Charlie
I was afraid to look at it. As soon as I had finished taking the test, I grabbed it and took off out of the bathroom, heading deeper back into the prison. The last thing I needed was one of the new faces walking in on me, watching as I paced the bathroom and waited to find out the answer to what felt like one of the most important questions of my life. Instead, I sat back against a wall in an empty hallway. I stretched my legs out in front of me, balancing the test on my knee. My heartbeat had yet to slow since the moment I’d grabbed the test from the shelf at the store. If anything, it had gotten faster.
How long had it been? I couldn’t be sure. I desperately didn’t want to look down, though. I knew that once I did, either everything or nothing would change. I closed my eyes for a long minute, taking in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. When I finally felt as close to being calm as I figured I would ever be, I opened my eyes looked down at my lap.
Two little blue lines.
I felt my breath catch in my throat. Positive. It was positive. “I’m pregnant.” I whispered and the words sounded hallowed and strange as they broke the silence of the empty hallway. “I’m pregnant.” I said again, louder. I swallowed hard over the lump in my throat, trying to force back the tears but they were suddenly streaming down my cheeks.
The test clattered to the concrete floor. I pressed both hands against my mouth to stifle the sound of my crying. For the first time in a long time, I felt a fear unlike anything else. I felt lost and unsure. Now what was I supposed to do? Trying to stay alive was hard enough, but now it was suddenly about more than just that. I was going to have a child, I was going to have to find a way to raise a baby in this sort of world. If I lived even that long. My thoughts had sunk back to Lori again. I remembered her stomach, big and round. I remembered the constant fear that she wouldn’t live through childbirth…and she hadn’t. Now that was suddenly my reality as well.
How was I going to do this? More than that, how was I going to tell Daryl? We should’ve been more careful, but that had always been the last thing on my mind when we were together. We were so careful in every other aspect of life that it wasn’t something either of us ever thought much about. His brother had just died this morning and now I was going to have to drop this on him. There was no doubt in my mind that I had to tell him tonight. I couldn’t do this alone. I needed him.
“Charlie?”
I jumped at the sudden sound of another voice and pulled my hands away from my face to see Carol coming around the corner. I watched as her eyes drifted from me to the fallen pregnancy test on the ground. “It’s positive.” I choke out in between tears.
She didn’t say a word, instead dropping to my side and pulling me into her arms. For some reason, this made the tears come harder until my entire body felt like it was shaking. I could feel her stroking my hair and it reminded me of something my mom would’ve done, had she still been here. “It’s okay, Charlie. You’re not going to do this alone.” I heard her say softly.
“I’m scared.” I managed to say in a hushed stammer. It sounded like such a childish thing to say, but I couldn’t think of any other word to describe how I felt. I was terrified. This was something I knew nothing about, something I hadn’t really ever worried about before. Having a child before the end of the world had seemed hard enough. In this world, though, it seemed impossible.
“Listen to me. People have been having children for thousands of years, before doctors and before hospitals. I’m not promising you this will be easy because it won’t be. But you will live through this and you don’t know how worth it it’ll be when it’s all said and done…I didn’t mean to get pregnant with Sophia, but she was the best thing I ever did and I don’t regret it for a single minute.” Carol said. Her voice was quiet, but firm. “You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, Charlie.”
I felt the tears finally slow. I felt like a wrung out sponge. There wasn’t anything left in me to cry out. I used my shirt to wipe my face, but my cheeks still felt sticky with the salty residue. I gave Carol a small, grateful smile. “Thanks, Carol…sorry to put all this on you. I usually try pretty damn hard to not be such a mess.” I pulled myself out of her warm arms and sat back up, pushing my hair back from my face.
“You don’t have to thank me. You have every right to be a mess about this. Having a child changes everything, but you can do it.” She said. She sounded so strong and reassuring. I almost believed that I could do this. That I would be okay. “When are you going to tell Daryl?”
I let out a shaky sigh. “Tonight. No point in putting it off.”
Carol gave me a sympathetic smile. “I think you’ll feel better once you tell him. You both need each other right now. Even if he doesn’t quite realize that.”
“I hope you’re right.” I muttered. “I still can’t believe this is happening.” Sure enough, though, the positive test, with its vivid blue lines, laid next to me on the ground. I felt calmer, though, than I had all day. I supposed that had a lot to do with finally knowing, and finally accepting that this was real and the only thing left to do was deal with it head on. I knew I couldn’t spend the next nine months feeling terrified, and letting that fear control me.
“One day at a time.” Carol reminded me.
“How did you find me back here anyways? I was trying to make sure that didn’t happen.” I said after a moment, a tiny smile on my lips.
“Daryl asked me to check up on you when you disappeared so quickly.” Carol admitted, an amused look in her eyes.
I felt my eyebrows shoot up. “He did?”
“He did...so clearly despite whatever the hell is going on inside his head, he’s still thinking about you and worried about you.” She said. “And I had my own guesses as to where I could find you.”
I was silently thankful that Daryl had sent Carol to find me instead of coming himself. Despite how badly I wanted and needed him right now, he didn’t need to see me like this. More than that, I didn’t want him to see it. When I told him what was going on, I wanted to be calm. I wanted to be as level headed has possible, not in the middle of a breakdown.
“I think I’m better now.” I finally said. “Thank you, Carol. Seriously. If you weren’t here, I’m not sure I would’ve survived finding that out.”
“I already told you not to thank me.” She answered. She rubbed my shoulder gently before pulling herself to her feet. “You ready to come back?”
I chewed on my lower lip for a moment before shaking my head. “I think I’ll just stay here a while. I should probably think about how I’m going to tell Daryl before actually doing it.”
“Just be careful alone back here. I’ll see you later, honey.” Carol gave me one last gentle smile before turning on her heel and disappearing around the corner.
The silence settled in around me once again. I grabbed the test from the ground. “I guess you’re in there after all.” I murmured, glancing down at my stomach.
I had a human being growing inside of me. It was a strange thought. I was still terrified, but I was calm on the surface. But I also was starting to feel something else…a little bit of hope. I was going to need that to get through the next couple of months. Not to mention to get through telling Daryl he was going to be a dad. God, that was an even weirder thought than before. Daryl as a dad. I felt myself smiling a little, amusing myself with the thought. At least I could be sure about one thing…the kid was going to be more protected than anyone else on the planet.
::::
I finally picked myself up off the floor, making sure to take the test with me. The last thing I needed was for someone to find it lying around and start making assumptions. I still didn’t really have a clue about what I was going to say to Daryl, or how to even bring it up, but it was better than sitting there alone. First things first, I had to get him to actually talk. The last two times I had tried, he’d completely shut down. It reminded me of how he’d acted after our first kiss. It seemed so long ago now, but in reality it had only been a few months. That time, I’d waited for him to come to me. This time, I couldn’t afford to sit by and wait for him to realize he was sorry.
It was mostly quiet when I made it back to the cellblock. A few voices murmured from down the hall and I realized most of the new Woodbury people were probably sleeping in the common area. Until we managed to clean out an entirely new cellblock, things would be cramped in here for a while. I took the steps quietly to the second floor, the handrails cold underneath my palms. Daryl’s cell was empty, though. I hovered in the doorway, unsure if I should go looking for him or just go back to my own room until I heard him. Instead, though, I crossed the room and took a seat on the bed. I tucked my legs underneath me and settled back against the wall.
It turned out I didn’t have to wait long. It felt like no real amount of time had passed before I heard the sound of his heavy footsteps as he made his way down the empty corridor. I felt myself tense as he appeared in the doorway. He froze and I watched his expression flicker from surprised to guarded in about half a second.
“Hey.” I said quietly. I scooted towards the edge of the bed, dangling my legs over the side.
He cleared his throat as he walked into the room, setting his crossbow down on the chair in the corner. “Hey.” He finally answered in a low, gruff voice. I waited a second, almost positive he was going to ask me to leave. Instead, though, he leaned back against the opposite wall and crossed his arms over his chest. Despite the front he was putting on, his eyes gave him away. I could tell he was hurting, either from Merle or our argument or both, I didn’t know.
“Daryl…” I began slowly, but my voice trailed off. I realized that despite all the time I’d spent thinking about it, I had no idea what to say. “You have to talk to me. You can’t just suddenly shut me out. I thought we were through with that crap.”
“Ain’t nothin’ to talk about.” He answered shortly. “I know I shouldn’t have said what I did, but you kept pushin’.”
I raised both my eyebrows. “I wasn’t trying to push anything. You know that.” I said carefully. I could suddenly feel the tension between us and I hated it. I didn’t want this to turn into another argument. One that ended in us sleeping in separate beds, alone.
“Well it sure as hell felt like it.” He snapped.
“What was I supposed to do? This isn’t just about you anymore. You can’t just go running away from your problems like you used to because then you’re running away from me too.” I shot back, gripping the edge of the mattress tightly with both hands.
I watched as he let out a breath, running a hand through his hair. “I ain’t runnin’ away, Charlie. I’m dealin’ with it the only way I know how. Sorry if you don’t like it.”
I was on my feet before I could stop myself, fighting back to the sudden burst of frustration that felt like it was burning a hole through me. “That’s bullshit and you know it! You’ve always done this, Daryl! Ever since we were kids…You did it when your mama died, when Merle went off to jail, when I left for college!” My voice grew in volume, but I suddenly didn’t care. “Hell, you did it a few months ago! Remember?” I saw the look that flickered across his face. Of course he remembered. He finally admitted his feelings to me only to shut down seconds later, leaving me standing outside the prison alone and confused. “You swore you wouldn’t do this to me again! Now that-“
“Now that what, Charlie?” He cut me off midsentence. “You know that I love you and that ain’t about to change. But you can’t help me with this. I need to do this alone!”
“No, you don’t. You’re choosing to do it alone!” I shot back. “I know what it’s like to lose family. If you want to close yourself off from everyone else, fine. But don’t you dare keep doing it to me!”
“You don’t get it!” His voice echoed off the cement walls. “I just lost the only family that I had left!”
“Maybe you don’t realize it, but I cared about Merle, too! I am so sorry you lost him, Daryl. I thought Gabe was dead once upon a time, too. Remember?” I said, struggling to keep my voice even.
“Yeah, but he wasn’t! That’s the difference, Charlie. You don’t really know how it feels because Gabe’s alive and Merle’s dead!” He answered, cutting me off.
I winced at the sharpness of his voice, but I didn’t back down this time. “Then tell me how it feels, Daryl! Or better yet, just let me be there for you! Let me take care of you for once!”
“Ya’ don’t get it.” He repeated, his voice more quiet this time as he shook his head. “I don’t need you to take care of me, I can handle it on my own.”
“Listen to me! I am sorry you lost him. I am. Maybe you don’t need me to take care of you. But I’m still here and I do need you!” I saw his face fall as I stood there, fists clenched tight as drew in a shaky breath. I felt my frustration, my anger suddenly start to fade. “I need you, Daryl. Especially now.” I whispered.
I watched as his eyebrows furrowed together, the guarded expression suddenly falling away. “Especially now?” He repeated quietly. “What the hell does that even mean, Charlie?” I averted my gaze to the ground, studying the dirty laces of my boots. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. That what I was about to say was true.
The lump in my throat was back. I ducked my head so he couldn’t see the glassiness of the tears that I was holding back. “Forget it.” I whispered and as I thought about what I’d been working up the courage to tell him, I felt drained. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I didn’t want to have to deal with any of this. I just wanted to curl up and forget it all. I moved to walk past him and he suddenly was blocking my path.
“Charlie?” He asked again. I felt his calloused fingers suddenly underneath my chin, gently forcing me to look up at him. My resolve crumbled when I saw the mixed look of concern and confusion in his eyes, our fight, our harsh words suddenly forgotten.
“Daryl, I’m pregnant.” I said weakly. My voice fell away at the last word and it came out barely above a whisper.
I watch as my words registered on his face. He went pale, his eyes growing wide. He shook his head. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out and he quickly shut it again. I pushed away from him and dropped back down on the bed, my head in my hands.
“You’re…you’re what?” I heard him ask. Daryl Dixon speechless. If the moment hadn’t felt so heavy and serious, I might’ve laughed.
“Pregnant.” I said in a muffled voice. I lifted my head just in time to see the dazed expression on his face as he sagged back against the wall.
“You sure?” He asked in a hoarse voice, after a long moment of silence had lapsed.
I nodded and pulled the test from my pocket. “I’m sure. But I have another one I can take if you don’t believe me.”
I watched as his eyes jumped from my face to the thin strip of plastic in my hand. “How long you know?” He asked.
“Not very long. I just took the test.” I said before taking in a deep, shaky breath. “It wasn’t even until this morning that I had any idea I might be.”
“Jesus, Charlie.” He mumbled, the stunned expression still on his face. He leaned his head back against the wall and shut his eyes.
“I know.” I said quietly. “It’s not the best timing, is it?”
His eyes snapped open. Even from my spot on the bed I could see how blue they were. “Whatdya mean?” He asked.
“Merle just died today. For days now it’s been one thing after another, Daryl.” I said. “It’s like all of the sudden life has turned into a very long list of bad things that keep happening.”
“This ain’t a bad thing, Charlie.” Daryl suddenly said. “Is that what you think?”
I sighed. “I don’t know what to think. I’m just scared, Daryl.” My voice grew soft. There’s about a million things that could go wrong.”
He pushed himself away from the wall and sat down on the bed next to me. He was close enough for me to feel the warmth of his body. I desperately wanted to throw my arms around him and forget that we had spent the entire day on edge. He reached out and brushed a tear from my cheek with his thumb. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. “Come here.” He said gruffly and I felt his arms encircle me, pulling me back down onto the bed with him. I immediately curled into his side, nuzzling my face into his chest and breathing in his familiar, musky scent.
“I’m sorry.” I finally said, my voice quiet.
I could hear the confusion in his voice when he answered. “’Bout what? You don’t got nothin’ to be sorry about. It’s me that’s sorry.” He said. “The way I’ve been treatin’ you isn’t right.”
“No, but I don’t wanna fight with you anymore about it. I can’t.” I said quietly. “I spent the last couple of hours trying to figure out how to tell you.”
“You were afraid to tell me?” He asked and I felt his hand, which had been tracing patterns up and down the bare skin of my arm, suddenly stop.
I nodded. “Yes.” I said in a whisper.
“You don’t gotta be afraid to tell me nothin’.”
“But after earlier today-”
He shook his head, cutting me off. “I was an idiot today. It ain’t easy for me to admit to bein’ wrong, but I was.” I felt his lips brush against the top of my head. “You ain’t the only one that’s afraid, Charlie. I spend all my damn time as it is worryin’ ‘bout you, tryin’ to keep you safe.”
I carefully shifted against him, propping myself up on one arm so I could see his face. “Then don’t shut me out anymore. I wasn’t kidding when I said I needed you, Daryl.” I leaned in closer, pressing my lips against the scruff that covered his chin.
“It ain’t gonna happen again. No matter what, I’m here.” I closed my eyes as I felt his lips brush the top of my hair. “You won’t be doin’ this alone, baby girl.” He answered.
“I know.” I sighed against him. “Every time I feel like something bad might happen, I just keep thinking about what you told me when Judith was about to be born…that no matter what happens this baby is gonna be loved by a whole lot of people. Hopefully that can help make up for bringing a kid into this shitty version of the world.”
“Judith is just fine, our baby’ll just fine too.” Daryl added and I tried to ignore the falter in my heartbeat at the phrase ‘our baby’. I felt his hand suddenly glide down my back and along my hip. He gently nudged me onto my back and I felt my heartbeat faltered again as he pressed his hand over my stomach. “I just hope like hell I can be a better father than my daddy was to me.”
“Daryl Dixon, if there’s one thing we don’t have to worry about. It’s that.” I said, lifting my head to press my lips to his. His lips were soft, the kiss gentle as his mouth moved against mine slowly, perfectly.
“Love you, Charlie.” He said quietly, after pulling away.
“I love you, too.” I answered before brushing my lips over his a third time.
::
Author's Note:
I put this at the end because I didn't want it to take away from how important this chapter is. You guys, this might be my last update for a little while. I'm starting student teaching next week and all my focus and time needs to be on that and I really, really hope you all understand that. This story is far from over and I promise to start updating again as soon as I can, probably around December. But if I find time in between, I'll be writing. Think of this is the end of part one, and in a few months you can not only expect part two but a Dean Winchester fanfiction as well! Thanks for all your support and love, and I hope you guys will stick around while the real world steals me away for a little while. I'll still be around if anyone wants to chat or swap stories or anything!
Love you, biscuits!
-Nikki