Two days after contemplating to go meet Zaid, I finally gathered my courage back and invited him for lunch outside so we could talk in private. Hamza was still in Naran with Karim Sir. When I arrived back home from Naran, I called him to tell him that he should inform his parents about what happened to him and he agreed. I knew he didn't want to make his parents worry about him but they needed to know, just how we would want to know if something happens to out family. His parents were now in Naran with him and since he was busy with his family, I didn't get a chance to tell him that I was going to see Zaid.
I was on my phone when the chair across from me moved and I looked up and saw Zaid watching me.
'Sorry I am late' Zaid was dressed in a plain blue-collar shirt and black pants.
'That's okay' I put my phone down and waited for him to take a seat.
'How was the camp?' He asked me straight away.
'Eventful...there was a protest going on in that area, so we had some trouble but thankfully we arrived back safely' I told him.
'Hmm...' He nodded and went silent. Thankfully the waiter arrived just in time to break the awkwardness and I got some time to play out the conversation in my head one more time. There was no easy way for me to break this engagement.
'I want to talk to you about something Zaid' I spoke clearly as soon as the waiter left after taking our order.
'Me too...there is something I want to discuss with you as well' He broke his eye contact with me and looked down on the table. Just then my eyes moved to his hands and I noticed he wasn't wearing his engagement ring either.
'You first' I said to him and he remained silent.
'Zaid' I said his name and he finally looked up at me and his expression took me off guard. There were tears building up in his eyes and that I was the last things I was expecting from him. Why was he crying?
'I am sorry Ayat' His voice sounded so broken when he said that. I felt like he was a completely different person as opposed to just minutes ago.
'What's wrong?' I felt anxious from his behavior.
'I can't do this to do...you don't deserve it, I haven't been honest with you...there is something that I have been keeping away...' There was guilt in his eyes. For what? I didn't know.
'I have a gambling addiction Ayat' He said it too quickly and the way he said it sounded like he hated himself for even saying it out loud. I was too shocked to respond to him.
'Since when?' I asked him after he went quiet.
'Few years...before our engagement' He didn't make an eye contact with me during this conversation.
'Why didn't you say anything back then?' I questioned him.
'Because I thought it wasn't a big deal...I didn't think it was an addiction until a few weeks ago before I...'He stopped.
'Before you what Zaid?' I got scared from asking this question, but I was also curious.
'Things are not going well for me Ayat and I can't drag you into my life' He replied instead.
'What made you tell me all this now after all this time?' I couldn't help but ask.
'My problems can't be solved quickly Ayat and the last thing I want to do is commit you into this relationship that I know will only strain you...my mother thought that getting me married will solve the problem, but I know it won't help me. They don't get it...they think once I get married that it wouldn't be so bad, but they are wrong...it will only get worse if I marry you. I know what addictions can do...I have seen it firsthand...and sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I just don't want you to waste your time on me.' His words broke my heart and I couldn't keep myself from crying. I always he thought he had a perfect life, but right now when all the walls were down, I saw Zaid as a new person for the first time.
'Don't cry for me Ayat...believe me, I am not a saint. I have done my fair share of sins...but I think asking you to be with me and you obligating me and my family will only make me resent myself more.' He finally looked up at me and a sad smile appeared on his face.
'Did you talk to your parents?' I asked him.
'I told them I'll be meeting you today to ...you know' He stopped when the waiter walked to our table with our food.
'Thanks for telling me the truth' I was seriously grateful that even if he didn't know me that well he still saw me as someone he could trust.
'You deserved to know this from the beginning Ayat.' He replied.
'Maybe it wasn't the right time then' I smiled at him.
'Thanks for understanding...What did you want to tell me?' He turned the question to me.
'Please don't think that I am saying this to you after you told me about your...issue...you know...I just don't think we are right for each other...I always felt like we were forced into this relationship and we really didn't care to know about each other.' I wasn't completely satisfied with my words. After all, he told me about his life and his addiction, I felt like my words were falling short. I wish I could say something more to ease the situation, but it was too tensed at this point.
'I get it...you don't have to explain yourself, we both have doubts in our mind and I have my issues that I need to work on...I guess the main reason why I wanted to meet you alone is to apologize you if you had any feelings for me but I can clearly see that you don't which lessened my guilt slightly because at least I know I didn't hurt your feelings.' He seemed to understand my emotions.
'If there is anything I can do to help...' I started.
'Pray for me' He laughed but I knew he was using that as a coping mechanism to shield his shame.
'Have you told anyone else about it?' I asked him.
'Just you and my parents...' He sighed.
'It takes a lot of strength to own up to this Zaid, especially if you have strained or broken relationships along the way. But also know that many others have been in your shoes and have been able to break the habit and rebuild their lives. You can, too.' I tried to explain to him.
'Reach out and talk to someone who can help you' I added.
'I know someone...she is a therapist if you want I can...' I offered to him.
'I'll think about it' He replied harshly and that meant he wasn't too keen on keeping this topic of discussion going any longer.
'I am sorry I didn't mean to...I just need some time to think.' He said after quick seconds and he went on to finish his food in silence whereas I had lost my appetite.
Moments later, my phone rang, and I saw that Hamza was calling me. I glanced at Zaid who was also on his phone, so I decided to take the call.
'Hello,' I greeted Hamza.
'Hey...how are you? Sorry I missed your call this morning...we were having a very heated discussion this morning' He told me.
'Is everything okay?' I asked him.
'Yeah, one thing led to another and I don't know...I'll explain it all later' He told me.
'Okay,' I said.
'How are you doing?' He asked me, and I wasn't sure if I should tell him about Zaid right now or wait.
'I am doing okay...I am just outside with a friend right now' I told him, and I noticed Zaid smiling while still on his phone.
'Okay, then I won't keep you any longer...I'll talk to you tonight okay?' Hamza said to me.
'Okay, bye' I smiled to myself while thinking about Hamza. Even talking to him a few seconds gave me butterflies.
'Miss you' He said last and ended the call.
'We are friends?' Zaid glimpsed at me just after the call ended.
'If you want us to' I suggested.
'I can use a friend' He smiled genuinely.
'I should go now...I have to run some errands' I said to him a while later. We got so busy with talking about so many other things that I didn't realize how much time we had passed.
'I should go home as well, I am sure it's going to be quite the scene once I get there' He joked.
'I can talk to your parents if you want...you don't have to do this alone' I said to him.
'I'll take care of it' He took his engagement ring out of his wallet and placed it on the table. I also pulled my engagement ring from my wallet and handed it over to him and took his engagement ring back.
'This didn't go as bad as I thought' I told him.
'That's because we are two very mature civil adults' He slightly smiled. I felt so relieved after we parted to go on our separate ways, one part of me was still very sad for him and the other part of was happy with the fact that we didn't end our relationship on bad terms. We were honest with each other about our feelings and we respected each other's decision. All the anxiety and fear were vanished because of Zaid's understanding and openness. I was happy that even if I didn't find a companion in him, I was able to find a friend in him which was more than I could ever ask for. Meeting him thought me a very important lesson about life which was that with every experience, there is a lesson and usually a silver lining.
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