feel Jessie's concern, but I just didn't know what to do.
"What happened?" she asked. I just shook my head, yelling at myself for coming here. I didn't want to admit it, not to anyone. I didn't want to finally hear the words outloud, that everything about Ashton and I was over.
"...Oh shit," Jessie said after a few minutes. I could tell by her tone that she had finally caught on, as if there would ever be any other reason why I showed up here. I glanced at her briefly, before turning away once again and shutting my eyes. Tears were battling against my eyelids, begging to finally fall down my face in a hysterical frenzy.
"Brooke," she persisted. "Answer me."
"What," I sniffled. Just say it so I don't have to.
"Did something happen between you and Ashton?" she asked. And that was when I finally lost it, finally coming to the full reality that everything was over. All at once I broke into tears, the sobs coming out louder than they ever have before. I just needed a hug, so my only option here was to wrap my arms around my old friend, hugging her to me like she was my life line. My own shame in the fact that I had lost the best thing that has ever happened to me was the worst thing to feel. It was something that I've never felt before, and the pain was unbarable.
I didn't know what to do anymore. Now that I'm sure that he is gone, I don't know if I did the right thing. But what else could I have done? How could I have controlled my anger and desire to yell at him? And how could he have done the same?
So, I just cried. I cried like a little baby, bawling the hardest I ever have before. Luckily, I felt Jessie's arms come around me, and I felt a tad bit of relief that she's not yelling at me or laughing at me. It would be even worse if she was to go off about how she had been right all along, and I prayed that she won't do that at all.
"I don't know what h-happened," I stuttered, sucking back tears but only letting the fall out once again. "I d-don't know why we just -"
"Brooke," Jessie said. "Slow down. What happened?"
"He's gone, Jessie. He's gone!" I yelled, but maybe I was only yelling at myself. I was yelling at my whole situation, because I really don't know if I did the right thing. I shouldn't have been so harsh. I should have listened. Maybe Ashton should have done the same...but niether of us did. And now look at what happened.
"Is he alright?" she asked, pulling away from me. Her worried eyes scanned over my face, and widened even more when she looked at my cheek. I could guess the stinging skin was still red, for I've never felt something hit me that hard before. Even when Nick did it, back when I thought we had something going, it wasn't half as painful as this particular blow.
"What the hell is that?" she asked in a hushed yell. While I continued to try and stop crying, Jessie gently turned my head to the side, inspecting my face under the porch light. I shut my eyes and let tears fall, not wanting to look at her looking at me like this. I felt ashamed about it.
"P-please Jessie I need to t-talk to someone," I whimpered. I was making far too much noise out here, and I just wanted to calm down. This has all hit me very badly, and it made my emotions go crazy. I don't know what to feel, still.
"Okay okay," Jessie assured, pulling me towards her front door.
"Is anyone h-home?" I asked. I really needed to stop crying before I enter her house if anyone's there.
"My mom," she answered. "My dad is out on a business dinner. It's fine, you can come inside."
"N-no I sound p-pathetic," I vigorously shook my head, stepping away from the door. I was also ashamed to be acting like this, especially when it was my original idea to confront him. My thoughts have been so conflicting; am I right or am I wrong? Was I too hard on him or was I rational? Is all of this my fault in the end? But I said it wasn't my fault...? I don't know whats going on.
"Okay," Jessie nodded. "We can stay out here until you calm down. It's alright."
"Thank you." I mumbled, and I began to cry some more.
-
It was around 10:30 PM that Jessie and I were finally making our way up her staircase and to her room. She had told her mother that I needed a place to stay, and I had to agree with that one. I still didn't want to go home, thats for sure. And I can't think of anywhere else I want to go, so here is just fine with me.
Jessie quietly shut the door behind us, and I slowly sat down on her bed. I looked around the room awkwardly, waiting for Jessie to join me and remembering how long its been since I've been in here. Jessie sat down across from me, looking me up and down while I prepared to spill out everyting. I wanted to talk about everything. Literally everything.
"Okay," Jessie sighed. "So what happened?"
"We just...we just broke up," I explained. "Just like that."
"What do you mean, just like that?"
"Just...so quickly. We were arguing and then we just ended things. We didn't even make it official, but we made it clear that we just hate each other."
"Why did you guys fight?" Jessie asked. I was definitely a little hesitant to answer that one, since I had no idea how to fully explain why. I usually don't like admitting I'm wrong, but I know I'm going to have to. Jessie looked at me for an answer, and I finally took a deep breath and sighed it all out.
"You were right," I said. Jessie's eyes widened a little bit more, and I could tell she knew what I was talking about. I knew that she could remember all the things she warned me about, and I bet she's been waiting for this day to come. "He's...yeah."
"He's yeah?" Jessie asked, tilting her head to the side.
"You know what I mean," I replied. "You've warned me about it before."
"I know, I know," Jessie sighed. "I've been noticing it."
"Noticing what?"
"Just...how everything was panning out," Jessie said. "From all the things I heard about you, him, and how I saw you act, I saw this coming."
Her words made my stomach flip with worry. Of course I've always known that people talk about me, but now it disgusts me that it was probably all really bad things. I can't see how anyone could talk about me and not call me harsh things; things that I never wanted to be called.
"Erm, right," I nodded. "Look, I'm just... I don't know. I'm sorry."
I took another deep breath, and I began to really open up to her. I never thought that I would ever rant to Jessie, especially since it's been so long since we've spoken to one another, but I couldn't help it. I started to talk, and finally explain myself without freaking out or crying over it.
Jessie sat there, staring at me patiently and contently, as I explained everything. I told her how Ashton and I first met, what it was like to be around him when we barely knew each other...I told her about all the things we used to do together, all the things we've told each other, and every happy memory that I have with him. I told her about how we used to build forts together, burn the pancakes everytime we tried to make them, how I used to wake him up every morning...I told her what would happen if either of us had a bad dream, what it was like to see each other every morning at school, all the times we made each other laugh. I explained to her what happened with my parents, how Ashton stuck up for me that one night we were supposed to have a friendly dinner so my mom and dad could get to know him, and how we fled to California just a week later. I told her so many things, because I couldn't stop myself. I just kept talking and talking, and with every word I said my heart ached. It was so painful to rethink about all of these memories, especially when Ashton and I walked out on each other no more than two hours ago.
And then, I told Jessie all the bad. I started with all my stupid worries that I had in the beginning, the way I found the things that Ashton and I used to do so helpful to me, how everything in my mind got worse. I told her how I became friends with Leila, became the spitting image of her, and everything else that made me who I am today. Every now and then Jessie would say that she had heard about a certain "thing" I did or "party" I went to around school, and that only made me feel worse. I explained everything to her, hoping she'll be able to tell me what to do or how to fix this. Lastly, I explained what happened in our fight, and why I showed up her doorstep so randomly.
"And that's why I am here," I finished. "Because of that. All of that."
"...Shit," Jessie breathed. I had finished my story, and that was all I wanted to say about it. If I was to keep talking, I was going to start sobbing again.
"Yeah," I said quietly. I no longer had the courage to look her in the eyes, so I stared down at my hands in my lap. "So, that's that."
Jessie was quiet for a while, and I could see her awkwardly shifting in her seat across from me. I couldn't tell what emotion she had at the moment, and when I looked back up at her I still couldn't read the look on her face. She didn't meet my gaze, instead she stared upward at the ceiling. I stayed silent and waited for her to say something, just anything that could help me feel better. But she didn't say a thing for a very long time.
"Right," she finally spoke, clearing her weak voice. "Mhm."
"What?" I asked. "Did you understand what I had said?"
"What? Yeah," Jessie quickly nodded. "I understood."
"So, what do I do?" I desperately asked. I really needed some advice right now.
"I...I don't know," Jessie sighed and shook her head. She leaned to the side a little, and unfortunately stared at my cheek once again. Her eyes narrowed, as she looked at the exposed and aching skin. I'm not planning on looking in a mirror anytime soon. The very last thing I wanted to see whatever mark Ashton had left on the side of my face. If it looks as bad as it feels...I never ever want to see it at all.
"Did he really do that?" Jessie asked in a hushed tone. I was once again too weak to talk. I just nodded my head, and Jessie looked very surprised.
"Wow," she said in disbelief.
"I don't know," I shrugged. I tired to act like it didn't make me feel terrible, but it really did. "Maybe I deserved it."
"No you didn't -" Jessie tried to say.
"Well Ashton didn't deserve to be cheated on." I stated. The more I think about that, the more I feel as though I really did deserve a slap to the face. The only reason why I was so nonchalant to tell Ashton what I had done, was because I wanted him to know that I wasn't scared of him anymore. That whole argument, I just didn't want to seem weak, and the intensity of my own anger helped me out with that. In the moment I didn't care about what I said to him, but now that it's all over, it felt really shitty.
"...Right." Jessie said, just as awkwardly as before. I tilted my head to the side, confused on her odd tone. I felt as though she was definitely thinking of something, but I don't know what it could be.
"So...you...he - um," she stuttered. "You hate him?"
"Y-yeah," I stuttered back. I don't hate him. But he hates me...so I should hate him, right? He said it himself; he was the first one to drop the "H" bomb. So I should hate him, right? I really wish I knew the answer, but I'm clueless with everything right now. My thoughts keep changing, the more I think about what happened.
"I guess I do." I finished. I wanted to cry, but I told myself to hold off on the crying for now. Jessie slowly nodded her head, and I wanted the conversation to come to an end. I didn't want to talk about this anymore. I hate this.
"Well," Jessie said. "We should talk in the morning."
"What?" I asked. "What do you mean?"
"Well...you look tired," she said lightly. Instantly I could tell Jessie felt the same way that I did: not wanting to discuss this anymore. "Can you spend the night?"
"Mhm," I nodded. She was right, I was extremely tired. "My mom doesn't have work tomorrow so I don't think she'll care that I have her car."
"You sure?" Jessie asked, getting up off of her bed. I nodded, and followed her to the door. She led me back downstairs, and we ended up in her living room where she flicked the lights on.
"We can sleep on the couch," she offered.
"No it's okay," I assured. "You don't have to sleep down here. And...I don't know. I kind of want to be alone."
Jessie nodded her head in understanding. "Okay. There's a few blankets over there, and in the morning I'll try and help you figure this all out."
"Okay," I said, giving her a slight smile. "Thank you, Jessie."
"You're welcome." Jessie smiled back. We said goodnight, and in a matter of seconds I was left alone in her living room. I hoped that it was alright if I crashed on her family's couch, but I was far too tired to find any other place to sleep tonight. I slowly sat down on the edge of the couch, my mind back to being blank as a white wall.
I don't know how to think of all of this. I don't know if I made the right decision, if Ashton made the right decision, or if anything was ever going to be the same. If I could go back and change the ways that I said some things, then I definitely would...but there's no way to change the past. I'm dreading school on monday, seeing all of my old friends, breaking connections with my current friends, and just being...well, like this.
I finally settled in for the night, not caring that I'm still in the clothes I wore the whole day today. It's been a very long day, and all I wanted to was go to sleep. Maybe sleep would help me clear my head, because this was all too much to take in at once.
The worst feeling that I have, and that I'm going to have for a very long time...is the feeling of being just me. I'm just me, and it's not the same when I can't consider Ashton as part of my life anymore. I realize now that I definitely did take some of our relationship for granted, because now that its all over...it was the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I don't know what's to come after this, but I can't imagine it going any further down hill. I've definitely hit rock bottom, and losing Ashton was the worst part.
Why do I now realize that losing him was the worst part? Why didn't I realize that before, when we were yelling and screaming at each other? I guess we both just got too caught up in the moment, and now everything is ruined. Maybe we can turn things around, but I think it's going to be a lot of time before any of us get the courage to try and make things right. I am mad at him, yes, but in all honesty I'm more devastated than anything.
It took me a long time to finally go to bed. It ended up being another night of a pathetic sleep, one that was just as bad as the night before. But in the end, I just hoped that Ashton was okay.